the
sun
rose
in
my
head
and
i
felt
differently

The night was long
And the stars were singing softly as the moon danced around them
I could feel the air
Entering my body
I couldn't feel my feet touching the ground
Maybe I was flying
Flying in the air
All alone
With my acid thoughts
My mind was exploring
My eyes grew
And felt my eyes were turning like the  earth
I saw myself in a reflection
I barely recognized myself
Music was becoming a part of me
And I understood how it worked
Water slowly dripping down my ribs
A waterfall in my body
Who was I
Only my heart knew
... Morning came
And the sunrise was beautiful
I could almost drink it....

my brain is laughing
and i am triping the light fantastic
and i wish you trip the light fantastic with me
but i saw you grooving  with another man
...to bad i guess
i'll just dance under this light
that keeps me moving

I know your mind is tired

Stressed out
Worn out

I know your heart is weak
But so strong
The things you have experienced
I wish you weren't alone in those times

Shaky
But you still manage to smile so beautifully

I know you were meant to find me

And I was meant to make you, your heart , your brain...smile

I am your dopamine

I have always hated the thought
Of living forever

As I grow older
I see how how much
I do wanna live forever
With my mother and  my sister
My father and most of all of my baby girl

I talk to my family that lives far from I
And it saddens that some of them are closer to death

Death how horrible

Wouldn't it be better if we could decide when to die

God or not ?
Why have I found myself
Questioning my own beliefs

1st month

Janurary 2013:

Snowing like hell, and the cold still eating out my bones
I still lingered on a bit of sadness, of the past
But i was better.
My best friend tried to **** himself
i said to him "Dont to that man!"
he apologized and said he never do it again
"You better not! now lets play some games, you idiot."
i smiled
he smiled and sat his in chair and i sat in mine.
I got a new haircut
with the sides of my head shaved
i looked like a mushroom
i liked it, wondered if it changed the thoughts of people bout me.
She still talked to me, though  i didnt want to talk to her , i did
she made me mad , but i wasnt dwelling in the past.

I like to drink coffee

I like to put my nose
on the edge of the cup
so the steam go's up my nose

I like eating an egg sandwich
with ham and salami
and a lot of ketchup

I like watching the yoke
spilling out to the sides

I like standing on outside
in the morning
so the cold hits my morning eyes

I like to imagine kissing the girl i love
under the rain
or snow
or sleep beside them on winter mornings
and have weird conversation

I like feeling like i don't why
were i am,who i am
or who anybody is
as if i was born again

I like chewing my nails
so the more skin then nail

I like the curve of lips
cause since my first kiss
i find something interesting in them

I like seeing the beauty in tiny things
even a drop of water falling off a leaf

I like to listen to music
and imagine am playing the song with a band

I like imagining  my life is a movie
with the cool camera shots

I like taking pictures
of many things

I like walking a lot
and taking the train a lot

I like to see people walking by  me
imagining what their life is like

I like having odd conversation topics
with my friends
that we end up looking at each other
and laughing...

I guess am weird like that

telling me your eyes have turned to
strawberry fields
and you brain melting Through your ears
creating a pool
that take you to a new world
filling your bones with with music notes
so that all you breath is music
and the feeling happy
and i couldn't possibly knowwhat your thinking
but i know when your eyes look towards me
you silently whisper
" i hate him"
Say all you want
its just a drug to my mind
making me fly
so to the moon pool
of tears from love
all i do is relax
with the stars telling me there secret
"how to shine"

ooooOOoo have you ever felt this
you know that feeling
where you dont care
giving your mind numbness

and the feeling of kissing
the one you want to
wraps your stringy arms around

the feeling  of soft skin...

and you where there
in front me...
breathing softly
digging your hand in the other
your brown hair sleeping on your shoulders
i didn't know you then
but i thought
"this is going to be great"
i didn't know you then
and i dont know you now
after all the pages we written
smudges
and ink running out
you changed me
....
so much
we were strangers then
and we are strangers now
giving looks
looks
that make me remember
of all the things we did
"and now?"
**i ****** it up

11th month

November2013:
November 1st
We sat on a river bank
the rocks around us built so you could sit
My friend Jack looked at me with his green eyes
"this your first  time right?"
i nodded as i dug my heels in the sand and rocks
"you'll take the first hit"
he handed over the pipe
and lit it for me
I inhaled and i felt the smoke filling my lungs
filling my brain
the air escaped  my nose and teeth
and i felt my  eye lids being pulled down
and my heart beating fast
a smile grew on my face
Jack and i laughed till we dropped
She was still in my head...

The rest of november is a blur
i remember i was dancing
and singing, blasting the music in my house
resting,writing poetry,biking at night
filling my lungs with smoke
and dreaming

the days started to get colder
and more winter
christmas carols came on the intercome
and tv specials, getting you excited
I would still see Kirsten
We would just smiled as we passed each other
everything changed
She told me she started liking someone new
I told her i did to
i really didn't...

one day i took the train with my friends
and got off the station alone
it was cold and snow started to fill our streets
i walked down the stairs
And ran into a friend
her name was Lola
She looked up to me
and i to her
we were happy  to see each other
i told her how my year was going so far
and she told me she was enjoying her year
We hugged and said goodbye
we started talking everyday after that
She started to like me a lot
I liked her...

Days were passing fast
Kirsten still at the back of my head
the cold was getting colder
and was freezing me to bone
i turned up my radio
and dreamed away,
Jack told me he wanted to start a band
i was excited

November 30th
I met a girl named Emma
.....

we are becoming stitched together
questioning "why?" when out hands let go
i think of an other time
of us but we do not know each others name
nor know the taste of each others lips
and i get this shiver at the back of my brain
yelling out to my ear
"dont"
im holding  you
dont hold back
hold me now
till im in a deep sleep
kiss me on the forehead
and ill kiss you on the lips
i wont hold back
if you hold me now
cause ill hug you
till my arms shatter
and ill
have nothing left to hold  on with
and thats when i need you the most

capital A for Arguements

Capital BS for *******

They always go and end in the same way

You think I want you
Dead
You think I think your dumb
That I hate you.

I'm just little ******* tired
With a capital T
With all these
"Why would you "
"How could you "
"I can't believe you"

I'm just a little human
You know

And because of that reason

I MAKE MISTAKES

these days I don't even know when I'll step on a bomb

Maybe I should just blow up

I’ll write this
Yeah I’m drunk
But I feel good
I think you
But I don’t miss you
I hope your good
As our paths distance
Goodbye

Trying to keep calm

Trying to go with the flow

****, is it ever harder then I thought

Trying to be bold

Trying to take things slow

Wow, why is this so hard

Trying  not to scold

Trying so hard not to blow

Are my veins about to pop?

...passed through me
and gave me a chill
and the frost, bit my ears
and whispered in it
flew away into the thin air
of the world

my shoes sank deep into the snow
and my head went blank for forever
my finger tips numbed
and my eyes feeling refreshed

those words
passed through my bones
and entered my brain and stayed there

"don't feel this sour feeling no longer
take the honey of the future and let it defrost your bones
..frozen of these shattered hopes"

i cant stand here no more
for the winter will eat me

i got things i want to do

i wont let the ice stick me to the ground for all internity

my closed my eyes
shut

opened my eyes
and there i stood in the summers warm dew

i fell back and fell
in the green sea

and dreamed my bones
being touched by flowers

A second
A minute
An hour
A day
A month
A year....
Your life can be different
Can change in a matter of minutes
Or in a matter of years
I drive my life slowly
Unknowingly
Where I'll end
Cause at any moment
I may not be here

I can't take it

I can't take it

I can't take it

I can't take it

Beers and whiskey

New friends

A new feeling

A view

A new feeling

Lips
Nibbles on my cheek
Never
Will i Forget
The eyes
Of green

And the kisses of summer

Heads heavy
Eyes lids hanging
Dragging limbs
Messy hair
No light comes through the windows
Only the pink pink sky
The world looks asleep
So why should I be up ?

the darkness leaks inside me
the reflection in the mirror, car windows,water
is a man who seems like a past acquaintance
the body my souls lies in seems strange

my mind is crushing in on itself
or maybe theres a hole there
empty
confused
these feelings tower over me like the devil
ready to take control of me once im fully weakened

her eyes are soulless when she looks at me
Her kisses hit me like a single snow flake
Her touch feels faint
her words...no emotion

Here I am
Reaping what I sowed
Dealing with the **** I myself made

My sanity clings on a tiny thread


I love her...
But I Despise myself

I get lost, lost like a star without it's moon
Lost when i stare into her crystal eyes
Green like the leaves, after a rainy hour
The summer
Blue like ocean disappearing off the horizon

The sun burned through the window
Onto my heart
I realized i have fallen
Fallen
To deep
To deep

My Bones feel to numb
I feel to weak
When i
See her
Beauty
Turning my eyes

Her smile
Oh, her smile
Get's me
Get's me
Lost...

Free

The wind

The speed

High
Music

It's like I belong in fall forever


I feel odd

Not to be bike

Summer's dripping slowly in
Covering the city with a thin layer of green
The blue sky letting the sun make your skin sweat

I wake up
Mind cluttered
Face stubbly
Kinda hungover ? Or am I ****** ?

Get up ,get dressed ,wash up ,eat
And I'm off
Both feet glued to my pedals
Mind focused
Mind cleared

I'll bike away

i sunk my teeth
in the soft sweet bread

then swallowed it down
with my coffee

"i put way to much sugar in this coffee"

oh well

i like it

Laying in bed
And the sweat on my back
Is uncomfortable
I'm to Tired to move
The sun,that beat me down all day
Finally can't reach me
My legs are jelly
But I love it
So exhausted
But the feeling of speed
Is  ecstasy

running
panting
lights in my eyes
the bones in my legs aching
people staring
panic running through my blood
" just run just run"
the dark city became evil in the night
the lights looked like it was shining on me
looking for me
pointing me out

sadness mixes with panic in my head
wandering what happened to my friends
what happened to the girl i care for so much

are they okay??


running
panting
the lungs in my chest aching
it sounds like ill cough blood

everyone is out to get me

Who was I

Who  am I

The answer still resides
And the moments into past
Still linger

I hate going back
My mind is weird


I wonder what the future holds

I'm sorry
Forgive me for me
I don't know what I think

I don't know what I want

Today feel very different then it did last year

But life's like that
It's an unexplainable feeling
Until it's a memory

with this light a glowing
my heart is
breaking
drying
ohhh

empty veins
that are now dying
take me
to-

to the milky way
to die

heads so full

and some times light

when i see your smile

oh. so windy
can't light my smoke

**** me now
id rather live in winter time
then in dark times

eyes so full

oh so tired

ill go to bed

Why are you so distant from the earth

i can't  reach you anymore

and pull you in close to me

oh ohhh oh

snowing on the hearts of love

were did it all go

those shivers
of octobers fall
oh oh ohhh

slipped away
like the rain
off my tanned skin
Gone
like  the summers ray
never did i
feel so alive
oh oh ooo

driving down the night
smiling like the moon
thought i  was better
but am just rushing time

gotta sit back
and see the worlds fumes
pass on by

oh boy

You see
That smile
Shook me
Until every thing that was still alive in me died...

And that look in your eye
Gave this feeling of content
Like I was missing something before

That star that glittered on the corner of your lip
When you smiled...
That sure made me say
" she's the one for me"

When  you gave me that first touch
I lost  my **** mind
Not to mention that first kiss

But now
It's done

We look at each other
And don't know what to do
When we make eye contact

The only thing I see
Is my memories of you

We don't talk much anymore
You Found someone else I suppose
I don't mind really...I think

We just can't connect
I don't why...
Quite sad, maybe we will later
Maybe not...


People will ask me
"  what about that girl over there?"


And I'll reply happily
" she gave me the most butterfly's in the world"

I have this beauty in my hand
With the softest heart

And I got mad at her ...

I should never do that to her

I'm sorry I don't show u enough love

I hate mySelf

Ask me
how i will kiss you

Ask me
how i will hold you

Ask me
if i'll see you everywhere

cause i love you

The world is hot


Too hot in the cold places
Everything melts

Too hot in class my brain melts

I wanna  be high

Walking in the winter

Or windy day in fall

TO **** HOT

now tell me
why your heart beats
oh so loud

and tell now do you look
like the moonlight shine
on a winter cold night

now
please
sleep next to me on this field
of fall were leaves dance about in our imagination

were i can stare and the red raspberry clouds spread there arms
for
us

I took a sip of my coffee

and i thought to myself

"i wonder what her lips taste like now"

Grey clouds
Peering over the city
The sun in the back trying to be known
Trees frantically thrashing against eachother
the wind ,pushes  us back
But the sun
Shines on your face and warms your forehead
Then it goes away

The days have gone by fast
City living ,people around you
Always in a rush somewhere

Makes you go fast
Makes you think fast
Fast,quick ,be there soon
Give me 5 minutes
Give me a sec
I gotta go

In nature is where I want to be
Surrounded by trees and sky
Mountains and animals
A little house
In the middle of it all

Goodbye city
Goodbye
Fast living

In my slightly lit room

You'll find me sleeping under the covers

And outside you'll find
A wintry land

But in my head
You'll find something different
A hope
A glimmer

Maybe this whole thing
Can turn around

Old Leaves
Burning lovely
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                  Oh,love
                                                         ­                                                                 ­                   Wrapped my bones
                                                           ­                                                                 ­  Disappeared in your beauty


The summers burning
Up the hill
With your hair
On one side
Of spring
                                                          ­ Standing far
                                                            O­n cloud floors
                                                          ­ With your sun warm hands
                                                          A­nd with your soft brown skin

Clocks faded
shaking my hand
till it went numb

                                            She opened
The ocean
                          Until it crashed on me

Till we meet again
                                       DARLING

Until we swim to the shore

Of relaxing

Warmth

Woke up
With my eyes stuck together
and my lips dry
and my body stiff

I rubbed my face
and my eyelids  almost closing again

i walked upstairs and walked into my room
and clothes laying eveywhere
grabbed a big sweater and brought it over my head
and slipped my arms through

messed up my messy hair
and walked in to the bathroom
and looked myself in the mirror
my mustache reaching the top of my grey lips
and my stubble growing in slowly
  
walked out of the bathroom
left the light on
and into the kitchen
i yawned,it left me  feeling weake
opened up the cuboards took out the coffee
walked over a basket with bread and took a slice
made the coffe and let it  to boil
put the bread in the toaster and let it to toast

looked out my window
and the blue sky moving slowly
with the clouds fluttering along
the trees turned yellow
and the streets wet,for it rained

the toast popped out
and coffe was made

sat on the table
rubbed my face
the coffee steam raveling my nose
and my teeth ready to taste the crunsh of white toast

i thought about the day
and
smiled...

the sun burned my eyes
andi  dug my head into my pillow
my socks almost fell off
and my shirt twisted around my body
the hair that rested upon my head
was messy as hell,

i hopped out of bed
and saw the snow melting
as i drank my coffee
i felt cool down my body

i thought to myself
as i drank it
"what a **** lovely day!"

walked out with a smile

and lost my head in the clouds

and fell in love with thoughts of what i'll be
doing for the rest of the day

Came back home
and hopped on my bed
the sun was out
and the moon came on

and i thought
to myself

"what a **** lovely day today!"

and fell asleep with the
foggy air

You came over
slept in my arms
kissed my cheek
smiled softly

" you okay? do you need something, some water?"

you replyed softly

" I'm good''

and dug your head into my chest

the moon shining through the window

we stared at it
and you gripped my hand
kissed my neck
and fell asleep

Wake up
And dress up
Put on your best smile

Now you're sweating
Tired and all

Evening has come
And day has gone

**** this
I wanna be with her
Every second

Not doing this

i don't what the future will bring

i'm i relaxed?!

i'm i anxious

i don't even know anymore

i'm so confused

the breeze goes
were my mustache used to be
i feel like i changed so much
its not just the mustache
its all the events that happened last night


why did it happen to me?

Stuffy nose
Stuffy head
Feel like my mind is breaking down
My lungs are pushing out this phlegm
Maybe I should quit  ciggies
But the ciggies won't quit me

Staying high makes me feel better

But the stuffy nose
And constent blowing of it
Makes me lose my breath
And it won't stop

I love to bike
I love to be outside

Congested feeling

Oppressed feeling

the smell of your skin
still rests on my nose
giving my mind ecstacy

6th month

June2013:
Broke in with a crazy  light
that came from the sun

June...
Melted my brain
and the last of my personality
as i started my regular routine of biking
around the city

summer! was coming
oh i was excited

oh...it started raining
to much
the river started raising
and reached  the bridges
all the houses that we at the end of the hill
got flooded
My city was in a worry state
it rained for two days straight
then  the sun came out
and looked like nothing ever happened in my city

i saw my friend janessa
and we sat in a childs park in a green field
and we talked about the plans we had for the summer
we laughed
and spend 20 mins eating goldfish crackers
or her trying to feed me one...

i walked home from the train
one day
with a smile on my face
through my favorite field
and i thought to myself

"oh i cant wait too see what this summer holds for me"