I wish I could come back to you unharmed and free not tied down by societies values not look at differently for being different for being different.


I wish we were closer not as far as the hight of mountains but as close as a Christian and the lord.

I wish I was dead again instead of alive aching every day in this shell that that doesn't have enough elbow room I not ******* Jaleen anymore

I'm Chris Allen so stop ******* calling me that name

I wish I could just torture everyone that has tortured me

I'm not a rug that your kids jump on and you wipe your feet on I'm sick of being your ******* doormat I just want to be an embryo again instead of me.

This tango is like no other. it's naughty and nice and you can love twice. not at once, that is a foul but now.

You are here always and forever queer let's have fun with each and everyone but only a man or a woman, not another but don't tell your mother.

So sign this list and check it twice be you can never go back because you now know how to act this is true this is you.

I signed that contract not knowing that my life would change drastically this was who I was not but confusion got the best of me and it took the key and drove the car of my feelings.

Like a speed demon not caring for my well being but it was that coat that felt so good and warm in that cold hard bed made of guilt and regrets I dreaded the "oh it's just a phase jokes at my expense.

What if my little small circle got so big and full that it took my heart to be the mediator when I told the guys they seem to change and not for the better

Long visits became shorter

Voices became quieter

Games became more controlled

But I'm different now I can't cry myself a river to sail on with seas as vast as my anxiety.

I must prove myself every day to not become the next statistic not to become the next #blacklivesmatter tag I wanted to be the same and love whoever I wanted.

But now I can't the shows changed from normal men in a hat and jeans to be full of pink hair and painted nails and half shaved head and the reason it changed was that I changed my poems changed from being about how to hide your blackness to how to embrace your queer side and every day I felt like it was for the best when my soul felt it was for the worst how could being myself change the way my heart sway it the way of the tide.

But it was me so I took the hand of my lovers and it turned from the heterosexual waltz to the forbidden bisexual tango.

Run for your freedom
Always be yourself
In the face of discrimination stand high
Never lose your pride
Beyond your problems is another  
Over time you will lose the pride
Walk on your haters as they hold you up.

I'm old yet bold
I'm sick of this
the same shape
of life that's my
wife what a life
ha I cry thinking
of those eyes of
deception with
no impression of
guilt that satin silk
gown of wonder my
lover I'm old and
sick of all of you.

Daisies, Daisies pick em till your crazy your a lady do you what to have my baby? No, well that's okay what is why I pray for those who've lost that ricochet through. Well, who are you a
person that can't get through the wall of men all stay you
are ten but don't pay you the same as you are within a lover of the color blue what can you do to not lose don't.

When you're lost
show the boss
who you are
Go far
not in your car
on your feet
far from defeat
Go deep into your heart
that's who you are
not me
not you
You know what to do
yet
at the same time, you don't
well look
You know what to do
you cry
you lie about all the hurt
Well
I miss you and what we used to do together
forever
ha
You are not them
you are you
now what are you going to do
Lie?
now look where that got you
nowhere
with little care
for those who love you
now what will you do
die
well goodbye.

1 He picked up the gun
2 What did they do
3 What has happened to me
4 He kicked open the door
5 None are still alive
6 He had to get his fix
7 We all went to heaven
8 What is this hate you create
9 They water down the crime
10 He only killed 10 but injured millions

Dear, my plus size diary you let me in and push others out although they try to break you down to find our secrets you will always stay close to me some say that you are full of too many secrets to that you need to lose secrets to look normal and you tell them you are so sick of being ******* normal you  like being your self but the put you in a box that they hide at the top of the closet under *******, lies, diets, And bingeing and purging  I lose the diary that I want they call me a diary chaser and do it well until my body swells to the point that I've changed I loved you and my soft plush diary and I miss that diary that I first met this is why I close this story how I do I ******* miss you.

I see the hate in your words
Why do you do this to me
I want your kiss that I miss
You answer to my love with
Hate I may **** you with my

Heart but my heart is becoming
Black like tar from the hate you
You create
I ask will you marry me
With my dark deadly heart

Then you push me into the
The wall and kiss me and bring me back in like a tide
I **** you with love
Yet you turn into a lovely dove of acceptance
That my heart is begging for but  

You go to a new lover
I **** you with my body
Yet you use me as a place your darkest desires
You push me down were I smile with a frown
Am I toy too you or am I your love or nothing

Now you **** me with your hate of me I take off my engagement ring
And I follow my body and I cheat on your with my secret love you are
Not mine anymore your lovers love so don't come back for me

I'm alone and
Happy
I hate you, my love,  we are not meant to be you are sick and I'm well you are evil I'm good
Will you **** me no or torture me with your love I hope you rot in

hell you evil being
You have held me back for too long now I’m in charge what the ******* have you did to me
That is the story of my heart.

Love is love
life is life
so what if he doesn't have a wife


Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you call me fat I will **** you



I rise like the sand
To face only one man

Hate is passion
Here take action


Be more like a lady
until you drive yourself crazy



Act like man
So that you will never understand
But you will still be a man.

Baby Baby maybe
We will find love again
Far down the line of
A thing called love maybe  
We will feel that kiss on

Our hearts that will bring
Us out of the dark
Out of the dark

Baby Baby Baby
Do you love me I
See you with another
Man in my house
I see you kiss him places
You have not kissed me in
Years Are we meant to be?



Baby Baby Baby, you drive me
Crazy you accuse me of giving away
My love but I see you do it all the time
What did I do for this love I try to push
Away but you pull me in like a tide does
A fish you kiss me then you slap me
And call me a broken man.


Baby Baby, maybe you will **** me
before I do myself I call you the queen of a
Place called hell I hate the way you ****** me
I'm sorry for this love I, sorry but you will
Always be my baby.

We all want to be sane
But what is sane
it seems like a long game
Of torture, you're  put in
this box that is filled with
dought, hate, stress, looking different like sand that shapes to your body that you can't escape


The art of being sane is always to lie
You lie till you start to put on stress
so you start to eat and cry and then you
feel sick and they misdiagnosed you and you
are put into this tank of death that you drown yourself in
then you cut the hate and depression temporarily till you see me and I see you when we see it all is amazing

Live how you want to die how you want but just but
I need your company to hold me tight
so that I squeeze to tight till the love that I feel for you
Is magnified to the highest level  but then I push you away
and everyone else till alone with my suicidal thoughts that i
can't  escape then I slip into the darkness of my thoughts of you
but then you push me away too that is why we never speak to each other anymore

Then we meet again down the line of remembrance
but you look so different that I bearly remember the
sweet girl, I met in junior high that is the love that I lost
when I lost you but I do remember those little dimples in your
soft cheeks I miss that love I had with my first love of death
That is who you are to me now not my love nor my hate




                                                            ­       -Bye my lovely death

I wake up beside you thinking of what happened to me and why am I with you and will this pain ever stop well I tell my friend of how much of a hunk you are and how lucky I am to have you those are all lies I wish I never met your sorry *** and I could have been the person that I wanted. But then you come home and you hold me tight till I fall for you again and again. Then I see you bat your eyes at those ***** but I have to stay the perfect quite broken wife that you make me our son is becoming you and when I fight back you say your sorry for what you have done and  I lick my lips with dought and kiss you and then I see you talk to your friends and you say how much of a ***** I am to you and this is the way I feel about you. *******.

Hello, I'm Chris, I'm short, a little crazy
But that is who I am
this might be the first time seeing me so let me start off fresh.

I was born on September 09, 2004 That makes me a Virgo I never knew what that meant and I still don't know what means but that is one part about me I also a 13 and happy sometimes mainly when I'm eating that is why I look like this but I love my self but that I never ever did that when I was young but when I was seven. I found out liked plus size girls and I always was teased about that but then I started carrying a lot of depression and I lost my self.

But then when I started gaining myself back I found out that I  was bisexual and I got so scared thinking about how I would tell my family about me and who I am and then I met karebear that helped me and I fell all over again and I have changed for the better.


That is my life so far but other things about me are that I love to write my pain out like I always do I'm usually suicidal from being lonely and I hate meeting new people that is me and my life but I have a soft spot for women because. I was born I a house of women  


I've lied so much to the point that I can't trust myself. I have cut my self and that is me that is me I also love dogs, cookies, cake and writing I talk at the wrong time and don't talk when I need to a hate mean people I have kissed no one. And I love pizza like a lot that is me.

Today I cry
thinking how I will die
from all of this stress that strangles me till I cant breath and I cry when I see happiness he loves to play games and that is all he won't help cure me this is how I pop the sleeping pills like smarties till I see darkness then that doesn't help and I cut and scream for someone to hear me but no one knows whats  wrong

with me it feels like I 'm  a piece of trash that gets kicked around till I slip and then I see you but they find me and hide me till I'm better or what they think that is why I cry for you and that is me this is my story my mom puts me away like a doll and makes me the poster boy but that is not me that is the soul that took over

my body to **** me so that they could have the perfect life those are my suicidal thoughts I love myself but they don't want me too they need my Demons to hold me down and make me drown so that I don't wake up from the dream I'm stuck in it.







Hello my love or are you
You call me beautiful but
You Lie till I don't see you
The you that used be the cute
Girl with long hair that

I used to know how we don't talk that much
I say hi and you leave me alone till I don't feel
It anymore and I tell my friends about how you changed
They say that you have changed but they don't acknowledge It    
I miss you I know that you miss me too.

Well here I am
Alone Again After This, I will maybe die a lonely death that is never known I will love that so that I don't have any cheap perfume that chokes me to the point that I can't hide from the pain.




Today is the day of  no return I will be missed or I may not I don't Care about life anymore this is my sense of happiness none I hope that all who hurt me die like I will too




Well here I Am Alone But happy I am a man of no words I am you-you are me we are all lonely till we die we are now nothing but trash goodbye life and death I'm now noting but rubish Now I'm back to live a horrible hell-bound life.

Chris Allen
I'm a color that is a being colored black
not like the big man even cares he just wants
to blacken me until I'm nothing I hate the way
you look at me like I 'm going to steal your purse I'm not what you think
I am your worse nightmare an educated color that is strong.
I hide till you find me
I'm  White
I'm Black
I'm Every color that you think
But when they see me they look and ask me questions that I cant do this and I let go until you push me down on the floor that  I can't do this I want to change color but then I see my ancestors telling me not to let go I've marched in chains to marching with Martin Luter King. I've become the president. I help the world by helping my colors become a person, not a color we are not colors

We are people, not Men or women, NOT WHAT YOU THINK I AM ME.