When the shock brings you back from the dead
and when you can't stand me anymore
when you scream you hate me and don't want to do this anymore
remember days like today
remember how we didn't worry
how we were happy
that although we can't be close
we can still be close
that even though we can't be happy
we can try
remember when you heart stops
that we knew this was coming
and then we did everything we could

Worry is the word of the century
I wasn't sure what to expect from this
what to expect from her
but the worry is eating away at me
and late at night its getting harder to fall asleep
pensive words only meant to comfort
being strong for hopefully the right reasons
being there for you when I am gone
these are what I promised you
in that lifetime past
in the new one at last
no one thinks paradise would be hell
until they live it themselves

cold stones line the ***** streets
everyone gone home for a drunken one night stand
leaving the intrepid hero to his own means
he stands, alone but free
chained by only his own creations
when did the hero die?
a thin shadow of the greatness he could have once been
the time for stories are over
its time for the hero to die

Streets glowing in the dark mist
Raining for weeks
People say God himself is crying
Some great travesty of the human race
The streets are being filled with repentance
Thinking they are running out of time
They want to leave with a clear conscience
As the streets run afoul with paranoia striking deep  
The jokers laugh at the greatest joke of all
Leaving a live free of doubt

I am trapped in a deep darkness
Im the blind trying to lead the sighted
I am no longer able to see the difference between light and dark
A vast white expanse laid out for me
A god to create what he wants
The white pages
Will remain blank to avoid the darkness
I was never able to create them

Its when you look in the mirror and dont see yourself
Its when your body never feels normal
I just wanted to go and be happy
I never knew that the world would do anything to stop me
Shackles made of the stuff of nightmares
Nightmares that no one fears anymore
hold me to the past and the future
but never the present

It's sitting outside the friends room
His two good friends together again
He just sort of meanders about
Waiting for everyone to have time for him
He knows that's not how it really is
But that's just the way he feels
He's not sure if he is getting better
Or if he just really feels like he is
He kinda feels like he is running out of hope
Or maybe time
Probably time
He can't quite remember when he was sure
About anything about himself
He just knows he can feel happy
And he can feel sad
And he's not really sure when to feel them

Carrying on and drudging on
Drowning in the lake that is now life
Semi-inflatable hair brained schemes
drowning without them
but only delaying the inevitable now
slowly letting out the air
night dawns on today's death
filling with ink webbing across the sky
blotting out the stars
snuffing the young flames before they really had a chance to burn
and as the dark wind howls across the ocean
a pious silence fills the sky

Inside every knight is a man
who just wants to go home and see his wife
who wants to teach his kids to be happy
Inside every knight
Is a man who is unsure of himself
who is worried about an enemy finding the weak spots in his armor
Inside every knight
Is a weak man
weary and beaten down
A man who only wants to watch the stars
And whisper sweet goodbyes to his love
Inside every night
Is a man who uses the darkness as a shield
To live and be free from his knights armor

Pooling around the incessant wanderer
Too pensive to see the obvious truths
Water flows down the tired temple
The one he abused to meet his ends
A smattering of water on the tile floor
Cold white stones causing steam to come
To come block away the present
Past was a castle in the sky
And the future the unexplored caves
Dreams to those who live life like a coward
A king among Gods
Is an ant among men
When the mad king rebels
Too far gone to know the difference he makes

He can't quite remember when he last slept well
Sure he gets a few precious hours a night
Fretful in all but action
They called him pensive today
He isn't really sure why that means something
Why that one comment made him feel so sad
He knows that it's getting late
Later than he normally goes
He knows he's probably too late
And not just for the night
He sighs, closing the blank screen
Always another night he says
Crawling into the bed, and turning of the lights
He doesn't realize that he is missing something
Something that would give him so much to write about

Tired eyes peering over the edge of the book
He is expecting this already
He missed something
Just a little glance here or there
Maybe it was just a look in the eye across the room
But he missed something
It's not the fact that he missed it
It's not the fact he can feel himself slipping back into those minds
It's the fact that the coffee is cold
and the book isn't quite good enough to be an escape

Drunken revelry palgued by inconsistencies
Thoughts of medication
Dreams of ending
He is so scared to accept the fact that it might be over
A simple pill every day
Every hour
Every minute
He doesn't care as long as he gets better
Deattached from himself
Fronting the faces
He can't see himself in mirrors
Fitting for a late October night
Trees are dying early
Cold seeps into his heart
He hopes that the doctors are right
That he can make it through this winter
And start his life anew
He wants nothing more than to be happy
He knows he is holding himself back
Addiction to a mental disorder
Can't imagine living any other way
Colder and colder at night
Slowly losing feeling
The slow death creeps forward

Morning breaks on the intrepid mourners
A constant flux between nothing
And the dark cocoon days
Wrapped in thick weave blankets
Hoping you'll come out different this time
They want to start you in on meds
You don't know how that will change you
You can't really remember the last time you knew something
For sure
In and out of different minds
A depersonalization of the body
Mind and body aren't the same
And alcohol fuels the disconnect
Showing that we are more than our bodies
We are the dust in the air
The remains of gods who killed themselves
I woke up from the dreams into a nightmare?
I don't think I ever really woke up at all
Alarm has been screaming for a while
I'm back
I whispered into the air
And I don't know for how long
And I know it won't last forever
And I can feel myself slip
But for now I am here

I'm done now,
In so many ways
Done with the depression
It's time to embrace the light
Done with the hiding
I am victorious
Done with the confidence
For I am me
Done with losing
Because I have been winning all along
I'm done with looking for you
Because you can't look for something that will happen naturally
But more than any of that,
I'm done writing
Not forever, never forever
But for now, it's time to stop writing about what could be
And start making it happen
This needs to be done
To all my readers, all my followers
Thank you for being there
To the friends, to the/b/rothers, to the strangers
You always made another day worth living
Thank you for everything
I love all of you

-I am no longer Blueflask71,
                                            Just call me Alex

So here I will stand
free but sad until the end of days
Company to my constant companions
Loneliness and Bitterness
Been through so much together
to the end of the earth and back
my laptop is stained with tears
my words with blood
and my mind with a black childhood
so many words
too many words
always read to fast
always heard to slow

Why am I having a breakdown now
I really needed to sleep tonight
I keep on thinking that everyone here
are the nicest people I've ever met
that they actually care about me
un the same minute
i think these people treat me like a piece if ****
That they could care less what happens to me
That if i left they would cheer
**** its hard to right ]
im sobbing
i need help so bad
therapist appointments are to far apart
no help left for those like me
maybe they are being nice
pitying the ******* i am
maybe everyone sees threw me
all the ******* hair-brained schemes
all the lies and manipulations
they see threw it all don't they
they are mocking me behind my back
they are just pretending to care
i know they are
who would ever want to care for a monster
a waste of space
its only a matter of time before i fail out of this program
and dissapoint my parents like i always knew i would

At the end of all the heartache
At the end of everyday
A man can only be defined by two things
How others see him
And how he sees the others
Many success stories come from this road
Seen like a god, and thinking like one as well
Many stories ending from the other
Seen like a person
Hated on the inside
Others hated by everyone
And hate themselves

I feel nothing. At the end of the bad days, I feel nothing. I am completely and utterly devoid of joy. I do not feel anything beside anger. A slow, seething anger. I want to feel something. Please just let me feel something

It was never enough for you was it?
All the time I gave for you to love me
The long nights where whispered in my ear
That it will all be worth it
That you will be happy if I just give you more
More, more, more
You promised it would be worth it all
Time was the price to pay for a brighter tomorrow
On the eves of trials
you told me I was worthless without you
That I was always destined to fail
That I was but a spec in the uncaring god that you were
That you had others, people you didn't hate
But I have to tell you know
I don't need you
My future is mine to decide
for rags or riches
I'm done with you

It's such a nice autumn day
It almost doesn't reekof decay
Such a warm October day
Ignoring the signs of the stagnant death surrounding you
The tress are so beautiful
They are turning earlier every year
It's such a thought to go outside and be free
Such a thought withering away like a leaf
It's the last warm sunny day of the year
For me, it's the last of the lifetime
This winter is going to be the grindstone this time
And wether I'll sharpen to a point
Or wither away  to grains
That will be the legacy I will inherit

I just need to walk across the room
All I need is to finish this report
then I can finally go to sleep
waking up to work
until you drop from the exhaustion
I started before everyone else this time
But they will all do better than me
as this is the unfairness of life
across the room and then I'll be done
across the stage and then I'll be done
I can't stand up
Sitting for days
All the answers are across the room
You'll find me in the corner

all alone in the tomes of knowledge
locked away on the quietest floor
sure, they say that we will meet up
I struggle to find the confidence to think they tell the truth
we said we would be here for hours
locked away in our own little worlds
this time it was supposed to be easy on me for once
maybe thats why I'm on the verge of failing out
when there is no friction
nothing to fight back against
even the strongest willed tigers turn to putty kittens in the hand of god
living the easy life of a failure
until its to late to escape the jaws of time and shame
knowing you can be so much better
but choosing not to be
thats what it meant
when they said I complicated everything

He stalks these silent halls
A shadow on the wall
Not haven been spoken to in hours
And not spoken in many more
Everyone left the void this time
Leaving behind the shadows of doubt
Room to room
Silence to silence
He doesn't remember the halls being this cold
Shivers all along the strong front
He stalks on
Hunched shoulders and all
Long gone are the thoughts of speaking
For he is a monster
If only in his own head
And monsters shouldn't speak
For fear of being found out

abiding the time I never had
Waiting for the tides to turn
In a war where I stopped fighting
In a place I stopped caring
High above the city
The weary vagabond sleeps
Waiting for his time to come
Day by day
Season by season
This wasn't the life he asked for
Wandering these halls instead
The worlds behind closed doors
We're supposed to be the concrete illusions
That he desperately needed
But the windows to the world
The real one this time
Are the only thing that he travels to

It's the showers where you can't feel the water
It's the times when you don't know here the water is coming from
It's the times you stand dripping wet
Numb to the cold air
Numb to the winter
Numb to your feelings
It's the showers after the long nights
Letting the water flow across your skin
You don't know how long it's been
Christ what did she look like?
It's the showers were you can't get out
Where you are so tired you almost fall asleep
That's where you'll find me
If you ever came looking

I think this has to be some sort of test
everyone in the family has to do well
its idiotic to say
but our lives are decided by this test
(and every test from now)
but thats the price to pay for being in the family
the constant thrill of almost being kicked out
the nights spent reading, studying the details of life
how we are supposed to work
and the part that applies infinitely more to the real world
how we aren't supposed to live
that a grain of salt in the wrong place
can cause the happiest of people to **** themselves
that the smallest nerve out of place
ends the careers of gods
we are supposed to know how to help those unfortunate souls
whose luck has run out
we are so lucky to be able to help them
until our luck runs out

1:30 on a Sunday night
That's when everyone found out the secrets about me
The lies I told
The ways I manipulated them

Look before I go to sleep and wake up back in the other me, I can feel him fighting me now, please you have to listen, I need to find you, I need to find you soon. I need to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me. I need to tell the truth and tell you all that I can't do this for much longer and that the things in my head are getting worse and I can already tell the other me is changing what I'm saying and please for the love of God, why God won't you help me, please I don't want to live like this, I can't live like this, I can't take this. I'm going to end up doing something stupid and I'm so afraid of what that might be. I'm so sorry Gavin. I'm sorry Andrew. I'm so sorry for admitting defeat. Oh god I need help. I can't recognize the man in my mirror. Why can't I remember what I look like? Why can't I just die and stop feeling so ******* sad. Why can't I just feel something please for the love of God please let me feel something other than anger. I'm sorry God, I'm so sorry for not believing in you, I'm sorry for all the people I hurt. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

Leaves falling to the ground
Papers falling into the void
I can't remember what they all say
Stories of a life long forgotten
and a future just beginning
shreds of a person
scattered in the wind
sometimes a few of the pieces touch
creating a new story
little bits of an incomplete story
constantly searching for the final pages
The writer just wants the story to end
its gone on to long
far, far to long

if  there was a way to get back home
to get away to sleep
to move out of this room
self seclusion is just as real as forced
the only difference is you are the jail and the jailor
but I need to do well on this exam
it seems thats all I ever think about anymore
and these words aren't supposed to reflect that part of me
and for that I am sorry

no matter the new look
no matter the new way of thinking
no matter how many times I'll say I starting over
no matter how many times I say I'm quitting
no matter the setbacks
no matter the successes
it was never enough
it will never be enough
because I refuse to let go
I refuse to see I to eye
I have to win this
No matter the friends
No matter the therapists
I have to beat this by myself
Because any other way
Would be fake in my eyes

In the highrise apartments
Looking out over the city
seeing the university life sprawled below
all the hearts weak in the knees
everyone breaking each others hearts
two of my best friends hooked up
its going to be a long few years
I feel bad i wanted them to fail
I feel so bitter that I helped them get together
I'm a sack of **** for not wanting my friend to be happy
but it ******* kills me whenever ever I see them
I'm a ******* monster

Quitting is a lot more than stopping
It's a lot more than throwing in the towel
It's a lot more than dropping out
A lot more than giving up
This right here?
What I'm doing
This is quitting

This is the natural born hero
With sins inside his own head
To much of a hero to let them out
To much of a martyr to not let people now
A sad life
A sad excuse for living
That's all I am
An excuse for sadness

Drunk on the party
Living in the moment
Never seemed so hard
Drunker than I've ever been.
Friends walking me home
Saying they are sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
For everything I've ever done
I'm drunker than ever
It's time I start acting like it

All along the eastern shore
Sand crashes along the ground
We spent too much time here
This was our retreat, our everything
Sandcastles in the rain
destined to fall before it was stand
time meant nothing for us
as every drop of water to the thirsty man
is like a waterfall to the full
as long as we had each other
we were so full of ourselves
thinking this world was only for us
that we were the king and queen
instead of the pauper and the ragged
we fell from the graces of a just god
we can barely remember those times
our castle in they sky

Midnight dreams roll around
Conversation floating in the sky
Every second spent alone
Every second with a friend
Night and Day
Odd things I've never seen
Feelings I've never felt
I can't help but feel that maybe some of these people genuinely care
They want nothing more than to see me be happy
And for once, I don't think there is an ulterior motive

The coffee is cold
Bitter flavors meet a ceramic dream
I can't remember if the coffee was bitter
or if it was supposed to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth
an empty page in front of me
filled with everything I've spent today doing
this is cup number five
this isn't the New York apartment we dreamed of
this was never the life we dreamed it would be
but if we could see how our life would turn out
we would be miserable before we started
still, for all the ups and downs
I never once thought that my life would turn out like this

Smoky air filled with acrid fruit
Persian landscapes were nothing but a dream
Metal pipes full of haze
Hookah bar is where we decided tonight
We jump around from place to place
Looking for anything that'll stick
Some reason to come back
Groups come and go
Filled with vaguely familiar ghost
Drunk on the adventure
Slowly dying out in the sun
When did the thirst to live
Become living to drink
When did the streets turn grey
When did our hearts grow cold
The blood is stagnating in this city
And I can feel the encroaching winter
I'm scared for this one
And wether or not we can make it

Red river lights flow
The tail-ends of conversation driving away
None of us really knew why we went to the roof
the parking garage always seemed to loom over us
we were all having a rough few weeks
we all got pretty sick
physically and not just mentally
we were felling better
so we took a walk
and so there we lay
staring off into the lights of the city
the others with me love each other
they sit next to me stealing glances
both to worried to talk about the past
too caught up in the present to know the future
we caught our breath on the roof
our worries were put on hold
as the blood light of the city
flowed on by

"I'm back,"
I whispered into the night
I lost myself
What was important to me before?
Not what I've been doing
To fake, to real
When everything changed to quickly
The only remedy for a broken heart
Was to fall in love
And continue the never ending cycle
When life moved to slow
and the mind races to fast
boredom with the interesting things
thoughts that wouldn't seem to fade
"I'm back,"
I whispered into the wall
drifting off to sleep
getting over a new sickness
and shedding off a new one
I lost something this summer
something I don't think I can ever get back
All I can do is move on
And promise to myself to never let the sickness back
I need to get the help I always needed

I'm back,
The real me this time
and for once, I am here to stay

Some friends gone to mass
some gone to the gym
some out to hike
I told them I was sick
and that I couldn't go
A lie naturally
I think I need a break from this place
I think I need to stop writing for a while
I need to find you
I'm going to take a break now
Catch up on some sleep
Maybe even go on a hike
to everyone that has been reading
Thank you
I feel so much closer to finding you

All night
Sicker than the day is blue
Not that anyone would notice
Side effect of hiding things for too long
Up with friends
Silly little games
You know how the story goes
Teams, random chance, competition
Some how I ended up next to you
I can't believe I'm about to say this
But I completely forgot about you
We spent a few weeks as friends
But then life got in the way
And the struggle carried on
Leading to the rememberence of those nights
Spent drunk
You were the only one who laughed with me
The one who actually understood all the jokes
Maybe the one who saw behind my glasses
A few hours next to eachother
Maybe we reconnected
Maybe we didn't
But the only thing that changed for tonight
Was that I remembered you
And what you meant to me

The scenes you'd never think you'd see
Even in a thousand lifetimes
The closest friends I have in this new place
Sobbing in their room
This wasn't supposed to be how tonight went
I was supposed to be the one sitting in the chair
Chest silently heaving, tears burning my face
I say it's going to okay
I've been there, I know what it's like
I say the same things they said to me
To make me feel better
Even though their words never worked
I feel so bad for them
They are such good people
That life just decided to ***** over
I'll do everything I can to comfort them
And walk strong with them in the morning
Survivors of this horrible night

Self seclusion is my punishment
For self imposed crimes
Sitting on a balcony
At a table made for two
The only reason I came back
Was because I was convinced I saw you
Wether you are already gone
Or I couldn't recognize you
I'm not sure
All I know is that for one second
I felt like my journey was over
Maybe I'll see you here again
And if I do, I can only hope I grow the courage to talk to you
Maybe I'm pathetic for not having that come easily
I'd probably agree with you
But that doesn't change the fact
That I'm sick of having a bag across from me
I'm sick of feeling the way I do
But more than anything else?
I'm sorry I haven't found you

We were barely starting our journey when it ended
Snuffed out, holding candles in the rain
Running from the rest of our lives
Anything to live and be free in the moment right?
Hand in hand, we ran so far away
Up and down the campus streets
Lined with rain?
Sure, but lined with life!
Alive with each other
the light behind each others eyes
Shouldn't have been compared to the streetlights
The concrete gods, angry at the pale skin pigs
who dared to defy their will
Slowly drained the light from your eyes
And no doubt you saw the same in me
And now that we meet in the moonlight
Our eyes only reflecting the earthen natural light
A pale imitation of what it used to be
We say goodbye for the final time
We cant pretend anymore
We can't try to be happy now
It's time to start living again
With no hands but or own

The air is saturated with an uneasy alliance
People stopped talking to everyone else
and everyone is splitting into groups
for better or worse
who is to say
The family is slowly falling apart
brothers against brothers
sisters against sisters
remember in the beginning?
when we all could stand each others company
yeah, maybe back then was full of heartbreak
but at least we could try and talk to fall in love
yeah, maybe we were all a little to fake back then
but that fear made us revealing ourselves so much more special
The family is slowly falling apart
And the ones like me are the only ones
Who dared to pick up the parts

I need help
Those thoughts that you aren't supposed to have
The ones they give you pills for
Are starting up
And sometimes I find myself listening
And I'm scared I'm spiraling out of control
I'm scared of being alone
I'm scared of being alive
I've pushed everyone so far away that no one can tell there is a problem
They just see what I want them too
I'm too afraid of letting the world see me weak like this
I'm so afraid that I'm one bad day away from doing something I don't want
The episodes before this were few and far
Now I've never stopped having one
I've been felling this way for three months
I need help before its to late
I need to find you before its to late

This shouldn't be happening again
These nights sobbing
The hours just staring off into space
The only difference this time
Everyone I'd ever turned too is gone
Sure, I could call them up
But it's 2:30 and I've lost touch with most of them
And it's all my ******* fault
I was only with them a few months ago
I thought I was so miserable back then
But I can only wish that someday I'm half as happy as I was back then
I don't think anyone of them would recognize me now
I'm a shell of my former self
I was a good person with them
Or at least I attempted to be
How would they recognize me
When j can't stand to forgive myself for my sins
Three months...
I've hurt, manipulated,and destroyed people
I can't get close to anyone
Not after what I've done to everyone
So I'll lay here
Home for the weekend when I easily click have stayed
Trying to hide my problems from my parents because they have more important things going on right now
Dead silent, as anyone I would go to
Anyone who would tell me that it's going to be okay
Is our living life
And forgot about the kid who tried to forgot about them

Let the pitch black room comfort me
Another wasted semester
Spending too much wasted
And wasting away to much
All the talks didn't help
The pills never felt more *****
Even when they kick in
I don't recognize the man I've become
And the pills are making me sad
And the sadness makes me want more pills
And I need to get away
Stop swallowing these poison
I need to go to New York
And I need to find you

Slowly falling out of sync
The hands are no longer aligned
We lie awake at night
Asking why we did the things we did
We look into each others eyes
And recognize only the memories of the person
Drifting all alone in the universe
We thought we were lucky to find someone else
And we were for the longest time
Until your eyes stopped reflecting the stars
And the gravity of the situation tore us away