today,
i am finally giving up the lie i hide behind.
an intricate labyrinth of webs spun by my fast fingers and rapid mouth.
i,
am a hypocrite.

my life is a series of encouraging the ones i love to the best of my ability.
doing the most i can to boost their morality,
showing them their self worth,
proving to them that they,
are amazing.
and that they,
will be okay.
but who can preach about all of these things,
when they themselves are a liar.
when they themselves can't even stand to look in the mirror
because of the disappointment they know they'll find.
when they themselves are telling other people that they are extraordinary, reminding them how much you love them,
when you don't even love yourself.
you don't even like yourself.
and the only thing keeping you down on the ground
is because you would never want to hurt the ones you love.

it's easier to tell other people all these wonderful things that you see in them
but have never seen within you.

- a.g.

time is a funny thing.
i've convinced myself that the life i'm living right now,
will barely matter in the next 10 years.
every small setback i ever face,
is merely a small blip in this universe of my worries.

there is a quote that i once heard half a million lifetimes ago that i think about almost every day.
it says, "every time you think what you're facing will be the end of the world, stop and think to yourself for a moment, in five years, will this matter?"
and i would like to say that i live by this quote,
and i do,
but sometimes,
life will get to me.
sometimes a missing homework assignment will feel like the end of the world.
sometimes my audition feels like it will be the end of me.
sometimes the tiniest, or seemingly biggest, obstacles seem like an impossible block in my life.
i know that my hours spent doing homework and trying to keep up with my schedule will be nothing.
i know that everything will get better.
i know that i will be okay.

but i simply can't believe that right now.  

- a.g.

with all this work around me i start to wonder
when will i collapse?

collapse from the sleepless nights from too much worrying
collapse from the hours of homework that fill my days
collapse from the procrastination i can't cure myself of
collapse from the stress of all my commitments that haven't even started yet
collapse from the expectations that nobody has set upon me
but from the expectations that i put on myself.

collapse from all the love and support from my family and friends
because i never thought anyone could care this much about me.

i want to scream and shout that this much love in my life is so hard to feel grateful towards when my thoughts are constantly turning and wondering
when will i collapse?

-  a.g.

happiness occurs to me in little chunks now.
the tiny things in life are giving me a smile.
a long text message from a friend to cheer me up.
having a good day.
feeling happy.
genuine, real, smiles.

i can't help but feel so guilty when i'm happy.
like all my pain and suffering is being replaced with a fake smile
i try to say no.
that i can be happy while i'm sad.
but i still feel guilty
for feeling this way.

- a.g.

too much feeling
too much hiding
way too many fake smiles
invisible to the naked eye.
go ahead and shatter my skull
break my bones
i'll lend you the hammer.
because, darling
this is nothing compared to the hurricane of contradictions in my head.
i have a war zone that's burning itself alive.
so break me down
with your words and sharp tongue
maybe i'll build myself back up
if i'm feeling bored.
because no matter if i'm still broken
or i'm restoring my fractured pieces
the outside,
will always remain the same.
unpierced
and untouched
still smiling through the pain.

- a.g.