Why is it that everyone leaves me?

Everyone quitting on me
Really makes me want to quit on myself...

"You can't rely on anyone else,
Because even your shadow abandons you in dark times."

Where do you go,
when all you've ever known is ripped away from you,
and it's all your fault?

Where do you go,
when you ****** up,
and you don't get that last chance?

Where do you go when the last person you had leaves?

Where do you go when everyone gives up on you?

You give up on yourself.

For me,
it comes in little bouts and stays for not long enough,
and when I grasp onto it,
it slips through my fingers,
like warm sand on the beach.

Happiness for me is seeing the happiness others feel,
like when my little sister laughs,
or when I see a little girl dancing to music.

It's the little things that come and go,
the things that you can only catch when you have hit
rock bottom.

I just **** up everything.
I can't keep things together,
I can't keep my grades up,
I can't stay happy,
I can't be ******* perfect.

You only remind me I'm a **** up every single day,
and it haunts me, even
when you're not around.

Thank you,
for reminding me of what
I already know.

Funny,
how the worst, most torturous depression comes at night.

Mind-splitting, bone crushing, aching, lonesome depression that cuts you open to the core.

That heavy, painful feeling in your chest that you cannot help but succumb to.
It reminds you just how weak you are.

How susceptible you are to pain, to humiliation, shame...

How you want nothing more
than
to
sleep.

So angry you shake,
tremble,
you can't move,
you clench your fists and you start to cry.

So angry, you want to hit something,
anything,
everything.

You hate everything, your head hurts,
you can't breathe,
you hyperventilate,
and you just break down.

Do you ever just have that deep, burning anger
that silences everything around you,
and you can feel it in your bones?

Do you ever want nothing more than to brutally ****** someone,
just swinging at them, losing all control.
That intense, unhealthy, murderous anger,
that no one can explain.

Everyone calls you crazy,
but you're just
*******
angry.

You just get so angry,
so full of burning rage,
that you don't have anything else to do
but
take it out on yourself.

Are you happy now,
that I've figured out I was just a victim,
in a game of lies and lustful tension?**

My love, try to understand me when I say you torture me.
Your lips they beg for me to get you alone.
I want you to know it's the sway of your hips.
You taste so sweet cruel temptress.
I'm at your feet.
I can tell by the way you move that you want me to want you.

Are you happy now that I've figured out I was just a victim?!
In a game of lies and lustful tension?

Your lips they beg for me to get you alone.
I want you to know it's the sway of your hips.
You taste so sweet, cruel temptress.
I'm at your feet.
I can tell by the way you move that your want me to want you.

Are you happy now that I've figure out that I was just a victim?!
In a game of lies and lustful tension?

I can't believe I fell for you!
I was wrong, I am so confused.
A foolish mistake!

I gaze across the chasm that divides me from her, my prize.
And drink in her beauty.
I let the heady aroma of perfume riding on the hot wind saturate me.
I train my ears to the creaking of the bridge spamming the gap to her.
I throw caution into that wind of passion and continue down the path.
The path to the unknown.

I'm losing control and I want all of you.
I ache to swallow you.
I'm losing control, you're body screams for me, it's destroying me!

I can not resist the temptress of the night!
I'm coming for you!, I want you, I need you!
As the earth quakes I will deflower you!
Oh how my head swims, oh how my heart yearns!
I'm coming for you!
Our flesh will become one and we'll never speak of what we've become!
It's what you want. I'm gone! I'm gone! I'm gone!

So it seems that we were nothing.
I'm giving up!

Are you happy now that I've figured out that I was just a victim?!
In a game of lies and lustful tension?
I can't believe I fell for you!
I was wrong, I am so confused.
A foolish mistake.

"Deeper,
              deeper,
                           deeper,"
you tell yourself,
driving the sweet, sharp blade into your skin,
you open it, and you feel the beautiful pinch it brings,
the deeper you go, the more relief you feel.
You crave to go deeper, and see how deep you can go,
and nothing is deep enough,
you press firmly,
so deep, that it didn't even bleed.

You love how they look,
so deep, open so the sides don't touch. Beautiful. Perfect.
You're so excited for them to scar,
and you cannot wait to make more, to go deeper.

You know exactly where and how deep you want, need to go...




**You become an expert on your body as you slowly destroy it.

Interesting,
how much power one person can hold over you.
The way they look at you, the way they speak to you, the way they touch you.
It's almost manipulative, in a sense.
How they can make you feel so many things at once, whether elation or major ******* depression.

How easily they could crumble you,  
send you over the edge.
and you would let them...

I love you.

Sometimes,
I wish you married me.
Sometimes, I break down.
Give up everything, but then I think...
    about you.

Sometimes, I don't want to get better.
Most of the time, I just get worse.

Though you aren't here, I don't dare to erase what I thought we had.
I could lie and try to say that I'm the same.

Sometimes, I torture myself with the thought of you and
                             her.
And it ***** me up so much, and you know it.
you ask what's bothering me.
you ******* know what's bothering me.
you tell her you love her.
And you just *******....
I love you. but you need to stop.
please,
            stop.

I understand I'm being selfish,
but holy ****, aren't we all?
I just don't want you loving someone else, or thinking about loving someone else,
when you tell me you love me.


I understand I may be overreacting, but oh my ******* ****.
You need to stop.

"Leave him, he's already starting to ignore you."

Funny, that's what I've been hearing lately.
Funny how it's pretty ******* true.

I mean, I understand that I'm just your girlfriend,
and it makes me selfish to want to be with you all the chances I get.
But, I love you. Maybe I'm too attached. jealous. crazy?

but when I know, that you talk to
         her,
and pay more attention to
         her,
and erase your messages with
          her
when I ask to use your phone.

It bothers me.
How she ******* talks to you like she's in love with you.
It makes me feel really insecure when you pay more attention to her,
but I guess I am just really needy.

I don't know how to feel.
I trust you.
I just don't trust
     her.

****...

It's the holidays.
**** me, right?
I hate them, Christmas,
the family meetings, the "cheery" smiles everyone forces themselves to wear.
The dinners and closed doors that hide whispers that you know are about you,
the way they say, "You've grown so much! Maybe you should lose some weight..."
The way they try not to look you in the eye, the smiles, the laughs, the ******* jokes.
The ******* glitter and presents and everything everyone thinks you want,
when all you really want is for everyone to shut the **** up.

I only love the way the lights twinkle, the perfect way
that the snow falls,
the bitter, cold, lonely nights you spend alone.
But the way the lights twinkle, it gives me a sense of hope.

I just loathe the evenings that everyone is drinking and ******* laughing and having such a "great time".
The way I feel I don't fit in, anywhere,
the way absolutely no one wants me there, and you ******* know it.

I promise to never show mercy again.
You always tend to have an excuse.
But this time, it's different,
my dear.
The knot you tied around my heart has become loose.

Such inhumane thoughts, so compelling as to say the least.

The thoughts of destroying everything, running and not taking a glance black,
almost in the same sense of mind you use before you destroy yourself.
You do, without a second thought.
Oh, how you wish you could just tear them apart,
give them the same deep, tortuous scars that you bear.
How you crave to open their skin, in the same fashion you open your own.
That compelling blade, that riveting sensation of pleasure you feel after going deeper,
    deeper,
                "deeper",
you tell yourself,
and with each irrefutable slice,
with each breath that deepens,
you still
          feel

                     **nothing.

It started out with a kiss-
and I don't even know how we ended up,
or if we ended at all.

You were my ******* future, we had everything planned out-
a ring, a house, what our baby's name would have been.
But you let go. You quit talking to me, and stood me up-
had me crying for hours. hours on end I spent for you, making sure you hadn't overdosed,
I stayed awake at night, worrying my *** off,
and for what?

False ******* hope is what I got, at best.

But somehow, I still find myself thinking about you, dreaming about you,
waking up in tears. Wondering if and when you'll come around.
Part of me wants you here. Cause my bed feels half empty, not half full.

And all the nights we spent under the stars, for nothing.

And that night I snuck out, to stay with you,
in your bed, wrapped in your arms.
That same night, embraced in pleasure,
feeling so serene, so complete, wanting nothing more than that very moment.
And waking up to you...
waking up to you was purely what I knew I wanted for the very rest of our lives.
If your heart stops beating, god rest my soul. Dig this grave for two, can't live without you... It's hard enough to face the world alone.

"We have each other. You don't have me, nor do I have you.. There is no me and you, there is only us."
That's what you said.

and I believed you.


-Have you ever had a one night stand?
"Yeah, why-"
-But have you ever been a one night stand?

You can always rinse the surface; but the stain will remain.

The cursed and the broken,
the unspoken and refused.
If hate is what's inside us, then hate is what defines us.
And when we use our hate to drive us,
we are the ******.

Love is lost like words.
You let the blood tell the truth; expulsion of remnants of your old self.

Innocence lost, with your conscience.

You look for destruction,
things that will surely **** you,
sooner
           than
later.

Something painful.
Something consuming,
numbing, clouding,
erasing, burning,
destructive.

Something painful to numb the pain, something to drain the shame, something.

Whether it's the bruises that accompany hitting the wall,
the beautiful pinkish purple scars that come with the cuts,
the deep, blissful pain that comes with the enduring healing of the eraser burns,
the stinging, aching hunger pains from depriving yourself of any nourishment, the burning in your throat from purging, the red hot scratches, it's the things you don't think about while in the moment.

Anything, from the pills you swallow to get high or low,
the alcohol you drink to feel the burn, and numb the pain.
The certain assortment of things you can smoke to get high, to have 'fun', shooting up to feel the rush,
snorting to blur your mind.

It's anything to get you out of your head for awhile, anything to numb yourself, anything to steal you away. Anything to take your mind off of your surroundings.

Regrets may accompany most of the actions, yet you aren't always aware of them; you just don't care.

"I desire all things that will destroy me in the end."

I want your toxic,
talk sick, baby.

Our bodies collide, intertwining,
enveloped in adoration,  sprinkled with lust,
and so much more.

I am so ready to feel your sweet, enticing lips
talk candy in my ear.

I want your hands on my hips, your face in my neck.
I need to feel you close. I want to feel your heartbeat in my chest.

I want your sultry voice to swim through my ears,
and to feel your warmth, in my bed, no need for blankets.

Most of all, I want you mine. always.  to have and to hold.
To whisper the violent thoughts and feelings away.
To kiss me, sweetly, and mean it.

I love you.


And I want to know if you're in love with me.

I hate this feeling,
like I belong. But I don't.
like I matter. but I don't.

I just need something, anything
to get me out of my mind-
something to cloud my brain,
something to dull the pain, the feelings.
Substance.
Pills. Alcohol. A blade. Something destructive.

I want something to temporarily hinder my ability to think,
to feel, to be.
I want something to mess me up, to make me feel just about anything but this.
Something to take me anywhere but here.




"Honey, I think you should run...




                                                                   run."

It's intriguing to see the things people go to, just to get out of their minds for a little while.
You pop pills, I turn my music up.
You scream at me, I cut. Deep.
You flip your ****, I go mute.
But you don't understand.
I do this... to stay alive. To be sane.
To be able to put up with your ******* each and every single ******* day.
but you yell at me, when I listen to music.
You ask why I'm upset at family outings, because I don't have my music.
You basically took my ******* lifeline.
So don't you dare ask me, "oh what's wrong dear? just because you're upset doesn't mean you have to take it out on us..."
You can royally go **** yourself.
You're one reason I need my music. Why I ignore the world.
You don't understand, that I need it. You say you know.
You don't.
You won't.
Because
              you
                     don't
                
                                                         care.