I think of you.
Even when I don't mean to.
I miss you,
Even when I try not to.
But the good moments,
Are clouded by gray.
For all the things you'll miss
While you're away.
Happy moments you won't share in my elation.
And the sad moments you won't be there to comfort my frustration.
The good moments are still good.
And the good memories are still happy from my childhood.
But every good memory is shrouded in fog
Wrapped in sadness like a grim epilogue.
Every memory I have i hold tight to my heart.
For fear without them I'd fall apart.
But each memory gives a thing of pain.
Reminding me I'm alive, I'm still sane.

Reminders of you follow me.
No matter where I go.
Little pieces of you follow.
At work where you were diagnosed.
426 where you passed away.
At home,
What was also your home.
At the zoo where we took you.
To the aquarium.
Walmart, target, Hannaford.
It doesn't matter where I go,
Memories of you always follow.

It's as if all the Syfy shows we watched
Ended as suddenly as you.
Like they came to the near end of their story
Only to stop just before the end arrived.
Cut short
Stopped just before the story closed.
And I'm left with the butter tatse
Of stories cut short before the answers
We're all answered.  
Left with more questions then answers
Waiting for the season finale,
That never happened.
Left,
Simple without the end of the story.

I'm losing the words to say,
To you.
I lose the ability to speak
What goes on inside my head.
To clouded by grief.
To angered by the past.
How to describe what's going on
Inside my head.
Inside my heart,
When all it seems to do
Is tear itself apart.

Some days I'm more,
I'll see you sooner.
Other days I'm more,
It'll be a while.
A constant battle between wanting to die.
But so desperately wanting to live.
The one consistent constant in my life.
After you died, that war pulled so far to the sooner
I had to step back away from the ledge
More times then I'd like to admit.
More times then I'd like to fail? Win?
I'm not sure, maybe both.
Missing you another constant in my life.
Wanting to find you on the other side,
But wanting/needing to be on this one.
For her, for me, but also for you.
Knowing it'd hurt you if I left to soon.
It holds me here, helps hold me here.
With her, for you, and me.
But some days
Om more I'll see you soon.

I dream of you.
And not the good dreams of our past.
But of how different your illness could have been.
How I could have tried to save you.
Each night a new way you could have gone.
Or how I could have failed you.
Like a film on repeat with different endings.
How I could of failed to save you,
In multiple different ways.
How you could have suffered.
And when I awake
I'm left feeling broken all over.
As if I've lost you again in different way,
But the ending remains the same,
You are gone.
I failed to save you.
I lost you.
The ending doesn't change,
The loss remains so fresh,
I awake wondering if you've just left,
Or if you've been gone a long time.
The end remains the same,
I miss you.

I still look to you.
I still hope for answers,
I know won't come.
I reach out for assurance
I know you can no longer give.
Some days I still expect you to be there.
Others I know you'll never be there again.
Most days I can't think to far ahead,
For fear of drawing in the realization you're gone.
And there are so many milestones ahead
You wont be there for.
So most days I think only minutes at a time.
To prevent myself from drowning,
In the reality of an entire lifetime without you.
So sometimes I still look to you for answers
Other times I know i'll never get them.