I guess what bothers me the most is just the waiting
waiting for it all the change.

I certainly have the power to make it all change
I just need the time.

I am leaving soon, and I'll have to say goodbye
to the only ones who acknowledged me.

I find myself dreading the days without them
those ones I call friends

I...I just want to wait a little longer
before I have to go.

Its much to hot for you here
Im sorry for that
you have to long to wait
till you'll bring back the cold
i love you
there is no doubt there
but i hate you when you leave
take me away
i feel the sun
beating down its hatred
i feel this rough paper
boiling hot in this arid day
i feel my pocket
empty
i cant trust myself with it
not in this heat
i look over this almost stagnent pond
this is what ive become
a wanderless vagabond
never letting go of the past
(she's not coming back)
saying i have to write
these verses that i hate
so i know that someones reading
even if its something
i didnt want to write

When did i first start to like you
we  met at orientation
for such a select program
the best of the state
i thought you not you
i thought you were one of the cool students
the center
but I started talking to you
and you were nice
and then we left each other
then i
I
I
I
contacted you
why I'm not sure
I kinda thought this would happen
but that is for later
it was casual convo
but you were already hurting me as much as everyone else did
that usually takes at least a month
but with you it was so much quicker
I'm not sure why
then we met again in person
I'm too nervous to talk to you for long
so it was infrequent
but then I realized I'm more sociable than you
I really hope thats true
so we slowly started hanging out more
this isn't some ****** love story
you are nervous for exams
I'm not
I'm joking around
because I'm an ******* like that
i say something to you
i just want you to ******* laugh again
and i never thought you'd get angry at me
you said its fine
but now that exams are coming
i cant talk to you until next week
and my ******* problems
wont le me sleep
i keep on thinking of you

Did God sit on these giant shale shelfs
Lining a gently flowing creek
Did God sit where I am
Feet dangling in the air
Barely touching the seemingly smooth surface
Did he know
That the creek is flowing fast
That's its just glass on the surface
Is that why God modeled life like that?
Giving the impression that everything is okay
While underneath you are always screaming at yourself
Did God sit here
And ask why his life is at the point it was?
Did he break off some rocks
And throw them
Just to smash the soft rock
Just to know he can change something
That he is important
He has some sort of power
Or did God casually sit here
Chewing on plant seeds
Knowing that even if he doesn't know
Everything that is going to happen
He can still get up tomorrow and face it

Some friends gone to mass
some gone to the gym
some out to hike
I told them I was sick
and that I couldn't go
A lie naturally
I think I need a break from this place
I think I need to stop writing for a while
I need to find you
I'm going to take a break now
Catch up on some sleep
Maybe even go on a hike
to everyone that has been reading
Thank you
I feel so much closer to finding you

Hark the herold's angels sing
glory to the new found king
of your own consciousness
let the ******* take over
and dream
dream something anything
for the love of god never stop dreaming

eldritch obscenities
thrown with reckless abandon into the cold night
left to fend for themselves
in a world of subtle normality

people want to control
and will find ways to do that
sure as the moon is real
and shines so brightly in our dreams

How readily one can push aside
the mere thoughts of great struggles
when someone else less deserving of them
is put on the line
When the trials begin to ramp up
and you don't think you can make it
I just want to be able to say
I stuck out a hand

I don't think you understand just how much it effects me
every wayward glance
every single ******* time you don't look me in the eye
every time you laugh
everyone says its not been long enough
even you did
can't i just be selfish for once
but thats not the issue
i'm running out of time
how long can i last here by myself
who will pull me back from the brink of madness this time
i hate the way i'm acting
i hate that i'm in this scenario
i hope to the nonexistent ******* god i pray to
that i can wake up tomorrow
and be able to do this all over again
not here
highschool
i'm so sorry gavin
they all ******* me up
every no was another nail in the coffin
i'm to ******* abnormal to even hope to be normal
and thats the ******* problem isn't it?
this was never about you and me
this was always about me just trying to fit in
im so lonely
im so ******* lonely
normal people dont get lonely
not for five years
five long years

Break the plaster hand of fate
Reality crashing around
Dodging a boulder like slowness
Let the cheap thrills flow
Feel something give the old engine a boot
Throb the heart
Thorny blood flowing through acrid joints
Feel the weightlessness
Of the lead sky
Scream that you aren't a puppet
That you can do it
You won again
Didn't you?

Life is certainly better now that i've left for college
I havnt woken up or falling asleep sobbing since i got here
The girl(s) i like only play mind games that make me question everything
only sometimes
I havnt stopped writing like i thought i would though
Thats very distressing
My classes seem to be going easier then they were a few weeks ago
I think im going to not get good grades this time either
But things are certainly different
sometimes i actually believe peoples smiles are sincere for once
sometimes i think these people actually like me
sometimes i dont hate myself
there is even another writer here
maybe i'll get to know him
did i say im getting better or life is?
because im not getting better
no, just the circumstances have changed
thank god for distractions

Withered faces lined in a truthful glee
Line the stools of this flowing bar
calcium etched hands stretch out towards me
specters of the past pulling me back so far
drinking all my sins away
and I really have to go
even though they insist that I stay
and so the drinks will flow
until the evening dawn wanes
and all the past will go
those faces leave those window panes
while me body, my body rises with a vigor much to slow

Particularly lucid moments
In an otherwise flash junk mind
Reminds me that this ship
Though full of holes
Can still float
And the good times can come
With the beach and the sand
And though the fogs on the horizon
(With hope filling that's were it will stay)
We dance and drink the night away

when the only dreams you have betray you
sleep is no longer the safe haven it was supposed to be
what can one do in the night
fitfully lie there
the pillows are not quite comfortable enough
the blankets just a tad too thick
our situation just a touch too unfamiliar
i didn't dream last night, i always assumed i would
no dream is better than bad dreams
no answer is worse than a bad one

I told You not to read these anymore
(I did do that didn't I?)
I'm not sure what you are going through
I just know I'm trusting you with a lot here
You have something of mine that I didn't know
That I never dreamed of having
And it's young and new
Please don't **** it before it can live
I'm real messed up too
So many lies and manipulations
I begin to forgot that there was a real me
There was a real me wasn't there?
Some sick part of me wants this to end badly
That you will say you are just to nice a guy
I don't want to hurt you
So I can write about the injustice of the universe
That good guy that was to good
It's pathetic
But maybe the dark parts that molded me into that decision
Are no longer heard
Maybe I just want to be happy
Maybe the thought of you saying that is so much worse than I would've thought
That maybe trusting someone on a glass heart wasn't a good idea
Some genius I turned out to be

its kinda funny
to me at least
I've started too many works in the last hour
and i get halfway through
and i delete all of it
i refuse to even write something similar to it
I've never done that before
its always been wright it down and then never change it
but you need such high quality works
i need to describe it better
its never good enough
its never been about you
its never been about my happiness
it has always been about writing the best works

I'm a monster
Someone who can't recognize their reflection
I'm a horrible person
Who lies and manipulates everyone
I can't stand being like this
So ******* happy
I'm ruining people's lives
I'm hurting people
And it's the only time I remember feeling happy
So what if yeah deserved it
Who long until the people I hurt don't?
How long until someone innocent falls prey
How long can I keep doing this
Until I destroy myself

I can't honestly say I know what to do now
I feel like I've woken from a dream
And I thought that what I was feeling was happiness
I'm stuck right now
In a state of grey amalgamation
Different parts of me fighting for control
But this was about you wasn't it
But I made this about me
And that's the only thing I know how to do
I don't know how to make you happy
I don't know how to make me happy
I'm sos sorry

A minute away
is all it takes to make me crazy
a minute away
maybe you are out having fun
a room away
i like you all
a room away
take it slow
a campus away
i was never wrong
a campus away
i never wished to be this right
a couch away
you let her control you
a couch away
she wears you like a ring
a  night away
maybe ill tell you tomorrow
a night away
maybe i wont dream about you tonight
so this is the golden years
gilded *******
i hate this fake ****
its too early to fall asleep
and to late to stay awake

The more sober I'm not

The colder my body feels

To aware to know that I can't go

And get more blankets

But not aware enough to think of a better idea

The only things stopping the cold from taking me

The warm glow of the screen in front of me

One of my best friends in my darkest rooms

You gave me the outlet to see the new world

And I gave you my memories and words

You caused me to be cold

You let me

It's all my fault

I hate you

Because I hate me

You just couldn't let me go one night without seeing her picture, her new boyfriend, her awkward smile because she never loved him like she did me, but you made my heart cold and my head dumb and it's all my fault and I miss you and I messed up, so badly.

I love you so much


Because you loved me back

Drunken revelry palgued by inconsistencies
Thoughts of medication
Dreams of ending
He is so scared to accept the fact that it might be over
A simple pill every day
Every hour
Every minute
He doesn't care as long as he gets better
Deattached from himself
Fronting the faces
He can't see himself in mirrors
Fitting for a late October night
Trees are dying early
Cold seeps into his heart
He hopes that the doctors are right
That he can make it through this winter
And start his life anew
He wants nothing more than to be happy
He knows he is holding himself back
Addiction to a mental disorder
Can't imagine living any other way
Colder and colder at night
Slowly losing feeling
The slow death creeps forward

It's when the air left my lungs
And I had trouble bringing it back
Sitting in a room full of friends
Nearly passing out on the couch
And I actually didn't know
If I was going to wake up this time
Fighting for one more breath
I didn't want to die
Which is not a common thought
For someone like me
But more than that
I wanted to be happy
And when I felt one more breath fill
My weary lungs
I thought of all the little things
That I never got to do
That would have made me happy
And as the room swam around me
I realized that none of this things
Would have made me any happier
The only way to be happier
Is to just try and be happy
So goodbye
And thank you

When the shock brings you back from the dead
and when you can't stand me anymore
when you scream you hate me and don't want to do this anymore
remember days like today
remember how we didn't worry
how we were happy
that although we can't be close
we can still be close
that even though we can't be happy
we can try
remember when you heart stops
that we knew this was coming
and then we did everything we could

Waving goodbye
Walking away from another night
I won't see you for a long time
Going across the states you are
Away from this little dreary town
When you come back everything will be better
We can carry on being happy
Until then

My God, what have I become
Willow tree walking around
Doing what's expected of me
I feel my body failing me
Like it wants me to let go
But I just want to be happy
And I'm not happy
And I don't know why
My God, what have I become
I told on someone for cheating
Because I value the truth
And now I have a target on my back
I can't stop lying to myself
And I don't know why I dreamed
About the creature in my room
But I turned my back
Because I'm too tired to care
I wake up tired
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I just want some ******* sleep
I don't even want to dream
Please just let me blackout for a few hours
I can barely keep my eyes open
I just want to sleep
Please

Inside every knight is a man
who just wants to go home and see his wife
who wants to teach his kids to be happy
Inside every knight
Is a man who is unsure of himself
who is worried about an enemy finding the weak spots in his armor
Inside every knight
Is a weak man
weary and beaten down
A man who only wants to watch the stars
And whisper sweet goodbyes to his love
Inside every night
Is a man who uses the darkness as a shield
To live and be free from his knights armor

Allow the things that set you free
The drinks, the dreams, the people
Let them become your prison
Listen to the words of the rivers
The sayings of the trees
What does the wind whisper to you?
When was the last time you were alone
Free from every expectations barring your own
There was a whole world to see wasn't there?
Just you and me too see the world
New York to Australia
The definition of a city
The brink of the modern world
We where meant to be happy together
But neither of us were free from our expectations
Now that I've done everything we wanted
(it was always my idea wasn't it?)
I can't help but hope
That you are still around
when i get back from the brink

Carrying on and drudging on
Drowning in the lake that is now life
Semi-inflatable hair brained schemes
drowning without them
but only delaying the inevitable now
slowly letting out the air
night dawns on today's death
filling with ink webbing across the sky
blotting out the stars
snuffing the young flames before they really had a chance to burn
and as the dark wind howls across the ocean
a pious silence fills the sky

The cups falls
pouring the saved contents abound
another mess for someone else to clean up
I'm not sure what happened
more than the normal amount this time
I can't really say I know what to do
this is different than the last time
I didn't make it happen this time
Out of the fog the inky words crept
across the land
I don't know what to do at this point
I never know what to do at this point

All along the eastern shore
Sand crashes along the ground
We spent too much time here
This was our retreat, our everything
Sandcastles in the rain
destined to fall before it was stand
time meant nothing for us
as every drop of water to the thirsty man
is like a waterfall to the full
as long as we had each other
we were so full of ourselves
thinking this world was only for us
that we were the king and queen
instead of the pauper and the ragged
we fell from the graces of a just god
we can barely remember those times
our castle in they sky

I used to stay up at night a lot
Wondering if all the people
Who knew about this
And who I am
In real life
Still read this
And know what I've become
But tonight
I'm wondering why I cared so much
In the first place

The flowers all around us
Whisper of the spring
I can't believe
I already forget what I know
Though we just met for moments
What we had, spread like a flame
I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of
Smothering the kindling
Or being left out in the rain

Let the rain fall in the dry city
Although it never seems to impede the blood that flows
This place is alive
These grounds have a life to them
The whispers of the statues at night
The creaking of the newly planted trees unsure of themselves
The sidewalks, the old buildings, even some of the faculty
they are the most alive parts of this place
The lifeblood left as a memento to the newest generation
At night the campus is alive with stillness
With an overwhelming quietness that ***** you in
At night everyone is gone
And its just you, the rain, and the streetlamps

All my journals
Filled with my words
Were the quilt that kept me warm
In those dark, dark nights
The friend who always listened
When no one else could
But life
And that basterd time
They kidnapped me
And as my head
was filled with a shadows web
Instead of water
The dust grew on my words
And I noticed
And I didn't want them to go
So I took them
And filled them with what I thought
Was the answer
I filled them with oil
Water doesn't help to get into college
And whether I was pushed or walked
Alone
I am at the top of the admissions list
But now
In the prime of the greatest challenge
My words found me
And they drowned me
So I read them
And they read me
And I can never let them go
As much as I want to

I'm trying to lay this out as clearly as possible
You are not acting like the you I know
Is it because of my stupid confession?
Or have you juts gotten tired of my *******?
You caused me to stay up late again
Thinking through all the what ifs
Please just laugh one more time

I am having a startling moment of clarity
One in which things are becoming abundantly clear
I am not happy
I have never been happy
Things just offer a temporary way to alleviate the boredom
I suppose maybe thats my problem
I'm doing everything I can to be happy while forgetting the important part
To be happy
I'm not sure where to go from here
All I know is that I don't really want to do this anymore

On the day I reached this milestone
I said I'd start looking to publish
But I was content knowing you were some of those views
And know that things are silent  between us
I can only care about you reading all these words again
And figuring out what I mean
when I write about you
I am tired already
But I know this is for the best
serious casual
I never knew what you meant by asking that
I wonder if I answered wrong
And thats why things happened the way they did

I'm afraid you think I've forgotten you
I really am busy
I kinda always planned for this
I should have told you
It's been a while since we've talked
I feel horrible
But of all the things to feel horrible about
This isn't really on the list
And that makes me feel worse
I'm sorry man
I'm so ******* sorry

Let the pitch black room comfort me
Another wasted semester
Spending too much wasted
And wasting away to much
All the talks didn't help
The pills never felt more *****
Even when they kick in
I don't recognize the man I've become
And the pills are making me sad
And the sadness makes me want more pills
And I need to get away
Stop swallowing these poison
I need to go to New York
And I need to find you

I hate writing. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that it makes me sound pretentious. I hate how it is making me pretentious. I hate how it brings back things I want to forget. I hate how I can't write now. I hate how it's the only thing I have. I hate how it makes me feel better. I hate how I write. I hate who I write these too. I hate that I'm writing this. I hate everything about my writing. But it's the only thing I could never live without

Waking up gasping
another night starts
and the image of you
screaming stays when
I shut my eyes and
I’m losing my
mind, shattered like the
mirror you threw at
me in one of our fake
fight late night
(bored out of our minds)
night I spent awake
my hand still hurting
trying to capture you
in words that just wouldn’t work
and I roll around in my
bed at night, losing my
mind trying to stop
all the pretentious *******
running through my head and
I can’t stop thinking of the nights we
spent our minds trying
to get to know each other and
I’m screaming, screaming, scream
and then I stop
and then I just stop
how can you expect
me to say I
love you
when I can’t even ******* say
who I ******* am
am losing my mind that
I didn’t even know I had and
I can feel the little fragments
of me that I spent years trying to collect
and then you just left
you threw it all away
you threw it all away
and as you left my car for the last time
I asked if I could still call you
my little bird and
you said okay
you said okay
you said
okay

The sun beats down
On the intrepid pair
The cold air is full blast
Both are exhausted from working
Both still have more to do
But they said they'd help each other
Locked away in a room
Getting to close to each other
Every time they point something out
Yes, yes, they say leaning over
Allowing just a little bit more touch
This is the right answer
And they both calmly sit down
Small snikes hidden
In the folds of the sheets they desperately miss

This isn't for you any longer
and I need you to understand that
this is no longer for you
these words served their purpose
and for the time they did
you weren't a part of my life
but now that you are
these words are still here
they just no longer want to talk about you
they no longer whisper to me about you
they no longer need you
now?
they need to describe something new

sincerely,
to you

Incomprehensible nothingness
Work work work
Sleep badly, and then work again
Faster and faster
Wrack your body with a shallow cough
That comes from years of smoking
And working to fast
Your liver will be awkwardly felt
And your head will be down
Not looking toward the end
The end, the end!
We've accepted our end
And it's the before we can't stand
Wasting away in a concrete jail
Being part of it all man!
The self proclaimed enlightened will spew
While smoking dope and drinking beer
And the people that know his words
Shake their heads and take the cowards way out

When did this beautiful life suddenly get so beautifully complicated

The sweating grinding masses
Cogs in the ineffectual machine that is society
To sober to get on
To drunk to not want to
This is what being human is all about right?
These constant need to go out there and have fun?
The urge to go and be whatever the ****
These people in the club are
These drunken animals
The sweating grinding masses?
These are the people I want to be
To cut loose and live and feel so alive
But I guess the next best thing
Is standing in the background
Writing these words

This is what this is like
Waking up in your arms
This is what this is like
Blacking out drinking
This is what it was like last night
Thinking I was dreaming
This is what I thought
Holding you close
This is what I needed
To keep the darkness at bay
This is what I always wanted
To feel you next to me
This is the life I worked for
The happiness I don't deserve

As the morning comes
The tide of sleep finally washes over me
a respite from a long night
wether from todays trials
or yesterdays flashes
no one can say
slowly whittling down
friends and enemies
lack of pressure causes the blowhard to expand
fill the mold of the cage
cornered into the outline
freer than a bird
allowed the grave he dug himself
its his and his alone

So here I will stand
free but sad until the end of days
Company to my constant companions
Loneliness and Bitterness
Been through so much together
to the end of the earth and back
my laptop is stained with tears
my words with blood
and my mind with a black childhood
so many words
too many words
always read to fast
always heard to slow

You light up the fireworks
and they soar quietly into the sky
and explode in a magnificent display
I remember a few July's back
back when I still had someone to be with
back when I thought I knew what I was doing
I'm not sure why you talked to me on the fourth
we hadn't talked all week
not ever since the incident
so why then of all nights
and why did it feel so normal?

So much fuel for the fire
The entire world is heating up
And everyone you destroy something
You can build it up bigger
(That's why I try and destroy me)
And it will be stronger this time
And maybe it's time for a shift
That so many assasinated people sought after
Maybe it's time for a brotherhood of man
Although I can never let go of my hatred
Or my inability to be in reality
I know some people can
And when I am gone
Shouldn't that be enough?

I never knew you

As you walked away

Where did it go

I never stopped loving you

You never said goodbye

You were never here

My heart is replaced

A mechanically fashioned nightmare

Making up everyday life

Just to see how

Things could turn out

If I knew you