I shed my name
my truth
my identity
I became someone new
just for you
to tear me down

I suppose in ways
you are like this splinter pierced through my thumb
sitting idle
just below the flesh
but blistering and red all the same
ready to cause pain at the slightest pressure

never have I loved another
never has another's lips brushed mine
though I have dreamed of it
never has another loved me
never will another love me
for I am too broken, too lost, too unlovable
I try to change to fit their molds
but what's an unlovable girl to do?

on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

I know I shouldn't do it
but I do it anyway
lift it to my mouth
and breathe the pain away
breathe in the smoke of calm
its just a breathing exercise
right?

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please