for the last time you said goodbye
you never told me what made your voice so odd
goodbye, you can't get rid of me that easily
but the joke died in the winter air
and it sounded not as warm as it should
you never did tell me just how much you were dying inside
and I never did tell you just how much I cared

And honey
Oh honey,
The songs on the radio
Are just your words in a different voice
And the wind tickling my skin
Is just your voice carried from so far
And the bitter coffee
The reason why I'm doing so well here
Is just your dark humor flowing out of the cup

And honey
Oh honey,
The pillows just don't feel the same without you
And these warm winter days
Seem just as cold without you in my arm
The nights seem just a bit darker
And the future a little bit less clear
Without you now

And honey
Oh honey,
The beating of my heart
Is just you whispering that is wasn't me
And the pain in my chest
Is you breaking the glass that resides there
And water ruining your mascara
Is just the mask you gave me
And the words flowing like the sweet taste of alcohol
Neither of us really want to remember do we?

Honey
Oh honey,
The car seat was as soft as your hand
And the wind in my face
Was being in your presence
And the headlights from other cars
Was your peircing glaze
And the cold in my heart
Was the last thing I have to remember you bye

I guess this really never was worth it
And in the end
I was a fool for thinking I was anything greater
Than the dirt we came from

Maybe it's the residual hangover
From a two day binge talking
But I see your presence a lot
It's hard not to in today's world
And sitting here writing this I am swaying
And every part of me wants to drink tonight
The last three times I have I have ended up sobbing in a corner
With people saying
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry
Where was I going with this?
Right, right
The residual drunkness brought on by a hangover
And the little hints you leave
I'm not sure if they are for me to find
Or maybe you are doing what I do
Or more than likely
You aren't doing any of those things
And I'm so desperate for something
Anything
From you
I'll turn the most menial of things into a mental scavenger hunt
Because it is noon on a Saturday
I have just woken up
I have a hangover
And I have lost all control of my life
Without you

Sometimes its in the eyes of people you meet
Just a small spark in their eye
or maybe the way the walk while being relaxed
something about them lets you know
that they are done
these people are completely and utterly done
too many bad days at work
too many broken hearts
not enough of the things that keep them going
and yeah maybe I've been struggling a bit these last few months
(its funny how I put weeks and years in for months and all are right)
What with you being in my life, and school really doing its best to knock me down
but...
but that shouldn't have been enough to give me that look
I'm not done
I can't be

Why can't I remember what your face looks like

Looking around the web
trying to find a way to publish
and I started to think of what name to use
and I remembered I gave you
The Blue Scarf
and I know I'm Blue Flask now
but ****, did that scarf mean something back in the day
and hopefully it wasn't all in vain
but yeah, I'm looking around to publish
thanks for everything folks
I wouldn't be looking if you are didn't read these words
so thank you all

Hey
I know it hasn't been long since we talked
But Life has been speeding up a lot recently
or maybe its just going the same speed
either way
It was a lot easier with you
and I can't help but feel like I am making you unhappy
and sometimes late at night
I wish that this right now would just end
And I don't know what I mean
Us, the Break, or this Life
sometimes all three
and I am afraid
in the dead of night
that you are to good of a person
and that this break is your way of ending it
and I'll be sitting here in a few months
wondering why I went through all this ******* pain
when I knew how it would end right now

Are you looking at the snow?
Did you put your hand on the glass
and feel the coolness begin to creep into your skin
the same as me
Did you spend the day working
doing whatever you can to distract yourself
from your own problems
are you thinking of me now?
and what has happened?
and the same sadness that I feel
I can't remember what you look like
We always used to joke about how bad my memory was
But now I can't remember the mouth that told those jokes
Those eyes that looked into mine
and understood how this all works

I am having a startling moment of clarity
One in which things are becoming abundantly clear
I am not happy
I have never been happy
Things just offer a temporary way to alleviate the boredom
I suppose maybe thats my problem
I'm doing everything I can to be happy while forgetting the important part
To be happy
I'm not sure where to go from here
All I know is that I don't really want to do this anymore

I'll be the first to admit I'm drunk
And that I could probably be drunker
And I'll also be the first to admit
That my life has progressed to a point
Where I can't be happy even now
I can feel the room shaking
It's almost like its anticipating something big
The room is just waiting for life to be breathed into it
Yet here I sit
A spirit that can't provide for the room
I'm not really able to provide for anything these days
But that's a problem for another day
For now before I black out
I can just try and look for the few fleeting moments of happiness I have

I know you need this
The thinking part of me knows this
I think we both see how things would have ended if it wasn't for this
We just talked for the first time since we went on this break
A quick check in
and you said you really needed this
and I know you meant
that you can be better know
and in the future we can be happy
and I know you said that this wasn't my fault
that this is just how life goes
But my heart whispers in the night
If I was a better guy I'd still be able to talk to you
If I was strong enough to bear our collective pain
then I wouldn't be worried about all of this
At the end of the day
I am having trouble accepting that I just wasn't good enough
I'm never good enough

I think we can both sit down and say
This is good for us
This will make us better in the future
We will go through the tunnel of hardships
Alone
And come out the other side
And be together
I think we can both sit down and say that
But I've had enough conversations with God recently
Spent to many hours driving across the earth
I know how this story will end
I know when we see eachother again
Things will be different
You won't feel the same way
Or maybe we will get back to normal
But drift apart after a time
You, in your infinite kindness
Have a small spark of life in an otherwise dead heart
And God, in his infinite wisdom
Took this now Luke warm heart
And told me no
That I'm not allowed to be happy
You were the closest I ever got
And even though you say this isn't my fault
And that we will see eachother at the end of the tunnel
I know how things like this turn out for me
And I hate how I will put myself through months of this mental hell
Just for a shot to be happy

I'm not sure if I want you to think about me
And the heartache associated with it
And the fondness for the future
Or if you shouldn't think about me at all
And focus on making the present better
But forgetting what we were
The only thing I know
Is that I didn't think I'd be this cold
On these warm winter days

On the day I reached this milestone
I said I'd start looking to publish
But I was content knowing you were some of those views
And know that things are silent  between us
I can only care about you reading all these words again
And figuring out what I mean
when I write about you
I am tired already
But I know this is for the best
serious casual
I never knew what you meant by asking that
I wonder if I answered wrong
And thats why things happened the way they did

So you drunken fools
Want to know the story of us
After what just happened
Yes yes remember the good times
The first time we met
The other first we had
Yes ask me to remember
And make my heart ache
You drunken fools
Why would you do this

When I was younger
I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to be the main character
this was for a lot of reasons
the two biggest ones were that
I never really felt important enough to anyone to be a main character to them
and main characters usually had happy endings, something that as my life continues on seems to elude me
Sometimes I get the silly idea that this is my destiny
Holed up in the upper layers of a library
Furiously typing these words in order to avoid doing real work
Writing about how I'm not allowed to be happy
That every time I get close to to love or happiness
life gives me a giant *******
and I retreat to the only place where I matter
A lone room in the uppermost floor of a library
But that can't be the case?
I mean, everyones allowed to be happy at some point right?
I can't go through my whole life like this, can I?
I get something for these years of hell
please
please I just want this pain to go away
I don't want a lot out of life
I just want to be happy
Please God or whatever is listening to this
I'm sorry for everything I've done
I'm done with all of this
Please just let me live in peace
Let me be normal
I'll do anything you want me to
Just tell me what to do to be happy
Please
I can't keep going for much longer

See know, thats the big secret
at the end of the day
we are all just a set of characters in a book
we share the same story as so many other people
too many others
so many that no building would be able to contain all of them
and when you see this secret
its not a big step to see how your story will end
so when you say these words
words that have been said with nothing but bad outcomes
I can't help but dread this time around

Misanthropic identities long past
Gravestones resting high in the sky
Size of the grace given to them
Is the same as the value of the lives thrown away
Past and future hopefuls
Able to dream and be free
Locked away in the middle of the night
These people whisper about their misanthropic ideals
And the walls will listen
As no one else dares to disturb the silence
Brought on by a mad man sobbing

The whispered words
only heard by the darkness
on the verge of a deep sleep
brought on by the exhaustion
sprinting this part of the marathon
three words was all it took for things to change
accidental confirmation of feelings
long overdue confessions
but still much too soon
the secrets that me and the dark hold
bind us together in a brotherhood of time

I'm afraid I might be
One of those constantly sad people
If always been sad
Because I never had a reason to be happy
Now, I have reasons to be happy
And I'm still sad
What's a man to do when he is dying of thirst
And can't drink the water right in front of him
Please, someone tell me
I didn't think I needed help
But these days are getting longer than they should
These moments of clarity are getting shorter
And I can feel myself slipping into the darkness
Day after day

Today I got to be the face of the world
Or at least my world anyway
And the world I left behind
Is crumbling without my presence
The gravity taking her away
And without her here to balance me
I feel as if I am going quite crazy
Why is my fuse so short
Why do I need to be alone all the time
When did I stop being happy

Crestfallen snow falling in the city
Giving its life to try and be
The stars they so desperately want to be
Falling to the once again barren ground
Confused why it can't give life
Only take it
They want to be like the stars
We are children of star dust
But the rapidly falling snow
Doesn't understand it's true purpose
Until the grounds rise to accept it
It's only through this cycle of death
That the stars can shine just a little bit brighter
And so when the proud snow collapses in
On its own weight
(Becoming so much like a star)
(Although it won't know this)
The proud snow
Can do its duty with a smile

Sometimes I look out the window
Far our across this sprawling city
And I think maybe it'll all be alright
I wish more days were like today

sometimes life is a note left on the mirror
saying sorry I had to run
there were some last minute errands to come up
and you tear the note up
take out all the anger you have for the leaver
and then when you are done
you take the pieces and put them back together
and put in back on the mirror
and when that day runs late
and they still aren't back
you take the note with you
to do the errands

It's just when you think you've done it
just when you feel you are finally ready
to put down the sad books
the slow melodic songs
the darkness that won't go away
It's right when you find a beacon
and have been using it for a while
That when you get close to it
The beacon turns off
and you don't know how you lasted in the darkness
without that little bit of light
to guide you through

the lights are off
and the city is cold
the bottles are empty
and the people are distant

the comforts of home are a dream
I miss the smell of you
laying in my bed
the thought
of the lines that make up your face
slowly drifting away  

These words are flowing yet again
and this time I know I'm lost in the darkness
moving away from the lake
away from the only lighthouse I've known

How readily one can push aside
the mere thoughts of great struggles
when someone else less deserving of them
is put on the line
When the trials begin to ramp up
and you don't think you can make it
I just want to be able to say
I stuck out a hand

Why is it that when the call ends
my mind is always blank
I can think of a thousand words
I'd like to immortalize you with
Some legacy to leave behind on this rock
But every time I'm close
to finishing the next line
The first line
It never has been good enough
Call me a writer right?
That means nothing to the one
who can't form a sentence of comfort
for fear of the truth falling out

sometimes changing the bed sheets
takes more work
than a year of university
sometimes breathing in air
takes more effort than
holding it together
sometimes being alone
even if its what you need
is harder than being happy

I hope it's beautiful where you are
That you can look up at the sky and not worry
These are trying times
And someone like you doesn't deserve that
You deserve the world at its best
What a rotten gift
Atop this blue marble
One of us sits and writes these words
And the other lays and reads
Seperated by a duty to betterment
Promises that a different man made
I hope you can look at the moon
And know I'm looking too
I hope you can feel this cool winter air
And know I'm shivering too
I hope you know that I'm missing you
And I hope that you are missing me

Ironic isn't it
The eyes looking back today
We're the same eyes I hate to look at
Ones filled with anger
With a hatred for those living
Harsh eyes
The smooth lines sharpening
The bags growing just a bit darker
More pronounced
The scowl slowly becoming permanent
I can't even say I wish this would stop
Because I didn't see it until the gallows
We're upon me
The noose drawn around my neck
You never notice the things you wish you never did
Until it's far to late
To even wish to change them

Here we are once again
the prodigal ******* son returns
these days were over
weren't they?
surrounded by people
huddled up in a corner
wrapped in on myself
to get any heat I possibly could
out of this rapidly failing body
I've reached the point in my life
where I'm not sure if this side of me
or the happy side of me
is the real one
To anyone
the happy side should be the real one
When I am the happiest
sometimes I find myself wishing I was here
where I am right now
Sometimes I need to let the darkness in the light
take me away for a little bit

Back from the dream we lived
back into the city
concrete walls rose to meet me
these are my friends
they were that before the dream
weren't they?
back into a world I can no longer recognize
I'm tired already
tired like I was before I slept
I just want to dream again

This wasn't how it was supposed to be
These feelings of sadness and wrongness
Deep down inside
Constantly persisting on my waking moments
I wish there was something I could do to help
But I don't think we will talk about what happened
I don't think that we will for a while
And now I'm going away
And I already miss you
And I already wish I had stayed

I'm going to be stuck here for a long time
I gave up a lot to make others happy
I spent my happiness when I didn't have any to spend
I wanted to travel the world
To spend nights curled up
Next to a roaring fire and you
And watch the stars move over head
Nothing on my mind but the dull glow
Of the cheap cinnamon whiskey
But I don't think that can happen now
I can't go more than a few minutes
With life catching up
All the things I gave up
I thought it was for so much more
The path I carved in my life
The oaths I promised to my darkest parts
The dreams that kept me going
You were only ever supposed to be dreams
So why is it so hard to say goodbye

Flying over these peoples life's
Lights running like liquid gold
Across the cold shell that we made it to be
Rivers running like black blood
Through the artificial grounds
Those lights down there
Passing by thousands of lives
These lights are were everything has been made
All the first memories of love
All the happiness we feel
The days spent curled up with one another
The deaths of those before their time
The last goodbyes parting cracked lips
The salty bitter taste of tears gone bad
Lithe little lights running around
Carrying these memories around
High above the cloud tops
The little golden lights
Dancing in the fading eyes
Sleep now
Sleep to forgot

I'd like to think
I thought about something
other than the radio station
in your funeral procession
I'd like to think
I was more worried about
the family you left behind
than my own **** problems
I'd like to think
That we can see you again
But I think its a bit to late
To say goodbye

I told You not to read these anymore
(I did do that didn't I?)
I'm not sure what you are going through
I just know I'm trusting you with a lot here
You have something of mine that I didn't know
That I never dreamed of having
And it's young and new
Please don't **** it before it can live
I'm real messed up too
So many lies and manipulations
I begin to forgot that there was a real me
There was a real me wasn't there?
Some sick part of me wants this to end badly
That you will say you are just to nice a guy
I don't want to hurt you
So I can write about the injustice of the universe
That good guy that was to good
It's pathetic
But maybe the dark parts that molded me into that decision
Are no longer heard
Maybe I just want to be happy
Maybe the thought of you saying that is so much worse than I would've thought
That maybe trusting someone on a glass heart wasn't a good idea
Some genius I turned out to be

I can feel that part of me dying
The poet in me is leaving
These words a solemn record to what was
And to what always could have been
Say your goodbyes to the past
And begin to get nervous for tomorrow
The tears are gone
The will is gone
The blue period is gone
The time to live
Has finally arrived

Dreams of childhood dementia
Castrated from ones own mind
Self delusions of a grandeur time
When the flames are snuffed around you
You never do realize where that horrid disease lays
Apathy is the killer of death
And the givingness of life
It rules over all of time
But allows single iotas to roam free
When this familiar world crumbled
I wanted to be remembered for something
Other than my silent gaze
And my hollow words
I'm sorry I can't care more
I'm sorry I couldn't I couldn't care enough
Because now you are gone

Waving goodbye
Walking away from another night
I won't see you for a long time
Going across the states you are
Away from this little dreary town
When you come back everything will be better
We can carry on being happy
Until then

I think now I can breathe
And finally accept the good life
Maybe give this whole affair a new shot
We are both pretty messed up
For different reasons of course
You and your past
Me and my future
Sometimes we are on oposite sides of the coin flip
Sometimes we are closer than two hearts can be
But we were always there for eachother weren't we?

I can't honestly say I know what to do now
I feel like I've woken from a dream
And I thought that what I was feeling was happiness
I'm stuck right now
In a state of grey amalgamation
Different parts of me fighting for control
But this was about you wasn't it
But I made this about me
And that's the only thing I know how to do
I don't know how to make you happy
I don't know how to make me happy
I'm sos sorry

The cups falls
pouring the saved contents abound
another mess for someone else to clean up
I'm not sure what happened
more than the normal amount this time
I can't really say I know what to do
this is different than the last time
I didn't make it happen this time
Out of the fog the inky words crept
across the land
I don't know what to do at this point
I never know what to do at this point

I suppose this is what you signed up for
Going out with the depressed poet
although it certainly could never be your fault
no, not this time
sometimes accepting the truth is harder than living the lie
I cause you a lot of problems
long winded text at random times
always saying I'm not sure whats going on
I just feel like some part of me is constantly really sad
and then you are a good person
and you want to help
but me being the depressed poet
need more things to wright about
always and forever
and so therein lies my darkest confession
how many times did I cause you to be unhappy
just so I could perpetuate the lie that I believe
give me something to wright about
and like the urchin I am
I'll latch on and feed until I need something else
...
I'd like to say I've never done that
I don't think I've ever tried to do that
I'm worried I do it a lot
Sometimes I think I'm so fare out of control
that I can't really ever be sure of what I do



I just want this to stop
I just want to be happy

Wallowing in the same old self pity I promised I locked away
The same rough language from back then
flowing like the torrential thoughts
I used to swear that somewhere under all this water
I would find myself
I'd get a find every so often
a new suit I could wear for a while before it no longer fit
maybe it was the way it dried
maybe it was because it just wasn't me
I stopped looking for anything in the water
Even if I were to exist in those murky depths
I don't think I would ever find anything than some old suit to try on

lost from the albums
of but what about
or but they are
or they aren't so
hidden in the city's newfound mist
lie the secrets to the happiness you always wanted
creatures in the dark
blindly searching for the next
struggling to recall your face
and the feel of your hand in mine
its going to be a cold night
and this fog is suffocating the life from this city

these last couple of days have been hazy
putting in the hours is what I'd like to say
but I think I just needed to let go for awhile
a lot has changed recently
good and bad
not enough has changed it seems
that would make things to easy I suppose
I think I found the key to happiness
and because no one I know reads this
I can speak freely can't I?
Happiness is stoically denying happiness
so you can never feel sad
Joy is the missed opportunities in life
countered by the promised whispers of next time
Depression and ecstasy are two sides to the same coin
the tightening of the chest
the worry about when it will end
the cold feeling that freezes you into place
I'm not sure which is worse
If I have been happy this entire time
Or if I am depressed now

This is what this is like
Waking up in your arms
This is what this is like
Blacking out drinking
This is what it was like last night
Thinking I was dreaming
This is what I thought
Holding you close
This is what I needed
To keep the darkness at bay
This is what I always wanted
To feel you next to me
This is the life I worked for
The happiness I don't deserve

This isn't for you any longer
and I need you to understand that
this is no longer for you
these words served their purpose
and for the time they did
you weren't a part of my life
but now that you are
these words are still here
they just no longer want to talk about you
they no longer whisper to me about you
they no longer need you
now?
they need to describe something new

sincerely,
to you

Drunk on the things that make life worth it
and maybe some alcohol too
you came into my life like a storm
and here is the eye
moments of clarity unclouded by you
make me remember who i was
how could i have been so sad all the time
how could i have forgot to live
you make me feel so alive
you brought me back from the brink