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Stephanie Oct 2018
I'm awake now
Alert to
Chaos
Created in vain

Eyes wide shut
Gazing
Into the constriction
And expansion
Of days
Just ahead

Veiled in the crust
Of a half lived life
Bleary eyed
I stumble forward
Creaking bones
Limbs numb

Searching in darkness
afraid of the light
Stephanie Oct 2018
You ripped me open
And branded me
With a new sense
Of what it meant to be
A me

The harder I fell
The more I longed
To be free
Of the chains
That kept me afloat

Wading in my world
Unknown to me and yet
Bound by my own creation
I cried for freedom
And built walls to shelter
The agony
Of desire

Forcefully
And tenderly
You ripped me open
Exposing me
Marking me
Letting me betray
The me
I meant to be
Stephanie Oct 2018
Though I've drawn a line
In my minds eye
my feet can't seem to find
Momentum
to leap this great divide

Words have already altered
the course
I've narrowed my eyes
and hardened my voice
I've spoken the things I want you to hear
yet I cower
gazing upward
at my imminent choice

A little whisper
Beckons the reveal
And yet
I fight this flight
Terrorized
by the untouched limits
Of my musty appeal

I want to jump
Jump
Jump
Like I've asked you to do
But I don't want to break
Up
Break down
Break me
Break you.

In moments
Impending
We both shall lose
Stephanie Oct 2018
Bursting with fury
I smile and hide
Walk a straight line
I straddle the divide

I can't be seen by your shallow eyes
You're twisting and pulling
The power of disguise

We are all phonies
Maintaining a lie
We know nothing
Just trying to survive
Stephanie Oct 2018
Some days
I can't breathe
My chest caves under the pressure
The things I want
The things I long for
The things I can't reach
Take my breath away

Some days
I cry out
But no one hears
My muffled voice
They prefer the sound of
Gurgling  
Perfection

I think my (real) voice makes people uncomfortable

Some days
I'm angry
(Most days I'm angry)
Because I'm trapped into silence
And I don't trust
My own existence

Some days
I want to ***** up all the lies
I've been told
That I've told
That make up this world I've created
For myself

Expose it all
For the crusty
Musty
Mess
That it is

I'm sure none of us would look

We wouldn't see it for what it is
Instead, we would
mop it up and place it
Neatly
in the trash
I would sanitize myself
Once more
With the hope of
Some day
finally
becoming
What they want

Maybe
some day
I'll find the courage
To do it
anyway
Stephanie Oct 2018
I imagine you
Wimpering
And I cringe
At your sadness
And
At my hardened
Heart

How many times
Did I hold you
Thinking that this time
You could move beyond
That you would
Find the way to
Unstick yourself

But movement never happened
You gave me words
A false life
You asked me to love you
But you wouldn’t learn
To love
Yourself
Or me (truly)
In return

And I shrank
Depleted
Lifeless
Without love
To offer

You stole from me
Calling it love
Partnership

But I was alone then
Even beside you
And now
Without me
Near
Loneliness is alive
In you
Too

3/26/18
Stephanie Oct 2018
I can't be trusted
No, I can't be trusted
I inhale lies that the
World created
I exhale lies of my own
Destruction
I am two souls
Two flames
Two dreams
And I separate you from me

I'm buried alive
And floating free
Longing to be seen
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