You light up the fireworks
and they soar quietly into the sky
and explode in a magnificent display
I remember a few July's back
back when I still had someone to be with
back when I thought I knew what I was doing
I'm not sure why you talked to me on the fourth
we hadn't talked all week
not ever since the incident
so why then of all nights
and why did it feel so normal?

Write what you hear me say down
Listen to me speak
Read the words on the page
When can I become more than that?
When can I become the one behind the words?
When can I write what I wanted
Instead of what I needed to hear?

My hands are dry
Cracked from years of nothing
I just wanted to hold your hand
Map the world in your callouses
I'm lonely
And I think I need to admit that
I'm so ******* ready to admit it
If everything dies alone
Do we die by ourselves
Or de we do to be alone?
What does that mean to me...
Is living just a waiting time until we can be alone
Do the people that are never alone crave death
Do the people that never experience love
Cling to life
Perhaps to spite
Perhaps to hope

utter some ***** words
when no one else can
feel the wind blow against your skin
say your sorry for everything
even though nothing went wrong
because right now
its almost too late
too late
to start walking again
too late
to look into your eyes
too late
too fall asleep
its too late
for us

It's been a long time
since I've been this tired
a tired not drawn from living life day to day
but one drawn from living life to the fullest
a willing tiredness
one where you so desperately want to go to sleep
so you can wake up and experience everything new
a tired where you welcome sleep
a tired...
a happy tired

The more I think about it
The more you say it
The more certain I become
I need a break from here
I need to catch up on my sleep
I need to be alone
Go hiking too far in the woods
But more than anything else?
I need a break from you
I'm teetering so ******* bad
All the mental fortitude in the word means nothing when I look at you
But the I remember the empty looks
The humiliation you caused me
The grip you had on me
I'm not worried about you after all that
I'm just worried about you taking the people
I've come to care and respect
So please
I need to take a break from you
And I think you need one from me

I'm not sure if anyone in this city
maybe this is common in other cities too
when you put your hoody on late at night
feel the slightly biting summer midnight cold
walk through campus, mellowingly meandering
walk through the parking garage
run your skin along the rough concrete
break the musty depression
of the still air in the stiller garage
to enter the outer top floor
let the clouds settle and the moon to become free
in the distance, you can see the fig settle on the mountains
theres such a calming reassurance
in knowing that nature is always just a little jog away
even when surrounded by concrete
even when surrounded by unfamiliarity
you can always breath just a little bit of the sight in
and know that everything might just be okay in the morning

In the city that never sleeps
Every city shares that name
Its growing later and later
and thats okay
I was blinded by a stupid crush
Something that should've have been nothing
But it consumed me
and made me into a shell
I never did do well
forming bonds with others
but I'm in a clear mind
and a clearer conscious
Today marks the beginning of a new time
a time where I'm me not just in writing
a time where I don't worry about all the details
a time where I can start down the road to be happy
a time where maybe I can start to really look for you

I don't know what to do anymore
I know I'm sorry
I didn't mean to throw up all my alcohol in your bathroom
and I certainly didn't want to miss the toilet
I have no idea how angry you are
I don't know why i feel the way i do about you
I think its just I met you before anyone else
and i got the idea in my stupid head
that maybe you'd feel the same way
that maybe I could not sit alone in my dorm on Saturday night
that maybe you would smile at me
and accept my quirkiness for what it is
but I never slept well
and now I'm in a nightmare

I have to expand every thought I have
to come up with some way to hope for forgiveness
everyone will tell me its not a big deal
that it was a freshman party
there's always one kid who had to much to drink there
it wasn't supposed to be me
I was supposed to just have fun
but alcohol soothes the depression
I haven't drunk enough to not be melodramatic
I dont know what to do anymore

No i understand
I know when I've been beat
Wiping my own ***** off you floor
You are holding my shoes because i forgot them there last night
I messed up
Ol fat kid cant quite handle the ***** as well as he thought
I'm not sure which is sadder
That i tried to clean it up last night and missed so much
Or that I desperately want you to forgive me

I never really had much luck with relationships
I think that stunted my growth
I only ever wrote find you
so that I could stop writing
every girl who looks at me is you
and I get so happy
I finally found you
but things always go south
and I realize i so wanted you to be the you I want
and that you aren't anything close to making me happy
all because I went to fast
all because I went to slow
all because I wanted to see you smile

im drunkj
i cant reaalys type well
i ******* thew up
all over the love of my lifes bathroom
i ******* hate her
i ******* hate living life like this
day to day
living on the glances you give me
i hate yiu so ******* much
i hate that you dressed up for tonight
i hate how im not good enough for you
i hate everything about you
oh god i need to make it up to you
i need you to know i hate and love you
i said it
i love you
becuase to me
you represent a way to being normal
i hate how you make me feel
i hate how im drunk
i hate how i onky drank to confess to you
but then i threw up
and now im sire everyone will hate me
im not sure if ill fix the spelling mistakes in this
*******
i need to sleep
i need to breath
i need water
i love you
i hate you
its always a sip away

I really need you to understand something here.
Not the you that this has all been about,
but the you that this is all for.
I just want you to know
that when I meet you
I'll never write again.
The reason I write,
The reason I've always written,
was to find you.

**** i need a drink
i need to just forget everything that happened these last three weeks
i really thought we had something
i'll tell other people drunk out of my mind
but she was just too out of my league
she was too beautiful for her own good
and well, i'm me
i'll sit there and sway and slur about how unfair it all is
but the reality is
i'm just glad that know i can be ashamed of my drinking
instead of how i ****** up with you

the best part is that you didn't even do anything wrong
and either did i
no, we just drifted apart
i'll say after another drink
but we both know its because i'm ******* crazy
i'm weird and fat and depressed
and you are a beautiful girl
who i could never even hope
would feel the same way about me
because those things don't happen to me
because i'm me
so i'll drink away my liver
just anything to stop feeling this ******* pain in my heart
i didn't even like you
you just made me feel like maybe i could be normal
and i hate you for that
i hate you for not doing anything wrong

and i hate myself for ever blaming you

I've had to many people
get so ******* angry at me
for my depressed comments
thats the worst thing about me
i cant always hide my ugliest secrets
everyone looks at me and sees
the slightly overweight funny kid
but thats not me
thats never been me
but its the only thing i can do
that'll make people accept me
i need help
a silent call
is there a difference
between never saying anything
and saying anything but never listening

when did the stars
become brighter than your eyes
was it when you stopped laughing
or when you stopped looking me in the eye
the city we breath
makes the stars so dim
so what happened to you?

Let the curtain fall
on this scene of our life
hear the audience clap the silence away
hear the people weep at such a performance
go back stage and put your face
back in its proper place
were the tears tears of joy or pity
did the audience clap at such a great performance
or at the fool  for thinking he was anything but
where you even in the audience
it was all for you

Watch the bonfire drown to nothing
in the ink like solidity of the night
to much to care
to build it back up
lets go swimming
drink the waters problems away
its raining just a little bit
its not tears, i promise
swim into the false moons reflection
hold each other tight
as the new dawn is born
push each other away
and drown in the absence

i think self hatred is just another word for self respect
i respect who i am enough to know that i'm not perfect
i know that i can do better
whether its lifting weights
or talking to you
i know that i can talk to you perfectly
but i choose not to
because self hatred is a lot more than a self image
its a drug
and i'm addicted
i hate myself and what i've become
i can be so happy
but i'm addicted to my depression
because its the only thing that makes sense

I'm trying to lay this out as clearly as possible
You are not acting like the you I know
Is it because of my stupid confession?
Or have you juts gotten tired of my *******?
You caused me to stay up late again
Thinking through all the what ifs
Please just laugh one more time

You don’t laugh at my jokes anymore
When you look me in the eye, you immediately look away
You might say nothing changed
Believe me, I’m asking you about that later
But something certainly has
And I’m okay with that
Just stop holding happiness in front of me
Only to pull it away whenever I am close

i thought when i left for college
i'd miss my friends the most
or maybe my parents
but what i spend my time missing
is my bed
i can completely relax all my muscles in my bed
i can write all i want without people seeing
i can scream into the mattress
and abuse the blankets
my bed made me feel like i could sleep
i haven't slept very well here
i miss you
my bed

i don't need sympathetic looks
i don't need to be asked if i am alright
i don't need to drink my pain away
i don't need to sleep till i cant anymore
i just need you too talk to me
and then even the sun blinking out
the winds picking up the continents
would make everything not okay

i'm not sure if anyone has noticed yet
i never use the proper i
its's supposed to be I
i know that
i just don't think i denote a proper title like that
a nobody doesn't get an I
and thats okay
because when i become someone
i can be an I
maybe the first time you look me in the eye and i break the look
that'd be a nice way to become a person wouldn't it?

its kinda funny
to me at least
I've started too many works in the last hour
and i get halfway through
and i delete all of it
i refuse to even write something similar to it
I've never done that before
its always been wright it down and then never change it
but you need such high quality works
i need to describe it better
its never good enough
its never been about you
its never been about my happiness
it has always been about writing the best works

i think the saddest part about this
is that you've inspired more writing than any of the others combined
and i think theres a sad beauty in that
you've broke my heart with every glance
and took it back with every smile
so what do you want from me?
because i'll do anything to see you smile
even if it means never seeing you again

i dont want to do this anymore
i know that has multiple meanings
but i dont want to be here in college
surrounded by these people
i thought you could only drown in water
or depression
but you can drown in concrete too
people smothering you as you try and wake up
please wake up
i dont want to be in this nightmare anymore

I don't think you understand just how much it effects me
every wayward glance
every single ******* time you don't look me in the eye
every time you laugh
everyone says its not been long enough
even you did
can't i just be selfish for once
but thats not the issue
i'm running out of time
how long can i last here by myself
who will pull me back from the brink of madness this time
i hate the way i'm acting
i hate that i'm in this scenario
i hope to the nonexistent ******* god i pray to
that i can wake up tomorrow
and be able to do this all over again
not here
highschool
i'm so sorry gavin
they all ******* me up
every no was another nail in the coffin
i'm to ******* abnormal to even hope to be normal
and thats the ******* problem isn't it?
this was never about you and me
this was always about me just trying to fit in
im so lonely
im so ******* lonely
normal people dont get lonely
not for five years
five long years

No one remembers the kid who bore his soul to you
No one cares enough to remember what I said to you
No one dares to bring up the problems
No one dares to let the world continue bye
No one dares to look you in the eye
And say the words that you desperately need to hear
No one ever thought to listen to the poet
Instead of his words

Why must the casual conversation lull
The words that have so often
To often
Been used to describe you fail me
You are sitting right next to me
For once it's just you and me
But the amazing wordsmith I am
I can't utter but a thing
A wholly significant nothing
Sole purpose to reaffirm that I'm there
Everything between us
The stars and the universe
Would be nothing if you'd just turn to me
And answer the questions on our mind

Slump your shoulders
Listen to the professor’s drone on and on
Feel the eyes of her boring into the back of your head
Slump forward
Stop listening to the lecture on chemistry
Fight the urge to look behind you just to make sure she is doing anything
Lean back
Fight the urge to scream at the professor
Slowly put your head in your hands because you don’t know what else to do
Head hangs low
Give the appearance of listening
Sit back and try to breath and just don’t do anything odd or weird for the love of god

when the only dreams you have betray you
sleep is no longer the safe haven it was supposed to be
what can one do in the night
fitfully lie there
the pillows are not quite comfortable enough
the blankets just a tad too thick
our situation just a touch too unfamiliar
i didn't dream last night, i always assumed i would
no dream is better than bad dreams
no answer is worse than a bad one

feel your body turn to the cold
fold in upon itself
let the world swallow you whole
face the new streets of this new town
listen to the mirthful glee of the passive bystanders
the streets are still grey
the world still turns
live is still worth living
the world is a mixture of good and evil
and you just have to pick a side to be happy
i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow
thats really what i wanted to write about

are you there now?
are you truly sleeping?
or was that just an excuse to sort through everything
when you changed my world
you cuased me to hold my breath
and never let go of it
its a warm humid breath
that chilled my lungs
you gripped my heart
and my heart is still constricted
you looked me dead in the eye
and asked me a question
and never answered back
in the clear cut way
i got a response
but now i'm just kinda gerrymandering
i don't think i need to breath yet though

I hope i just didn't irreversibly **** everything up
what kinda question is that?
do i ******* like you
of course i ******* do
half these ****** things are about you
but i had to ******* spell it out for you
******* half veiled metaphors
did you figure it out now?
or were you sitting on it?
i knew you figured it out
i ******* knew it the second i saw you today
something in your **** eyes
but it wasn't rejection this time was it?
no, that'd be to ******* easy now wouldn't it?
no this time it was a maybe
a "things are good now, lets not change"
does that mean anything?
does that mean you do but you want to ease into it?
or that you don't and i'm just a friend
what the **** does that mean
please for the love of god tell me what you mean

You went home for the weekend
after the travesty that Thursday night was i cant really blame you
is the answer to my question on your mind?
i told you
out of everyone here
the one i was trying to protect was close to me
that he didn't want you to know that he's falling for you
hard
you asked me so many questions about him
and i answered half true every time
i still refuse to lie
you walked away angry and slightly disappointed
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you the one i was trying to protect
but i am close to me
and i think you know it was me
so you've gone home now
for a few days
i thought it'd be a nice break before you asked me
but now i'm on edge
i'm so ******* excited for what happens next
yes no
it never really mattered
just the fact that i tried
is close enough to good
so when i see you Monday
i'll continue this silly game
because it makes me smile
and i'm just delaying the inevitable

Just remember i didn't ask to play this game
you asked me too
i told you i was good at chess
you would use your bishops
my knights were short lived but important
i kept my rooks though
i lost both my bishops much to early
you asked me a question
i told you my answer
i put you in check
and i walked away
is the answer to your question
on your mind?

Its the second long looks that **** me
the wandering eyes in chemistry lecture
we locked eyes for what felt like nothing
it never would be long enough to reassure my mind
its always just enough to cause a panic attack
but never enough to make me stop
randomly
looking around
to just look in your eyes again
and not feel ******* nothing

Its slowly growing colder
colder colder colder
middle of summer
cloudy skies are brewing
this is the unnatural cold
the kind not associated with living through death
but by dying through living
this is the cold that wipes out armies
before they even march
this is the cold that princes fear
the cold that only comes from within us
the reaper is watching
he knows we won't last
not in this weather

Listen as grandpa never talks about the war
The stories he never wanted to tell
For a good reason
im sure this is why he hates my dad

hear the creaking of my grandmas hip
she couldn't even walk around the house
listen to here on the post surgery pain pills
rambling about the old days

hear my other grandma
recovering from chemo
she has a new lease on life
we all hope it wont come back

observe my uncle never being home
workaholic is just a word
but it slowly kills babies
growing up without fathers

listen to my sister
the immature brat
older than me
she's going to fail out of college

i never asked for these people
like so many other things i was born into it
we all have our vices
listen to me

I'm still not sure what color your eyes are
I never could bring myself to look a pretty girl in the eye
something about the fear of what I'd find
but eventually i always would
look them in the eye
and i'd see what i wanted
another person i didn't want to waste energy on
and thats a bad way to view people
I've done worse
ill do worse
but i'm afraid to look into your eyes
because you are different than them
you might be more of a sun than i am
thats the problems with small towns
they only need one sun
there is too many here
to many lights

Oh come now
let'
s turn the earth to earth
and the dust to dust
let 'us go then
let's experience the world
let's fly away somewhere nice
let's **** ourselves in med school
let's live to we can't live any more
let's listen to vinyl recordings of Bob Dylan
let's get drunk and high and get really sad
let's hold each other close and whisper its going to be alright
let's trust each other implicitly
let's talk to each other for once
a real talk

The ashen lunged women
misses me dearly
maybe thats why she drinks
that doesn't explain why she always has
maybe thats were i get it from

the gangrene encrusted man
misses me dearly
maybe thats why he calls so much
i feel so bad for him
i was the only friend he had

the curly haired hippy
misses me dearly
or at least i assume so
maybe he'll start writing more
i miss his words

the blonde kid in the mirror
misses me dearly
i haven't seen him in a while
maybe he'll show back up soon
i really hope so
its been so ******* long

How do you know which you is the real you
that sounds like an odd question
but just assume for a moment
that you have the whole conflicting personalities thing
like me
i think theres three
the crest of the wave
the happy one
the trough of the wave
the one i hate
and the calm water one
the one i always want
so how can you tell which one is the real one?
i sure as hell can't
maybe they all are
even if some hate each other
but thats not important the sky or the earth
did i say three?
my bad

It's never been about her
Or about who she is
she just represents a boat in the storm
one that will sink when I sink when i get in
So do I take us both
or do I swim away
what can i say to you
nothing for now
and thats never been alright
but on second thought
its just what i need

When did i first start to like you
we  met at orientation
for such a select program
the best of the state
i thought you not you
i thought you were one of the cool students
the center
but I started talking to you
and you were nice
and then we left each other
then i
I
I
I
contacted you
why I'm not sure
I kinda thought this would happen
but that is for later
it was casual convo
but you were already hurting me as much as everyone else did
that usually takes at least a month
but with you it was so much quicker
I'm not sure why
then we met again in person
I'm too nervous to talk to you for long
so it was infrequent
but then I realized I'm more sociable than you
I really hope thats true
so we slowly started hanging out more
this isn't some ****** love story
you are nervous for exams
I'm not
I'm joking around
because I'm an ******* like that
i say something to you
i just want you to ******* laugh again
and i never thought you'd get angry at me
you said its fine
but now that exams are coming
i cant talk to you until next week
and my ******* problems
wont le me sleep
i keep on thinking of you

Every **** time
every **** word
a matter of minutes
means the life or death of a party
give me a few
I'll just go get some air
these episodes are getting longer
it's been almost a whole day now
I exploded last night
oh god
notice that I always say that?
oh god
all the good thats done me
I'm a victim of circumstance
from the situations i created
Sub(par)consciously
I should probably talk to you
figure out the things that bother me
every interaction
flips me like a coin
i should really look you in the eye
see where the ridges lead me
I'm lost in a unfamiliar city
the only way out
I'm convinced you know

Stop and start my heart again
Put my chart in its yellow bin
take my roaring pulse
feel my blood calamity up
how do you fix broken mind
because I'm flying blind

Whats the cure for frostbite of the heart?
again, I don't really want to start
I have a medical history
of a freezing heart
and in this summer
the feelings growing number

measure the beating of my heart
look at the EKG
my life in a pattern
up down up down up
...
isnt that a way to go

fix my broken bones
i tried catching up to you
i tripped over myself
and now i have to stop
untill i can see you again

You are homesick
I'm sick of home
does that mean you'll hate me now?
did you hate me before?
Should i even care
i've never written about this
game theory
theory after ******* theory
i think everyone knows
they dont know the whole book
jokes on them its just the covers
there is nothing to read
i think everyone knows the covers
i couldn't tell you how i feel
really i couldn't
she makes me feel calm when she smiles
like its never going to be okay when she doesn't
you occupy my thoughts when your not there
im so worried for you
you are home sick
i never was one to believe in attachments
those two are unrelated
i dont think i like you
i think im attached to you
i think you calm the storm
i hate you for that
i hate you for making me like you
becuase im me
i hate me for not being able to tell you
i hate me for liking you
it never was your fault
its mine
its always mine
i just want you to be happy
thats a lie
i want to be happy with you
i cant remember the last time i held someones hand
no one has ever held me and said its going to be alright
no one has ever watched the stars at midnight with me
no one has inspired me more to write
no one has made me hate writing more
your special
i dont think you care for me at all