I can't have depression because I'm a man.
I'll take care of everything, you know that I can.
It's not about ego or my self esteem.
And I'm not being moody, just what do you mean?
Go to the doctor, visit a shrink.
Whatever would our family and friends start to think?
I'm  just over tired that’s all that it is.
Let's put this behind us and don't tell the kids.
I can’t have depression because I'm a man
Or maybe I'm wrong, and really I can.

By Trevor Reynolds 2019

There's an empty seat at the table today
There's a bed not slept in last night
There's the deafening sound of silence in the room
There is darkness even though there is light

There's  a cloud of reality hanging around
There's a memory passing through your mind
There's so many reasons for celebrating a life
There's words like loving and kind

There's  another day tomorrow, I hear people say
There's light at the end of the storm
There's others who need your attention right now
There's the hungry and folks to keep warm

But, there's still an empty seat at the table today
And, there's still that unslept in bed
And, there's a voice missing from the din of the crowd
But their words resonate in your head

There's peace for their souls and relief from their pain
There's the memories to last your lifetime
There's things that you shared and others who cared
And there's times that were just yours and mine.
                                                               By Trevor Reynolds 2017

Morphine whiskey
Washed down with ginger ale
Leaves me fatigued and dehydrated
And a whiter shade of pale.
Drowning all my sorrows
By pickling my brain
A pure act of genius
Or just mentally insane.
A self inflicted curfew
I must be home by dawn
As I burn the midnight oil
Losing my queen to a simple pawn.
This game of chess called life
Has passed me by too fast
But has ended with a final look
Through the bottom of a glass.

A couple are walking hand in hand
One is a fella, the other a man
They walk so close, it’s hard to tell them apart
Do your eyes have a prejudice heart?

A young woman kisses her brand-new bride
They wear their love like a badge of pride
Their life together they’re about to start
Do your eyes have a prejudice heart?

The calling from the mosque brings them to prayer
The women in a side room, cause only men go in there
Their faith deems it necessary to pray apart
Do your eyes have a prejudice heart?

They look quite normal when seen from the back
Yet one is white and the other is black
Both of them worldly and both of them smart
Do your eyes have a prejudice heart?

My eyes they are my window
My eyelids are the blinds
But if you look into these eyes
So many things you’ll find

Like all my pain and sadness
From scars that will not heal
They’ll tell you when I'm healthy
And likewise, if I’m ill

For me, they are a window
But to you, they are a door
An entry to my very soul
Which no one, has seen before

So, if I look in your eyes
And tell you all I see
Will you pluck up the courage?
To do the same for me.

Upon a wooden cross
Sealed by a rusty nail
The savior of mankind
His hands and feet impaled
While sinners mocked and jeered
A lesson He did give
Choosing to die this way
So all of us could live
He said if we repent
And seek Him as the way
He’d prepare a place for us
To join him one fine day
He died to save us all
Yet some denounce His name
They banned Him from our schools
And treat him with disdain
For those that keep the faith
Your worship won’t be lost
He said so on that night
Upon that wooden cross.

Icicles

Icicles drip in the midmorning sun
Like a Saline bag feeding your arm.
Intravenous emotions that fill my veins
While my heart has cause for alarm.
My frosty exterior matches the scene
That I observe through a window of mist.
My demeanors unsteady, like walking on ice
Around the edge of a virtual abyss.
Thoughts of the future while denying my past
Relying on forgiveness and repent.
Making a list, of often unwanted gifts
A waste, of the money I have spent.
Another drip falls from the cold icicles
Vanishing, once it hits the ground.
Wasting away, like we all will one day
To a silence, that's serene yet profound.

When you disrespect your father
Pouring scorn on the family name
A defiant planned rebellion
And an attempt to shift the blame.
But nobody but yourself
Can undo the things you’ve done
An unsavory form of treason
Is the betrayal of a son.
When a hand of reconciliation
Is ****** in your direction
You arrogantly dismissed it
Thus, confirming your defection.
You run and hide in crevices
Like an inmate on the run
But know that everyone is punished
By the betrayal of a son.

He Watches Me
I know He watches me
I speak with Him sometimes.
His words engulf my silent thoughts
To help me read between the lines.
His guidance I should often seek
Yet, alas I do forget.
But He forgives me of my sins
And heals my hearts regrets.
One day I hope to thank Him
For all that He has done.
Not just for me personally
But for everyone

While the face of pain
Distorts in a grimace of reflection.
As sympathetic well-wishers offer
Comfort and well meant consolation.
Yet, this pain isn't nerve induced
From an injury or sick body part.
It’s been caused by anguish or remorse
And is felt in the soul of your heart.
News of a bereavement that's sudden
Destroys the bridge, you were hoping to rebuild.
Resentment that had eaten your ego
Causing your love and compassion to be killed.
They tell you that time is a healer
But that’s a lie proclaimed by the weak.
Love and forgiveness are your saviour
If it’s harmony and peace that you seek.
Don't wait for news to make you suffer
As it may be the news that you dread.
Be kind and love one another
As you can't make amends with the dead.

A broken man lays stretched out on the sidewalk
A cardboard mattress and a newspaper duvet
Some people pass and drop coins in his beggar’s cup
Then a kid on a cycle steals the cup right away

To you, it may not be the crime of the century
But it was all that he had to get himself fed
So, he packs up his home there in front of the bakery
Goes round to the trash bins in search of yesterday's bread

His clothes are a mismatch of discarded garments
His shoes not a pair or even the same size
Nobody speaks to him to ask how he's doing
So, nobody sees the distress in his eyes

He walks to the corner to await the kind people
The one's who bring soup and a warm cup of Joe
He studies the area for his new home location
As he can't stand the thought of having nowhere to go

Time, he has plenty, but a purpose he has not
Just walking the streets in search of himself
Political candidates, they promise to help him
But once their elected they only care for themselves

As stars fill the sky and bones grow very tired
He lays out his mattress and makes up his bed
The sight that we see, may appall and revolt us
But try looking out, from inside his head

Hidden Meaning

 Beware of hidden meanings
That lurk in others words.
They creep up on you like ripples
Once the waters been disturbed.
You took it as a kindly phrase
Confused by their intention.
They slyly recruited your support
As the truth they did not mention.
Now with your realization
Of their cunning and devious plot.
Your understanding comes too late
And stop it, you cannot.
Do you let them force the checkmate?
As it’s just a matter of time.
Or ease the amount of bloodshed
And gracefully resign.

The cracks on my lips
From when I kissed the wind
My faith is bruised
From the times I’ve sinned
Aches in my heart
From the loves that I’ve lost
The lines on my face
Is my vanity’s cost
As each year passes
My reactions slow
Some people might say
That I’ve let myself go.
Walking sticks, hearing aids
Lotions and pills
To keep me more active
And cure all my ills
Although, you see it around you
And you’re frequently told
Nothing can prepare you
For just growing old.

She sits alone and cries
Tears cascade down her face
Reminiscent of a waterfall after the rains
She sobs those elongated breaths
Like billows at a furnace
Her body heaves with grief
And still, she cries
I stand outside her door
Like a sentry on guard
Helpless to do anything but wait
She wants to be alone
I'm forbidden to invade into her sorrow
I cannot change the reason for her tears
And still, she cries
Her sobbing does get faint
Then builds again
Like an orchestrated symphony of pain
It hurts my heart
To hear the one I love in such distress
I'm her knight and meant to save her
Yet still, she cries
The sobbing has ceased
Though I still hear her whimper in her sleep
I'm tired too, but I will not abandon my post
This dragon that engulfs her I must slay
I carry no known weapons but my love
I wonder if that will ever be enough
For each time she cries.

The clouds have gathered overhead
My demons all assemble
Reflecting on the man I was
Who now I don't resemble
I hide my pain behind a smile
But why am I pretending
I've read this book a thousand times
There is no happy ending

Racked with pain each days the same
The joys of life forgotten
Falling down amidst the crowd
My very soul downtrodden
Yet still I laugh or tell a joke
I make my eyes tell lies
They do not care of the load you bear
Or a man that secretly cries

They cannot cure they just subdue
With therapy and sedation
You stand by a deserted railroad track
On an empty derelict station
You know the train will never come
Yet you search for its arrival
With the office closed you cannot buy
A ticket for your survival.
                     Trevor Reynolds 2019

Some days I feel like smiling
Sometimes I’m reduced to tears,
It pulls me from my fantasy land
Surrounding me with my fears.

Some nights I pass on sleeping
Some how my mind won’t rest,
With memories of forgotten times
Causing anguish and distress.

Somewhere out in the darkness
Somebody calls my name,
Granting me forgiveness
Though my heart still bares the blame.

Some places rekindle happy times
Someone may break your trance,
You will find peace and happiness
If you give yourself the chance.

When you look in a mirror, what do you see
A reflection of how you use to be
Or do you see the changes there
Some wrinkled skin, or greying hair
Look past your image into your mind
I wonder what in there you'll find
Or maybe deeper down in your soul
And see the things that make you whole
We can dress the surface to tell a lie
Making us younger as time passes us by
But something we should never hide
Is who we are down deep inside
When you look in a mirror, what you should see
Is the person who you want to be.
Trevor Reynolds 2019

The hollow hole that was once my stomach, but now a gut-wrenching anguish consumes my soul.

Puddles of dispare fall from my fountain eyes while rivers of remorse distort my pitiful face.

Layers of memories cloud my mind as former happy occasions only add to my grief.

Questions without answers trouble my thoughts and even when injured I’ve never felt such pain.

My faith lays temporarily shattered in distressed anger as I'm frustrated at the consequence of this surreal reality.

Exhausted by an emotional workout that leaves me limp and to say the very least, I am grief-stricken.

The platform was nearly empty
A few stragglers from the fading day
Waiting for the last train
To transport them away.
The reasons for their journey
Were different and unrelated
But each held a ticket
As so patiently they waited.
Our lives are never guaranteed
We're just players, in a game of chance
Some of us will get to attend the ball
While others will miss the dance.
Each day presents its highs and low’s
The triumphs and the strains
While we all wait unexpectedly
For the arrival of our last trains.

Burning embers molten ash
The residue of yesterday’s trash.
Flames that flicker in the dark
From cuts of wood and old tree bark.
Smoke that dances in the breeze
A heat that warms arthritic knees.
Cups of hot chocolate and self made smores
Tonight’s reward for today’s finished chores.
Tales of truth with some *******
Stories that are told around the fire-pit.

A dozen roses in a vase
A kaleidoscope of color
To pick just one to press and keep
Seems insulting to the others.
In the end I had to choose
The one that first, caught my eye
Its vibrant blossom standing out
Causing a sentimental cry.

Its petals felt like velvet
With a scent of pure delight
It seemed to glow endlessly
Even in the dead of night
This rose is one I'll treasure
For we will never be apart
It will always be there with me
As it blossoms in my heart.

May God Bless everyone who is suffering from Depression.

Relaxation help me please
Before this world brings me to my knees
Relieve my stress, unload this burden
So I don't need, to hide behind this curtain
Close my mind as I close my eyes
And I'll no longer see these stormy skies
Anxiety crowds and clouds my soul
As deeper I fall into this large black hole
To take my life, I do debate
But what other mess would that create
An end to this I cannot see
And that as well depresses me
So let me sleep, my thoughts dispelled
Or take me from this living hell
One thing after another, a continuous succession
Leaves me lost in a dark depression.
by Trevor Reynolds 2017

Between, their love and hate
I'm caught in the crossfire.
Was I the cause of this anger
Or the product of their desire.
I watch them as they argue
I laugh when they smile.
They take turns to bribe me
When their being nice for a while.
I don't want the candy
Or the last minute gifts.
Just a peaceful loving home
Instead of these constant heated tiffs.
If I've made them this way
Then I’m sorry and sad.
Because I really love them both
As they're my mom and dad.

I Died Last Night

I died last night, Passed in my sleep
An appointment with God, I had to keep
He welcomed me, with open arms
While angels sang, and recited psalms
He told me things; He'd watched me do
And once or twice, He mentioned you
Please dry those tears, don’t cry in vain
One day He said, we’ll meet again
Save your strength, Keep up the good fight
I gave of my best, until I died last night.
                             Trevor Reynolds 2020

In every plant seed there's a flower
Waiting for the chance to bloom.
While some mature and blossom
Others fade away, far to soon.
We marvel at the flowers
Their beauty, color and style
But what of all those others
Who grew for just a while.

They blossom in God's garden
In full majestic splendor.
No weeds to choke them down
No storms to demand their surrender.
We will all see this fine display
When we reach the promised land
As we walk through the gates of heaven
Led by Our Savior's hand.

Laying my head down I close my eyes
Seeing scattered visions of purple flowers
My head spinning around like a fairground whip
From drinking tequila into the small hours
My clothing consists of stuff I’ve begged, stole or borrowed
It’s in need of a wash, we’ll maybe tomorrow
For food, I drink the devils fire water
Whatever I can get, as long as it’s strong
It helps me to forget
For this is where I belong
The sidewalk is smooth
And good for my back
My only concern
Is a random attack
It’s happened before
As I’ve been laying there sleeping
They try to rob you
But I have nothing worth keeping
They call me a ***
A stain on society
I can’t keep a job
For my lack of Sobriety
When I die, I’ll be thrown
Into some unmarked grave
Not fit for your charity
Or able to be saved
Yet, I’ve forgotten more
Than some of you will know
And been to places
That you would love to go
I lived in a mansion
A palace no less
Now the street is my home
And I’m labeled homeless.

Depression grips me by the throat
As I struggle it gets tighter.
Now's the time I'll find out
If I'm a quitter or a fighter.

I want to quit and fade away
Just sit quietly in the darkness
But something stirs me from within
And leads me through my blindness.

I hear His voice, I feel His presence
The black clouds part and disappear
He picks me up into his arms
And speaks the words I long to hear.

I'm with you every step you make
I will guide you through life's maze
So trust in Me and keep your faith
Throughout your troubled days.

Open your eyes and start to see
The wonders that await you
Fill your lungs with sacred air
And sing your songs like birds do.

Forget dark thoughts that stone you down
Your sins are all forgiven
Just read the words that are in red
Then remember why they are written.

By Trevor Reynolds

I sometimes see those old white cliffs Behind my closed eyelids
Memories of yesteryear the places I have lived
The beauty of my homeland, the pomp and pageantry
Fish n chips, buttered scone’s and all it means to me

My new homes also beautiful, with wonders from coast to coast
From liberty to Alcatraz the sights I like the most
It's heritage so different the people so diverse
Yet the reason for it's cultures has now become it's curse

We all want immigration it's what's made us who we are
From ships to Ellis island and explorers from a far
But we also want security and safety for our people
So come in through the front door and make your entry legal
                                          Trevor Reynolds 2019

I watched it glide across the mirror like water
Even its reflection was majestically serene.
With his head held high in a distinguished pose
This was the finest of the species I had ever seen.
With his wings folded back so tight and neat
And a plumage pristine, with not a feather out of place.
Surveying its surroundings and fellow inhabitants
As it journeyed onwards with style and grace.
He was not troubled by the river’s companions
Nor indeed did they appear to be threatened by him.
A mutual respect seemed to exist between them
This wasn't a contest either side had to win.
As they mingled together in the beam of bright sunlight
It was not just his beauty that stood him out from the pack.
With no sign of jealousy or perceived racial tension
Just a combined acceptance that this swan was black.

Whatever your color, race or creed,
The only thing that matters is the color you bleed.
Your my brothers and sisters, my siblings by creation
No matter what continent or individual nation.
Let's live together in peace and make God our reflection
Treat each other with kindness, love and affection.
The truth in the end will decide our fate
So let's change our ways before it's to late.

A flickering flame still remains
In the embers of yesterday's fire
Like my memories of you from long ago
When you were my one desire.

What happened to our trysts of love?
Our meetings so filled with passion
Then you dropped me like a lead balloon
Did I just go out of fashion?

Was it something I did or maybe said?
Maybe something I didn't say or do
Whatever it was it broke my heart
So strong was my love for you.

My ardor still smolders, just like the ashes
Both doused by the onset of rain
It is better I’m told to have tasted love
So, you'll know if you taste it again.

Looking down from my vantage point
Surveying the carnage below
I saw the truth about my life
In the tears of the people, I know.
Memories of regret for things I’d said
With remorse for what I didn’t say.
Procrastinating has left chores undone
Now, there will not be another day.
Its to late to accept apologies
Unable to forgive and forget.
I was going to do so many things
I just hadn’t got round to it yet.
Knowing I could have changed things
Or at least I should have tried.
Letting animosity end, while making amends
Before I went and died.
Each other we should treasure
Our time, more wisely spent
Material things are worthless
But we all are Heaven sent.
So, take note of words of wisdom
In the good book their written in red.
They’re words that we should live by
It’s to late when we are dead.

The royal oak is still standing
As the construction crews draw near.
This Sir Lancelot of the woodland
Now deprived of his sweet Guinevere.
While all around him were slaughtered
He stood in defiant  splendor.
Unable to prevent the carnage
But refusing to yield and surrender.
The town folk fought for conservation
But the fat cats money was to strong.
One tree was all we were asking for
To remain in the place it belonged.
We held a candlelight vigil
And chained ourselves to his trunk.
But the mechanical army was relentless
And cast us aside, like we were junk.
We prayed for a stay of execution
So that this historic landmark could remain.
But they laughed as they cut him to the ground
Treating him with their total disdain.
Now the woodlands is full of houses
With shops and offices a plenty.
And although it is full of bricks and mortar
To me, the landscape is barren and empty.
The destruction of nature for progress
Is a pill just to big to swallow.
To give up all of our yesterdays
Will not guarantee our tomorrow.

If all you leave is a decaying corpse
And the skeletal remains of your life.
Then you've  failed to leave a legacy
For your children or your wife.

Fond memories are a treasure
More precious than silver or gold.
A foundation for their future
In a story that you once told.

Your love in which they showered
During times they needed you the most.
Left them refreshed, secure and empowered.
So, in your memory they would boast.

A tear maybe shed at your passing
Yet like the sun, a smile will break through.
Not because they inherit your riches
But with love, they're remembering you.

I just need somebody to listen
Show empathy, understanding and love.
I don't want someone who will judge me
As my judge is my God up above.

While your opinion may be valid and plausible
It’s not what I need to hear.
I so need a friend and confidant
Who is willing to lend me their ear.

What I have to say, I feel deeply about
It may not be right or wrong.
It’s about a goodbye, that may make you cry
Like the words of an old country song.

So, if you are feeling kind hearted
And have some spare time you can share.
Come over and help me unload
This troublesome burden I bear.

It may not be very exciting
But please, stay with me until the end.
If you will be the one, who will listen
I'll know, I at least have a friend.

Do you speak the words you intend to write?
Rehearsing how they will read.
Do you write your thoughts down right away?
Or just whenever you feel the need.
Is your pen an extension of your heart?
Does it flow from line to line?
Do you stop what you’re doing to write things down?
Or wait until you have the time.
Can you visualize the created scene?
Like a painting in your mind
Do you publish them, for all to see?
Or make your talent hard to find.
You may belong to a special group
Although, you may not know it.
As people able to make their hearts talk
Are commonly known as poets.

Frustration grips your inner soul
Like mud wrestling by yourself
There is no way to win
So you lay there self defeated.
Anger at your own inadequacy
Your blindness at the situation
Unable to see what was expected of you
And deaf to the signs and warnings
You classify yourself a failure
But it’s worse than that
As others see your shortcomings too
Stuck in the mire and unable to hide
You offer yourself as a sacrifice
Before understanding that
You've already become one
Such is the pain of a lost love.

A perfect place and the right time
For you to say what's on your mind
The right time and the perfect place
To confront your demons face to face
Open wounds that will not heal
Pent up emotions, that make you ill
Things said in anger while on the phone
Have sent you to the quiet zone
You've arranged to meet, and make your peace
But it triggers an explosion, a verbal release
Things to say, swirl inside your head
Even stuff, that should be left unsaid
Maybe you, should not have met
You may say things, you’d now regret
Will it clear the air, will tranquility reign?
Can barriers be broken, or will our egos remain?
This may indeed, be the perfect place and time
To keep your heart in focus, and your thoughts in line
So, what if it's, the right time and place.
Just turn the other cheek, and walk away with grace.
Silence can sometimes, make you feel alone
But there is comfort, in the quiet zone.

This all started in my teens, it was just a little ****
But I found I smoked it more and more, As I felt I had the need
To pay for the substance, I sold a little crack
I lost respect for my parents, so began to answer them back
They kicked me out when I left school, Because I couldn't keep a job
I was branded by society, As a ****** or a yob
I started using needles, as a way to get my fix
Was living in a doss house, with my own kind, I had to mix
In and out of jail, it became quite systematic
This is the true-life story, of how I became an addict
Counselling I tried but it wasn't meant to be
Sitting around in circles telling stories is not for me
So, they booked me in a program which they say I cannot fail
I can hardly not turn up as it's held inside the jail
I’ve three years left to serve if I stick to the regime
After all is said and done, at least I'll come out clean
So now I'm moving forward my life no longer static
It makes me proud to say, I’m now a recovering addict.

If I could have three wishes
That I knew would all come true
I'd think about them carefully
Before deciding what, I'd do
My first wish would be simple
All the hungry I would feed
There would be no more starvation
No one in suffering, no one in need
My second wish is for the homeless
No more the streets to roam
They won’t need to look for shelters
For everyone will have a home
My last wish is for mercy
And that everybody is healed
There would be no need for war
So, no one would get killed
But if I had just one wish
I know what it would be
My wish would be for everyone
To all live happily

Dementia

My memory is not what is was please forgive me if I lapse
I get confused and sometimes lost, I’m prone to some mishaps
I hurt the people that I love, Who I know in turn love me
It's just hard for me to remember, how things are meant to be
So, remember me for how I was, not who I've now become
Was I a husband or a father? Or just a mother's son
I'm tired now I need to sleep, It's time I’m on my way
I really did enjoy our chat, who are you anyway?
                    Trevor Reynolds 2020

I can't remember people’s faces
I’m not very good with names.
But don't stop coming to see me
I need your company just the same.
I’m taking my medication
That is, if I don't forget.
I know that I can’t reminisce
Is that something I should regret?
I like when people visit me
Some seem to know me well.
They say that I am looking good
But how is it they can tell?
They only met me a minute ago
When they walked in the place.
I thought I recognized their walk
But I don't recall their face.

How can I be broken?
Yet remain in one piece
My spirit floating on a wave of self pity.
Where once it felt like a hundred horses
Raced through my fast beating heart
A slow-moving mule now ideals past
My anguish consumes me like soldier ants
Munching away at today’s delicacy
How I yearn for that zest of adrenaline to return
So once again I can skip along through the fields of eternal joy, without fear or trepidation
But alas, storm clouds leave me grounded
Without shelter or adequate protection
Leaving me drenched in my monsoon of pity and depression.
Some say that we are not promised a tomorrow
Nor do I want or need one, until I’ve dealt with all my yesterdays.
And time is not my friend as it drags me towards emptiness.
People obstruct me talking about nothing and the weather
Let it rain I say, just let it rain.

The babbling brook leapt
Like a jester, dancing before the king.
Golden rays of sunlight sparkle to the tune
Of the sweet melodic flow of the stream
As they reflect off the surface
Mirroring musical Christmas lights.

The bears eyes grow wide in anticipation
Waiting for the trout to leap
Into their deathly grasps.
First one and then another
Clutch their slippery prey.
That ***** wildly like a bird.

On completion of the task
And without obvious instruction
They depart the water, each with a meal
Their teacher smiles as a proud mother should
While planning tomorrow's lesson
From her curriculum for life.