CataclysticEvent

CataclysticEvent May 2019

I try to think,
back to after you got sick.
to the details outside
Of you and your cancer.

But the harder I
Try to place my finger
upon those details,
The more i realize
I wasn't paying attention.

I can't remember
anything but you.
Sick, in pain, and scared.
Begging me not to leave.
Telling me...

"I'm not ready to leave.
I'm not ready to go.
You, me and Willow
Still have a lot to do."

So I don't remember.
I only remember my dad.
And that he wasn't ready to go
Anymore then we were ready
to let him go.

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 Letters in May- Note 14

Dear Me,
It's you.
We are us.
Stop demolishing the
Foundation we built below us.
Don't demolish years
Of growth for moments,
Of doubt from others.
You, me, us
Are enough.
Love,
Me

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 Letters in May- Note 13

I’ve become accustom to a world without you.
A world where I have this space that I cautiously,
Meticulously walk around during the day.

Knowing you aren’t here,
But keeping the thought and knowledge in the back
Of my mental space so I only feel the vibration of the loss.
But at night or rough days,
The knowledge of your loss is something I can’t ignore.
And it suffocates me.
Takes the breath from my lungs,
the physical pain I feel in my chest is unmistakable.

Grief.
So eloquently I avoid the grief during the day.
When I need to stay focused on the world I'm in now.
The facade I’ve mastered is beautiful.
but on days when I can’t or when my mind is bored,
I can’t avoid the empty space in my life that vibrates me to my core.

Where the grief is stored.
Where the anger reveals itself to be
True grief.
Honest loss.
Reliable devastation.

And I have to learn how to live,
With the constant vibration,
Of grief.

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 Letters in May- Note 12

So today is Mother’s Day.
And while you were my dad,
Every year I wished you a Happy Mother’s Day too.
Because you’re the one who taught me all the things,
That my mother should have but didn’t

The man who tried to put my hair up,
Even if it was a disaster, you were never very good at it.
But I always appreciated the fact that you tried.

The man who bought me my first box of pads,
When I came out of the bathroom mortified that I wasn’t prepared.
But you handled it like a champ and just went right out and got them for me.

So today is a little more empty then before.
Where the emptiness used to be the fact that my mother had failed me.
She had failed to be a good mother, her best just wasn’t enough.
Now the emptiness is that you aren’t here either, and now I just feel like an orphan.

With my roots ripped out of the ground.
Not sure where exactly I belong, or if I even belong anywhere anymore.

But happy mother’s Day in Heaven Dad.
I hope you know that even though you’re gone
I’m still thankful every day for you, who you were, and who you helped me become.

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 Letters in May- Note 11

I used to think that I knew exactly what I wanted in my other half.  In the person that I thought I would spend forever with.
As a teenager I used to think that it would be this romantic adventure.
That nothing would ever come between us.
However as an adult with lifetimes worth of pain, and lessons achieved in the first 27 years.  I have learnt that this is nothing short of inadequate.  This is shallow love that never truly reaches the depth of a person’s soul.
To the raw marrow oh who we are.  Where the dark things live, and where the annoying resides. Where we hide all the most uniquely wonderful weird things about ourselves.  Only to be taken out later when we choose to stay, we choose to show ourselves to the other.
Love is messy and unkind at times.  It is a choice to love a person who is getting on every nerve that you have.
It’s choosing to see all of the imperfections they have and loving them, because those imperfections show they are real, they are honest.
Love is not a fairytale of epic adventures without hardship.  It’s hardship after hardship with someone else there to help pick you up off the floor, and dust off the dirt.
Love is not easy.  It is hard and it is a choice daily to love them even when, every nerve in you wants them to leave you alone, or to stop talking.  Because deep down you know without all of that stuff, without their incessant nagging and annoyances you would be lost, and life…
Would just not be as annoyingly wonderful as it is with them by your side.
Love is not fairytales.  It’s grit and grime more out of a scene from tales of the crypt.  But it is beautiful and wonderful, and when you find that special person who even when they annoy you, you want to squish them with adoration,   you’ll truly know exactly what LOVE actually looks like.

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 letters in May- Note 10

10 things you should know.
1. I am broken
2. But that broken doesn’t mean I am incapable or inadequate.
3. I am tough as nails; I don’t need anyone or anything.
4. In a more real sense # 3 is all lies it’s horseshit and I am aware of that but no one else needs to know that, I am tough but I am not infallible.
5. I fly by the seat of my pants unless I don’t and then then I’m so obsessive just get outta the way. Because in a very real sense I may run you over.
6. I’m quiet, but some days I am so quiet it can be deafening. And I am aware of how the silence can completely unhinge some people.
7. I will fight for you with such force no one will ever get to you, but I’ll never expect the same in return. And I know that this alone can irritate anyone, and even hurt them and insult them, but I can’t help it.
8. I don’t trust easy. And I won’t trust without 100% faith in them. And that faith comes with a price; I have minimal friendships or connections because of it.
9. I love fast and I love hard without walls, but I won’t tell you or express it well, I am really bad at that. I am aware of how bad I am at showing how much I care, but I think I do it subconsciously to protect myself, my pride in case they don’t love back.
10. I try. Every day I try to do better and try to be better. And I will try harder every day to be the best that I can be. And I know that leaves sometimes too much room for feeling inadequate, and never enough, but I also know I’ll always keep trying to be enough.

CataclysticEvent May 2019

32 Letters in May- Note 9

My Lifeline
Once upon a time
it used to be my dad.
He was my safety.
The person I could count on
to have my back.
"I've got you."
But he's gone.
And somewhere along the way
he handed you the keys
to my walls.
And gave you the manual to protect me.
Somehow you took over
where he left the
car running.
And as you learn the way
you've slowly made it possible
for me to trust someone
other than him.
And now
you've become my person
My "I've got you."
The person to bring me back.
From the darkness of my own mind.
You've become....
My Lifeline.