My hands are dry
Cracked from years of nothing
I just wanted to hold your hand
Map the world in your callouses
I'm lonely
And I think I need to admit that
I'm so ******* ready to admit it
If everything dies alone
Do we die by ourselves
Or de we do to be alone?
What does that mean to me...
Is living just a waiting time until we can be alone
Do the people that are never alone crave death
Do the people that never experience love
Cling to life
Perhaps to spite
Perhaps to hope

nature is grey
The old ways are still here
And grey is the color we should see
But we hate ourselves
And can't get enough of our hatred
So we turned the world into black and white
And they hate everyone who isn't them
But we are all the same
We are al born
And we all die
Everything else that's in between is pointless
But people will still die for it
We hate living
We just want to let go

Christ
What time is it?
Past 2 again
****, I really need to get some sleep
I have to get up early
But everything we've ever said
What am I saying?
I've known you less than a week
I've talked to you for less
I hate myself for doing this
Sometimes i feel like im just doing it on purpose at this point
******* up my life
Causing me to hate myself
Its important this time though
At least thats what I've been told
Theres too many things that can go right
And thats what makes staying up so hard
My genie is gone
My well run dry
I'm alone on this one
And I think I'm doing well
It's almost three now...

Once in a blue moon, full moon
Round and blank
Two blue moons
looking into mine
Full moons
of a timed past
blue moon, full moon
rarer than gold
a smile across the surface
makes finding the blue moon, full moon
all the more worth it

Destroy the barriers you out in place
to become free
destruction allows you to create more
and creation allows you to destroy more
infinite spirals fill the night sky
our brains are star maps of the universe
god killed himself and put himself into us
and all psychologist talk about a separation
between who you are and who people know you to be
destroy the wall between those two
and create something god would be proud of
and so we can come together as a species
and envelop existence

You have the most disturbing eyes I've ever seen
across the room
across the world
eyes illuminated by only the lamp
and the screen
you look me dead in the eye
and you scare me
the intense you give me
I barely hear the words
you look into me
to far
too ******* far
this isn't like the rest
stupid infatuation
this is fear
I'm afraid of you
and I don't know why

in the concrete jungle
you never know when you can trust someone
here in the buildings
trust them enough to talk to them
the real buildings
talk to them about why it all hurts
in the empty buildings
friends are made
in the empty room
dreams are crushed
next to the empty couch
the sad life continues
in front of the great view
the sad life continues

sometimes life is a note left on the mirror
saying sorry I had to run
there were some last minute errands to come up
and you tear the note up
take out all the anger you have for the leaver
and then when you are done
you take the pieces and put them back together
and put in back on the mirror
and when that day runs late
and they still aren't back
you take the note with you
to do the errands

Vaudevillian foes
Basking in the light of deceit
You shouldn't play with peoples hearts like that
You don't know what you've done
And while most was behind closed doors
I was there when it wasn't
And I stayed blue and true
And loyalty flowed from my broken body
Like blood, as I looked at you
And now that everything is said and done
I am the bad guy
For helping a friend

Roiling hills
/
Studded with concrete leviathans
/
carrying us to and fro
/
across this scarred earth
/
Fly by on this sunny day
/
Long ago memories
/
Of times that never were
/
History staring at or faces
/
But relegated to the back corner
/
Repetition is the word of the world
/
Destroy and build
/
Build and destroy
/
Wasting away our precious little time
/
To have something after we go
/
But time withers all away
/
And to many of us
/
Are lost to the ending

lost from the albums
of but what about
or but they are
or they aren't so
hidden in the city's newfound mist
lie the secrets to the happiness you always wanted
creatures in the dark
blindly searching for the next
struggling to recall your face
and the feel of your hand in mine
its going to be a cold night
and this fog is suffocating the life from this city

I have to ask how. Walking through the motions of another day. Something not right caught my eye. The death has been creeping along the face of the world. So why would a window be open? It's smaller than nothing out there. Anything left to live is slowly breathing it's last breath. Such is winter. She gives you opportunity. Life is sacred then. So when the frame passed my head, and the shadows flew threw the air, no hope was left in sight, until my past cuaght me up, and I found the ground with both legs this time.

no no no
please come back
you were different this time
I could see the future and we were so happy
I fell in love with you the second i saw you
you were everything I ever wanted
but you are gone now
and this time forever
how did the saying go?
Never fall in love with your dream  girl
Or never fall in love with a girl in your dreams

I hate this
The pills aren't working
And maybe it's because I'm drunk
But I think I hate everyone
Especially you
And these pills need to kick in
I can't stand this anymore

Red river lights flow
The tail-ends of conversation driving away
None of us really knew why we went to the roof
the parking garage always seemed to loom over us
we were all having a rough few weeks
we all got pretty sick
physically and not just mentally
we were felling better
so we took a walk
and so there we lay
staring off into the lights of the city
the others with me love each other
they sit next to me stealing glances
both to worried to talk about the past
too caught up in the present to know the future
we caught our breath on the roof
our worries were put on hold
as the blood light of the city
flowed on by

I promised myself I wouldn't do this again
I really did this time
you were different than everyone else
we were friends for what felt like forever
and I kinda fell for you hard
and now everything is just off
everything is put through a new light
and I'm kinda stuck floundering here
because I know what I'm doing is self-destructive
but I really don't know how to feel about any of this
because I am too stunted in experiences
to properly handle things like this

This is the natural born hero
With sins inside his own head
To much of a hero to let them out
To much of a martyr to not let people now
A sad life
A sad excuse for living
That's all I am
An excuse for sadness

I think this has to be some sort of test
everyone in the family has to do well
its idiotic to say
but our lives are decided by this test
(and every test from now)
but thats the price to pay for being in the family
the constant thrill of almost being kicked out
the nights spent reading, studying the details of life
how we are supposed to work
and the part that applies infinitely more to the real world
how we aren't supposed to live
that a grain of salt in the wrong place
can cause the happiest of people to **** themselves
that the smallest nerve out of place
ends the careers of gods
we are supposed to know how to help those unfortunate souls
whose luck has run out
we are so lucky to be able to help them
until our luck runs out

Something new in this old heart beating
Passing the test roughed out before
Drunken talks of how it'll all end
Pressing for information in this subtle game
Words carrying all the weight they are supposed to
Something fills this old heart anew
Something not expected to be felt for a long time

Fractured shards of a blank mind
Never a true identity
Words fly through these holy nights
And the smallest things change it all

A whispered conversation
A common motif these long nights
Never reaching anything
Always falling short of our ideals

That's the plague of who we are
Insomniac nights have a
Limit to just how much you
Dream another dream

So we limit ourselves now
And we can never truly fail
The gross lie is continued
Our potential is never reached

The cages we build inside
Are a foreign comfort today
And we can fail so much more now
As our effort was not full

i dont want to do this anymore
i know that has multiple meanings
but i dont want to be here in college
surrounded by these people
i thought you could only drown in water
or depression
but you can drown in concrete too
people smothering you as you try and wake up
please wake up
i dont want to be in this nightmare anymore

when did the stars
become brighter than your eyes
was it when you stopped laughing
or when you stopped looking me in the eye
the city we breath
makes the stars so dim
so what happened to you?

History flows throw acrid veins
To cause one more beat
Of the bleadings heart
Bleating heart
Rise and fall
Of iron walls
Inside the cities we build
Skulls of darkness
Cries for help
Yelled into full moon nights
Are pointless
When the moon refuses to listen
Thinly veiled words of acid
Meant to destroy
But nothing is enough
And the wallls stand strong
And Rome still stands
And the Turks still stand
And England still stands
And we still stand
We all still stand
On the cliffs of our ego

Remember the last time
remember when you were comfortable in silence
when you didn't feel the need to fill the void
remember when someone talked to you first
instead of you making the plans
remember the last time you slept the full six hours
instead of waking up every few hours
remember when you said you loved it here?
remember when you said you loved her?
remember when she broke your heart?
remember when you thought you found here,
the real her this time?
remember when you promised you wouldn't get depressed again?
remember making all these promises?
I do
and I remember breaking every single on of them

Everybody hurts
Like in that johnny cash song
Everybody hurts
But no one wants to admit it
Pain and living are one
Breathing in
Glass shards
With every breath
Feel the needle
Pierce you skin
Get high get high
So you can be the cool kid on the block
Write away your youth
Your to ******* lazy to commit
To anything
Higher and higher
To the start

Why is it that when the call ends
my mind is always blank
I can think of a thousand words
I'd like to immortalize you with
Some legacy to leave behind on this rock
But every time I'm close
to finishing the next line
The first line
It never has been good enough
Call me a writer right?
That means nothing to the one
who can't form a sentence of comfort
for fear of the truth falling out

I'm going to be stuck here for a long time
I gave up a lot to make others happy
I spent my happiness when I didn't have any to spend
I wanted to travel the world
To spend nights curled up
Next to a roaring fire and you
And watch the stars move over head
Nothing on my mind but the dull glow
Of the cheap cinnamon whiskey
But I don't think that can happen now
I can't go more than a few minutes
With life catching up
All the things I gave up
I thought it was for so much more
The path I carved in my life
The oaths I promised to my darkest parts
The dreams that kept me going
You were only ever supposed to be dreams
So why is it so hard to say goodbye

so this is it i suppose
what everything in my life has been leading to
a perfect day
honestly exceeding even my wildest dreams
so why am i still up
at 4 A.M.
thinking about were it all went wrong
i met my future classmates
i was the life of the conversation
every witty comment
thrown in at just the right time
i have girls
plural
that want to talk to me
or at least they seem to want to
so why is it
that when everything is all coming together
im feeling like everything is spiraling out of control
rapidly dying in the new days glow
i close my eyes hoping
against all hope
that those horrid problems from my past
aren't resurfacing
and that im just tired
and i mean it this time
please just let me sleep

This isn't real
Eyes opening in the dark
Shadows on the cave wall
Showing you silent films
Of how two people
Who constantly hurt eachother
Can still be deeply in love
Or how people
Can just up and end themselves
When they where the happiest they've ever been
How people
Can be so blind
To the things they think are happening
When the fire goes out
And you throw your hand out
To get that reassurance that you are real
In this stunning new darkness
Is to be human

He can't quite remember when he last slept well
Sure he gets a few precious hours a night
Fretful in all but action
They called him pensive today
He isn't really sure why that means something
Why that one comment made him feel so sad
He knows that it's getting late
Later than he normally goes
He knows he's probably too late
And not just for the night
He sighs, closing the blank screen
Always another night he says
Crawling into the bed, and turning of the lights
He doesn't realize that he is missing something
Something that would give him so much to write about

It was never enough for you was it?
All the time I gave for you to love me
The long nights where whispered in my ear
That it will all be worth it
That you will be happy if I just give you more
More, more, more
You promised it would be worth it all
Time was the price to pay for a brighter tomorrow
On the eves of trials
you told me I was worthless without you
That I was always destined to fail
That I was but a spec in the uncaring god that you were
That you had others, people you didn't hate
But I have to tell you know
I don't need you
My future is mine to decide
for rags or riches
I'm done with you

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done
I whispered into the night
I never thought my life would turn out like this
I told the darkness enveloping me
I...I just wanted to be happy
I whispered as the darkness blanketed me
Was everything I've done, everything I've written
Worth nothing the end?
I thought as the blissful feeling on nonexistence washed over me
giving some respite until sleep becomes a sickness
and waking becomes the cure

Why am I thinking about you now
It's been awhile since we've even seen each other
I remember the night when I first loved you
Someone couldn't handle their drinks
And we had to clean up after them
(Christ I miss him)
And when you bent down
The moonlight hit your hair
And you looked me in the eye
And that's when I knew things were different
I don't think I can ever forget that night
Just like I can't forget the night
Where I realized I hated you
Worked half to death
Another exam coming up
You used me
You were always using me
And I was to stupidly infatuated
The look in your eyes
I was scared once
Now?
I can't even bring myself to look at them

"I'm back,"
I whispered into the night
I lost myself
What was important to me before?
Not what I've been doing
To fake, to real
When everything changed to quickly
The only remedy for a broken heart
Was to fall in love
And continue the never ending cycle
When life moved to slow
and the mind races to fast
boredom with the interesting things
thoughts that wouldn't seem to fade
"I'm back,"
I whispered into the wall
drifting off to sleep
getting over a new sickness
and shedding off a new one
I lost something this summer
something I don't think I can ever get back
All I can do is move on
And promise to myself to never let the sickness back
I need to get the help I always needed

I'm back,
The real me this time
and for once, I am here to stay

I need help
Those thoughts that you aren't supposed to have
The ones they give you pills for
Are starting up
And sometimes I find myself listening
And I'm scared I'm spiraling out of control
I'm scared of being alone
I'm scared of being alive
I've pushed everyone so far away that no one can tell there is a problem
They just see what I want them too
I'm too afraid of letting the world see me weak like this
I'm so afraid that I'm one bad day away from doing something I don't want
The episodes before this were few and far
Now I've never stopped having one
I've been felling this way for three months
I need help before its to late
I need to find you before its to late

I wish that every time I fell asleep it wasn't because I passed out from exhaustion . One night where I can lie on the dreamscape, turn the lights off, feel the gentle waves of sleep wash over me. But here I am. Everytime I close my eyes, lighting quick images, too many to focus on, in any single frame. Reliving the past in a moment, all the fears from the future. A blink of an eye, a new day. Too tired to function. The way I love it. Another blink, dreaming in the day. Of what is for now. Am I living a waking dream, everytime I blink? Or am I just yawning away my life, one hour of sleep less each time.

Here we are once again
the prodigal ******* son returns
these days were over
weren't they?
surrounded by people
huddled up in a corner
wrapped in on myself
to get any heat I possibly could
out of this rapidly failing body
I've reached the point in my life
where I'm not sure if this side of me
or the happy side of me
is the real one
To anyone
the happy side should be the real one
When I am the happiest
sometimes I find myself wishing I was here
where I am right now
Sometimes I need to let the darkness in the light
take me away for a little bit

Rocking back and forth
Feeling groovy all the way
Found the one
In my head
And going for it
Quit the drugs and *****
And still ain't sleeping well
But that's just normal
Going on and doing well
Sweat pouring from my brow
As hard work makes me happy
A man about to die of thirst
Found his oasis
It's all about living
And living well
Being happy
Because why not?
Because why not?

This is a constant wave
Up and down
I think everyone here is starting to hate me
And for once I care a little bit
I think I do anyway
That's not important
I think I've spent to much time with these people
Too many dinners and movie nights
Too many tired jokes
Too many slip ups of the act
So now that I think they saw me
I think they are tired of me
One even admitted it
And now I don't know how to feel

Drunk on the things that make life worth it
and maybe some alcohol too
you came into my life like a storm
and here is the eye
moments of clarity unclouded by you
make me remember who i was
how could i have been so sad all the time
how could i have forgot to live
you make me feel so alive
you brought me back from the brink

You all blend together
Later and later at night
All your faces melting into the void
I hate words like void
People read it and assume I'm a pretentious *******
Maybe I am
But the void is all around me
Drenched in my own failure
To even hold the conversation
Too caught up in my little persona
That I forgot to be a real person
I forgot to live again this year
And there is always next
I suppose
I feel like I'm running out of time to live
I'm young and stupid
I shouldn't feel the way I do
And that makes it so much worse

The air is saturated with an uneasy alliance
People stopped talking to everyone else
and everyone is splitting into groups
for better or worse
who is to say
The family is slowly falling apart
brothers against brothers
sisters against sisters
remember in the beginning?
when we all could stand each others company
yeah, maybe back then was full of heartbreak
but at least we could try and talk to fall in love
yeah, maybe we were all a little to fake back then
but that fear made us revealing ourselves so much more special
The family is slowly falling apart
And the ones like me are the only ones
Who dared to pick up the parts

You went home for the weekend
after the travesty that Thursday night was i cant really blame you
is the answer to my question on your mind?
i told you
out of everyone here
the one i was trying to protect was close to me
that he didn't want you to know that he's falling for you
hard
you asked me so many questions about him
and i answered half true every time
i still refuse to lie
you walked away angry and slightly disappointed
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you the one i was trying to protect
but i am close to me
and i think you know it was me
so you've gone home now
for a few days
i thought it'd be a nice break before you asked me
but now i'm on edge
i'm so ******* excited for what happens next
yes no
it never really mattered
just the fact that i tried
is close enough to good
so when i see you Monday
i'll continue this silly game
because it makes me smile
and i'm just delaying the inevitable

You are homesick
I'm sick of home
does that mean you'll hate me now?
did you hate me before?
Should i even care
i've never written about this
game theory
theory after ******* theory
i think everyone knows
they dont know the whole book
jokes on them its just the covers
there is nothing to read
i think everyone knows the covers
i couldn't tell you how i feel
really i couldn't
she makes me feel calm when she smiles
like its never going to be okay when she doesn't
you occupy my thoughts when your not there
im so worried for you
you are home sick
i never was one to believe in attachments
those two are unrelated
i dont think i like you
i think im attached to you
i think you calm the storm
i hate you for that
i hate you for making me like you
becuase im me
i hate me for not being able to tell you
i hate me for liking you
it never was your fault
its mine
its always mine
i just want you to be happy
thats a lie
i want to be happy with you
i cant remember the last time i held someones hand
no one has ever held me and said its going to be alright
no one has ever watched the stars at midnight with me
no one has inspired me more to write
no one has made me hate writing more
your special
i dont think you care for me at all

Flying over these peoples life's
Lights running like liquid gold
Across the cold shell that we made it to be
Rivers running like black blood
Through the artificial grounds
Those lights down there
Passing by thousands of lives
These lights are were everything has been made
All the first memories of love
All the happiness we feel
The days spent curled up with one another
The deaths of those before their time
The last goodbyes parting cracked lips
The salty bitter taste of tears gone bad
Lithe little lights running around
Carrying these memories around
High above the cloud tops
The little golden lights
Dancing in the fading eyes
Sleep now
Sleep to forgot

Washing down the anti-depressants
With alcohol
Even though the two counteract eachother
I feel as if there is some irony there
As I am about to blackout
And I can't see straight
I have to hide taking pills from almost everyone
They wouldn't understand

It's so hard to believe
that people are relieved
that the world is so cut and dry
and everyone thinks they know
what happens when we die
/
/ we're all nazis and ******
and pedophiles too
even if we never admit it
and we all think life is a stage
where we can all do our little bits
/
/ living day to day
with nothing on display
we can all go jump off a bridge
and have them argue at our funeral
over who gets the ******* fridge
/
/ there's a monster in all of us
waiting to be free
we're all villains at heart
with our banal little secrets
that only live in our heads
/
/ I try to write in a style
all good works are in
but everything I write makes bile
fill your ******* throats
just take look at this stanza
and tell me that I'm wrong
/
/ So lets all just sit back
and pretend its all okay
lets go out tonight and dance
and party the night away
so that we can all close our eyes
and just wait to ******* die

See know, thats the big secret
at the end of the day
we are all just a set of characters in a book
we share the same story as so many other people
too many others
so many that no building would be able to contain all of them
and when you see this secret
its not a big step to see how your story will end
so when you say these words
words that have been said with nothing but bad outcomes
I can't help but dread this time around

Okay so if I like ******* die right now
I'm sorry I disappointed you dad

Wallowing in the same old self pity I promised I locked away
The same rough language from back then
flowing like the torrential thoughts
I used to swear that somewhere under all this water
I would find myself
I'd get a find every so often
a new suit I could wear for a while before it no longer fit
maybe it was the way it dried
maybe it was because it just wasn't me
I stopped looking for anything in the water
Even if I were to exist in those murky depths
I don't think I would ever find anything than some old suit to try on