A cold sharp razor

touching soft pale skin

I breaks it. Pooling blood

Like a volcano slowly erupting

Red and brow stains the pale

The pale smooth skin

It stains my hands and thigh

I keep going deeper and deeper

Relief washes over my body

The thoughts slowly disappearing

Its like I can breathe again

I take a gulp of fresh air

It fills my lungs

As if I am no longer drowning

Drowning,
Deep down,
Flooding inside,
Facing life,
Feeling as if I had no say,
And feeling as if I had no life,
Drowning,
Deep Down,
No feelings inside,
Nor the outside,
Broken,
Physically,
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Drowning,
Dee­p Down,
It's all coming to an end,
Scars,
And more scars,
Inside and out,
No one to save me,
No one to help,
Drowning,
Deep down,
My wrist are flooding,
My brain is exploding,
And it's all simply about to come to an end,
Drowning,
Deep down,
No feeling in my body,
No feeling in my life,
Is there a meaning in being alive,
Drowning,
Deep down..

My life revolves around pain,
So much it's made me,
Hurt my self and not even feel a thing,
It makes me sick afterwards,
When I see the scars and remember every,
Tiny little thing for why I have those ******* scars.

Holding out these empty arms
Cursing my disillusionment
Why did I imagine it could be any other way
that I could have been content, dreams that's all it was,
Mothers arms are not meant to be empty
I look up at the sky, tears filling my eyes,
Searching the stars trying to find my angel
The brightest star I search for
Finding it the first tear rolls down my cheek
Memories flood back of our short time together
Love totally encasing my heart as I look at that star
I know you are there baby I will never forget
I just can't come to accept as I look that you are so far
I would have cuddled and loved you kept you safe
Within my arms holding you in a tight embrace
I will search these skies for you each night
But just for now have to leave you in Gods guiding light
Sleep well my baby one day my arms and heart will be full again
As I join you and give you all that was meant to be

Forever, isn't as long,
Life is a struggle,
But you promised,
And now you're gone,
There was so much you'll miss,
Did you forget about me?
How we were suppose to,
Fight with every ounce,
Forever, isn't as long,
What happened?
Would you miss me?
Please tell me,
Where you here all along,
Or was it just me?
Forever, isn't as long,
And now I've been here along,
Why did you leave,
Did I do something wrong?
Left here all alone,
I need you here,
Forever,isn't as long,
If what you said was true,
Could I live here without you,
Forever**, isn't as long,
And now I'm here all alone,
Or have I been along?

I can't talk to anybody,
I feel like nobody understands,
So I pick up some paper and grab me a pen.
You see me smile, but if you only knew
The things that I hold onto
And just can't seem to let go.
I know I must forgive, and I said that I do,
But I don't really think that I actually do.
Forgive my mother, my brothers friend, moms boyfriend, and aunt's boyfriend
For the pain they put me through as a kid.
I spoke up, no one listened.
So it continued on and I just didn't mention
The things that went on in the middle of the night.
It happened before, so maybe it's all right.
At 5, at 8, at 9 and 10.
Over and over and over again.
She caught him, forgave, got married, nothing changed.
I'm over it now, I really am.
I think about it every now and then.
Have trouble sleeping at night.
I say it don't hurt now, when I shake at night.
I know the only way to get over it,
Is to open up and speak,
But when I spoke when I was younger,
No one heard me.
So you tell me, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO,
When that voice in my head keeps saying,
You're wasting your time, no one cares about you.
I can't shake that, I've believed that my whole life.
I'm just glad that I have a pen, paper, and the ability to write.
'Cause when I feel like no one hears me,
I just write

Who am I no one really knows
when I try to get close they ask to many questions
so I put up a mask up of lies, and hurt
hoping no one will see through my phony disguise

because no one knows I cry myself to sleep at night
hoping wishing someone will free me from my curse
I try to talk to friends but they don't understand
all except one

it's like she knows about my mask of sorrow
she see's through the lies and helps me when I'm hurt
I think she knows but I'm not really sure
but until she frees me

I put my mask on hoping one day she'll take it off me
but until then we're taking it one step at a time
together hand in hand

Roses are red,
                         violets are blue,
                                                     when things fall apart,
                                                                                            love is our glue.

You all thought I was kidding.
Kidding when I said I mess up.
Mess up with ever chance I get.
No matter what.
I find a way.
And this one out of all the times.
This one hurts the most.
So without her.
My story ends here.
I'm saying goodbye.
I can't take it anymore.

You know.
You know.
I love you.
I've loved you along.
I dream over you loving me.
I'll stop breathing.
So never let me go.
Hold on to me and never let me go.
Because I need.
To hear you say.
I love you.

I know this is a place for poems, but I believe the 22nd will be my last day on here for awhile..

People call me stupid,
And that I never learn,
But if that was  true,
I wouldn't feel so right,
Having you to call mine,
So,
Lets not put me down,
When I am Finally happy.

******* think,
Thin they,
They know,
Know me,
Me and my,
My Girl,
******* yall,
Yall dont,
Dont know,
Know ****,
She has,
Has fixed my,
My missing,
Missing pieces,
Like a,
A puzzle,
Piece,
So do,
Do us,
A favor,
Get lost,
*******.

"I'm saying you need to find your happiness."
she said..

"You were my ******* happiness"
I replied..

"Were..."*
she said..

"That's because there is NO US and that was my happiness so I guess this is me until I die.."*
I replied..

Amazing and beautiful
not a flower or a tree
Much prettier than that
and only I can see

Loving and caring
right down to the core
Filling me with happiness
and so much more

Eyes are so stunning
cannot look away
Gorgeous and shining
all throughout the day

Here in your arms
is where I belong
The beating of your heart
is like a beautiful song

When she has too get off the phone,
And your world crashes,
Because honestly all you want to hear,
Is her voice,
ugh..

Everyday around quarter past three,
you burst into the bathroom searching for me,
I get hidden by your mother while you are away,
hidden, unused for most of the day,
I feel your anger as your hand grips me tight,
I'm the one & only thing that helps you sleep at night,
I live to put scars upon your wrist,
I leave my mark I'm proud of this,
I watch as the beautiful red blood pattern drips,
and runs off the ends of your fingertips,
what possesses humans to act like this,
to scream, cry & cut their wrists,
but for now my job is clear
the reason that I was brought here
to relieve the pain
to sit by the window and watch the rain,
up until around quarter past three
when you burst into the bathroom searching for me...

I just felt everything crash,
I just felt like I died but still having to stay on Earth,
Ugh

I am so*                          Worthless

                           *Hopeless              Invisible

                                           Helpless
                                                                 Damaged
                             Lost
                                             flawed
                                                                 Fragile
                                  Hurt
                                                    Confused
                                                                            Hurt
                                 Unlovable
                                                            Sad
                                                                          Ruined
                                   *Scared

But you knew when she was sad,
          
        The circles under her eyes got darker,
                    
                     The sound of her voice got softer,
    
                             The size of her waist got smaller,
    
                                     And her smile?
                                                
                                                       *Disappeared

So many people,
Yet I pick you,
Because I see you,
And only you,
But yet,
You only picked me,
For temporary,
Not Forever,
When I had my heart,
Mind and body,
Set for forever,
You yet,
Choose others..
It's okay,
Haven't I told you,
Just like the rest,
They always leave,
I'm use to it,
Go ahead,
Just know I love you,
Like NO other..

I guess since I have been broke many,
Many times before,
I can feel when my world is about to,
Crumble and go to ****,
And tonight is the night,
Just great,
I don't even care about anything anymore,
So If you ask me anything more then likely you will get,
"I dont care anymore" take it how you want,
I'm done,
**** this,
I think the silver beast is going to be my best friend,
&& I have only made it four days clean..

I just want to be with you,
That's all,
But I know that I can't,
Because no one wants us together,

I don't want to be here..
I don't want to be alive,
I don't want to feel anymore,
I don't want to cry anymore,
I don't want to smile anymore,
I don't want to be here,
But
I'm going to be here,
I'm going to be alive,
I'm going to feel,
I'm going to cry,
I'm going to smile,
I'm going to be here,
For one person and one thing from her,
For my world as I refer to Leah,
And the one thing is for her to love me..

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you about me,
And how they hear me scream,
And watch me while I bleed.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you I was ******
Surprised that I'm not dead,
With a knife clutched to my hand.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you how I cry,
All the pain that's in my eyes,
That's eating me alive.

If only walls could talk;
They'd tell you to be strong,
To keep on moving on,
Long after I'm gone

i know this is a place for poems, but I need to let this out. I am over whelmed and I don't want to be here anymore, and o its not just her. It ls everything. And I simply just am giving up..

Blood boiled in every vain,
Like a flicker in every flame.
Tears streaming from my eyes,
'Cause my life is built on lies.
Overpowered by my fears,
So I kept quiet for many years.
The secrets tore me up inside.
With a twisted mind and arms atied
They took their turns,
So I buried the burns.
I grew up thinking it was my fault.
My fault for every ****, and every assault.
Those dark memories still haunt my brain,
And still I feel I'm the one to blame.
Every night I lie awake,
Wondering how much I can take.
If only someone would have listened,
To the screams and to the pleads.
Maybe I could have ended it all,
And still be able to stand tall.
But I can't take it ant longer,
They say you can't hurt me anymore,
But I'm not so sure,
But tonight enough, is enough,
You can no longer hurt me..

I'm So fed up,
People always telling me,
I'm a sin,
That it's wrong I love a girl,
It's wrong I am able to go to bed at night happy,
It's so wrong,
And that I am going to hell,
What If
It was wrong that you were  boy that loved a girl,
Or a girl that loved a boy,
How could you go to sleep at night happy,
You're a sin,
You're going to hell,
That's nasty,
But
Yet, I sit back,
And Let you love,
Is it that bad?
Because I promise,
I'll take going to hell,
Over this girl..

My Feelings?
oh, don't
worry about them
no one
else ever does.

I'm not sure where to start,
I don't know how to begin,
I guess I'll start with i miss you,
Cause that's what I'm feeling within,

I miss you like a cloud with no sun in the sky,
It has nothing to look up to and so it cries,
Crying raindrops fall onto the ground,
To just fade to nothing, nowhere to be found,

I miss you like a tree with no leave,
Nothing to move and drift in the breeze,
Leave scattered and sodden,
Walked upon, a broke soul down trodden,

I miss you like a mouth with no tongue,
It cannot speak, all these words left unsung,
They just hang in the moment, caught up in the mind,
Words left unspoken and all left behind,

I miss you like friends all alone,
Each missing each other, calling them on the phone,
It's like no ones answering your endless calls,
Pleas echoing along deserted halls,

I miss you like a lover torn away,
From the one she cares for and thinks of each day,
When she reaches for his hand, and when she reaches for his kiss,
And theres nothing there, only memories of this,

I miss you as a lover,
I miss you as a friend,
I miss your words,
Of how we wouldn't end,

I miss you as a tree,
And i miss you as a cloud,
I miss you with every tears i cry,
Each tear shows I'm not proud,

I miss you as i fall apart,
And i reach out for you touch,
And then i remember you're not there,
God i miss you babe, so much

did you eat today
sure I did, I ate plenty
of lonely with a side
of regret and a
sprinkling of pure
sadness and for
dinner I ate my
tears and I watched
my blood eat me
alive and suddenly
I wasn't so hungry
anymore..

I'm not sure,
I'm not here,
I'm not okay,
I'm not fine,
I'm not living,
I'm not perfectly happy,
I'm not what people call perfect,
I'm not rich,
but
I'm always here for you,
I'm caring,
I'm in love,
I'm happy around her,
I'm trying,
I'm me,
And I have my flaws!

The cold icy blade,
running across my skin,
Sending chills down my spine.
Crimson blood running down my wrist,
Dripping down drop by drop to the sink below me.
I feel calm, and in control.
The devil inside me has taken my soul.
The blade doing it's job one time, two times, three and more.
My vision goes blurry, the room goes dark, my heart pounds faster.
I wake up the next day groggy, confused.
People pounding on the bathroom door.
My brain pounding in my head.
I put on my best face,
Because they can't know,
They won't know.
I'll find an excuse, for everything.
And their world will be fine.
No matter if mine is a living hell.
they'll never know. Until it's to late.

I tell my parents, my ex (wishing she was mine), my friends, my siblings,
that "I am sick"

I now know that I'm not like flu, or cold, sick.
I'm so disgusted with myself that it make me feel sick,
It happens most when I look in the mirror, or get dressed, I don't have a point in trying anymore. So yeah..

My Best Wasn't Enough










                                                                          I get that.

I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being the one,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being perfect,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being there,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for being broken,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being beautiful,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being skinny,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for not being a ******,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for having scars,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I am who I am,
I'm sorry,
I'm trying to change...

...Family has finally gave up on me.
I'm seven days clean from cutting,
Haven't ate in 3 days..
And cry myself to sleep..
Sorry, its just me.

I'm that girl that hides behind that fake smile,
I'm that girl that wears bracelets,
I'm that girl that wears jackets,
I'm that girl that is "Shy"
I'm that girl that has scars,
I'm that girl that has had a past that makes you want to cry hearing it,
I'm that girl you call strong,
I'm that girl..
Quick fix here..
I'm that girl that has too hid behind that fake smile,
I'm that girl the has too wear bracelets,
I'm that girl that  has too wear those jackets,
I'm that girl that is scared to be social because I've been hurt too many times,
I'm that girl that feels lost without her scars because the blade was the only thing there helping for awhile,
I'm that girl that has too move past her own past and never look back,
But most off all *where and the hell do you get strong from