Oh my
I haven't been here in quite a while
Hiding sobbing in a crowd
Oh god  
I never thought I'd be here again
I tried so hard to connect
I'm a physcopath that wants to fit in
I've written more this last week
Than I have in my lifetime
I ******* hate this
Trying doesn't even matter

I'm afraid you think I've forgotten you
I really am busy
I kinda always planned for this
I should have told you
It's been a while since we've talked
I feel horrible
But of all the things to feel horrible about
This isn't really on the list
And that makes me feel worse
I'm sorry man
I'm so ******* sorry

This is a constant wave
Up and down
I think everyone here is starting to hate me
And for once I care a little bit
I think I do anyway
That's not important
I think I've spent to much time with these people
Too many dinners and movie nights
Too many tired jokes
Too many slip ups of the act
So now that I think they saw me
I think they are tired of me
One even admitted it
And now I don't know how to feel

in the concrete jungle
you never know when you can trust someone
here in the buildings
trust them enough to talk to them
the real buildings
talk to them about why it all hurts
in the empty buildings
friends are made
in the empty room
dreams are crushed
next to the empty couch
the sad life continues
in front of the great view
the sad life continues

You'd think with it being the first weekend
Of our college career
That more people would stay
But oh well
At least I can try and get closer
To the few that did
But that's not how that works is it?
Because I'm a disgusting **** up
Wow
Haven't called myself that in a while
Hope that means it's not starting back up again
Even if it is, it'll give me something to do
Huh?
Right right, I had a movie night
And it went great
A few people
One
Couldn't make it and she's all I wanted but
Oh well
If she was im sure we would have played the game
I try and talk she listens for a while
Then tries to ignore me
One misplaced joke
One comment a bit off
And the night of mental fortitude is ruined
Why wouldn't it be
I think being a loser in high school ****** me up for life
And the movie was pretty good

I'm not quite sure how to feel
I miss you I suppose
I guess this is the part
Where I usually explain what's wrong
All the new friends
The ones I never asked for
All huddled around
I even gave them the blanket
But that's not important
What is?
Right right
This reminds me of home
That night a few weeks
Christ a few weeks
All the old friends i made
The ones I never thought I'd miss
It's always the same situation isn't it?
Sitting in the crowd
Wishing I wasn't
A victim of circumstance
I'll scream from the roof
I hate that term
I need a drink
I hate drinking
I need you back
I think you hate me
Can I have anything?
Other than the grave I dug myself of course
I'll always have that

and it was supposed to be better when i left?
i was supposed to go away and turn into a new man?
the man i wanted to be?
he died on move in day
the second i met everyone for the first time and sealed my fate
no im still the pathetic little dreamer i was back then
can i even call myself a dreamer?
i suppose i cant even now
im to old for that
didnt i want to grow older now?
an old man surrounded by young blood
im dying from the irony
honestly i am

A masquerade of itself
a shadow of the life it represented
thats what this party is
inborn laziness
say goodbye to everyone you knew
and hello to the reflection you avoided
hanging a mirror i can see from my bed
perhaps not the best idea
a party to allow nothing to happen
slow down? slow down, eh?
lifes to slow
i want to speed up
when the night is young
and the sun wants to rise
who wins between responsibility
and making a fool of myself

Life is certainly better now that i've left for college
I havnt woken up or falling asleep sobbing since i got here
The girl(s) i like only play mind games that make me question everything
only sometimes
I havnt stopped writing like i thought i would though
Thats very distressing
My classes seem to be going easier then they were a few weeks ago
I think im going to not get good grades this time either
But things are certainly different
sometimes i actually believe peoples smiles are sincere for once
sometimes i think these people actually like me
sometimes i dont hate myself
there is even another writer here
maybe i'll get to know him
did i say im getting better or life is?
because im not getting better
no, just the circumstances have changed
thank god for distractions

The days are great
i'll say when they are
the nights not so much
morning seems to far
the days only seem that way
but the truth is
the nights are filled with restless awakeness
or dreams that are hit or miss
every moment around others is hell
and every moment away causes me to panic
i dreamed of you again last night
i woke up and never recovered, manic

I always wonder wether or not i'll be remembered for my funny one liners or my ****** *** attempts at everything else.
Every laugh just gives me another reason to go again
Every akward pause
where people arent quite sure if they are supposed to luagh
oh god why am i doing this to me
slow down
slow down
there will be time to think later

It's only now
After a party
After making new friends
Looking at the wall of windows
The veiw being an industrial park
Eating stale ramen
The typical college experience
It's only now
After having to be the most normal
Do I have to grip the reality
That I'm not struggling with trying to be
The man I always wanted
But I'm struggling with the man
Who got everything his heart desired
Barring the obvious
Always barring the obvious

A minute away
is all it takes to make me crazy
a minute away
maybe you are out having fun
a room away
i like you all
a room away
take it slow
a campus away
i was never wrong
a campus away
i never wished to be this right
a couch away
you let her control you
a couch away
she wears you like a ring
a  night away
maybe ill tell you tomorrow
a night away
maybe i wont dream about you tonight
so this is the golden years
gilded *******
i hate this fake ****
its too early to fall asleep
and to late to stay awake

So many different things flutter through my mind
New people every moment
New games and fun every single day
New forms of depression crashing over me
oh god
Oh God!
Is that what trying to be popular is like?
The constant nagging feeling of doing everything wrong
oh god oh god
Does she like me?
Do I like her?
What about her?
Or anyone else?

Breath
Breath
Awwwwww
Relax
Let the feeling wash over you
Listen to the beat of the planet
Feel the ice flow into your head
God I hate myself for doing this
Slow down and live
Slow down and breath

Every word sends me into a panic attack
To many interpretations
To many coy smiles
To many partially disguised words
Im playing a game
That I have no idea how to win
Im not quite sure what is going on
All i know
is that when you laugh
i want to see it more
And when you don't
i want to stop altogether

Hark! The prodigal ******* returns!
Hark! Going away didn't change anything did it?
Hark! No, dreams are for those that can dream
Hark! I slept horrible last night
Hark. I only dreamed of you
Hark. It was such a good dream
hark. I never wanted to let go
hark. it was raining so hard.
I never wanted to dream of you
I only ever wanted to sleep sound

Tossing and turning
The sheets are such a mess
Tossing and turning
The conversations from today
Tossing and turning
Even less hours to sleep than last night
Tossing and turning
Playing out everything
Tossing and turning
I'm flying blind
Tossing and turning
The planes going down
Tossing and turning
Through the air
Tossing and turning
Another dream
Tossing and turning
Wasn't I supposed to be awake
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning
Tossing and turning

Christ
What time is it?
Past 2 again
****, I really need to get some sleep
I have to get up early
But everything we've ever said
What am I saying?
I've known you less than a week
I've talked to you for less
I hate myself for doing this
Sometimes i feel like im just doing it on purpose at this point
******* up my life
Causing me to hate myself
Its important this time though
At least thats what I've been told
Theres too many things that can go right
And thats what makes staying up so hard
My genie is gone
My well run dry
I'm alone on this one
And I think I'm doing well
It's almost three now...

The arguments sound like a carnival
So many different games all being played
Oh i recognize that sound
That was the sound of old things rearing up
Oh that one made me cringe
That was the sound of something irrelevant
That one froze my blood
That was the sound of a heart breaking
But why...why does that one hurt me?
No, no, no, I haven't had my heart broken
I grew past that phase
Of course, of course, I must be having some sort stomach flu
I'm past those days after all
Now if you excuse me
I just thought of a new piece I'd like to write

Can a leaf notice
That even though it's floating on a glass surface
The river will still flow
Does that leaf
Know that it's moving?
Nothing else is
To its eyes at least
Does the leaf think it's going with the flow
Even if the bank walkers
Are going so much faster
Does the leaf care about it's lot in life?
As long as it's with the others
Why would it?

Everything has a double meaning
Double entendres
I believe it's called
But are we playing that game?
Are we being perfectly honest with you each other?
Or are you just being cordial?
Maybe we are both playing the game...
horrible sport at that
Never been one to lie to get them to like me
No I'm an old school basterd
I prefer Chess
All the pieces there can only move how you tell them
So are we playing a game?
Or did I already lose?

Did God sit on these giant shale shelfs
Lining a gently flowing creek
Did God sit where I am
Feet dangling in the air
Barely touching the seemingly smooth surface
Did he know
That the creek is flowing fast
That's its just glass on the surface
Is that why God modeled life like that?
Giving the impression that everything is okay
While underneath you are always screaming at yourself
Did God sit here
And ask why his life is at the point it was?
Did he break off some rocks
And throw them
Just to smash the soft rock
Just to know he can change something
That he is important
He has some sort of power
Or did God casually sit here
Chewing on plant seeds
Knowing that even if he doesn't know
Everything that is going to happen
He can still get up tomorrow and face it

The flowers all around us
Whisper of the spring
I can't believe
I already forget what I know
Though we just met for moments
What we had, spread like a flame
I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of
Smothering the kindling
Or being left out in the rain

I wear a weighted vest
While I workout
Filled with everything I lost
Always a remembrance
Of what you pushed me to do
Always to better myself
It's full of iron
Because I was cold
It's full of iron
Because you attracted me
It's full of air
Because that's the only thing left
So I'll get up, add more weight
And I'll start walking again
I've been sitting far to long
I think I hear someone up ahead
Someone other than you

It's cold here on this log
In the middle of a forest
It always seems that way
Birds cackling to each other
I hear less now then I did
I hear water far away
Wether it's a raging river
Hell bent on changing its course
Or a softer creek
Trying to love the land back
I can not say
There's multiple paths in front of me
I'd like to think they all lead to the same place
But we all know they don't
It's beautiful here in the shade
The sun lighting up the canopies
It's brighter here than I remembered
There's so few prints on this path
I'm not sure which is worse
The lack of use
Or the large amount of trash
Nature, the sly dog she is
Will take care of it
I'm glad I came here
When the earth as it peace with me
I can be at peace with myself
And no matter what happens this time
I'll be ready to live again

Do you laugh at what I say
Simply because there is no longer
Anything to laugh at
Do you lock eyes with me
Simply because there is no longer
Anyone's eyes left
Do you secretly look at me
Simply because you know
I can see you
Will you break my heart
Simply because you can
When I see you next

Insecurity is what killed God
Lack of faith
In the most faithful being
Scared of his own power
Certainly he has never failed
But omnipotents crumbles to nothing
In the face of insecurity
Can God move an unmovable stone?
Of course he can
But he won't
Because he became an atheist
To himself
After he failed to save the one
Who needed it most
Even if
It was according to the plan

so this is it i suppose
what everything in my life has been leading to
a perfect day
honestly exceeding even my wildest dreams
so why am i still up
at 4 A.M.
thinking about were it all went wrong
i met my future classmates
i was the life of the conversation
every witty comment
thrown in at just the right time
i have girls
plural
that want to talk to me
or at least they seem to want to
so why is it
that when everything is all coming together
im feeling like everything is spiraling out of control
rapidly dying in the new days glow
i close my eyes hoping
against all hope
that those horrid problems from my past
aren't resurfacing
and that im just tired
and i mean it this time
please just let me sleep

what can i say to you
i ask myself that everyday
what can i say to you
anything to make you laugh
what can i say to you
i think im falling for you
what can i say to you
i hate myself for doing this
what can i say to you
to make you hate me
what can i say to you
to make this all go away

Make no mistake
im not an artist
im a lot of things
an poet isnt one of them
im a fake if i was real
everything i write
dances with the truth
like two prancing lovers in a field
who are slowly dying
from overdosing on something they shouldnt have taken
i hate what i write
i hate myself
i really do

When im standing here
i feel right next to nowhere
this is a spot
where the books plot
was forever brought forward

this is were we first kissed
the only time i felt such bliss
you said i love you too the moon and back
now if only my heart wasnt so black
we both could have walked away happy

I suppose this is what ive become
a commodification of myself
i haven't written anything in ages
i just finished another work
not ten seconds ago
i  cant remember ever being proud
of the things i do
because i think that requires
one to be honest with the way things are

No one ever tells you
about how the eagle soars
until its barely a speck
even to the sky

no one ever tells you
about how that eagle
has to deal with
to many of its children not making it
to many partners, falling of the cliff
welcomed into the sea with open arms
to many winters, gone hungry
watching as the others starve around you
to many suns
dancing across the sky
to remember all their faces

I think that at some point
in every artist career
(i suppose im an artist now)
they create the truest work they ever will
and everything feels not as right to them
those works were what they always strived for
i remember writing them
how could i not?
riding into new york
a bus full of strangers
in the pitch blackness of midnight
i took the last free breath of my life
and i staggered my way
across any paper i had
writing the only things
id ever be proud of

as the clock hands rolled
in time with the buses wheels
i looked at the strangers around me
some of which i knew since childhood
and i knew
that as long as i had this piece
everything would work out
and i could go on with my life
and never have to write another word

if only it was bright enough on that bus
to actually wright anything
other than abstract lines
representing the structures
of dead words epitaphs

so i write
trying to get a glimpse
of what i saw
that horribly seductive night
in a new york spring

Its much to hot for you here
Im sorry for that
you have to long to wait
till you'll bring back the cold
i love you
there is no doubt there
but i hate you when you leave
take me away
i feel the sun
beating down its hatred
i feel this rough paper
boiling hot in this arid day
i feel my pocket
empty
i cant trust myself with it
not in this heat
i look over this almost stagnent pond
this is what ive become
a wanderless vagabond
never letting go of the past
(she's not coming back)
saying i have to write
these verses that i hate
so i know that someones reading
even if its something
i didnt want to write

I think there's something
always something
to be gained
by nothing
some shy away from the pitch blackness that surrounds them
lonely nights locked away in an iron cage of comforters
not a light on in the room
it really doesn't matter if they kept their eyes open or not
they all see the same thing
the darkness changes, that it does
some see the fears that plague them
some lovers of the past
some see the darkness looking back at them
seeing a sad little boy hiding under the covers
silently screaming away into the night
that he wants to be a little kid again
that he doesn't want to leave his friends behind
even though everyone knows he means the opposite
he doesn't want to go and hide under the corporate blanket
becuase it's all the same world, just different ages, different people
but we are all trying to hide under that blanket in the night
because we know that we don't want to see
whats inside that pit around us
the dreams
of what could have been

It's a fake world we live in
Let's all sit around the table happily
And ignore mom shaking from lack of nicotine
Even though no one is supposed to know she smokes
Let's ignore my moms headache
And say it's due to allergies
And not a hangover
Let's ignore my sister almost failing out of medical school
Because we haven't seen her in so long
Let's ignore my dad's painful smile
Because he knows that his family
The one thing he actually works for
Is crumbling around him
Let's ignore me
Oh god for the love of god
don't start in on me

I wonder why you are the only one
all the other houses are filled with little chirps
but yours, oddly empty
Oh! Of course!
you must be watching the house while she is away
no doubt gathering food
or Oh! Of course!
you must be guarding some young
it is the season after all
lets both try and ignore
your desperate warbling
crying out into the lake for her
and let's both try and ignore
how nakedly exposed
the inside of the house is

Theres something so beautifully sad
in having a book by the one and only Bobby fisher
teaching you how to play chess
just laying on the bed, open
yet never having won a game

There's something so beautifully sad
in having a guitar, all tuned and ready to play
leaning on my legs
despite the fact that I've
never so much as strummed a chord

There's something so beautifully sad
in listening to vinyl
becuase even though it does sound better
you only listen to a small collection
of people that you listened to not on vinyl

There's something so beautifully sad
with drinking away into the night
becuase when they say you've had enough
and then you stumble and drain another can
Thinking that no one noticed

There's something so beautifully sad
about the man who calls himself an artist
yet can't make art of any kind
and has to drink, even if it was only once
in order to make anything ever again

As the newly minted family of geese
swim along in front of me
Mother in front, Father in back
I really hope that they notice
the one they left behind
and I'm scared to think
that they already do

Why is it that after such amazing days

I have the worst dreams

Ones were I can dare to stand you

Ones were you look more beautiful than anything I've ever seen

Dreams were I can't function in that fake world

Because you were the world

So now that I'm awake

How do you expect me to function in the real one?

Hold my hand as i fade away
not only from your memory
but from your very thoughts
that drove us together in the first place

And as I saw your eyes for the last time
I couldn't help but think of eons from now
and the significance of you eyes
to everything that is
and the insignificance of your eyes
to everything else

What does it mean to you?
An aperture is the greatest thing in the world
it lets us take a moment of time
and forever remember it
a soft click
and the looks on the faces
the lack of good graces
forever carried through
that small metal eye
It saved me
that it did
because know it gave me
the one thing i wanted more than anything else
a picture were you wern't happy

Blue was the color I was born with
Its in my eyes just as much as in my soul
I've always had something blue in my life
A blue car, a blue blanket
A blue scarf
I grew up you know?
And blue was my color
I see it when I look in the mirror
and not just in my eyes
Blue is the color of the ice chips
that seemed to be the only thing you gave
and like a man dying of thirst
I took that ice and lived on it
But that was in the past
Its summer now
isn't it?
So I don't need a scarf anymore
yes, I may have worn it before
and even now, i do
but that's not the blue life anymore
that's the adult flask i have
blue in everything but color
filled with the last of winters ice
I'd love to get drunk with you again winter
but you've left me here to melt away
I love you more than the seasons
and that's why my flask will remain unopened

I'm addicted to gambling my happiness
And I've fallen in love with the idea of winning
I'm the gambler
I'm not very good
I always have the option to win
But it's never the win I want
I would be fine losing all the time
If I won one time
But let the chips fall
The table spin
Put a drink in my hand
Maybe tonight I'll win something  other than money
Maybe I'll win something worth it

I felt my heart break today
No more of that sappy ****
I mean physically
I woke up, I had to study
And when I got up to take a break
My heart broke on half.
It hurts now.

Maybe it was becuase I was going online
Maybe it's becuase I havnt thought of you in a while
You break my heart in my head
And now I broke it in my body
I hate sappy ******* things
Especially those sad endings

All my journals
Filled with my words
Were the quilt that kept me warm
In those dark, dark nights
The friend who always listened
When no one else could
But life
And that basterd time
They kidnapped me
And as my head
was filled with a shadows web
Instead of water
The dust grew on my words
And I noticed
And I didn't want them to go
So I took them
And filled them with what I thought
Was the answer
I filled them with oil
Water doesn't help to get into college
And whether I was pushed or walked
Alone
I am at the top of the admissions list
But now
In the prime of the greatest challenge
My words found me
And they drowned me
So I read them
And they read me
And I can never let them go
As much as I want to

The more sober I'm not

The colder my body feels

To aware to know that I can't go

And get more blankets

But not aware enough to think of a better idea

The only things stopping the cold from taking me

The warm glow of the screen in front of me

One of my best friends in my darkest rooms

You gave me the outlet to see the new world

And I gave you my memories and words

You caused me to be cold

You let me

It's all my fault

I hate you

Because I hate me

You just couldn't let me go one night without seeing her picture, her new boyfriend, her awkward smile because she never loved him like she did me, but you made my heart cold and my head dumb and it's all my fault and I miss you and I messed up, so badly.

I love you so much


Because you loved me back

Hype, hype, hype, the new news!
Don't you dare hit that snooze!
The world is forever moving on
If you don't catch up...
You'll be used like a pawn

But what a glorious new day!
All she had to do was say...
Yes, a new day, a new life
I swear to new god
I won't let this fall to strife

New is the world this time
A feeling that was sublime
As I look into your eyes
And as the window shatters
I look at where I kept the photo's frame

Gone are the days of laying in bed

And here are the days of missing in it's stead

Fanciful thoughts still alive today

Open for the world, on a display

You Dream, are not forgotten

No, you fill my writers pen

Writing these words

That no one will hear

Even when they listen

As poor, poor Dream

Knows he isn't true