I’m back inside - our house, our home.
Familiarity surrounds.
Sounds and smells, and bits of me,
Reminders of what used to be.

The sofa feels like old terrain, it’s cushions shaped by who I was.
But I sit down and feel the space.
Where something’s missing.
Just because.

“How am I feeling?” I reply, “I’m fine”

Smile half-real.
What do you name the hollowed-out?
How do you name what you feel?

Mail stacked up, grass so long
Small signs that time has carried on.
Though I’m not sure what I return to them.
When the floor still creaks beneath my tread,
I know I’m alive, but somewhere else instead.

I’ll flicker here, a half-lit flame.
Not fully here, but still I came.
I’m in motion, life still mine.
I’ll try so hard to thrive, with time.

I sat shaking with pain, a silent guest,
No words to hush it into rest.
Its edges sharp, its shadow wide,
It’s stabbed beneath my ribs to hide.

In quiet rooms where healing grew,
I found a place, a safety - new.
But even here the heart would race,
Is peace for me a borrowed place?

Now homeward beckons with both light and lead,
With hope, but unfounded fear I dread.
What will they see behind my smile?
Is it too soon to walk this mile?

Will they believe the spark I’ll show?
Or sense the storms still ebb and flow?
I carry calm like a fragile thread, dreams that love and joy are fed.
It’s so hard to speak of wounds so near,
To show I’m better, yet so unclear.

But I will I go, with trembling grace.
Back to the world, to find my place.
To cuddle those I hold so dear.
To hold them tight and keep them near.
Each heartbeat peace into my core,
Hoping someday to win this war.

Just be curious, just challenge - “What if they’re wrong?”
What if I’m not the burden.
The mistake.
The too-much, too-broken, too-worthless thing they told me I was?

The thought terrifies me more than hate ever did.
At least hate is certain. At least it makes sense.
But now - People say kind things and mean them.
They stay.

They say that I matter. They say that I’m needed.
And I don’t know what to do with those words.
They burn in my chest like a truth I wasn’t built for.
And if they’re right?
I will have to relearn.
Everything.
Like a child who’s only ever been taught to flinch.

How do you believe you should live, when you’ve only learnt how to survive?
I feel like I’m standing
On the edge…terrified.
Not death,
But hope.
And I don’t know how to move forwards
When behind me is dark and ahead there is light,
I don’t feel I deserve.
Please help me to fight.

There's a hole inside I can't seem to fill,
The more kindness they pour, the more it spills.
How do I trust, not question why?
I’ve learnt to recoil from warmth like a lie.
Inside me it echoes, sharp and curt
“You're not worth their love. You're meant for hurt.”

They say that I matter
World better with a “me”
But all I can feel is how they’re deceived.
Like they’ll take their love back
As soon as they see -
The wreck underneath.
The ugly.
The me.

I want to heal, I really do.
I try and hold on,
Believe and reach out.
But their hands feel surreal, so full of doubt.
The trauma dug deep, a truth that I breathe.
Some days I’m so scared that no-one will reach
The hollowed out parts,
The shame held beneath.

They’ll grab onto the rose, but they must be warned
It’s so far from blooming
They’ll be hurt by its thorns

So sad, so alone – just with my twisted mind.
It circles like a vulture
Waiting ‘til I die.

Silence isn’t peace,
It’s a trap
A room with no windows
Until you collapse.

“Be what they need”
Bright, strong and fine.
But I’m not fine, I’m afraid
Of stillness, rejection
Of myself.
Of shade.

I want to be happy,
Let the past rot behind me
But it follows, it bullies, it claws its way back.
Despite the kind words, and the care that surrounds me.
I can’t hear.
Pain screams louder than that.

No voices, no noise, just me and my thoughts.
The thoughts that I try every day to out run.
They burn me, they cut me, so deep in the night.
You’re not enough.
You’re too much.
You’re nothing.
They’re right.

But I smile in the daylight,
“I’m healing” I say.
I know that I’m trying, every day.

Because people want progress - not truth, not the toll.
Not the ugly storms that swallow me whole.

But I am not brave,
Thoughts stronger than I am.
And tonight in the darkness
I don’t know if I can.
Thrive?
Just survive?

I’m trying it all.
The talking, the feeling,
The breathing through the burn.
The writing, the crying,
The silence that I yearn.

People say that I’m strong,
That I’m worth the fight.
But their words can’t get through,
Through the endless night.

I smile when I’m supposed to, joke like I know.
Pressure to feel better, to keep up the show.

But I’m breaking so quietly.
Behind closed eyes and doors,
Each day feels more like I’m losing some more.
I’m scared that time is not on my side,
That this pain will win,
It’s too practiced to hide.

I want to believe them.
I must.
I care.
But what if I can’t ever let them in there.