I walked into that office wearing all black, an oversized leather jacket with a matching leather cap. Blacktop and black pants. “I’ve been having anxiety attacks, I had one yesterday,” I said. I have never known myself to be so broken like this. People aren't just born broken, they become broken from the mind, the system, society, the abusers of power. And it's not just one occurrence; it's multiple of them: some we never acknowledged the pain, some we become in denial about, and some we have forgotten. So, I came into that office tense, nervous and broken. And I kept going into that office even when I was scared. Every time it was hard, every time it was a challenge. But you know what it got easier. And each time I left I learned more and more about myself. And well I may have walked in broken but I left lighter and lighter each time.

Out with the old and in with the new
How long does it last until it is no good?
Cause as age comes I shine with time
All the awareness of here becomes clear
Until one day I become so fine
I evaporate into manifestations of loving designs.

Hi, I’m Arcadya. I claimed this name after I was leaving the old and leading into the new. But it only really fit until now. Going back to 2009. You know the time you just needed to get by? Looking for role models, but no one existed, but you. Once upon a time, I became my own hero consisting of planned seductions, secrets, and being a %100. Love, that was hard to maintain you know nights only God could help you see the light. But she never showed up at my doorstep until May 2019.

I’m also called A. And on a scale of 1 to 100, I was dying inside in form of chronic pain, nausea, and anxiety attacks. And the people who passed me by never said goodbye. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hate goodbyes, I didn’t miss you, and I forgive you. I get it, times are hard, and we all gotta get through the day. Even if it’s straight-up denial. But is it too much to ask for a good friend at the end of the day? If it’s not at all but partly on me, deep emotional connections felt like a gateway into my childhood despair. Alienation my friend and fearful, so I stayed up until sunrise.

And well if you're still listening I have some more questions. Where was my safety? And where is it now? Locked up and so I questioned my life. And where is heaven? And Is this hell? Cause I feel misunderstood, but I am choosing discomfort over being resentful. But who am I if not speaking my mind? And questioning time. So yeah, I’m red hot candle wax already lit and high and my mind tends to race. Mediation my religion cause all is lost and gone. And kind words lead me the way. So I tattoo affirmations cause we see every day. So meet me at night when I’m loose and I unwind. A sight only for the patient and kind. Life’s a spiral journey and sometimes it feels all too much. But every day is a step further from my despair. And so, I remember and dream as I shield little ole me at night and say what I always longed to hear that, baby it’s alright and everything will be okay.

Call me crazy. But I still wonder. Life has been a knife and you were that one light. Slowly killing, I didn't want to exist anymore. So, I knew it’s time to get to know me. I’m only human and I still wonder how I let you slip beneath my teeth. But time has passed. My hair grew grey and my heart grew blue. I still see sunshine on your face. That's what takes me back. But that’s okay. I learned a lot. Hopefully, a tale to tell one day. Knowing we will find whole lovers if it isn't us finding one another one day.

I didn’t know much but that's what drew me in. I know my stares are a knife. But I won't apologize knowing that coulda been my only chance to really see. The mystery was enticing. The beauty of imperfections grow but time wasn’t on my side. I didn't know how as much as you didn't know. The more I found out about you the more I got hooked. There were many nights thinking about you. If only they were enough. But you wore enough if only you could see. I sent you love from time to time. But time got the best of me and so did my mind. So, I go through this life getting to know myself. Hoping you will find a whole lover if it can't be me.

Spending all this time on the cruel leaves an overall bad feel to my soul
Compassion my love
You come from trans-cen-dental love
Heart space and open chakras
I ignore anything but all
Vipassana practices I pray
Baby girl, you're the world
You catch clouds all along the sway
Across the way and okay
Mindful count as the stars crawl and fall
And make a sound out of manner
Cause I'm your Stargirl
Here to shine and brighten in these very dark times
Baby boy, I’m your girl
Here to shine and brighten in these very dark times
Baby boy, I’m your girl