I am not an angry person…

I do not like living in or ruminating in anger or hatred,
Swimming in that deep sea of vicious fire…
Drowning in those dark waters…

Anger feels like lava, coursing through my body.
Burning me alive, scorching me to my very core…

Though that does not show.

I look and act calm.
Level.
Still.

But my anger towards you, I can not contain.
My anger for the years you took from me.
Precious time I can never get back…

I can only make up for…
By choosing myself.

Anger will never succeed…
It has not changed me. It only hindered me.

Now,
I will live MY life, free of you
Free of your toxic light.
Far from your acidic soul.

I hope you know what you lost, when you walked away,
All those years ago.

For you, my anger within the flames still remains.

Living in the darkness.

For so long, the darkness was my safe place.
I called it home,
For I was able to simply rest within the darkness, I could just exist there, and didn’t have to worry about being strong or needed by anyone.
I could just… be… It was me and my thoughts, and I was all alone.

Besides the scarred, ugly, disfigured creatures that also dwelled within the darkness and called it home.
I made friends with all the creatures that dwelled within my darkness…

The large, mangled creature that was depression.
The random, scattered figure that was anxiety.
The horrifying entity that is the nightmares and visions that play deep within my mind at times.

Those creatures became my friend, I got to know them on a deeper level.

And for a while, they kept me safe. They kept me still and quiet during times I did not have the energy to move forward in life and with my growth.
They allowed me to rest and kept me secure from the unknown, which at the time was absolutely terrifying.

But now, I am in a different place.
I am mentally stronger than I have EVER been,
And I have been stepping back into the light and leaving my darkness behind.
And now, I am ready to venture into the unknown lands of my future.
I no not where I will go, the adventures I will take and the hardships I will endure,
But I am ready to find out.

So, to those creatures that I leave behind as I walk this new path into the light,
Thank you for keeping me safe, but you are no longer needed…
I have outgrown you, and will continue to grow into my best self, leaving you in the dust.

Remembering my old life, the life I lived before it all came crashing down,
I remember the plans I had and how hard I had worked to make sure the future that I saw before my eyes unfolded the way I wanted it too.

I remember how much it hurt when I saw it all crumbling down before my eyes.
How I had to mourn the loss of my old life.
How I now mourn for my old self...

I had to pick myself back up, gather up the broken pieces of my shattered heart and soul, and one by one, piece them back together with tape and glue and whatever I had nearby.

I have built myself back up and now I am finally looking forward in life.
I am ready to build up my new future.

The past is far behind me.
I won’t let it stop me from my new life and my new future.

As I light these candles to send lay to rest my old life, one by one, I watch the flames go out,
Sending off the old me.
Honouring him, for choosing life and for choosing to fight on.

Listen here, little buddy... You may rest now,
I've got this. I'll take it from here.

When I look at you, it’s like I’m looking through the viewpoint of a kaleidoscope…

All those random, scattered and sometimes broken pieces, coming together to form something breathtaking, majestic and beautiful.

That is how I see you. To me, you are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen, shattered fragments and all.

And I love all of those pieces as well, because they come together to make you who you are.

Your heart, soul, essence and light have always remained so soft and elegant, so radiant and delicate.

I will always love every single piece of you, no matter what they look like.

I will always love you, my little kaleidoscope.

You know what???

I think you knew… You knew what you had.
You knew how good I was and what I deserved.

I think you felt it. Sensed it.
You knew I could do better…

But once the addiction of a having a loving man hit you,
You knew you couldn't lose me.
You needed me.

I became your safety, serenity and warmth in this cold, darkened world…

So….. you broke me. You broke me down every single day.
Making me think it was my fault.
Like I was not good enough for you…
You broke me down every day I stayed
Bit by painful bit, casting storm clouds above my head that hid my true worth,

And only when you FINALLY walked away, did I begin to see,
How much I truly deserve in this life.
How much damage you truly cast upon me.

But, as time went on, I healed.

As I shed the negative energy of you, I picked up my broken pieces and put myself back together...

And now??? I am getting what I crave...

So, you watch, as I finally get what I deserve,

And you are left in the dust…

Why do I make the choice, every single day, to keep on living???
To keep on fighting, every single storm I ever go through…
Fighting every single day, to make it to the next…

Well….


I have a story.
I have a voice.
And I will never be silent…

And my voice, my story,

Can change the lives of others.
I can give them hope, for victories in their battles.
I can be a light on their darkest days.
I can protect them from facing the battles that I have faced…

I lived today, so I could be a protector…
I can help change the script in the story of someone’s life…
I can help brighten the pages, soon to be written.

This, is why I fight…
This is why I live.