It's sitting outside the friends room
His two good friends together again
He just sort of meanders about
Waiting for everyone to have time for him
He knows that's not how it really is
But that's just the way he feels
He's not sure if he is getting better
Or if he just really feels like he is
He kinda feels like he is running out of hope
Or maybe time
Probably time
He can't quite remember when he was sure
About anything about himself
He just knows he can feel happy
And he can feel sad
And he's not really sure when to feel them

The sound of the party next door
Filled with the stench of **** and failure
(Filled with same people who look down
Their noses at me).
I've been struggling a lot lately
With if I want to be a doctor
I just want to feel like I belong
So the sands of time flow
And I get to flip the hourglass
Until my bones are greyer than my hair
And my skin is sullen with wax

I feel like i can't wright anything
That's just not complete ****

2:53
just as good as a time for a dreamer than any other
An insomniac dreamer
Too tired to bother remembering
when he is asleep and wen he is awake
when too many coincidences pile up
He is convinced he is asleep
But when he wakes up
The world isn't right at all
And he is even more convinced that it is a dream
2:54
The world crashes and comes back
echoing the waves outside
I can't remember the last time
I missed someone that I hated so much
maybe because at one point you held my heart
maybe because at one point I actually cared
is that really what happened to us?
too fast we let it die
too fast we all die
2:56
Blackout curtains
Can't stand the sun getting me up
Blacker than ink out right now
Only comfort in the whole world
The warm glow of my screen
A flicker though
a lighthouse guides ships through the fog
a lighthouse guides the words across a page
a mighty beacon for the strong for to long and weary
gone and back
life and death
hinging all the pent up dreams on seeing that light again
guide me home
please, guide me home

You light up the fireworks
and they soar quietly into the sky
and explode in a magnificent display
I remember a few July's back
back when I still had someone to be with
back when I thought I knew what I was doing
I'm not sure why you talked to me on the fourth
we hadn't talked all week
not ever since the incident
so why then of all nights
and why did it feel so normal?

"I'm back,"
I whispered into the night
I lost myself
What was important to me before?
Not what I've been doing
To fake, to real
When everything changed to quickly
The only remedy for a broken heart
Was to fall in love
And continue the never ending cycle
When life moved to slow
and the mind races to fast
boredom with the interesting things
thoughts that wouldn't seem to fade
"I'm back,"
I whispered into the wall
drifting off to sleep
getting over a new sickness
and shedding off a new one
I lost something this summer
something I don't think I can ever get back
All I can do is move on
And promise to myself to never let the sickness back
I need to get the help I always needed

I'm back,
The real me this time
and for once, I am here to stay

Some friends gone to mass
some gone to the gym
some out to hike
I told them I was sick
and that I couldn't go
A lie naturally
I think I need a break from this place
I think I need to stop writing for a while
I need to find you
I'm going to take a break now
Catch up on some sleep
Maybe even go on a hike
to everyone that has been reading
Thank you
I feel so much closer to finding you

I suppose this is what ive become
a commodification of myself
i haven't written anything in ages
i just finished another work
not ten seconds ago
i  cant remember ever being proud
of the things i do
because i think that requires
one to be honest with the way things are

Slowly falling out of sync
The hands are no longer aligned
We lie awake at night
Asking why we did the things we did
We look into each others eyes
And recognize only the memories of the person
Drifting all alone in the universe
We thought we were lucky to find someone else
And we were for the longest time
Until your eyes stopped reflecting the stars
And the gravity of the situation tore us away

When the moon sets
And the words still descend
The ink still wet
New and another
Worked to the bone
The naked words run
Cracked and baked in their solitude
Across the page
Across the eyes
Across the universe
It's the only constant I believe in
The utter ineptitude of these words
And the chilling look in your eyes

So many different things flutter through my mind
New people every moment
New games and fun every single day
New forms of depression crashing over me
oh god
Oh God!
Is that what trying to be popular is like?
The constant nagging feeling of doing everything wrong
oh god oh god
Does she like me?
Do I like her?
What about her?
Or anyone else?

Breath
Breath
Awwwwww
Relax
Let the feeling wash over you
Listen to the beat of the planet
Feel the ice flow into your head
God I hate myself for doing this
Slow down and live
Slow down and breath

Everyone tries to label what they believe in. Their ideology, its in the books. Everyone reads the book of life but not everyone contributes. Oh how wonderful to read a book without reading it:. A lazy afternoon, hazy remembering of a long dead story. In bits of jealousy I envy those people. The readers. They enjoy for the sake of enjoying. These words, those books, are my own reading my own written story. I just want to put the book down and read. Here I am, sitting in a spot that's comforting. I'm tired, I'm cold. I'm imagining you reading this, the ever present reader I'm so wary of. I'm imagining you as I sit back with a sigh after writing this. Thinking back to my past when I thought I could write to you better. I'm sorry reader, sorry that I'm not a good author. I'm sorry that I ever thought I could be. I'm sorry I feel jealous of you. I'm sorry I had to write this. But more than anything else? I'm sorry I didn't read.

Raining at night
The moon catching every perfect drop
Not a chance to see the stars tonight is there?
No, it's foggy, it's murky, it's so **** sad
You sit on the park bench
An umbrella nothing more than a dull memory
The rain felt good on your skin
One of the little things you appreciate in life
You smile, taking another drink
You've reached peace with your life
Everything's that's happened to you
All the times your hearts been broken
All the times you succeeded
And it felt like nothing
All the times you thought you were living
But in a few days you were right back in your old habits that caused all problems in the first place
But that's not right now
Right now
You are living
You close your eyes and lean your head back
You smile as the sobbing shudders break through you
You feel the rain on your face
No longer knowing if they are natural or not
And you can't find it in yourself to care
You know you'll spend the night here
Maybe someone will find you
Maybe not
But at least this time
You can go to sleep knowing you were happy
If only for a little bit

This is a constant wave
Up and down
I think everyone here is starting to hate me
And for once I care a little bit
I think I do anyway
That's not important
I think I've spent to much time with these people
Too many dinners and movie nights
Too many tired jokes
Too many slip ups of the act
So now that I think they saw me
I think they are tired of me
One even admitted it
And now I don't know how to feel

It's been a long time
since I've been this tired
a tired not drawn from living life day to day
but one drawn from living life to the fullest
a willing tiredness
one where you so desperately want to go to sleep
so you can wake up and experience everything new
a tired where you welcome sleep
a tired...
a happy tired

Let us go then
So many good times
I feel bad times
I think I'm feeling wrong
You are such a good friend
I'm moving out
And I'm worried about what will happen then
I'm not sure why you exactly spend so much time in my room
Everything is turning into that vague unknowingness
the one that drives me crazy
because nothing is ever definite
welcome to the haze
a heavy wet fog
drives me crazy
every time

Big surprise
Most people here have depression
Kinda expected in a place like this
People are so much smarter than me
They still all have reasons
Things that happened
That made them the way they are
I still don't
I still am just as bad as some of them
for no reason whatsoever
I hate this so much
to much
to ******* much

Around the room
the questions flow
a funny game
with a ***** undertone
we all tell our stories
and our experiences
I didn't have a lot to tell
but knowing that everyone has lived so much more
just reminds me what I could've been

Yes yes let the crowd go
A festival to celebrate some heritage
Something I'm not really sure of
Spilt the audience
By twos and threes
The people walking by
Freer than a prisoner
Recently released
Oh don't ask
let us continue on
The music flows into the crowd
Swaying back and forth
A fake cover
Silences the crowd
In our drunken stupor
We look at the stars
And fall into each others arms
And only recognize our collect glazed vision

It's only after the drinks are flowing
And the conversation is going
God I'm alone
These people are my friends
But **** do I feel alone
I see the stars
And I feel alone
I look at the world through my camera
And am never the subject
I am so ******* alone

The noose of ego hangs around my neck
Tied to a stone of despair
Thinking I can do something I can't
And the rock rolls off the wicked hills
Of drugs and liquor
weighing me down
Until the illicit substances take hold
And I can fly for a few hours
But when the sun is reflected into my window
And my alarm bleats out its melody
I wake up with the noose a bit tighter
And the rock a bit bigger
I know the story of Icarus
And I'm scared about what will happen
When the rock is to heavy

Everything has a double meaning
Double entendres
I believe it's called
But are we playing that game?
Are we being perfectly honest with you each other?
Or are you just being cordial?
Maybe we are both playing the game...
horrible sport at that
Never been one to lie to get them to like me
No I'm an old school basterd
I prefer Chess
All the pieces there can only move how you tell them
So are we playing a game?
Or did I already lose?

I should have done a lot of things today
I should have enjoyed myself
I should have been happy with the time I spent with friends
I should have said something to you
I should have given you this stupid stuffed animal
I should have been faster in my thoughts
I did a lot of things I shouldn't do
I shouldn't have been looking for you
I shouldn't have  looked into your eyes and fallen in love
I shouldn't have spent the rest of the day looking for you
I shouldn't have lived my life like this for the years I have
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry

I've had a voice in my head
telling me
To **** myself
All day

Ironic isn't it
The eyes looking back today
We're the same eyes I hate to look at
Ones filled with anger
With a hatred for those living
Harsh eyes
The smooth lines sharpening
The bags growing just a bit darker
More pronounced
The scowl slowly becoming permanent
I can't even say I wish this would stop
Because I didn't see it until the gallows
We're upon me
The noose drawn around my neck
You never notice the things you wish you never did
Until it's far to late
To even wish to change them

Kings and paupers
Share this heavenly roof
Able to come together in a commonplace rarity
I can see the scorned lovers looking at eachother
(We said we wouldn't make fun of you till later)
My tolerance is very low
Too many drugs not enough *****
I'm scared of the stories I read online
About demons and monsters
Taking me while I sleep
Because than I won't be able to finish the dreams
That I really want to see the end too

The scenes you'd never think you'd see
Even in a thousand lifetimes
The closest friends I have in this new place
Sobbing in their room
This wasn't supposed to be how tonight went
I was supposed to be the one sitting in the chair
Chest silently heaving, tears burning my face
I say it's going to okay
I've been there, I know what it's like
I say the same things they said to me
To make me feel better
Even though their words never worked
I feel so bad for them
They are such good people
That life just decided to ***** over
I'll do everything I can to comfort them
And walk strong with them in the morning
Survivors of this horrible night

smog ridden bile is thrown against the panes
sickly yellow lights illuminate the sinister outlines of innocent shapes
misanthropic ideals are whispered in the night
pull up your collar and continue on
squeeze my hand and follow me
breath the acrid air and feel your lungs scream
anything to follow me

the beach screams obscenities to the stars
and they stare in an apathetic silence
as we stumble along the beach
hand in hand for what always feels like the last first time
cough and moan your tears away
shake your fist to the heavens
and follow me

the car rides have become seemingly infinite
with silence roaring in the darkness
the intrepid darkness
dancing at the edges of the headlights
illuminating your coat
as you walk away
leaving me alone
with the feeling of your hand in mine

What does it mean to you?
An aperture is the greatest thing in the world
it lets us take a moment of time
and forever remember it
a soft click
and the looks on the faces
the lack of good graces
forever carried through
that small metal eye
It saved me
that it did
because know it gave me
the one thing i wanted more than anything else
a picture were you wern't happy

I told You not to read these anymore
(I did do that didn't I?)
I'm not sure what you are going through
I just know I'm trusting you with a lot here
You have something of mine that I didn't know
That I never dreamed of having
And it's young and new
Please don't **** it before it can live
I'm real messed up too
So many lies and manipulations
I begin to forgot that there was a real me
There was a real me wasn't there?
Some sick part of me wants this to end badly
That you will say you are just to nice a guy
I don't want to hurt you
So I can write about the injustice of the universe
That good guy that was to good
It's pathetic
But maybe the dark parts that molded me into that decision
Are no longer heard
Maybe I just want to be happy
Maybe the thought of you saying that is so much worse than I would've thought
That maybe trusting someone on a glass heart wasn't a good idea
Some genius I turned out to be

The flowers all around us
Whisper of the spring
I can't believe
I already forget what I know
Though we just met for moments
What we had, spread like a flame
I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of
Smothering the kindling
Or being left out in the rain

no no no
please come back
you were different this time
I could see the future and we were so happy
I fell in love with you the second i saw you
you were everything I ever wanted
but you are gone now
and this time forever
how did the saying go?
Never fall in love with your dream  girl
Or never fall in love with a girl in your dreams

A masquerade of itself
a shadow of the life it represented
thats what this party is
inborn laziness
say goodbye to everyone you knew
and hello to the reflection you avoided
hanging a mirror i can see from my bed
perhaps not the best idea
a party to allow nothing to happen
slow down? slow down, eh?
lifes to slow
i want to speed up
when the night is young
and the sun wants to rise
who wins between responsibility
and making a fool of myself

Incomprehensible nothingness
Work work work
Sleep badly, and then work again
Faster and faster
Wrack your body with a shallow cough
That comes from years of smoking
And working to fast
Your liver will be awkwardly felt
And your head will be down
Not looking toward the end
The end, the end!
We've accepted our end
And it's the before we can't stand
Wasting away in a concrete jail
Being part of it all man!
The self proclaimed enlightened will spew
While smoking dope and drinking beer
And the people that know his words
Shake their heads and take the cowards way out

When did this beautiful life suddenly get so beautifully complicated

Sometimes its in the eyes of people you meet
Just a small spark in their eye
or maybe the way the walk while being relaxed
something about them lets you know
that they are done
these people are completely and utterly done
too many bad days at work
too many broken hearts
not enough of the things that keep them going
and yeah maybe I've been struggling a bit these last few months
(its funny how I put weeks and years in for months and all are right)
What with you being in my life, and school really doing its best to knock me down
but...
but that shouldn't have been enough to give me that look
I'm not done
I can't be

Why can't I remember what your face looks like

I hope it's beautiful where you are
That you can look up at the sky and not worry
These are trying times
And someone like you doesn't deserve that
You deserve the world at its best
What a rotten gift
Atop this blue marble
One of us sits and writes these words
And the other lays and reads
Seperated by a duty to betterment
Promises that a different man made
I hope you can look at the moon
And know I'm looking too
I hope you can feel this cool winter air
And know I'm shivering too
I hope you know that I'm missing you
And I hope that you are missing me

Break the plaster hand of fate
Reality crashing around
Dodging a boulder like slowness
Let the cheap thrills flow
Feel something give the old engine a boot
Throb the heart
Thorny blood flowing through acrid joints
Feel the weightlessness
Of the lead sky
Scream that you aren't a puppet
That you can do it
You won again
Didn't you?

gibbous moons
cycling through
fluorescent streaks of copper
filling the sky
exploding bones
caught within degenerating muscles

feel the sunrise move
up your body
the golden ichor
pumping through you

lights shadow in the night
still images of a different life
feel the cells tear apart
and the soul
molds into the background

Hey
I came home for a weekend
Took long enough right?
I just went into my bedroom
After spending the night with the family
Last time I slept here it was with you
Your hair was still in the sink
All the tell tail signs of our lazy day in bed
Just starting at me
And as I was cleaning it all up
It struck me why you texted me a few weeks ago
I know you probably don't read this anymore
But I think you are miserable enough now
And I'm sorry for everything
And that you couldn't sleep here one more time

It's only now
After a party
After making new friends
Looking at the wall of windows
The veiw being an industrial park
Eating stale ramen
The typical college experience
It's only now
After having to be the most normal
Do I have to grip the reality
That I'm not struggling with trying to be
The man I always wanted
But I'm struggling with the man
Who got everything his heart desired
Barring the obvious
Always barring the obvious

This isn't for you any longer
and I need you to understand that
this is no longer for you
these words served their purpose
and for the time they did
you weren't a part of my life
but now that you are
these words are still here
they just no longer want to talk about you
they no longer whisper to me about you
they no longer need you
now?
they need to describe something new

sincerely,
to you

Higher than a kite
Like that Elton John song you like
*******
Now that that's out of the way
I feel so happy for once
I could get used to it
I need to find a replacement
Somone
Or something
To make me care
Whatever you are
Thank you

With the worms piled on the sidewalks
Like so many fetid bodies
Strewn like toys along the beach
These rainy days are becoming commonplace
In this new mythos
These pills are slowly taking hold
And the only time I feel sad
And the only time I feel alive
Is when the drinks are flowing down
My parchment throat
And here I am
Sad and alive
Writing away these words into the night
Hoping
Even though that died long ago
That someone can read these words
And say it'll be okay

There's a bluebird in me
He drowns in my left ventricle
Shots of liquor and stories
After I shout at him to be quiet for one more evening
Let my hands dance across what they may
The paper, the keys, the strings, the body
I hush him when he whimpers
Telling him tomorrow he can breath
He wants to get out

I talk to him when he flutters
I ask if he wants this to end
Sure things are bad
He can’t sleep as the frogs croak in my throat
And the violinist plays my intestine strings
But I glare at him
Telling him he wants to give up the good times
Accusing him
What about the smiles on our friend's faces?
What about being real to us?
What about the success we’ve made soaked with our whiskey-stained tears?
He wants to get out

When it's late, I let him out
There is no shortage of alone time with him
He never feels lonely in our tango
I let him fly around my room as I toss and turn
We watch the lights of the parking lot fly across the walls
Looking at the designs our blindness gives us
Can we find a story on those walls?
A phrase, an idea
We often go to bed tired and wake up so
With the lights giving us nothing
He wants to get out

I whisper to him that he is right
Neither of us believes me
But he will always be trapped in my heart
And he can’t ****** me to change
The lights are telling us a story of a bird
Trapped in a cage.
We won’t talk about who it is
But they want to get out

Theres something so beautifully sad
in having a book by the one and only Bobby fisher
teaching you how to play chess
just laying on the bed, open
yet never having won a game

There's something so beautifully sad
in having a guitar, all tuned and ready to play
leaning on my legs
despite the fact that I've
never so much as strummed a chord

There's something so beautifully sad
in listening to vinyl
becuase even though it does sound better
you only listen to a small collection
of people that you listened to not on vinyl

There's something so beautifully sad
with drinking away into the night
becuase when they say you've had enough
and then you stumble and drain another can
Thinking that no one noticed

There's something so beautifully sad
about the man who calls himself an artist
yet can't make art of any kind
and has to drink, even if it was only once
in order to make anything ever again

No i understand
I know when I've been beat
Wiping my own ***** off you floor
You are holding my shoes because i forgot them there last night
I messed up
Ol fat kid cant quite handle the ***** as well as he thought
I'm not sure which is sadder
That i tried to clean it up last night and missed so much
Or that I desperately want you to forgive me

**** i need a drink
i need to just forget everything that happened these last three weeks
i really thought we had something
i'll tell other people drunk out of my mind
but she was just too out of my league
she was too beautiful for her own good
and well, i'm me
i'll sit there and sway and slur about how unfair it all is
but the reality is
i'm just glad that know i can be ashamed of my drinking
instead of how i ****** up with you

the best part is that you didn't even do anything wrong
and either did i
no, we just drifted apart
i'll say after another drink
but we both know its because i'm ******* crazy
i'm weird and fat and depressed
and you are a beautiful girl
who i could never even hope
would feel the same way about me
because those things don't happen to me
because i'm me
so i'll drink away my liver
just anything to stop feeling this ******* pain in my heart
i didn't even like you
you just made me feel like maybe i could be normal
and i hate you for that
i hate you for not doing anything wrong

and i hate myself for ever blaming you

Once in a blue moon, full moon
Round and blank
Two blue moons
looking into mine
Full moons
of a timed past
blue moon, full moon
rarer than gold
a smile across the surface
makes finding the blue moon, full moon
all the more worth it

Watch the bonfire drown to nothing
in the ink like solidity of the night
to much to care
to build it back up
lets go swimming
drink the waters problems away
its raining just a little bit
its not tears, i promise
swim into the false moons reflection
hold each other tight
as the new dawn is born
push each other away
and drown in the absence

Been struggling a lot lately
not really sure why
I stopped drinking
Just switching vices I suppose
I've been sleeping a lot
too bored to really do anything else
been thinking about you too
everything that happened
I'm still going to New York
that never changed
that will never change
you didn't have to break my trust you know?
you could have done anything but that

The world is turning
Three exact copies
Merging in and out of existence
this was supposed to be the good stuff
i can feel it rotting in my gut
a burning napalmy rolling
every copy is exact
in its differences
my eyes glaze over the already glazed view
I don't think I saw you
theres always tomorrow
another bottle
another way to cure the hangover
a self fulfilling prophecy
the sickness is the cure