AT LEAST I WON'T INVALIDATE MY CHILD'S ******* FEELINGS

KISS ME SO I CAN BREATHE AGAIN

JUST GIVE ME MY ******* LIFE  **BACK

I GUESS I'M STUCK FOREVER TEXTING YOU AT 12 AM WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP, HOPING YOU'LL FIND LOVE FOR ME AGAIN SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF YOUR DREAMS

IT'S LIKE I WANT TO GO THE **** HOME
BUT *I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS.

AND ALL THE NIGHTS WE SPENT UNDER THE STARS, FOR *NOTHING...

BUT SOMEHOW, I STILL FIND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT YOU, DREAMING ABOUT YOU, WAKING UP IN TEARS. WONDERING IF AND WHEN YOU'LL COME AROUND.
PART OF ME WANTS YOU HERE. CAUSE MY BED FEELS HALF EMPTY, NOT HALF FULL.

"WHO DO YOU LOVE?"**

                                               *NOT MYSELF

IT'S ONLY BEEN 25 DAYS SINCE YOU LEFT AND I'M LEFT ACHING

THEY SAY THAT TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WHEN ALL TIME HAS DONE IS CUT ME TO THE CORE?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO FOR YOU TO COME BACK?
**PLEASE JUST COME BACK, I NEED YOU MORE THAN OXYGEN BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I CAN'T BREATHE AND ALL MY MIND IS YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU Y O U.

"I love you."
"Alright."

"Ciara, I do love you, just not in a relationship way anymore."

WHY CAN'T THINGS THAT ARE GOOD JUST STAY?  YOU'RE NOT MINE ANYMORE AND I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE STORM OUTSIDE MY WINDOW IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE STORM RAGING IN MY CHEST

**** I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN BUT HERE I AM CRYING SO HARD I CAN'T BREATHE AND *I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY AGAIN

I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE THAT I CAN BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU
I CAN BE GONE QUICKER THAN A VOICE IN THE WIND
AND YOU DON'T TRY TO KEEP ME
SOON I SWEAR I'LL BE LOST OUT AT SEA

I WONDER IF YOU'LL INFILTRATE MY DREAMS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

Oh, my love
though you aren't even mine
And you never really were

I missed the swirl of colors
in your eyes
and the light behind them
after we kissed

My chest still aches
though I have realized
it is not I
who is missed.

In life, we as humans usually take things for granted. We’re so used to having something or someone, and we’re such confident, oblivious creatures that we think they’ll always be there or that nothing will be ripped away from us in .02 seconds. We always say, “Oh, that only happens to other people, that’ll never happen to me.” Life has imminent ways of challenging us, our psyches, and how well we are able to react and deal with stress, pain, and hardship. Life is actually pretty funny; one day or week or maybe even a month, everything will seem perfect, normal, great… and then BAM. Literally everything you could possibly think of just goes wrong, downhill, absolutely down the drain. We get our hopes up and life lets us down each and every ******* time.

Teal is one of the swirling colors slow dancing in the eyes of a boy that will never love me.

YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE MONTHS AND WE'VE BOTH FOUND SOMEONE ELSE
YOU SAY YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER
I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM
YET YOU STILL INFILTRATE MY DREAMS AND ANY TIME I SEE YOUR FACE OR HEAR YOUR NAME MY CHEST CAVES IN
*GIVE ME MY ******* *LIFE BACK

I can't sleep without your breathing and I
can't breathe each time you're leaving
I'm trying to write
come back, please...
and darling,
I tried my hardest but
I couldn't make you feel a **** thing.
I hope you wake
up and realize I loved you the most.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU BUT YOU DON'T WANT ME BACK AND **** YOUR SMILE IS HAUNTING ME LIKE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS' PAST

YOU SEE THE THING IS THAT I'M A WRECK AND IT'S BARELY BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE YOU LEFT AND JESUS **** MY HOME IS GONE MY CHEST IS CAVING IN AND *I JUST WANT YOU BACK

"Because I'm still in love with you on this harvest moon."
-Neil Young

"But the truth is, you were never there
you won't ever be.
Sometimes I think I'm not either, so what do I do when everyday
still seems to start and end with you?
And you won't ever know, you won't ever see
How much your ghost since then has been defining me."
-La Dispute: You and I in Unison

"Don't tell me that I'll be fine. I'm so sick of hoping you're right."
-Neck Deep: What Did You Expect?

"Get off my mind, give back my heart, and get the **** away from me."
-Front Porch Step: Drown

"You were the only saving grace I ever had."
-Slaves: Starving for FRIENDS

Your kiss was pure euphoria--
all I've ever wanted.

You were all I've ever needed.

Bliss, I found in the fullness of your lips.

Hope, I found in the creases of your bed sheets.

Love, I found in your touch.

Or so I thought.

But last night I was slapped in the face with the harsh realization that you'll never be mine.

It's tearing itself through my soul
and out of my chest--
It's rotting me from the inside out,
*and that's not a very big deal to you.

You claim that the reason you kissed me
was supposed to be "fun"--
for the both of us

And ****, it was fun

until I fell in love

and you say it's "just fun"
I say, it's just blood

seeping through the bandage.

I didn't want to wash your taste from my mouth

I didn't want to rinse your kisses off of my skin

I didn't want to relapse,

                       *but I gave in.

My emotions got the best of me.
of course you don't love me back
You just thought it would be "fun"

Cause it's so much fun to make someone fall in love with you
Only to rip it out of their chest

And leave them bleeding on the floor.

And I'm sick of others leaving me bleeding on the floor.

So I took it into my own hands.
I'm the one who made the ****
so deep it's seeping through the bandaid.

Are you having fun now?

I'm not. I'm racking my brain,
Asking myself why I'm not good enough for you-
Or anyone else.
I'm just a *******.
I'm just a ******* toy

You'll be curious about me,
Pick me up and play with me,
Until you find a flaw
Then you'll leave me in the back of your mind
You grew bored of me
You got what you wanted

so now I'm the one
Making myself bleed

So much for being "clean" for two months.
I threw that away.
Just like you threw me away.

I thought everything was better
I thought I was better

But you proved me to be
*so **** wrong...

I'd wonder if you truly want me
and then I'd remember,
you'd say you were afraid of commitment.

I'd wonder what made you kiss me
and then I remember,
all you want is ***.

I'd wonder why you'd look at me
with swirls of blue slow dancing in your eyes,
and that glimmer of hope ignited in my bones
and then I'd remember,
you always told me I was "hot".

I'd wonder why you grabbed my hand like that
and intertwined your fingers with mine
then I'd remember,
you did things like that on your own accord
and when I asked if you'd hold my hand,
you always refused.

I still wonder if you meant it
when you said you loved me
but then I remember when I asked you,
"Do you love me like I love you, or...?"
You responded with, "Like I want to ******* love"

I wish I never loved you.
I wish I still didn't.

I wish you would ******* love me back...

*But you won't.

You know which kind of boy is the worst?
The ones with pretty blue eyes
and a killer mouth, they tell you they like your hair
and say that your name is pretty
and make you out like you're something special,
but you really aren't  ****.  

Those kinda boys make my heart hurt. They wink at you
and tell you beautiful words
that weren't meant for you.

They just build you up so high, and  drop you like you meant nothing.

They put you on a pedestal until
You're up so high
That you don't ever come down.


*until he leaves you.

I really wish you guys knew just what it does to me, and Emmy, and Trusty,
when you fight.
I hate it when you guys fight. I hate it so much. It makes me want to cry.
You guys just don't understand...
It really ***** us up. I'm scared to look you guys in the face now.
I hate feeling like a stranger in my own home.
Is this even a home?
I don't think I know what a home is, or if I ever have...
Or if I ever will.

I understand we're all pretty broken people, but that doesn't mean
we have to take it out on each other. I understand we aren't exactly whole, either. We're just kinda misguided, kinda lost. It's really sad, to think about it.
I just wish you guys knew how much this hurts all of us, more than just you...

Do you ever just want to **** yourself?
No letter, no explanation, no reasons why. Just because.
Do you ever just want to commit suicide?
Staying up late, rewriting the intricacies of your mind, planning everything, thinking everything through, apologizing for plaguing your family and friend's lives, yet doing a "kind deed" and getting rid of yourself so they don't have to.
Do you ever just want to be loved?
To be kissed and held and spoken to with such romantic intent, to be kissed and touched with an immense, undying passion. To feel important to someone. To have someone make up the hatred you hold within yourself with the love they expel for you. To be wanted, needed. To love with a love that is more than love.
Do you ever just want to love someone?
To kiss them all over, hold their hand, make them smile, and laugh. To hold them, steal away their sadness and insecurities. To be cute with them and write them love notes and poetry and tell them how much they mean to you. To make them feel wanted, important, needed. To make yourself feel like you have a purpose; loving them. Endlessly loving them.
Do you ever just want to break down?
To just cry out all the things you have held inside, for god knows how long? To just scream, yet be silent. To release the anguish, the pain, the hatred, the longing, the hopelessness, the emotions, everything. To get rid of the damaging thoughts. To feel something, anything; but still you want to feel nothing. To sob your **** heart out. To grasp onto something, someone, so very tightly, your wrists and knuckles turn white and ache. To punch everything and anything in your way.
Do you ever just want to cut yourself?
To dig so very deeply. To open your skin and watch the ebb and flow of the smooth crimson. To feel the relief. To feel something other than numb. To feel numb. To feel the pinch and you dig deeper into your skin, and muscle, all your precious tissues- ruined. Slashed. Gashed. To feel the delightful pleasure it brings you. To bleed until there is nothing left in your veins.
Do you ever just want to be happy?
To smile, and laugh, and not worry constantly. To enjoy life. To be alive. To be content. To sing, and dance, and feel complete. To feel whole, and worthy. To have motivation, to press on. To do everything you want. To find beauty in the simplest of things. To be happy with yourself. To not feel like a failure. To feel important. To feel okay.  To not be depressed. To love and be loved in return.
Do you ever just want to be able to love yourself?
To love your flaws. Your curves. Your skin. Your hair. Your teeth. Your laugh. The way you pronounce certain words. The way you stutter sometimes. The way you blush. The sparkle in your eyes when you speak about something you feel for passionately. To be happy with yourself. To be able to find good in all your qualities.
Do you ever just want to prove everyone wrong? (including yourself)
To be successful. To not fail. To not give up. To make good choices. To think before you act. To think before you speak. To be a good influence. To be motivated. To stop hating yourself. To prove your worth. To show them all they were ******* wrong.  To be a leader. To be fearless. To be feared. To be strong. To not **** yourself. To improve yourself. To be yourself.

all you do is bring me down.
You never support me, encourage me, compliment me.
You tell me I'm a failure, you look at me with disgust,
you treat me like ****,
you expect too much of me.
You shut me down.
You tell me I'll never be good enough, that I'll never amount to anything, and then you wonder why I'm so ******* depressed.
I try my best, but that's never good enough. I'll never be good enough for you!
You only look at my failures, not my accomplishments.
You're ruining me.

You'll never be proud of me.
All I want is your approval,
yet I get nothing, not in the slightest.

I know I **** up a lot.
I forget things.
I make mistakes.
I'm a mess.
But that doesn't mean you have to yell and scream because of every choice I make. You don't have to criticize every single thing I do, every word I say, every little piece of who I am.

I don't know why you hate me so ******* much,
but I'm done. I'm ******* finished with you.

If you don't like who I am, who I choose to be, just because it doesn't fit your criteria,
then you can pack your ****,
and
                get
                           the
                                      ****
                                                 **out.

You say I need to make better choices,
yet you never give me opportunities to.
You yell at me, and put me down,
yet I never do that to you.
You say I need to do better,
yet you don't give me support.
You say I need to go back into inpatient,
yet you don't look into why I feel the way I do.
You say I'm spacey,
yet you fail to realize I'm always ******* spacey.
You say I'm a failure,
yet you don't see that I'm your daughter,
and this is not my fault.
You're the one who raised me this way.

So don't ******* blame me  for your mistakes.

If you don't really love me,
don't  say you do.
If you won't be there for me,
don't say you will.
If you'll end up leaving me,
Don't tell me you "never will".
If you don't care about me,
don't say you do.
Don't feed me empty promises.
Don't tell me you'll always love me,
because you and I both know you won't.
Don't tell me you're in love with me,
you won't mean it. Ever.
Don't tell me you need me,
because no one needs me.
When I get broken up with, and I ask why I can't be with someone stable,
please  don't suggest us dating, because you and I both know **** well all you will do is leave and I will hurt, all over again.
Please, don't tell sad girls they are pretty until you have seen the cuts and scars that litter their bodies, don't say you will always love them, and please don't cause them more pain.

I ******* hate those moments where
you feel your chest sink in,
or you feel your heart fall into your stomach
when you know something is going to end.
Those moments you can't breathe from the pain.
The moments you start crying in front of everyone,
and they all ask you whats wrong but you cant answer cause you think its ******* stupid as hell.

When you feel yourself start to hyperventilate.
When you feel people abandon you.
When you can tell someone doesn't want you around.

When you break down in the middle of the road while you were going to go get your ******* mail.
When someone tells you they don't need you.
When everything hits you like a semi-truck.

When you can't take anything anymore.

And to think you were getting better...

I have realized
My existence is absolutely necessary.
The world needs people like me.
I am a nurturer, I care too much, I am a lover, a fighter.
I'm strong, yet sensitive.
I am smart, inquisitive, loving, and people need me.
But the thing is... I ******* hate myself.
I do not always want to live. I am self destructive. Most of the time I do not want to exist.

But just in this moment, at 12:52 in the morning, on a Monday, I have realized
That the world needs me.

Have you ever noticed
that the way we perceive and do things
isn't as innocent anymore?

How getting in trouble isn't as simple,
how being dramatic isn't okay, because back then you were just "being a kid".
And now we're seen as "attention seeking".
Everything we do is "attention seeking".

How whenever you get a "boo-boo", no one asks where it hurts,
and if they did, you would point to your head
and your heart
because that's where it hurts most.

Have you ever noticed,
the sparkle in your eyes diminished years ago,
and no one brings it back.
And when you fall asleep in the car,
or on the couch,
no one carries you to your bed,
instead they shake you awake,
and tell you to go sleep in your own **** bed.

How you're expected to have responsibilities
but no one lets you embrace that.
No one believes in you.

How we give ourselves to anyone,
begging for the love we are denied.
and we take it,
when it isn't even the love we deserve.
What we need is to be loved,
not to be slept with,
or to be "in love" with,
but to be truly loved, and cared for,
not neglected,
or ignored.

When you look into the mirror
and you are unsatisfied with the fact that you cannot see your ribs,
unhappy with your lack of a thigh gap,
ashamed of your extra (ugly) curves,
missing your hipbones,
wishing for dainty, feminine hands,
wanting the stretch marks to vanish,
praying to feel beautiful.

When you regret eating, but also regret not eating,
you're kindof ******.
When you only get relief after throwing up the contents
of how little you ate.
When you feel like everyone is watching you eat,
terrified, in fear that if they stop you,
you'll eat them too.

When you hate the way your thighs jiggle excessively with every step you take,
how they accommodate the size of Russia when you sit down,
how your love handles aren't so lovely,
how you can't wear clothes that flatter you appropriately to others
because you feel so disgusting in your very own skin,
and you wish for nothing more than to be skinny enough to be loved...

When you regret the scars you claim to love sometimes
because you can't wear those cute short-shorts,
like you would anyway,
but it just eliminates the option.
How you are terrified to wear bathing suits because of your deep pink and purple scars, even the faded white ones,
and how they litter your thighs, and aimlessly hope
that someone could find a way to love them, if possible.

When you can't wear short sleeves or a sleeveless shirt,
because of the dark pink scars scattered across your arms,
the burns,
the cuts,
the deep ****-looking scars,
when you hate yourself for making them,
but still eventually accepting them, only to
end up hating them, again and again.

When you feel like a stranger in your own home,
because your step mom doesn't want her daughter to see your scars,
and yells at you for every choice you make,
and your dad doesn't even ******* defend you.

This isn't healthy, but you can't do a single ******* thing to change it.

The impulses of self destruction-
they batter at your windows,
breaking down the walls you've built
Invading every crevice of your mind,
spilling ideas you cannot help but to consider,
whispering hurtful words,
adding to the pain that
motivates you to hurt yourself.
It gets so bad, you consider everything you can, even the simplest,
as long as it is destructive.
Whether it be cutting yourself to the core,
giving yourself third degree burns,
swallowing seventeen-too-many sleeping pills,
sitting in front of the mirror torturing yourself,
or just lying there in your own thoughts
until they become unbearable,
and you give in to the pressure,
and the cycle continues.

When your body trembles,
threatens to give in to the fear
you feel so deep inside,
it feels permanent.

When your breathing is erratic,
almost nonexistent,
your chest so heavy,
it barely compares to the heaviness of your eyelids,
for you haven't slept in days.

When the tears flow like the blood
you shed so desperately
to escape this feeling of fear.

This unbearable, unbreakable, unmistakable,
deeply penetrating fear,
of the infamous panic attack.

Goodnight, you said;

Goodbye, I said



And you never thought *twice  about it...