And some days are better then others.
Most days its a dull ache,
In the pit of my chest.
But someday, it's a typhoon.
Of sadness that washes over me.
And I gasp for air in the suddenness of it.
Coming out the other side drenched
In despair, choking of saltwater.
Most days you being gone has become
The norm.
And other days,
The realization of the "norm"
Slaps me so hard across the face
I'm left reeling from the pain.
Spinning from the sharp jarring,
Of the realization that my days
For nearly 2 years have started
Without you.
But always this emptiness persists.
Some days I can by without drowning.
Other days,
It feels like I'm drowning forever.

Feeling like you're dying.
But breathing.
Wanting to die.
But wanting to live.
Drowning without water.
Suffocating surrounded by air.
Lost in a crowd.
Utterly alone in a room full of people.
Knowing Life is to short,
But it's so long.
A contradiction of epic proportion.
Depression is
Dying but never ******* dying.

Before I even walked through the door
My glasses have fogged up from
My own breath bouncing out of my mask .
We walk through the door, check out Temps.
We've passed the screening
We wash our hands.
We hit the floors.
We always wear masks now.
Answering call lights that never end
We wash our hands.
Put on our gowns, gloves, shield.
Put on a brave face to take care of you.
Countless times.
We take off our gowns, gloves, shield.
Hand sanitize.
Wash our shields with bleach.
Wash our hands.
The skin on our hands are peeling.
Cracked open and bleeding.
But the lights keep ringing.
Patients need us.
We answer more lights.
And wash our burning hands.

My life can be best described as
No one
Who's been sitting on a chair with
A broken leg for her whole life.
A tetter totter to balance myself
In hopes I don’t fall
Or the chair doesn’t break under me
In Utter embarrassment and shame

Christmas cheer this year
Is wrapped in tinsel and tears.
Another year has passed
Another year gone.
Each one as hard as the last.
I miss you now,
Just as much as then.
I put on a brave face,
I step into the crowd and,
I'm so out of place.
No family here,
No anchor to my past.
So every new year's as hard as the last.
I hope that you know
We love you so.
And every year we leave you a chair,
In Hope's that each year you'll be there.

There are days I miss you
So much I feel like I can't breath.
Days where I wonder how I'll survive.
With this pain in my chest.  
Other days I can almost get by,
Without feeling angry or sad that you're gone.
Where each breath,
Feels like gravel in my lungs.
And I wonder if there will ever be a day,
Where it's a little easier to breath
A little easier to survive,
The loss of you.
And then it gets me thinking,
Is it worse to miss you so much
That the pain drives me to my knees.
Or would it be worse,
To be able to get through the day,
Being okay.
A day when the world is normal;
Without you?

For most people routine
Is something they avoid.
The fear of being bored,
Being with someone who bores them.
However I spent my life in a shamble
Of never knowing what it would be like.
Every day a struggle of unknown.
Would my mother be the nice witch?
Or would the hag be the one
to come and play.
I spent years cowering in corners.
Ducking out of reach.
Trying to be invisible
Unseen, unheard.
So for me I desire routine.
A man who isn't afraid of ordinary.
Mundane, a simple life.
One where there isn't any questions
About who will show up to play.
Only the knowing that,
Today,
And every other day,
Will be ordinarily extraordinary.
That is a fairytale for a girl like me.