I only envision you in my mind
  because I cant see you with my eyes
I'm only with you in my dreams
   because its not a reality
I only hold you in my heart
  for our reach is just too far apart
Maybe I should let it go
  these memories become my throes

   Yet still they seem to make me whole.
just as they did so long ago

Love is nothing new to me
in fact it's getting old
the more I play this hide and seek
the further apart we grow
As Cupids face starts to decay
to a pale shade of grey
getting weaker with his aim
For his arrow to mark my way.

Dont make me conform to #hashtags

I dont want to have to spell out the portrayal of #thefuckingpoem

I want it to invoke whatever feelings they may #discernfromit

Not #spellitoutforthem

#love #pain #fun #disdain #**** #this #thoughtless #game

You are no beauty queen to me
i see the colors that the others do not see
You'd like to think that you're unique
but there are other fish just like you in the sea

Its only skin deep

Aphrodite high and mighty
sitting on her throne
thinking that she holds the rights
to any love I own
everything that you invest
goes into vanity
unknowing that most beauty
is a fading commodity

You are no beauty queen to me
I see the colors that the others do not see
with your vanity and conceit
you will never be complete

Its only skin deep.

You're really not that far
     it only feels like it

You work on being a posession,
   I seek a companion.

I knew I was far from perfect
  as were you
to everyone else
  when it came to
US
  I can not say
you were the girl of my dreams
  it would be an injustice to you
considering you surpassed
what I could imagine,
but I suppose despite
what we consider perfection
whatever our conception of it might be
remains to be imaginary

The tears you created
     will be given back
             some day. . .

When its sink or swim
who really wins?
Trying to tread water
as this whirlpool spins
Taking all I have
to stay afloat
gasping for air
as the waters fill my throat
Fighting on the surface
against an unseen undertow.
Im drifting towards the bottom,
up is the only way to go.

So just go ahead and watch me drown
you're the one whos holding
my head down here anyhow. . .

So just go ahead and watch me drown
it is not so bad down here
with no one else around. . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwb7qfrkDCs

Ignorance would be a great excuse
if I didn't know that would be a lie
at least I never pointed the finger
knowing it was I
who meticulously created this world. .

Romanced by how it
carelessly went against the grain of conformity
I fell in love with the worst of people
because it just came across
as the only time I saw honesty

I never wanted the house and family
with a white picket fence
a mini van and 2.5 children
getting grey hairs over my credit score

just to croak a few years before retirement
from a heart attack,
because the electric bill was so high.

I wanted my reasons to be genuine
not following the empty dreams
built by a crumbling society
******* its morals, laws and values
into a Petri dish
just to dissect it under a microscope
to create the end all, be all weapon.

Of our disenchantment
our detachment
emotional abandonment

I saw torture as triumph
partaking in poison
hailing the hemlock
smoke was salvation
I adored the ******
I praised the pain
Wearing my scars like badges of honor
misery was my undying muse,

Maybe it all still is. . .

Yet I cant say it wasn't a good run
there were many times I actually felt close
to being alive

With long nights, and lost days
nursing my head
putting the splintered memories
back together
in a puzzle of madness
and fractals of experiences
but its taking its toll
and I'm ready to give happiness a chance
try a different path
Resurrect myself from this prolonged death.

because if you focus on the dark for too long
it becomes all that you see.

I may be mostly broken
but my spirit still remains
I just hope it is enough when
I try to break these chains.

Some
things
will
just
always
be
worth
all
the suffering

Exactly what just happened?
I must have missed the memo
did we begin advertising
for wanna-be Longfellows?
I came here for inspiration
so many years before
now I feel such trepidation
towards hash tags and underscores

I guess in the end, we all attend
to selling out as ******.
At least I paid my money. .
where is the online store?

Perhaps our story ended,
and we turned past the last page.
Nothing left for amendment,
the path before us laid.

This book met a conclusion.
What a fairy tale it was.
Maybe just an illusion,
the heart and mind plays tricks, it does.

Yet it all just seemed so true.
Who knew,
it would be just like a movie?
People dream to exist like this,
instead they live assuming.

I backtrack through the chapters,
nearly driven insane.
Forever chasing after,
a retelling of our claims

Perhaps someday I'll feel the same
evolve beyond these throes.
In days those passions were untamed,
where every ending goes.

Every time I swallowed my pride
I let down my guard
I exposed myself
all for one person
it killed me inside a little more
yet it all was intensely perfect
your presence
that ran electric current
through every tip of my being
the taste of you
forever on the tip of my tongue
returning me
to the nape of your neck
all these words spoke
that can be used against me
remain worth the sacrifice

To the part of me that dies

Who loves least holds all the power,
    with no release for those devoured.

I still dont know where it is
but it would welcome me
the streets and faces would be familiar
we would share stories of our exploits
where people would recognize my absence
and I would know I was missed
Were I was made to feel my presence
made things better for all
a place where I can cast light
instead of shadow.
Where judgement and ridicule
were lightened by virtues

I am still searching.

I should stop
    using the word "heart"
in my poetry

These wounds are far from fresh
but still wont heal
Maybe If I didn't scratch or peel
away at what is buried underneath
your smell upon my skin
is lingering
The name I speak
that rots away my teeth
The face I see
that reflects everything
My Achilles heel, and Icarus wings
continuing to tumble underneath

Its hard to stay the course
   when
       hitting
            rock
                bottom

I miss the days
when I was too young to realize
and my father was just old enough
to know. .
that **** eating grin
that boisterous personality
the twinkle in the eye
or the flirtatious gestures
he taught me so well
the youth that hadn't quite left
all those times
when I saw him,
in me. . .

I stared my demons in the face
they no longer give me chase
despite what they have in store
they just don't scare me anymore

Must I burn with indecision
standing within the derision
waiting for the point of no return

I will never learn to listen
to those who don't have the wisdom
to address their own fears and concerns.

All the ugliness
between us
could be piled miles in front of me
and I would still see through it all
to what you possess
that I fell in love with,
that which you hid most. .
all those nights the emptiness left me
so long ago.

Why is it
we so easily forget
what shaped who we were
to become someone
we are not?

Pardon my empathy
and the fact that emotions
shape my thinking
and those thoughts
force my actions
I'm am truly sorry for my failure
to pantomime my existence
excuse my inability
to be cold and methodical
I'm beg mercy for when I
don't even know when
I am being sarcastic
it seems saying what you think
and not what others want to hear
isn't the most popular stance
It takes a rare person
to enjoy the company of another
who is quick to shatter your
*illusions

My faith in your god
  is about as strong
as his indifference to us. . .

The sands of time S
                                p
                             i
                               r
                           a
                       L    
down
   and I still have to find so many puzzle pieces
too many enigmas to ponder
  lines to connect
words to circle
differences in the pictures to point out
in order to not feel so completely incomplete. . .

  so many more wounds to obtain
from such a large heart I have yet to fill

My heart and mind at war
      ravaging all thats left

Memories escape my mind



Through the outside of my eyes.

This ghost town that is my heart
the structures signify their depart
Reflecting on my sentence spent
with all of those who came and went

The lights on, but no ones home
Conjoined by roads where no one goes
Properties left overgrown
staring through the windows all alone

I know the truth
I'm not one of you
I will never be
the population reflects that obviously

Honesty my enemy
punishing me for using it freely
I wont knock, or right the bell
When the threshold emits a decaying smell

Their apathy driving me mad
a nomad constantly being had
with words so insincere
Four letter lies ring in my ears

I
just
     WISH
that I
      could have
APPLIED
  myself
         more. . . .

I chose to play this inane game
I know exactly who to blame
I could have turned and walked away
But the hand was laid and my bet was made

All of this duality
has me tearing at the seams
exactly who am I to be
a literary casualty
or just another nobody?

I didn't find you most beautiful
after all those hours you spent
on your makeup
or shaping your lovely hair
into its tiny strands.
or the outfits you wore
that hugged your frame
so eager to catch a hungry eye
I found you most beautiful
after the makeup
was smeared or washed away
your hair a mess from the long night
and your outfits nothing but balled up fabric
strewn across the room
and all those barriers you put up
for others
came crashing down
under the weight of your smile
thats when you were the most beautiful thing
I have ever seen.

Im sorry I cant be like you
humans always on the move
scraping for their families
to supply nice shiny, little things
Im sorry that I can not act
in apathy or still intact
as those on your flashing screen
Id rather remain unseen
to those who would rather sleep
than make dreams a reality
clinging to a crippling fear
as happiness whizzes past their ears
Like a bullet that the eye cant catch
the masters money you must fetch
its the only way of gain
in a twisted, sick, society

but I dont want you anyway
I only want someone like me

There is nothing more that I hate
besides my uncertainty

I see your shadows without light
I hear the echo of your whispers
I know what you dream at night
and what makes them occur
I know the star you wish upon
and what those dreams are
I know all your imperfections
and every single scar
I know the fears that you face
and which ones give you chase
I know the truths that you embrace
and the ones that you deter
I know that which you reject
and that which you prefer


I know you
you know me
I am you
you are me

I know that you're out there
I'm still searching for you
lets escape this nightmare
of a constant pursuit
I just want a fair share
in something that is true
This roads going nowhere
I need you to pass through

Dont have the time
I will not try
I must deny

a mediocre love


I will not try
I must deny
Dont have the time

for an ordinary love

I think there is a problem
with humanity
when we confine
masculinity and femininity
to opposite sexes
as if
all humans
should not experience both
and in a world such as ours
femininity is seen as a weakness
and those who lean toward that side,
are belittled.
no wonder our society as a whole
questions a lack of compassion.

I remember the days
I used to punch up inanimate objects
to a pulp
until my knuckles were bare
and they were a ****** mess for weeks
so in a way,
I guess I did the same thing

I used to judge some of the girls I knew
who did this. . .
thinking they just wanted attention,
but they did. .
and now I realized, so did I.

We all do. .  

Maybe we just want others to see our pain
or perhaps we want to manifest
our mental pains physically

but I grew out of it
and found new, better ways
to express that fiery pit inside me
to relate it to others
and you will too. . .

So I can honestly say. . .
  It just isnt worth it.

Life will scar you enough as it is,
and the best thing you can do
is grin as it does
in defiance.

They never like the long ones

I guess that its okay,

sometimes I face the whirl wind

and have too much to say.

They never like the long ones

I cant help but feel dismay

knowing what will cater

To an A.D.D society.

Its
     not
my
        job
to
  tell
you
   what
part
to  

focus on.

It seems as if
everyone strives to be inhuman
terrified of their own thoughts
and emotions
So much that we would rather
feign perfection
than accept our faults

Gods ******* children
seeking the affections
of a father figure
that is indifferent
to their wants and needs

I can only
slowly tear myself to pieces
in attempts to be rid of
what has been imprinted
onto my soul
etched into my bones
as it mingles with my blood flow
I poke my fingers
through the hole in my rib cage
ripping out the mangled fragments
one tiny bit at a time
until I am as empty
as I feel

Fate always has a different plan
than that of which I make
why should one even plan at all
a forsaken destiny
I cant slap back the hand of god
or applaud the devils nod
when it seems each and every dream
is reality's facade

I liked feelings better
  back when I was too young to really
understand them.
  I have become too familiar to their touch
that once used to run chills down my spine
  and the ones I once impatiently awaited
Do not cut as sharp as they once did.
  perhaps its the memories
that paint a more vivid picture
  for that I am not sure.

I cant say its been awhile since Ive BEEN this drunk.
but I can say its been awhile since Ive FELT this drunk
as I hold one hand over one eye
and type with the other two

I believe
when it all boils down to it
the majority of us
would rather have nothing
with someone
than everything
with no one.

I feel as If
I am basking in the warm light
of a star that died long ago
As if I am the moon
refusing to disappear from the morning sky
I am the raccoon
who could escape his trap
if he would only let go of that shiny metal object
A trout swimming against the current
to a birthplace no longer there
A man trying to fill the void of lost love
which he knows was one of a kind.