Seeing red again.
That eloquent drip
The first slice of skin.
Seeping sorrows syloquently sedudct me.
I dont want to exist in this universe
Anymore.
I'm surviving,
Purely
Out of spite.

Stuck in between
Sleep
And dreams.
This life I have
Is but a grain of sand.
Tiny.
Insignificant.
Dot.
And I'm floating in space
Again.
Memorizing the stars
Escaping my view.
So maybe I'll be able
to find my way back home.
To you.
Dead trees
I still have planted roots.
And I'm swaying in bed
To the drums in my head.
Grasping bed sheets
Gasping breaths.
Until that final
Sweet release
The last beat.
The last inhale
Of smoke.
Choking on black tar.
Black lullibies.
Singing songs
To me.
As I circulate
Back to self
Body bruised.
Heart destroyed.
Soul,
Nonexistent.

Displaced.
No memories relevant, none forgotten, nothing remembered.
A search for sleep.
A search for reality.
Wake up
Wake the **** up, little bee.
Time to open your eyes and see.
Conform.
Rise.
Fight
Flee.
Away, away, away.
Never to look back.
You'll never be free.
Shine in your discovery
Run from inevitable destruction.
Run into the arms of deceit and let downs; suffering is second nature.
Don't fool yourself, kid.
I'm always naive to the word use.
Use, use, used.

Falling asleep in a dark corner of a mess.
Distress signals.
Distress signs.
Can I be your witness?
Blue is all I see
Glowing.
Don't take that from me.
And blue, it shines it's light on everything
On everything bright.
I'm ******* bright.
I glow.
I shine.
The gates of heaven are opening up their arms to me.
I fly every day.
Just knowing the universe saved me.
I'm alive.
I'm breathing.
Untouchable,
Unstoppable
Unencompassed.
Time to make another u turn.
React.
Retract.
Relapse.

I felt sick, so I cut out my stomach.
Hoping that the nauseous feeling would cease.
I felt like crying, so I cut out my eyes.
Because showing emotion just doesn't suffice.
I felt like speaking, so I slit my throat.
Because choking on blood is better than choking on word *****.
I felt my heart; the strings inside, breaking.
So I let them rip, and tare a hole in my chest.
And it wasn't the lack of being able to eat, or see, or breathe and speak that even came close to killing me.
Feeling killed me.
That which feeds your entirety, when broken, has the power to end lives.

Finger on the trigger
Freedom, run, or?
Is there another option?
Before I turn to drugs to solve my problems.
**** the noise with the bullet
Playing Russian roulette.
As if that will solve it.
The solution is clear.
Save yourself from inevitable fear.
Every time I close my eyes.
I despise myself.
Check myself, before I wreck myself.
Truth is I don't give a **** about no one else.
You think it's easy to see the things I see?
Ptsd, and i haven't even served a war in another country.
Nah, I just get ****** in my dreams.
Waking up, holding back my screams.
Endless cycle looking for a way out.
How the **** do I end this now?
In too deep, no way to sleep.
Pray for life, my soul to keep.
Stepping on these stones, one foot in front of the other I'm like a drone.
The light will surely guide me home.

Why did you choose to swoop in and prey on me?
I am but a bee, relearning to fly; never managing to learn how to use my stinger.
Which is why I always starve.
I can't feed the queen.
I can't feed myself.
I run in the colonies of those who do just fine alone.
But I surely can not be.
I was learning.
I was learning to move my little bee feet, and learning to buzz on flowers to eat, and especially learning how to flow my wings with the breeze.
You were helping me.
And then one day you decided, that it just didn't matter if I knew how to eat, or fly, or even survive.
You just left in the blink of an eye.
That's honestly the day I said **** it and died.

You know what?
*******.
I may have liked your small ****.
But you're still a ******* *****.
Words speak volumes.
Or the lack thereof.
I hope you read this and ******* *****.
You're gonna read this ten years from now.
And remember how I swallowed your kids.
You're gonna remember how I rode your ****.
You're gonna remember how I let you eat my ****.
You're gonna remember the four hour long ****** sessions spent inside me.
And I hope it makes you think how though you got inside me, you never really got inside.
You never even knew me.
You saw what I show everybody.
And if you really think that you ******* mattered,
Well, I'm not a liar.
Because ten years from now
I'll still ******* taste you on my lips.
And spit out the word fool.
Because I am a paradoxal universe.
But fool is how I feel.
All those talks felt so surreal.
You knew I was ****** from day one,
So why did you **** me?
Or, rather, why did I let you?
Why did you ask for deep meaning things?
Are you in to mind fuckery?
I hate that I can't take back the parts of me that I gave you.
And my chest hurts from thinking about you all the ******* time.
Leave my mind.
I'll never get back that time.
You jumped off the roller coaster ride.
Before you even won the prize.
But that really comes as no surprise.
I guess it's a let down, thinking I saw a different side.
Seeing in different light.
Lessons are learned from everything hurtful we try to hide from our minds.
Just ******* stop already.
Because I can't move in halves.
I can't breathe in halves.
I can't be in halves.
I need a whole friendship, if anything.

Substantial substance.
Trying to conquer the divide.
Nothings right.
Losing you was the worst thing in my life.
I need you to be alright.
I wish I could feel you.
Explosions in the sky.
Look me in the eyes.
Stare into my soul.
Tell me all those ******* years weren't meaningful.
You still hold my heart.
Tight hands,
Steady grasp.
Encompassing my world.
Your name speaks volumes.
I can't talk about it.
I can't breathe.
Vomiting from dark things.
I've turned to the worst
Overpassing time.
Time wasted
On memories.
Lost.
It's all ******* lost.
Searching through darkness.
Dead forests
And dead trees.
Branches buckling
Under my feet.
Searching.
Yearning.
Where are you?
My heart drops
Every time our eyes meet.
**** the past
Begin again.
Just love me for who I am.
I promise
I promise
I'll never let go.

Boom
Boom
Boom
Shots of shots
Down throats.
Burning.
Yearning.
Hide your guts.
Hide your ******* feelings.
Everything is meaningless,
And forgettable.
Like words unsead.
Naked in bed.
Get up and dust yourself off.
Just another notch.
Just an her notch.
You're not the first to be tasted.
Bruises only last so long.
Sing a song.
Sing a song
Of life without you
Without you.
Everything feels wrong
It's wrong.
It's wrong dude
I don't know how to carry on without you.
Just tie me down.
Tie me up.
I give up
I give up.
I give up.
I wish I had the ******* strength
To end my ******* life.
Here's to a life full of wishful behavior.
Never really getting what you want.

So here it lies
A story to tell
Of a distraught past
Posing as a way to the future.

You lifted me up
Only to tear me down
You wiped my tears away
Only to be the cause

I have no one to blame but you.
I have no one to blame but myself.
I have no one to blame.

Do you think I'm pretty when I cry?
Staring death right in the eyes.
Moving mountains with the screams inside.
Does it scare you that I'm not afraid to die?

How many of you would like to know me?
Because I'm an open book, and that has been said to be a crime.
But I can sit here and tell you about my life thus far, from a to z, all of the things that have haunted me.
A product of divorce.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Trauma consumes me.
And all I can do is just keep breathing.
Most days I'm thankful to do just that.
To open my eyes.
To realize.
And acknowledge the beauty in all things.
Drugs started me on falling in love with dead trees.
Getting on my knees and begging,
Please.
Please.
Don't think the words you speak about me.
17 to 26.
Packing concrete into a broken foundation, just for a quick fix.
Drunken mistakes.
Violent shakes.
Unpulled triggers.
All causing me to grow bigger.
Inside.
Inside.
Most times, always pondering why?
Most times wanting to ******* die.
Being willing canceled out the unwilling.
Times you search for deeper healing.
Deeper meaning.
Deeper ******* feeling.
And in the end, all you ever have is yourself.
You alone have to be good enough.
3 am thoughts.
Coping mechanisms can surely be taught.
But they don't ******* work.
Because I'm always left distraught.
What else have I to cover?
When I was a child, I used to hover.
Witnessing shadows beneath the covers.
And dead bodies really do get stiff and cold.
Never enough for anyone to just hold.
Binges of binges.
Lies untold.
Just trying to find another old soul.
Lies untold.
Solice in silence.
Two years a prisoner.
Suicide attempts,
And hospital beds.
Copious amounts of pills.
Provoking a complex
Of conformity.
Breaking free.
**** normality.
Opening eyes
But what do I see?
Is all of this really me?
It's not.
My depths go deeper than these words.
I soar higher than birds.
And you'll never really ******* know me.

It's not about the person who comes after you.
It's thinking there will actually be a person
after you,
because I can't fathom the idea of anyone
meaning as much as
you do.
You invade my brain.
I can feel you coursing through my veins. But I guess I need
to just face the plain and simple truth, that I have yet
to even meet 'you'.