It sits heavy on my heart
Stirs up my stomach
Twists me into knots
And I hate it.

Putrifaction in my veins
Rotting away my soul
Tearing my confidence to shreds
Digging deeper, desperate to taint.

Shiny. New. Small. Wanted.
Everything I'm not.
Dependable doesn't beckon bedfellows
When the unknown waltzes by in satin and ***.

Monstrous. Ever-present. Bellowing.
Inescapable are the doubts and fears
The panging need to be seen and held
As I was way back when.

for

    once,

   i would

love

      to be

         the poem

and

     not

         the poet