I know a girl
That's pure beauty to see
Won't mention her name
As I feel there's no need

You'd know by her smile
Her sparkling eyes
The way she celebrates
Every aspect of life

Spending her day
Grabbing hold of the reigns
Taking the good thoughts she's got
And giving them all away

The way the wind clearly dares
To tousle her hair
As she breezes through life
With hardly a care

Yes I know I girl
Who's beautiful to behold
We all know who she is
Without her name being told

Is it already that time of year again
Seems like yesterday
I took down all the Christmas lights
And packed them all away

So here I am pulling them out again
And what do you think I find
They must have had a wrestling match
As it's a mass of tangled lights

After an hour or two I'm about through
From pulling one strand at a time
Where I also find in their box fight
They punched out each others lights

This really can't get any better
Merry Christmas to me
As I head to the store for a bakers dozen or more
Under the guise of buy one get one free

Back home just in time to hang the new lights
I find the 22 foot ladder
Climb up to the top in time to remember I forgot
To first empty out my bladder

With my job through in the Loo and back up on the roof
Looking down at the lights on the ground
Of course in my haste I forgot to take
Them with me on the second go round

So it's back up the ladder with lights and empty bladder
As the sun is sinking low
And here I am now with more of a scowl
Than a Merry ** ** **

Doing the best that I can with what little light there is left
When not far off I hear the sound
Is it Santa I wonder, no it's coming thunder
Just as I notice my ladder on the ground
And my family out of town
With little doubt here comes the scowl
Merry Christmas to me now

** ** **...

I just bought a turkey
In dire need of tenderize
Also a quick summer thaw
As this chick's as cold as ice

Must have froze it in the tundra as
I dive deep into the internet
Where it's got me wondering
Why I myself didn't think of this

It says to tie up both it's legs
With a nylon stringy thingy
Hey! Get that out your head!
This ain't nothing *****!

Hook the turkey to the bumper
And take it for a ride
I watched it from my rear view
And mirror on the side

I watched it twirl and tumble
I watched it twist and shout
I watched it as it changed its shape
From inside into out

I thought I heard it gobble
As it bounced itself along
Checking progress at every red light
Tenderized...yes, but not yet thawed

The roads must be colder this year
Than at first I thought
I hop back into my jalopy
For a few more jaunts around the block

I make it back to my place
Thinking all is perfect all is well
Untie the turkey, if that's what it is
It's a little hard to tell

Now with that part of the preparation done
With the turkey and I safe back home
I plop it into the waiting oven
And gently turn it on

Here we are a few hours later
As the conversations and good times begin
Sitting around the dinner table
My guests all marvel at my hen

There's only one slight question
And they asked me if I knew
I reply...why yes that is white meat
It's just a tad bit bruised

There is really no need
To try and figure it out
If you just look around
At the beautiful South

From the Carolina shores
To the mountain tops of Tennessee
There's nothing sweeter on earth
Than a Southern Magnolia breeze

It may not be heaven
But it's the closest you'll find
South of the border
Below the Mason-Dixon line

From Georgia's gorgeous red clay
To Florida's beach of white sand
You can see everywhere
God stretched out his hand

Kentucky's smooth bluegrass
Alabama's rolling hills of green
From one state line to another
And all points in between

Though it ain't quite heaven
It's the closest you'll find
This side of paradise
Below the Mason-Dixon line

Never miss out on Mississippi
Or lose thought of Arkansas
There's more to Southern living
Than you ever thought  

From Louisiana's mysterious swamps
With it's cypress and moss
If you ain't been down South
Count it all as your loss

It's the closest to heaven
That you'll ever find
And I ain't just whistling Dixie
Below the Mason-Dixon line

Still waging in the wonder
Of how I ended here
From my tender beginnings
To a path that's never clear

With a dog named Bruno
And a cat called Mars
Chasing after each others tails
In and out between foreign cars

A shadow at my feet
That follows me around
Sneaking up on me
Silence its favorite sound

And show tunes from the 50's
Playing over in my head
From My Fair Lady, The King And I
To the Music Man

With a sticker on my window
That shows baby on board
And me being single
I have to wonder what it's for

I always arrive for Fridays
On late Saturday night
All by myself
On a two seater bike

I've got a spitting image
Of who I used to be
Now that I look at myself
I hardly recognize me

I go around in circles
From the left to right
Always walking backwards
Trying to slow down time

In this desert life of mine
I'm my own mirage
Where what I hope to find
I also try to dodge

Most of my days are spent
Trying to make sense
And if you care to count the change
Could you tell me what the cents is

The turkey's on
Old man Johnson's farm
All wised up this year

Logging on
To Amazon
About mid November

With Halloween out of the way
They were bound to save
On the items they would need

Which worked out great
Cause all they could afford to pay
Was in scratched up chicken feed

The pigs helped in
The ordering
As it's a well known fact

That being turkey's
They're always in a hurry
And ain't nobody got time for that

They saved up extra seed
For quick delivery
When you're on the cliffs edge dancing

Coming down to it
This being life or death
There's no need to take chances

In the nick of time
The package arrived
On the day before

The fateful day
Known to our hero's as shake and bake
November 24th

On that morning when
Old man Johnson then
With ax in hand stepped outside

Where he tried to think
Had he ever seen
So many cows in his life

In between the moo's
He heard a gobble or two
Which in itself is very strange

Plus the Amazon bill
For umpteenth costume cows
He just can't quite explain

Poor Cinderella
Has herself a new fella
Since she found out her prince
Has himself a *******

As he gazed in the glass
Of her lost slipper he said
I am highly intrigued
By this young woman's feet

Which is the main reason why
He went through the kingdom's feet to find
Searching for the perfect pair
Enjoying the trip as he went there

But alas the Prince got bored
With the toes 1, 2, 3, and 4
Although pinky #5
For awhile kept the romance alive

But soon enough he ventured out
To find new jam about the town
And that in a "shoe box" is the reason why
Cinderella now has herself a new guy

She's as sick of me
As I am sick of her
And of this disease
I hope there is no cure

She is all I need
Inside of my world
Never has there been a doubt
That I love this girl

In fact I am so sick
It brought me to my knees
Where it is that I proposed
Asking her hand please

Pledging her my love
From that moment out
Being this love sick
Is nothing to sneeze about

Yes her love is
What I am sick with
Hoping that I never
Do get over this

With a temperature
As high as 102
I've got myself a hardened case
The best of the love flu

I'm as sick of her
As she is sick of me
Not looking for the cure
To this love disease