I finally want to live
Looking out the window
Watching the planes fly over
A sweet young man sleeping in my bed

I sit at my desk writing
He's not someone I'll be with
But he's young
Promise, future, adventure, opportunity
He breathes freshness into my body
Curled up against me

I can't sleep
Too much life
What was I thinking to end it?
I want time
I want experiences
Good
Bad

My thoughts are dark, ominous
Apprehension floods my mind
A dark tunnel no light
No end

The plane lifts
Flies
As always I fear it will not
Why does it matter?
I do not cling to my life

I want peace
The peace of non existence
Juxtaposed with the desire to persist
To remain present in the physical
I vacillate

What do I want most?
My mind wants the peace of death
My body chooses life
Matter over mind

Is that a light far ahead?
Or is my mind playing tricks
Again?
Is the trick lightness or dark?

What happens next is mystery
Today I persevere, just today I choose

One day, in the tomorrow
My lightness goes dark
Will I go dark by choice?
Does lightness follow dark by choice?

Best to walk it through
Until my appointed time
If I am at all able

You unremarkable middle aged man
That carries within such sadness
Such weight of pain

You see tragedy where instead there is great joy
They are happy
Their worlds are magical
Filled with love, adoration and laughter
Only we suffer
Seeing them as they are

Yet their sweet angelic spirits
Brighten the world
Uplifting all they touch

To have two seems unbearable
But what is unbearable is to have none

Be thankful
Be happy
You made miracles

I love you
I love you
I miss you
Say hi
*******
Number One
I love you
I love you
Mr. Unremarkable
You Are Incredible
I love you
I love you
I adore you
You're my Person
I love you
I love you
First Most Best and Always
I love you
I love you
And so on....
Ad infinitum
Ad nauseam

Special beautiful friend
You know my pain and I yours
We are united by common experience
Kindred spirits
Our souls have walked the valley of the shadow of death
Yet we emerge the other side
We are forever changed
We will never be as we were
And we may never be completely well
But we will survive this
We will be okay
We will persevere
Your hand in mine
We will step into our future
Tentatively at first
Then boldly
We push through
We push forward
We live
We thrive

Profile:
I am looking for the one that is the one, but in a world where she is mathematically unlikely to exist, I would also make an excellent trophy husband. I have the best jokes, puns of steel. I am a nerd, but at the same time I am so cool that you can keep a side of beef in me for a week, it won't go bad. While it is true that I like puppies and long walks on the beach, I much prefer long passionate discussions about life, the universe, and everything.

Me:
I think I love you.

You’re straddling two worlds.

You put your right foot out into the future, the world you know you’re moving towards. But you don’t put any weight on that foot yet. Still, all your weight is on the foot that’s in the now world.

But where you’re going, that world keeps pulling you and calling you and requesting things of you and wanting you to be there because you’re needed there. So you tentatively begin to put some weight on your right foot. But that means less of you is resting where you’re at.

It’s ******* terrifying.