You'll forever be,
My never ending love


Which means,
You'll forever be,
My never ending heartbreak.

Scattered across the floor,
I see my life laid out in front of me.
Detailed pieces of my life,
Highlighted in yellow,
Red, purple, and green.

Sorted into lessons,
Triumphs, losses, and utter despair.
But something is missing.
Something's not there.

Laid before my eyes.
A lifetime of living,
With happiness missing.
There is no highlighting in pink.
No moment not ruined,
By loss or lesson.

My daughter's birth,
Ruined by a mother who,
Showed up to the labor room,
So drunk standing wasn't an option.

And now even in moments,
Of greatness.
My "happiness" is missing.
As if it never existed in my world.

A tattered and torn world.
Covered in Ash and debri.
Who created this world?
Was it really me.

My anxities and depression.
My agoraphobia and OCD.
Creating a world.
That isn't quite right for me.

Scattered across the floor.
Laid out in front of me.
Are highlighted moments,
In a world built to destroy me.

Dear Dad.
I wish I could tell you,
That I'm doing okay.
And I'm getting along just fine.
I wish when you look down,
Upon my life that you would see,
Happy.
I wish I could say.
I'm doing okay.
But the truth is dad,
Every day is a struggle.
To get up and get dressed.
Running on auto pilot all morning.
Hoping I don't forget to pack,
Her lunch for school.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't dulled in any way.
I still hurt,
Just as much as that day.
I wish I could tell you,
I'm okay.
I wish when you looked down,
You saw how happy I am.
Im sorry I'm letting you down.
I'm sorry I'm not doing,
The best I can.
I am trying
But every single day I end up crying.
I miss you.
Every
Single
Day.
And it doesn't get any easier.

We we're.
Then we weren't.
And in between this was,
An in-between I'd never seen
Where the love clung,
To my skin and clothes,
Like burs.

Buried deep within my skin.
However unsymptomatic.
I had no idea,
How very much my love,
That still remained,
Created my actions.

I loved you.
Unapologetically.
Without restraint
And in doing so,
I created a world in which,
I allowed a vortex,
Of broken glass to slide
Across my skin on a daily,
Basis.
For months.

Leaving me ****** and raw
Wondering how,
This happened.
How did this happen?

This is my goodbye to you.
I've loved you for four years.
I've missed you for one.
I've taken back roads,
And detours to avoid your road.
Slipped and broken bones,
Trying to miss your exit.
Each without success.
Ending up in your driveway,
Falling in love even more.
Knowing **** well you don't love me.
I have loved you since 2014.
Been through hell and back with you.
Only man i trusted to meet my mom,
Last man to ever meet my dad.
I loved you.
Wholeheartedly.
Without bound or limit.
And in the end im spitting out teeth.
From the smack in the face when you left.
Hitting me out of nowhere,
Just gone.
Like i didn't matter.
Over text.
Like and after thought,
Oh by the way...
No.
Ive back pedal and rewritten this dozens of times.
Trying to have the right words.
So you understand.
I'm not you.
Leaving you isn't something that's
Easy for me to do.
You mattered to me.
You were never an after thought.
But my neck still hurts from your leaving.
And 2 months later a new girlfriend
Who must have been there all along.
Like a shadow.
I have loved you for 6 birthdays,
6 christmas's, 6 thanksgivings,
and 5 new years.
But that ends here.
My heart's still pleading with me,
To wait a little longer.
To hang on,
He'll come back.
But you left so fast,
Almost like you were never here.
You watched me watch my dad die.
Told me you'd be here.
To hold me up,
You had my back.
1 month later you had her on her back.
And i became...
An after thought.
Left in the broken bleeding wreckage,
Of my life.
Alone with whiplash.
From the backlash of her,
And you together.
I have loved you for 4 years.
I'll probably love you a lifetime more.
But this is my goodbye to you.
Because after 4 years of loving you.
All i got was....
A text message like an after thought.
Oh by the way,
And whiplash from your cruelty.

I'm tired of thinking about you.
I'm tired of missing you.
I'm tired of loving you.

I am tired.
I just want to hate you.
To stop spending time on you.
To move on with my life.

No one ever tells you though,
The most important knowledge,
The most obscene piece,
How the hell to let go.

To step back from the ledge,
Of this gone relationship.
Take a step back,
And walk away.

From you.
Us.
What we were.
What we no longer are.
To a new life.
A new way.

So this is my goodbye.
I love you.
But you love her.
And i wont sit in her shadow anymore.

Will the thoughts of you,
Ever become less.
How can i still love you,
With our relationship in such a mess?

When do i get to move on.
Set free from the chains,
That you put on me.
When am i set free?

I hate that i still love you.
That i choose you daily.
Even when,
You are no longer a choice.
What kind of voice,
Does that give me?

Why can't i let go?
Why cant i see,
That you've moved on,
You no longer want or need me!

And in the end,
Even after all the hurt.
I sit here,
Unable to walk away.

Like maybe,
I'm punishing myself.
Hurting myself on purpose,
In a new way.

I've created a new version.
Of self mutilation.
One where i use your inability to care,
As the blade against my skin.

I guess i never understood true lineliness.
Where not a soul.
Reaches yours.
In a room full of people,
There is no connection.
No recognition.
Between souls.
When you died,
And he left.
My soul split in two.
Half leaving with him
The other half leaving with you.
And i was left,
Alone.
Empty and lonely.
Utterly lost.

In a life i don't want.
With people who don't care.
And everywhere i look,
I wish you were both there.

You watch her walk away.
You don't ask her to stay.
The nights go on.
It seems so long.
Thoughts of her.
Of what you two were.
She should be here with you.
But,
The time you had you blew.
The girl you knew,
Well....
She hates you.

The fire inside me,
Burns so bright,
I burn people i only meant,
To keep warm.

Scorching trails
Through my life.
Setting fire,
To anyone to close.

I was only meant,
To be held at arms length.

I remember you.
We used to be so close.
Carefree.
I can't remember what happened,
Between you and me.
I whisper to the mirror.
I remember you.
But i dont know you anymore.
Who were you before?
Before tragedy?
Who would you have been,
Had that never happened?
I remember you.
I whisper to the mirror.
Before all the doubt.
Who would you have been?
I'm sorry,
You never got to find out.

Do you know what it's like to drown
With your head above water?
Like no matter how hard the struggle.
Something always has your feet.
Pulling,      
                     dragging,
You down into the depths.
And,
Before you know it
You've
        Been
      Swept
           So far
                  Down
                        You can't
                              See
                                   The
                              Light
                 And,
Hope has no pull
       To save you.
But,
      You never give up.
Just in case,
                 The end...
                          Is worth the struggle!

Loss.
The first time you meet her,
You'll never forget her.
The way she washes over you.
Sometimes a slow creep.
Other times,
A fast wave.
The sting of her smack,
Across you face.
The fear of her reappearance.
The destruction in her wake.
Every hole left behind.
Like black voids.
Every time she comes,
The pain never lessens.
Every time,
Leaving another empty space.
A black stain,
On the very essence of who you are.
Before long,
You're left with an entire self,
Full of black voids,
And empty holes.

Some days are better than others.
some days i can get up.
get dressed.
Without any thought or anxieties.
other days.
I wake up.
and the first thing that happens,
is an onslaught of worries.
Of things that might happen.
Things that could go wrong.
On those days i drown.
Trying to hold it together.
To get through the day.
Faking my normalacy.
But often i fail.
Questioning everyone around me.
Paranoid.
Growing distant.
Building walls.
Some days,
The walls are so high i can't see anything.
Just lonely darkness.
But missing everyone
Most days,
I Am Drowning.