In the now, I feel defeated.
Yet, I find myself searching for a landing place.
That’s hope, alive.
I will have a place to call home when this season has passed.
I will have control over my own life.
I will have my bead store.
I will have my writing.
I will have my life back.
I will be free.

I have lost my way. Again.
Not into addiction. Not that. Again.
Back into the Pain.
The Pain so strong it consumes with the cold hardness of titanium.
Pushing me out from the inside.
Making it impossible to breath.
This is the living death.
It comes sometimes expected and sometimes unexpected.
This time, it was inevitable.
My mother dying, this pandemic and all.
It doesn’t last.
So that’s one thing.

When I think of a time in my life, I see colors.
My time with Dale is deep pink, bordering red.
Like sunset pink followed by a blood moon.
Like the inside of me, my essence, my life.
Like the full surrender of love, with full return.
Exquisite.
Timeless.
Pivotal.
Affirming.
Bliss.

When I think of a time in my life, I see colors.
My time with Jeff is yellow, like the soft yellow light before dusk.
Like an early evening on Waikiki.
That feeling of awe and calm.
And then comes grey.
The slate grey of an angry sea.
Where there is great danger of losing to the depths.
And now, emerging, gasping for hope.

Like contrails
Your memory persists, relentless
I see the line in the sky
Bisect my life
Before Jeff
After Jeff
I know in time, contrails dissipate
Thankfully
But how long?
This being in love business hurts like a *******.

You are the Serpent
I Am She
I Wanted to Believe You
It's a Lie, Counterfeit

Yesterday I could do it.
Today I can't
Yesterday I was awake, alive
Today my sleep comes easy, easy
It's easy to lay here and drift
To dream of better times

My friends, my supporters
They are tired
Tired of me
I ask for help
At every turn
I'm tiresome

In the beginning
I had a sense of entitlement
I still do at times
I deserve help
I'm a good person
What's happening to me is not my fault
But it is my fault, in part
There is always some truth
I did this to me, I know I did

But that doesn't change that I need
That doesn't change the pain
That I don't have the means to heal

I rise up, I take my meds
Like the good little adult I am
I go through my list
I need to call them....
Can I do it?
Not today

Can I do this?
Persevere?
I don't know
Yet.