This is what you wanted.
So stop holding back.
Why do you care what these people think of you?
We both know that you want the real California.
And you'll get there.
But this is where you wanted to start.
*Make it count.

I've learned so many things in life are temporary.
Hell even life is only temporary.
But right now I don't know whats temporary and what is permanent.
Maybe I'll never know.
But I'm going to keep looking until I find permanent.
And I know I won't find it tomorrow.
But then again I just might.

I've been almost, I've been so close.
But I'm not done yet.
Not until I wake up for a California sunrise.
Not until a plane ride to a land where everything is new to me.
Not until I stand on top of lady liberty and look out at the city.
Not until a ****** burger king lunch with a friend who won't remember me.
Not until I dance with the girl who doesn't think we'll meet.
Not until I prove to myself that the words I write can feed me.
No only when I can look back and smile at what I leave behind.
Will I accept my own defeat.

Its too late and I think I need a drink.
Something that will make my throat burn.
At this point I don't even care if its coffee or *****.
I just want to sit here and let my mind blur.
Flash me pictures of my past or give me a glimpse of the future.
Just show me something.
Because when I look out my window all I see is black.
Maybe that's what I need to see right now.
I guess that's okay.
Just like I guess 2500 miles isn't that far away.

Darling please leave me be.
I know its only been a week since I walked away.
But don't run after me.
You're better off running the other way.
Because I can't take you where I'm going.
You wouldn't like it there anyways.

Everyone expects me to know what to do.
I'm supposed to be the one who knows where he's going.
I'm supposed to be the one who will make everyone proud.
I guess we're all in for a reality check.
Because a year from now if I have it my way.
All those expectations will be disappear.
Just like the bridges I crossed to get here.

I want to walk out on my tin roof.
But I know I'll fall through.
Just like I want to help.
But I doubt you'll let me.
Just like I want to walk 2500 miles to see someone new.
But my feet won't let me.
Maybe I'll try the roof.

Every time I write a story or a poem I can see it in my mind.
Words become pictures and everything flows freely.
This must be why I'm crazy.

I don't even know why I stay awake anymore.
I suppose its because while everyone else is asleep I have time to think.
But when have my thoughts ever helped anyone?
They don't even help me.

I wander through my town in the same way I want to wander this earth.
Walking down every street silently observing waiving at familiar faces as they drive past.
I don't know how long I'll wander like this.
But I can only assume it will happen when I find a home better than a worn out pair of sneakers and an old leather jacket.

I knew this was coming I could feel it.
Whenever we were side by side I felt it could work, but we both already knew.
And that's okay because when I look up the sky is still blue.
The sun is still shining.
And yes I'll miss you, but I can survive.
This won't be like last time.

Because this isn't a trip to the past.
It's a whole new chapter.
And I wish best of luck to **you.

I pull the late shift at the business known as unemployment.
It doesn't pay well, but I sure do enjoy it.
Because while I may be broke it gives me time to let my words flow.
And it gives me the chance to go on my late night adventures.
And right now that's all I need from life.

She cried when I told her I didn't need her.
She said that she had a need to be needed (whatever that means).
And that she would feel better knowing I needed her to be happy.
And while I apologized for bringing tears to her eyes my answer didn't change.

Because I don't need another person to go on journey's with me.
Because I already have all I need to be happy.
And while I would love for her to come with me.
At the end of the day I know she won't.
Because soon she'll realize that she doesn't need me.
And that's okay with me.

It's incredible how far I've come to make it to right now.
All those times I should have died.
All the times when I thought my world could not go on.
But I haven't died my world keeps spinning.
And through all this madness the only earthly thing that I've found is certain.
Is that nothing is certain.
And despite this the world moves on and people move with it.
So I don't see why we can't be friends.

Darling does it hurt you to know how low our chances are?
Do you regret saying yes when I asked you to be with me?
Are you ashamed of all the Love you have shown to me?
If it does hurt don't worry because if we break it was meant to be.
My only prayer is that you can forget me.

My mind is tired, but my eyes cannot shut.
My hands want to write, but my soul cannot utter a word.
I did everything I could, but it wasn't enough.
So what does one do when he can't do anything.
I'm not sure anymore.
Because it seems I've spent so many days awake.
That I've forgotten how to sleep.

I'm a man nothing less.
But as such I am also nothing more.

My mind is filled with riddles I cannot solve.
Like why would a man fall in love when he knows it can ****.

My heart is like fire which means my words must be smoke.
This is why I hate their smell when they pour from my mouth.

Sometimes when I'm alone in my little corner of this world.
I think of all the horrible things I've done.
The bridges I've burned, the ignorant things I've said, the people I've let down.
And then I think of now of you and how soon you'll be one of those people.

But then the sun rises and I go to you.
And my blissful ignorance and unquestioning confidence sets in.
I enjoy living in these beautiful daydreams.
But now as I sit in this little corner I wonder if one day.
That these daydreams will become just that.

Merely a **Dream.

I cut open my own head to examine my thoughts.
"What the **** are you thinking you know this can't work"
But in reality I don't know.
In fact I don't know much of anything.
But one thing I do know is life is short.
And two years from now I'll laugh at myself for being so blind.
Assuming I make it that far.

I could have been single.
I could have left this town and never looked back.
But you got in the way of that.

And I Love you for it.
But it doesn't change the fact I'm leaving.
And as my last month approaches I wonder if this little summer fairy tale.
Will get a happy ending.

You are water and I am fire.
When I blaze with rage that can't be contained, you put me out.
And when you're cold and feel drained, I make you steam with lust.
And while we are different on so many levels.
But at our cores we are the same.

My life is a beautiful mixture of long walks, late nights, incredible people, loud music, and strawberry pop-tarts.
I guess that just goes to show, that waking up from a good dream.
Isn't always a bad thing.

We could be those runaway kids you see on milk cartons.
Leave this town flee to somewhere warmer.
Where the grass grows green and wild and the people accept us.
But she acts like I'm joking.
And I know she would rather stay in this little town with a little family.
And live a happy stable long life.
But I've already seen too much this world has to offer.
And I don't think I can be happy with that little bit.

But that is a poem for another day.
Because today I'm still here and so is she.
And today I like to think with a little convincing she could be.
My little Runaway.

I write down my thoughts so they can breathe.
Don't mistake them for poetry.
I write to prove to myself that even on days I awake with my own blood on my hands.
I still am sane.
Or at least something similar to that.
Because if I was truly sane I would hate myself.
And I grew tired of that many months ago.

Second place is where I make my home.
And sometimes I think "Maybe I could win?"
If only I was a little stronger.
If only I was a little smarter.
If only I was a little braver.
If only I was a little less me.

After today there is no other way to say it.
It doesn't mean I'm any less concerned if anything I'm more so.
Because now I have something to lose.
But it also means I have something to fight for.

Growing up he and I shared so much.
But he never felt like family.
Though we are of the same blood he never felt like a brother.
But I don't resent him for that.
I made my own family of just me.
And it may sound cold, but at the end of the day I'm the only human I need.
And for now that's perfectly fine with me.

She comes ever closer to me.
It seems like everyday I'm gripped tighter and tighter by her Love.
And I don't mind at all.
In fact the closer she gets the happier I've been starting to become.

But still closer the day comes when I leave this town behind.
I tell her that I'll come back to see her, that we can make this work.
But sometimes I wonder if the girl I once wrote to was right.

So as she grips tighter I brace myself.
Because I know first hand.
The tighter you grip the harder it is to let go.

My mind feels enclosed.
It's surrounded by walls that block my pen from its paper.
Perhaps its because I drew them there.
But whenever I draw a wall I always leave a door.
You seem to know how to enter my thoughts.
So next time we embrace would you mind leaving the door open.
So I can let all my thoughts run free.

I thought to myself as I watched lightning dance across the sky north of my town.
"They must be getting really pounded up there."
But where I stood it was dry and no lightning threatened my light night walk.
So I carried on.
I never really plan these walks, I've never wanted to.
And there is no doubt in my mind.
That everyone I know spots me from time to time.
Old friends, relatives to whom I rarely speak, the black lipped girl I used to write about.
And sometimes I wonder what they think of me as I walk along.
But then my mind jumps away to other thoughts.
And its not even that I don't care which is usually the case.
It's just because on my walks I never go backwards.

I never have truly liked myself.
Its why I work so hard to improve, but still I fall short.
But in your presence I don't think of my short comings.
Thank-you for that

You want me to say that four letter word and mean it.
But I don't know yet if that is true.
Forgive me for my caution you must understand.
The last time I said that word, it nearly ended my life.
I'm not dwelling on the past, but I need some time.
Because Love is one of the few things I give a **** about.
Another is you which is why I cannot hurt you by saying that word to soon.

Your arrogance has nearly burned every good bridge you own.
Their charred skeletons reek of *** smoke and betrayal.
Yet for some reason I'm still here.
But for how long.

If my life ceases to burn its wick in the year to come, I have two desires.
One that my body be burned and used to plant an apple tree.
So anyone who disliked me in life can still bite me.
And secondly that I be remembered not by my bad deeds nor my good.
But simply remembered...

How can you claim to be a child of a loving God when all you do is hate.
You take the flaws of those I care about and shove them in their faces.
But if I were to call you out on your actions you would spit venom back at me.
But if I'm hell bound like you say then I guess I'll see you there too.
I think I'll roast marshmallows over you.
Its not like I'll have much better to do.

I often question whether or not the choices I make are always the best.
But as walked down the street of a place I'll soon call home I feel relief.
And I think back to the pain it took to get here.
And ahead to the pain on the horizon.
But for once in my ******* life I feel this choice is one hundred percent right.
So let the pain flow on me.
Because I stopped running from it quite some time ago.

Sadness unidentified you're not even sure what is wrong.
Maybe it's just teenage hormones that you never tasted before me.
But I fear its more than that.
I fear your sadness is derived from my impending absence from your life.
Perhaps I was a tad selfish in thinking we could make this work.
But I know you and I know myself and both of us are far to stubborn.
To let us go with out a fight.

I am the best at making mountains out of mole hills.
I rip my ideas up and start fresh, but in the end nothing works.
Maybe I should follow my friends path and sell pills.
Or maybe rob some poor grocery store clerk.
I bet I could outrun the cops.
Maybe I'll go live on one of those mountains I made.

I once had goals.
Now they're bigger.
But these goals of mine offer only one thing to those I care about.
Pain.
But if I don't make my own path I would bring myself the same.

Forgive me for my selfishness.

High school.
I'll never miss the building.
And I'll only miss a few of the people in it.
To one of those people, if our paths don't cross again before I leave this town in dust.
I wish you best of luck.

Here I stand with both friend and foe.
Both those who ridiculed me for my preference of solitariness.
And those who stood by me when I needed them.
We all stood on that stage as we were handed what we worked so hard for.
A piece of paper that merely says congratulations on graduating.


Some cried, some danced, some just were too overwhelmed to even speak.
But not me.
I wasn't excited or overjoyed.
I was numb to this experience.
Not because I'm not relieved its over.
I suppose this was never truly important to me.

And that is okay.
Because now I know what is important.

Rain drops bounce off my roof breaking my usual silence.
Its nights like these as I breathe in the muggy summer air that I wonder.
Why am I meant for?
To write?
To entertain?
To teach?
To help?
Then I remind myself that it doesn't matter why I'm here.
Because when it comes down to it in reality I have only minute.
So I might as well enjoy the time I have.
**Right?

We are a mighty band of misfits.
Riding out through no where on a hot summers day.
With our pale skin cooked and our tired eyes barely slits.
Merely to hear bands we've come to Love play.

Now I sit in my room surrounded by darkness and silence.
But for once I think I would rather be somewhere else.

I would rather be with you wrapped in each others arms as you doze on my chest.
I want to sit there with you as you frantically put on lipstick.
Because my mouth made yours turn purple.
I want to sit on your couch and watch silly movies and listen to your laugh.
I Love my dark corner it helps me to think and prepare for my next adventure.

But you my darling are beginning to overtake my thoughts even now.
Still I don't want to rush this because that is not how my heart works.
Still I can't help but wonder what it would take.
To make your body intertwine with mine.

I like talking to you late at night.
It's when my mind feels sharpest surrounded by darkness.
While yours becomes a fun house for your sleep deprived mind.
It was during one of these moments you pulled my face to yours.
And pressed your lips to mine.

What gives someone the right to cause another pain.
To shout hateful things at me and her.
Because she left you.
And because she chose me.
I understand the pain, but you've gone too far.
Its for her sake I'm not tracking down your home now.
Because she has learned to calm my rage.
I was once in your shoes only a few months ago.
And I'll be the first to admit I may have overstepped then.
But never to this level, I never insulted her or her honor.
No matter how upset I got.
But you intend to go even further.
You want me to pay.
I say bring it on *****.
My demons want to play.

You asked me why I chose you.
Out of everyone why did I single out you to be the one.
Its because whenever I'm with you I can just smile and forget.
My past, my future, my pains, my faults.
You bring me a joy that I haven't felt in a while.
That is why I chose you to be the one whose lips I shall press with mine.

You accepted me.
Despite all my faults, my young rage, my corruption, my demons.
You accepted me.
But more than that you still desired me.
And I don't know exactly how this will all work out.
But I'm done over-thinking it.

I'm not bothered by the heat.
In fact I Love it.
I soak it in make it my own.
It gives me a sense of comfort, but also a sense of power.
Maybe that's why I have a love affair with fire.

Peace is uncommon to me.
Its a commodity I rarely had growing up.
But its all I feel now.
I always thought peace meant standing still.
But it isn't because I'm in constant motion.
I've learned that peace at least for me.
Is being able to forgive my past, but also move on.
And be excited for my future, but not stress myself on the details.
For me peace and happiness are one in the same.
And right now your smile is what brings me peace.