I forgave you years ago.
And yet you accuse me still,
Mistaking the fallout
For blame.
Only your talents
Could turn me into the villain.
You don't really want me to forgive
You want me to forget.

From you I have learned that humans
Are not a forgiving lot.
They know very little about the concept.
Show forgiveness to them
And they thank you with mistrust,
Greedily demanding it be proven.
They think they deserve much more than they get
And fear that they deserve
Much less.
They hoard it madly, like gold,
Biting it to test its true worth.

And yet if the tables are turned
And you seek it yourself
You must pull tiny pieces of it from them
Like teeth.

wake
drink
rinse
repeat

now let me expand on the
ideas i have presented
above

wake- from the probably
nightmarish scenario
where you are being
chased by a blood thirsty
****** who has been stalking you
stalking YOU for perhaps several months

and now attempt to walk up those stairs up up
up into reality again
you've made it another night
my dear
you've made it back
… congratula…tions….

drink- look upon the
cupboard filled with delicious
treats that will take you out of
your own mind and into a realm of
calm and stupor and happiness that
fades as
quickly as
it
came

so don't look at that cupboard
anymore because it's not
for you my dear
at least not for the mornings
my dear
sweetie look in the fridge
open that door
and find some things grown
from this earth
they will do. they won't do. but they will.
juice
juice
vrrrrrr

rinse- stare in the mirror
and pinch all the parts
you want to evaporate the
way those beautiful vegetables
get crushed in the machine
in the mornings
doesn't that relieve all ills?
it does it does crushed smashed <_+][
';'l'l;l;'''''''\~~~

now stop looking into that soul
crushing little thing
sweet little thing
and focus on washing the blank expression
off your pale face

and now repeat- repeat-re pe atttt
r e p e a t
until you start to feel well

or maybe just go sneak something from that
delicious cupboard

I had a dream last night that I put you
in danger
that you were hurt because of
me
is that why you left?
please please
i need you
i need you 1 am fresh presto after
castro movies
i need you orange juice and dark ***
forget me nots and tangents
forget me not how can you forget me so
faster moving you must
i miss you reggae and sunshine
freckles and flakiness
i can't do this without you
acoustic guitar in laundromat
halloween princess
hiding away and scaring me for years
come back cooking
and
japanese tea garden explorer
and keep exploring with me
come back wanderer
you have made a home within my heart
you must not part.

i want to be a princess with every
bone in my body
SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
i want to be sparkly
so people will love
looking at me
YELL UNTIL YOUR LUNGS GIVE OUT
i want to have grace
so no one will
underestimate my power
KEEP SCREAMING DON'T YOU STOP
i want to be feared
for the power i possess
and worshipped
for the love i give
GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT BABY
i keep yelling and screaming
to get out of this
shell
there are so many facades
i put up
which one have you seen, my dear?
the *** goddess
the naive little fool
the stupid ****** that slices herself up at night when everyone else is asleep
which one have you been introduced to, darling?
because i'd hate to get my personas confused
they're starting to confuse me
and infuse me
starting to seep into everything i am
and all that i am not
because really
KEEP YELLING KEEP IT UP
i am nothing
but a little girl
who wishes she
was still in the
3rd grade
so she could
play house
and have
everything
figured out.

pull off my clothes until there is
nothing left
of me.

conversations had
at the dinner table at
8 pm.
polite curiosity
gentle pushes

my friend has 4 grandsons
who are all around your age.

mom stop. they're looking for brides.she's not ready.

hmm. perhaps. i am
not ready
not only
because i am young
but also perhaps.
perhaps
because i am
with someone.
yes his name she is lovely
the death glare comes from mama bear
nothing will be said
don't worry this secret will fester within this body--
it will stay contained until it
bursts open from its own box--
because protection is required
for the bravest of minds
fooling the ones we love
oh aren't we all too familiar
with this little game

but the ones i love the very most
grandma grandma grandpa
who are shielded from me
as if i am a deadly disease
too strong for their weak bones


you. who gazed in awe upon the ink
on my skin. you.
you who caressed my weary head until it dropped onto
your pillow. you who told me stories of pirates and
princesses.
you.
you are who i will never disclose to.
you are who i must shield. and bite my lip
to stop the tears.

you. you all are my lifeblood. my only loves.
and i can not bear bestowing this pain
upon your intelligible souls. i am selfish.
so very very selfish. but this is love.

and love is selfish.

I am so cautious
and reckless at the same time.

I give little
pieces of myself to strangers
every day
swift glances
quick pauses
in which the other
person becomes
quickly informed of my
inadequacies.

I stutter. I have
so many words running
fast to the front of
my mind that
i can never quite
think of which
i want to vocalize
first.

i bite my lip to
stop the jumble
from overflowing.

i am afraid that i'm
a tower.
so tall and mighty
with power
until one brick
crumbles
and i become nothing
but debris.

so put together
yet falling apart
i am ever so tumultuous
with my aquarius
and emotional
with cancer
forever organizing the two
with my capricorn.
i am within my signs
and my signs are within me.

so i dive as far as i can go in my ocean
and i sit on this bed
and think of all the things i
left unsaid
and feel those words
pounding their way in my head
trying to burst through the dam.

there is a fist in my head
punching out my tears
and it is ruthless--
i am being abused from
the inside out.
i've lost count of the bruises
on the insides of my skin.
i can't quite make out the scars
from within.

but i've got russian skin
and it hides everything so
well
i am quite difficult to read
i've been told
and i find it impossible
to express these bruises
and scars

- i feel stuck -
unable to express
and unable to be understood.
in a glass box
pushing at the walls
begging the surrounding
strangers to understand
pleading with myself to
learn the skills of communication
quick before the crowd
disappears.

i am a patchwork of
nerves and anxiety.
i've got beauty sewn through
my veins
and a wall
sewn thickly around my heart.

the slow kisses that turn into hot breaths exhaled into each other's throats
biting at your lips thinking i can pull out your words. stuck in your head. with the blood i draw
the marks i make are war wounds, baby, and i am proud of each vessel i pop
purple looks good on you. what a ******* color.

beat beat through the silences and internalizations. the anger and the insecurities.
******* trample that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like you are nothing but the skin on your stomach.
you are not just the skin and tissue and chub on your stomach.

lovely, you are more than your stomach. and your ray bans. and your binder that does such a good job at pushing in what is unwanted and pushing out the breath from your lungs-- your very sustenance.
my dear, you are more than your eyeliner, or lack thereof.

you are more than the way you ****** me last night. and this morning.

pretty ,darling boy. i want more slow kisses that turn into hot breaths. more lip bites drawing enlightenment. blood slicking the tips of my fingers from exploring.

i want morning breath dreams still entwined with your exhale onto my neck. bickering mom and daddy.
who knew we had voices other than moans. who knew gender theories would cross our lips and *** analyses would be common car topics.
the "fffffffff" you make in bed also start the sentences of your fury. yelling at the gas station ****** who misgenders you.

******* *******, I JUST WANT MY **** CIGARETTES.

i am trying to stay closer to the ground
clip the string that keeps my heart flying in the clouds
come back here, silly fool.
there are bags of rice attached to the soles of my feet
they've been weighing me down for quite some time
i am living both in the clouds and sinking into the earth.
i have found no balance.

to the core of my bones,
in their very marrow,
there is an ache that will not quit.
there is a longing for something more.
more more more than what i have
more always more
but more of what, i haven't a clue.

i need to learn to fall.
and then to get right back up.
instead i am lying here bruised and battered still fighting the battles that are long over
the soldiers have all gone home to their beautifulwivesbeautifulchildren

i am sitting here alone in this field
with tall grass that will soon blanket me and empty bullet shells.
and i will lie here. until the white winter comes and covers me as well
only to be found in the springtime by a pair of wandering lovers.

It's one of those nights
where I crave for you
your bright eyes
your wide smile
your messy hair
how you cheer me up
make me forget
all my pain
your touch
is like fire on my skin
sends my blood racing
the way you hold me
in your arms
I feel safe
appeased
at home
this longing in my heart
hurts so bad
all those are nothing but
memories in the rain