Here alone again
Different from last time
Getting back from just hanging out
Instead of hanging out just to get back
College has changed me
Perhaps too much
Maybe not enough
I wonder if anyone back home would recognize me
I winder if they ever think about me
Do they miss me? Those friends of mine
We promised that although we were going across the state
That we would never stop being friends
All of us and our promises
Like the soft sound of raindrops on the window
Slowly falling away, until they all collect
and then fall away all together

Let the rain fall in the dry city
Although it never seems to impede the blood that flows
This place is alive
These grounds have a life to them
The whispers of the statues at night
The creaking of the newly planted trees unsure of themselves
The sidewalks, the old buildings, even some of the faculty
they are the most alive parts of this place
The lifeblood left as a memento to the newest generation
At night the campus is alive with stillness
With an overwhelming quietness that ***** you in
At night everyone is gone
And its just you, the rain, and the streetlamps

The sweating grinding masses
Cogs in the ineffectual machine that is society
To sober to get on
To drunk to not want to
This is what being human is all about right?
These constant need to go out there and have fun?
The urge to go and be whatever the ****
These people in the club are
These drunken animals
The sweating grinding masses?
These are the people I want to be
To cut loose and live and feel so alive
But I guess the next best thing
Is standing in the background
Writing these words

I should have done a lot of things today
I should have enjoyed myself
I should have been happy with the time I spent with friends
I should have said something to you
I should have given you this stupid stuffed animal
I should have been faster in my thoughts
I did a lot of things I shouldn't do
I shouldn't have been looking for you
I shouldn't have  looked into your eyes and fallen in love
I shouldn't have spent the rest of the day looking for you
I shouldn't have lived my life like this for the years I have
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry

I've committed so many sins
In my speck of a lifetime
I've lied, cheated, and used
My way to the top
And the war
To convince myself that it's okay
That I shouldn't feel bad
Is always going on
So to the strangers I meet
Who I ask did I do the right thing?
To my friends
Who I beg to answer am I a monster
And to the doctors
Who lay in their chairs taking notes and not judging
(Even if they always do)
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you
And al the half truths I muttered
But more than that
I'm sorry for the few I told the truth too

the years carried on by
we lived the lie
these are the days of our lives
we started so young
and had our youth taken from us
now we are barely adults
and feel like old men
not in mind, but in body
and now we act like teenagers
not in body, but in the mind
we are to old to be immature
and to young to be this cynical
but it was supposed to all be worth it
but as we float in the pool
for hours on end
even the doctors we are now
that we were ******* over
and ******* and moaning
won't make the thought of her go away any faster

I'm a monster
Someone who can't recognize their reflection
I'm a horrible person
Who lies and manipulates everyone
I can't stand being like this
So ******* happy
I'm ruining people's lives
I'm hurting people
And it's the only time I remember feeling happy
So what if yeah deserved it
Who long until the people I hurt don't?
How long until someone innocent falls prey
How long can I keep doing this
Until I destroy myself

Walking the city streets alone
hand in hand with the ghost of the past
this was the spot
where we promised so much to each other
walking on
passing by the statues in the park
seems like they never stop looking
passing by the hospital
where you had to go when you almost died when you were younger
you said so many things to me
to many things
echoes of the past now
my constant companion the ghost of what you were
hand in hand down the empty city streets
its getting colder each day
so this is the price I have to pay
for the sins of my past

Raining at night
The moon catching every perfect drop
Not a chance to see the stars tonight is there?
No, it's foggy, it's murky, it's so **** sad
You sit on the park bench
An umbrella nothing more than a dull memory
The rain felt good on your skin
One of the little things you appreciate in life
You smile, taking another drink
You've reached peace with your life
Everything's that's happened to you
All the times your hearts been broken
All the times you succeeded
And it felt like nothing
All the times you thought you were living
But in a few days you were right back in your old habits that caused all problems in the first place
But that's not right now
Right now
You are living
You close your eyes and lean your head back
You smile as the sobbing shudders break through you
You feel the rain on your face
No longer knowing if they are natural or not
And you can't find it in yourself to care
You know you'll spend the night here
Maybe someone will find you
Maybe not
But at least this time
You can go to sleep knowing you were happy
If only for a little bit

Why am I thinking about you now
It's been awhile since we've even seen each other
I remember the night when I first loved you
Someone couldn't handle their drinks
And we had to clean up after them
(Christ I miss him)
And when you bent down
The moonlight hit your hair
And you looked me in the eye
And that's when I knew things were different
I don't think I can ever forget that night
Just like I can't forget the night
Where I realized I hated you
Worked half to death
Another exam coming up
You used me
You were always using me
And I was to stupidly infatuated
The look in your eyes
I was scared once
Now?
I can't even bring myself to look at them

You all blend together
Later and later at night
All your faces melting into the void
I hate words like void
People read it and assume I'm a pretentious *******
Maybe I am
But the void is all around me
Drenched in my own failure
To even hold the conversation
Too caught up in my little persona
That I forgot to be a real person
I forgot to live again this year
And there is always next
I suppose
I feel like I'm running out of time to live
I'm young and stupid
I shouldn't feel the way I do
And that makes it so much worse

All my friends have left me now
Turned towards their own destinies
We all knew this was coming
We all gave our last goodbyes
No words ever capable of showing how we felt
We shook hands and made plans
Promising to stay in touch and meet up soon
We all know we won't
We all know life's about to take us
So as we walked away we remembered our time
The late nights at the fields
The nights matching under the lights
The hours spent talking
The years spent living
All to be replaced by newer days
I left before everyone else didn't I?
Those days exploring a city
Excitedly running around campus
Thinking we were in love
All with new people
Now that all my old friends are gone
I regret every moment I tried to replace them
I regret never telling them what they meant
But more than anything else
I regret turning my back on the person they knew I could be

no no no
please come back
you were different this time
I could see the future and we were so happy
I fell in love with you the second i saw you
you were everything I ever wanted
but you are gone now
and this time forever
how did the saying go?
Never fall in love with your dream  girl
Or never fall in love with a girl in your dreams

2:53
just as good as a time for a dreamer than any other
An insomniac dreamer
Too tired to bother remembering
when he is asleep and wen he is awake
when too many coincidences pile up
He is convinced he is asleep
But when he wakes up
The world isn't right at all
And he is even more convinced that it is a dream
2:54
The world crashes and comes back
echoing the waves outside
I can't remember the last time
I missed someone that I hated so much
maybe because at one point you held my heart
maybe because at one point I actually cared
is that really what happened to us?
too fast we let it die
too fast we all die
2:56
Blackout curtains
Can't stand the sun getting me up
Blacker than ink out right now
Only comfort in the whole world
The warm glow of my screen
A flicker though
a lighthouse guides ships through the fog
a lighthouse guides the words across a page
a mighty beacon for the strong for to long and weary
gone and back
life and death
hinging all the pent up dreams on seeing that light again
guide me home
please, guide me home

When did forever turn into a few more days
When did all our promises turn back into just words
When did we ever start loving each other
When did the sun rise seem a little less bright
When did the nights start getting a bit to long
When did we both realize we desperately love each other
When did we both forget who the other one was

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done
I whispered into the night
I never thought my life would turn out like this
I told the darkness enveloping me
I...I just wanted to be happy
I whispered as the darkness blanketed me
Was everything I've done, everything I've written
Worth nothing the end?
I thought as the blissful feeling on nonexistence washed over me
giving some respite until sleep becomes a sickness
and waking becomes the cure

when drunken dreams
become indistinguishable
from the sober reality
When the world is spinning
even when your mind is clean
when every cry of
I love you
just rings in your ears
barely even a whisper of a memory
When your thoughts turn dust to ash
and ash to dust
thats where you will be

You cut out the world
You stopped listening to everyone who cared about you
you became so obsessed with your dream
you made it fail
you had so many opportunities to let them love you
they wanted to
they wanted nothing more than to see you happy
but you dreamt
and you never were all the way here were you?
No, you were always head in the clouds
and now
you are suffering for your own stupidity
I don't even recognize you

Allow the things that set you free
The drinks, the dreams, the people
Let them become your prison
Listen to the words of the rivers
The sayings of the trees
What does the wind whisper to you?
When was the last time you were alone
Free from every expectations barring your own
There was a whole world to see wasn't there?
Just you and me too see the world
New York to Australia
The definition of a city
The brink of the modern world
We where meant to be happy together
But neither of us were free from our expectations
Now that I've done everything we wanted
(it was always my idea wasn't it?)
I can't help but hope
That you are still around
when i get back from the brink

The hobbling walk back
Killing yourself to be better
More ****** up parts
Than healthy ones
The happy girl in the park
Calling her dog back from the water
The mothers yelling at their kids
My ankle can't support my weight
My body can't handle this
The pressure
The pressure
Getting stronger to become slower
Stronger in body
Stronger in mind
Slower and slower
All for the sake of nothing
Body grows weak
Mind grows tired
Happiness was never anything more
Than a philosophers dream was it?
So as the park roars in its death
Bringing new life to a new land
I'll hobble by
Waiting for the dream to end

It's the world you miss
Locked away in your head
It's the ones back home
When you walk away
It's the ones you loved
When you turn you back
It's the ones who said
Everything will be alright
When you turned away
It's the ones who are no longer here
Might as well be gone from this earth
It's the ones you would give the would for
If they were to be back here
It's the ones you miss
When in the city
It's the ones who made the loneliness die
When you went away
It's the ones who you whisper to
That it'll all work out
Because that's what we do
Lie to each other so we can wake up again
Tomorrow is just a few lifetimes away

Monday we fell in love

Tuesday I realized I hated you and what you've become

Wednesday I knew that you hated me back

Thursday we talked and we knew everything would work out

Friday we got drunk and accidentally hated each other again

Saturday we were hungover and had work to do

Sunday we said goodbye, because we ran out of time, and we fell out of each other's arms

I'm back
I whispered into the night
I'm home at last
I'm so happy to see all of you
Did I change?
Did you?
I missed all of you
No one was supposed to remember me
But you all did
No one could let these old bones dry
Only free in travel
I'm back home
With the friends I missed
The ones who know me
The monster I am
The monster I was
They know me
And I know them
Let's remember to whisper good bye
To each other
And pray it's not forever
I'll see you all soon
I'll say as I shut my door
And drive away
I'll see you soon

When the moon sets
And the words still descend
The ink still wet
New and another
Worked to the bone
The naked words run
Cracked and baked in their solitude
Across the page
Across the eyes
Across the universe
It's the only constant I believe in
The utter ineptitude of these words
And the chilling look in your eyes

Waking up in a stupor
Way past noon
Feeling like your body is dead
And your mind isn't far behind
This isn't a hangover from drinking
This is a hangover from living
Days getting longer
Nights getting shorter
Not just because of the Summer
My body moans and creaks
My mind hums with thoughts that were not supposed to be there
Another night gone
Wasted without being wasted
Loved while loving
Free while being caged
Breathing while drowning
And the best part?
I can't wait to do this all again

The sun beats down
On the intrepid pair
The cold air is full blast
Both are exhausted from working
Both still have more to do
But they said they'd help each other
Locked away in a room
Getting to close to each other
Every time they point something out
Yes, yes, they say leaning over
Allowing just a little bit more touch
This is the right answer
And they both calmly sit down
Small snikes hidden
In the folds of the sheets they desperately miss

It's in the bottom of the bottle
The truth every artist or poet
Spends their life looking for
It's hidden in such a simple place
The bottom of the bottle
Is it empty for the right reasons?
Was it drunken quickly
A man desperately needing a low buzz
Or maybe it was a slow last sip
A night nursing the bottle
Was it a heavy drink?
Were the last shreds of hope
Represented in that pile of soaked spice left over?
Or maybe it was a lighter kind
Something you could slam down
And ignore how many ways
You can see your life
In the bottom of the bottle

Let's ignore these things
Let's ignore the people sitting next to each other
(Even though they usually don't)
Let's ignore the people talking in class
Let's ignore the party from last weekend
Where we all got to drunk
Let's ignore our pleas of love to each other
(It's much to early for that)
Let's ignore everything we've said
Let's ignore all the nights spent with each other
So we can work harder
And ignore that these are supposed to be
The times of our lives

Maybe it's because I'm tired
Maybe it's because of you
I accidentaly called everyone
I met today your name
A nap with my book on my face
A goodnight to me
A goodnight back
But you aren't here right now
It's someone else
It usually is

We all stood there and watched
As some of our family failed
Were thrown out in front of us
Taken away from our loving arms
We watched in stunned silence
As they were led away
We...Christ we knew them
Knew they weren't bad people
But no one said take me instead
We ignored the roaring beating of our hearts
And pretended not feel them break
As our eyes were the only thing that betrayed us

You are nervous now
You locked yourself in your room
A bad semester grade
Isn't the end of the world
But you shutting it out is
The life in your eyes
Slowly being replaced by panic
A raw overwhelming paranoia
Your eyes are still frightening
In the way a wild animal
Cornered into a cage
Looks at its attackers
And gives them it's all
So be careful now
For you are a wolf

Nodding off in Chem lecture
You have to look around
You haven't slept well recently
When everyone in the family
Hates their own roommates
So come all you hopeful
Into the cousins house
Give us the company
Let us fall for you
So we can kick you out
And see you looking at us
When we can't sleep at night
When we can't sleep right now
So let's fantasize about the good and bad
Waking nightmares aren't so bad
As long as I can sleep
And you stop staring
I promise I won't mess up anymore

Yes yes let's take a photo
Hold each other tight
Cheek to cheek
As a stranger we know more than each other
Smiles at the happy couple
Young love is too beautiful not too
Older than the dirt
Older than the sea
He feels her trembling
In fear or excitement, he doesn't know
She feels his heart stutter in step
From fear of the stranger
Or when she stopped recognizing the one next to her
She doesn't know
And as the photo is taken
The two walk away hand in hand
Not knowing the truth
That photos only reflect
What you tell them too

Yes let's drive to the middle of the green
The algae infested lake
A sanctuary in a city
Yes let's look at the horizon and see nothing for once
Let us go then
Feel the sun kiss our cheeks
Let's hold each other tight
We both had cold hearts
Maybe we can salvage some respite from the heat
Let us go then
Into the water and into old age
We said we loved each other
We said a lot of things on the lake
We always say a lot of things on the lake

Remember the last time
remember when you were comfortable in silence
when you didn't feel the need to fill the void
remember when someone talked to you first
instead of you making the plans
remember the last time you slept the full six hours
instead of waking up every few hours
remember when you said you loved it here?
remember when you said you loved her?
remember when she broke your heart?
remember when you thought you found here,
the real her this time?
remember when you promised you wouldn't get depressed again?
remember making all these promises?
I do
and I remember breaking every single on of them

I promised myself I wouldn't do this again
I really did this time
you were different than everyone else
we were friends for what felt like forever
and I kinda fell for you hard
and now everything is just off
everything is put through a new light
and I'm kinda stuck floundering here
because I know what I'm doing is self-destructive
but I really don't know how to feel about any of this
because I am too stunted in experiences
to properly handle things like this

Let us go then
So many good times
I feel bad times
I think I'm feeling wrong
You are such a good friend
I'm moving out
And I'm worried about what will happen then
I'm not sure why you exactly spend so much time in my room
Everything is turning into that vague unknowingness
the one that drives me crazy
because nothing is ever definite
welcome to the haze
a heavy wet fog
drives me crazy
every time

He grew up his entire life on a dot
a town that barely shows up on a map
of the entire county
he was a prisoner there
much like most teens
and found freedom in a car
where he drove around
and found the things that made him who he is
and he just can't understand
that you aren't even from around where he was from
yet you've been to every place he has
a shadow following years ahead or behind
never meeting until you both ended up in the city
never meeting until you stayed up late one night
never meeting until you saw each others eyes

Moving in and moving out
college is turning into a blur of rooms
up a floor take a left
its always the same
down two straight ahead
I just needed the change you know?
You followed me from room to room
At least I hope you did
Things were never the same after this last move
I can't remember the last time you visited
Was it...
no, no of course not
I'll visit you tomorrow

When you broke down
I saw it all
There wasn't a reason for it
At least none that we remember
There never is
Everything happens in the moment
The life never loved to its fullest
When you broke down
You saw it all
The creation of us
And the destruction of me
When you see the stars and the moon collide
Do you cry as much as you can
Or do you simply hold that image in your eyes
Letting it fuel your new found affection
Letting it reflect the lamp light in an almost dark room
Scaring the hell outta me
When I see them looking at me

In every room
Full of drunken people
There is always a few
Buzzed or sober
That clean up their acts
Look into each others eyes and say
Thanks for everything
They hug
The world stops everything
As it always does with these moments
And then they leave
To wake up tommorow
Not even knowing they did something significant

Yes yes let the crowd go
A festival to celebrate some heritage
Something I'm not really sure of
Spilt the audience
By twos and threes
The people walking by
Freer than a prisoner
Recently released
Oh don't ask
let us continue on
The music flows into the crowd
Swaying back and forth
A fake cover
Silences the crowd
In our drunken stupor
We look at the stars
And fall into each others arms
And only recognize our collect glazed vision

You have the most disturbing eyes I've ever seen
across the room
across the world
eyes illuminated by only the lamp
and the screen
you look me dead in the eye
and you scare me
the intense you give me
I barely hear the words
you look into me
to far
too ******* far
this isn't like the rest
stupid infatuation
this is fear
I'm afraid of you
and I don't know why

The world is turning
Three exact copies
Merging in and out of existence
this was supposed to be the good stuff
i can feel it rotting in my gut
a burning napalmy rolling
every copy is exact
in its differences
my eyes glaze over the already glazed view
I don't think I saw you
theres always tomorrow
another bottle
another way to cure the hangover
a self fulfilling prophecy
the sickness is the cure

As the morning comes
The tide of sleep finally washes over me
a respite from a long night
wether from todays trials
or yesterdays flashes
no one can say
slowly whittling down
friends and enemies
lack of pressure causes the blowhard to expand
fill the mold of the cage
cornered into the outline
freer than a bird
allowed the grave he dug himself
its his and his alone

Big surprise
Most people here have depression
Kinda expected in a place like this
People are so much smarter than me
They still all have reasons
Things that happened
That made them the way they are
I still don't
I still am just as bad as some of them
for no reason whatsoever
I hate this so much
to much
to ******* much

Around the room
the questions flow
a funny game
with a ***** undertone
we all tell our stories
and our experiences
I didn't have a lot to tell
but knowing that everyone has lived so much more
just reminds me what I could've been

I really try and write to find you
I guess my problem is I'm to impatient
everyday I wake up and I know
that today will be the day
it has to be the day
I'm running out of time
I need to find you
which is why I have my heart broken every time
Because I place too much in it
when someone looks me in the eye

I have to fight the urge not to talk to you
You are back from visiting your parents
I want nothing more than to see how you are doing
But I won't
not after everything I discovered about me
not after everything that has happened
not after still wanting to see you after everything happened
especially not after that last one

It's getting harder to write
to be not dramatic
to show what I really mean
and not what I want to
I'm sorry for lying
but I just wanted people to read everything
so that maybe they would read the true ones too