I got hate in my heart,
A stained blade in my chest,
Found Aids in my blood,
My Minds as ***** as mud,
And i don't give a ****,
what you got on yours.

I really don't know but i think i need a hug,
I'm at the brink of suffocating,
I can't think of anything else with you on my head.
It's like i got a bullet made of lead,
But it's in the middle of my skull.

Except this time it isn't dull ,
I got a shot of heaven,
11:11 doesn't work ,
I wouldn't know cause' i never made a wish,
Like a fish in the water,
Alone in the sea and all i really need,
is you next to me.

The memories go through my head,
every single day, every single day.
In my mind i'm suffering,
In my chest i'm aching,
In my hands i'm shaking,
In my eyes there's a hurricane there's no control.
I promised myself i'd be there,
no matter what i'll let go of my pride i'll fight it away,
put it back in it's cage,
like a kid try to make it behave.
I shave my fears away,
and i do it everyday,
every single day,
my fears of being alone but i guess it's okay
cause you want to be alone.
I try to be there for you but i can't be there if you don't want me to,
I block you out of my mind,
I drink like i'm blind ad forget of the pain,
then when i notice the scar i remember what it felt like.
**** this **** is harder than i thought,
******* for not being ready,
******* for everything.
******* for the condition i'm in,
but i guess it's for the best,
and they tell me it's for the best.
I talk to you about it,
and you say it's for the best.
And the funny part is i won't be here when you finally decide you need me,
i'll be long gone, and my pride will take the best of me,
my pride will be my everything.
And my pride will bring tears to your eyes,
and with those tears i will tell you to make me a river
so that i can build a boat and sail far away from here,
my fear will be over then my hurricane will be home,
and you will be jealous of the fact that i have moved on,
and by the time you realize you need me i'll be far away.
My suffering has ended congratulations to me,
and one day i will come back,
and that day i will have made my plans,
I will tear you apart same way you did to me,
I'll make you fall in love,
I'll make you fall in love.
And perhaps my heart will still care,
but my pride won't bear to lose.
My Pride won't bear to lose.
And after all this is over,
you will cry yourself to sleep every night,
they will all ask you what's wrong,
and you'll tell them that i hurt you.
Your family will finally hate me,
you're sitting there wishing things were different,
wishing you could go back in time and take back what you said,
You'll hate yourself.
You'll hate yourself more than you already do.
And what if all this didn't happen,
we'll stay on the same chapter and this book will never end.
I will pretend to be your friend,
but just a friend who knows you both can't be together,
I will get tired, and i will hate you.
I'll find someone else who i can't care about,
and in the end, My Pride will be My Everything.
My Pride will be My Everything.

It never happened before.
no one else's poetry had ever brought tears to my eyes.
not even close.
and then I read yours.
and it happened.
the thing is,
I cannot tell you this.
I cannot say it.
because it reminded me of myself.
it reminded me of my own relationships with older friends.
and so,
the feeling your words made erupt inside me, has never been more resented.
because my bliss, curtain of ignorance was appreciated.
at least in that area.
because it never occurred to me that I could be the one damaging him, not the other way around.
and you see this presents myself with the question, am I really that selfish?
to not even consider, to no to even fathom the concept, that I am what made you fall?

I have written him so many times.
and put it on this site.
or in that notebook.
I have thought and analyzed the "why?"
and came up with no justifiable conclusion.
you etched away my sanity,
stole my innocence,
and yet I still ponder you.
I still care.
no matter how many times I say I don't care, i'm actually thinking about it all day.
I actually let it bother me.
when I see you and her.
I am satisfied.
I am happy for her, that she found someone.
I am happy that it gives me a great reason to not let myself deliberately think about you.
but when I find myself hoping your around that corner,
anticipating it so much,
and then you aren't there...
the disappointment seizes my entire body,
wipes the smile right off my face.
and causes me to internally slap myself.
then when I see you in English,
and you tempt me,
on purpose,
to see if I will take your delicious bait,
I refuse,
I will not fall for you yet again,
I am done with your madness.
I will not let you know that i care for you still,
I will not give you that
satisfaction.
I promise, i do like another, and another.
they are just as perfect if not better.
yet my conscious is still hooked on you.
for some reason i wish i hadn't known.

hey
hey?
so why do you care?
about what?
anything at all.  no I mean everything, why do you continue breathing? why do you keep walking? why do you hold you head high while everything's, dark?
I don't that's the thing.
what? I don't understand.
I smile, because its an act of defiance,
I laugh because I wont let them think I care, I let them believe it so that I can not care,  i'm loud because they're comments don't compare to what I say in my mind. what about you? Your not so bad yourself.
I think about leaving and how everyone else will fail.

I'm starting to learn that what you say or think truly does not matter.
what a relief.

your flimsy words and pity goodbyes have made his throat raw,
and yet your eyes still seek for that light, that fading away ember to show you, to prove to you,
your petty soul will be missed,
that this **** you take everyday of every moment will end up making a difference,
will change the world someday,
and will not be for absolutely,
nothing.
that it will matter in where you end up,
after the deed is done,
that being the "better" person in the light of someone else's view,
will make you something more than you are all to clearly not.
and maybe your insignificant glare needs,
a never ending "life" of regret,
a "life" where everything is sliding away from you,
and it all
just
fades
away
to an emptiness unbearable to the innocent, naïve, human,
that allows you to see your actions hurt all to many of those you thought you had "loved"
as your "life" is finally proven to you that it was not something at all but in all honesty it was nothing, nothing at all, just a glimpse of an eternity long grimace,
to show you that your pain had no meaning at all,
that in fact if you had been ecstatic you would be in the same place as now,
so why is it
my pitiful friend
do you
believe,
in his "frighteningly" all to similar shade of white as your devils shade of black?

He joined another list
of wannabees.

Now shifting his
focus on the path that lay ahead,
he got up from the twisted sheets
that covered his solo-bed,
walked mummy-like
to his cracked porcelain-sink,
faucet dripping.

He'd seen it before,
he'd seen it in the thousand yard stare
looking back at him, wryly-grinning
in the early morning gray-glow,
heart-stopping.

And he whispered,
lip-synched these words
between another cycle of dry tears,
"Ain't nothing new boy,
I know all about pain."