One cut, two cut, three cut, four!
The raccoons are back once more,
So let me see what I have in store.

Five cut, six cut, seven cut, eight!
Who do they appreciate?
Just as long as he's not late?

Nine cut, ten cut, 'leven cut, twelve
How much further will we delve
Another bottle of liquor comes of the shelve

I can no longer count the lines I've made
These little boys I've never betrayed
They're the only ones who've stayed

Crimson for company, just you and me
Let's go on and spill the tea
As you hop and shout in glee!

And as I pass out, falling on the floor
You want more than ever before
I just have a little more, I'm sure

And when I am finally drained
Look back at all that you've gained
It becomes me that you've disdained.

If I were to die tonight
Everyone would miss me
Say how much they cared about me
Say they couldn't believe it happened to me

But really, where were you all six months ago?
Or even six hours ago?
I don't exactly hide my feelings well.
Cries for help are ignored all the time.

If you didn't care about me then,
Why the hell do you care about me now?
You could have done something to help!
Anything!

People don't understand the power
Of three simple words
"Are you okay?"
Nobody does.

You all would care for a week
If not less than that
And then immediately go back
I'd get forgotten again.

When I was eight,
I thought I'd be the happiest soul out there
I was smart and funny and athletic
Everyone loved me

When I was ten,
I had the most friends out of everyone
I wouldn't let a speech impediment stop me
I had an amazing poetry class
(Maybe that's why I love this site more than I love myself)

When I was twelve,
I had a smaller, closer group of friends
I had a girlfriend that I had loved
And grades to boast about

When I was fourteen,
I didn't have many friends. I had a new girlfriend
At least I did good in all of my classes still.
I was confused to hear that people were depressed

And now, now that I'm fifteen? Where do I even start?
With the constant mental manipulation
With three of four girlfriends?
Where the cutting started and grew?
A failed suicide attempt?
Grades slipping, friendships ruined?
Trust lost, almost running away twice?
But nah. I'm not depressed. My parents insist it.

When I was eight,
I thought I'd always have a friend I could trust
But here I am now, not even trusting myself.

When I was ten,
I thought there were only happy poems
But here I am now, writing this.

When I was twelve,
I thought that one special person would always love me
But here I am now, with 4 bitter exes.

When I was fourteen,
I thought I'd never be depressed,
But
Here
I
Am
Now.

Now that I'm fifteen?
I don't even know what to think.
Whatever it is, there's an 80% chance the opposite will happen
So I think I will commit suicide before I turn sixteen.
But then again, 20% is still a reasonable statistic.

Anyways, point is,
Never in my life, did I, Logan Cestare,
Think I'd be sitting in the bathroom
Cleaning up my own blood that I spilled
At three in the morning

Never in my life did I think
I'd turn out this way.

As I stand in the bathroom
In front of the mirror
I meet my own eyes
And look hard

I’ve changed.
I’m not the me I once thought I was
But, really
Who did I think I was before?

Small details on my face
Changes in my tone
They weren’t there last time I checked
Who am I?

I used to be
The Bleach-Blond Haired
The sparkly-blue eyed kid
Not even those traits held true to me.

I hold out my arms in front of me
They’re larger than I remember
My face looks older
My eyes look tired

What is my identity?
How could I answer that?
You could ask me
For any of my favorite things

I’d give you an answer
That isn’t my own
But one I picked up
From someone else

I absorb others’ dialects
Their likes
Their dislikes
And the saddest part?

I don’t even know
Who I am
Without their answers
I don’t know

Who I was once
When I truly lived
For myself.
I don’t know anymore.

Will I ever find out who I was
Who I am
Who I will be
On my own?