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Bellvadear Nov 2017
multi tasking
on a one track mind
can't fast forward
or rewind
can't push stop
can't push play
stuck on stupid
f* this day
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Color schemes
of
brightest dreams
rainbow thoughts
with
confetti spots
sprinkled flakes
with
glitters shake
steady drops
from
ink pen tops
glow in the dark
pastel painted pictures
created
by beautiful Miss and Mr.'s
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Dreams are fading fast
Like the stars in my third eye
Whatever I was seeing
Was a mirage, either that,
or Ive gone blind
Such a lonely treacherous journey
where noone understands
Cares, or knows, or givez two *****
At the instability of mental state I'm in
Stakes are high
self esteem has drained slow
I use to dream about my lyrics
Being played out on the radio
I'm fixing to blow
a fucken gasket
Burn hotter then thermite
Won't need to bother with a casket
Searching for some type of relief
They say God can help
But thats just not my belief
Thoughts keep me up
Then keep me from sleep
"Drowning myself again,
In these thoughts to deep!"
Returning to the past
Thought I'd never come back
Looking for my future
Have me a post traumatic
Counter react?
Reaction,
An action,
Keep me re_packin?
I don't know I'm so lost,
Confusing my,
A matter of facts in
Really the fact is
No idea what I'm doing
All this venom makes me sick
But I can't quit spewin!
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Here we are discriminating forms of art and poetry.
Denying each other acceptance
and credibility.
Judging how we talk, or rhyme,
or how dope our flows should be.
Coming in and criticizing.
Basically falling just short of micromanaging.

We all strive for the same types of things.
Wasting time and energies.
Spitting venom still.
How we representing 'unity'?
When each others pride we ****?
Do you even feel?

I mean feel........the lyrics?
What we may be saying?
Pay attention to the vibes,
and different tracks that we're laying?
Dissing opponents,
never shaking hands.
Who ever is bigger and badder,
is the winning man?
Dam that is a mentality I never could fathom.
Want or need some props,
here ya go you can have em'.

You see, for me.
I'd rather keep the peace.
Give you a hug or a fist bump,
I'll love you like we're family
For you, and you, and all of them.
Someone else who just might need a friend.
Someone to sync with.
Someone to help them glow.
Maybe connect everyone,
with a common knowledge or flow!
Hell I don't know!
But I'll dream.
Create a beautiful lucid scene.
Where every one is welcome
up on my shoulders to lean.
So pace yourself while labeling,
to your perceptional liking.
But show some respect.
You never know,
who they might be.

So I don't apologize for,
not being 'hard' ya'll.
Because life's hard enough,
without pointing out flaws
Bellvadear Nov 2017
That moment I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Everything I felt and thought left me.
My mind and soul, suffocating.
The very minute the phone started ringing.

Just a blink in my eye, you had vanished.
The desperation I felt, couldn't stand it.
Never know how the hell I will manage.
No mending this depth of damage.

It's been unstable for me since you been gone.
No matter how many drugs that I been on.
None of them ever numbed this pain.
It's just to strong.
Wish I could have said my 'So long'.

I'm sorry if I failed you now.
Things have been rough since you ain't around.
The songs I heard no longer make a sound.
Never thought I'd hit the ground,
rock bottom,
I was meant for space bound.

I wonder this Earth now so lonely.
Feeling a lot like I'm the only,
one who understands or even cares,
to even know me.
I wear this heavy burden.
Smile while I'm hurting.
Act as though I can manage,
then cry as my back is turning.

Maybe I should seek some therapy.
In a nut house is where I'd be.
You see.
I'm ashamed to be grieving.
In fear of letting down your legacy.
All the 'sympathetic' 'love' I would be getting.
Would set me off,
end up in house fires,
I'd probably be setting.

I know you wouldn't be to shocked at this.
If it was your's that is missed,,
you'd feel this twist.
When your heart doesn't just break it shatters.
Into a thousand micro pieces,
then like that, black confetti,

Your emotionally scattered.

Battered, tattered, feeling like the mad hatter.
And as time goes on,
I become madder and madder.
Wishing I could go back in time,
just to hear your laughter.

It fades like a record,
from the good old days,
scratchy, and warped,
the more I try to make it play.
I know it will never sound the same.

Wish you could see how far I've came.
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Was it some kind of a subliminal perception?
Confusing my interpretations of a misconception.
Was it you that pulled an affectionate deception?
Forcing me into a fake deflection.
A maneuver of the circumstance selections.

A ruse, a scheme, a hoodwinked hoax.
Walking around in your personality cloaks.
Hidden persuasions,
caused my mental imagery to blurry.
"Why you dodging me now?
Sit down, there's no hurry".
I just need a second of your time,
Help me figure this out.
I'm a little confused,
how this situations turned out.
Let's analyze the beginning,
the initiation.
Yet again,
I do get tired of being patient.

But it won't be much longer,
at this rate your health's going.
I just can't save you anymore,
your killing yourself,
slowly.
How does a person become so unstable?
Cycles like this?
Believing well structured fables.

My thoughts catch on fire,
like my circuits need rewired.
Ashes still fill the void,
where you burned me out,
with your crack lighter.
I just wanted to tell you,
thanks for this paradox.
Keep my memories in the attic,
in a duct taped shoe box.

Some days I'll admit,
I miss the past you.
The one before you turned into,
this cold bitter shrew.
Now your growing weary,
hairs turning gray.
Wasting sand in the hourglass.
As grandfather clocks tick away.
With every hit that you take.
Chemicals taking it's toll.
Lost your Mind. Body. And soul.

I do apologize,
from you I had to retreat.
I had to be the bad guy,
and do what's best for me.
I never meant to leave you behind.
But really the truth is.
I keep trying to hide.
Now that the truth's made an appearance.
I caught a glimpse, saw your face,
til then, never
was my vision the clearest.
I'd never noticed,
all the lines and cracks,
patched up in between,
weak attempts,
to keep your reflection unseen.
Let's ask your keeper,
and see what they tell?
The masquerades over,
pull off that, veil.

"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
who was the best masked?
At the ball?"
Never your mind,
with my twisted fairy tales.
My mind got ran over,
skipping tracks on Disney's,
story Beast and the Bell?
Bellvadear Nov 2017
Concrete Foundations, Built for us,
Founded and Created Cons, Buried, now crushed,
under the same concrete, created, to maintain a fond nation.
For us? We trust, in none of them, they disgust,
they all just smile with their mouths sewn shut,
hiding behind stitched mouths, teeth knocked out,
pulling their ***** back out, to fu..
fundamentally set standards, they deemed a must
drinking rust, water spouts the wells been poisoned somehow.
Armies of men stationed, wives and kids despise, his,
atomic attacks, all bones with no back, who's side white brown or black?
Air Raid sirens to sound as smoke arises,
blow, it out, of
The Trumpet's brass?
Much like anything that comes out of his ***, he needs put in a cast,
not meaning the role he's playing, after all he is about his ratings.
Look at all the sitcoms out of yal he has created. ha
I don't discriminate, however brass, leaves a bad after taste,
like, not really my instrumental choice,
unless its ****** knuckles, I'm more of a percussionist
beat them all with the drum
sticks, *****, chicks, wake the **** up, dumb little b..
bench/, warmers...where they sat us, playing on an Iphone,
not paying attention, so much distraction, you twit nits,
twittering, snap, chatting,
*** and **** pics, what's wrong with that pic,
living in a photoshopped world, come watch the games now,
that the score board is 'fixed'
same players no touchdowns, losing, yet forced to
cheer and chant their names, they win, don't you dare frown,
becoming restless, keeping us mentally sick and poor,
kids blocked by a wall with a white guarded door,
floor is slick, spilled some orange paint all over it,
flick the ashes, like your nasty cigarette habits
Does your hope float? because mine don't, nope,
but were all stuck in a bubble, can't float when your caught under the rubble,
smells like they better call Hillary, something is fishy,
oh wait that's her and Trump's chemistry mixing.
I'm probably gonna get some backlash for this,
especially because the fact of it is,
this house is divided into unequal shares,
yal walk around as if nobody lives there,
It's like leaving the lights on but nobody is home,
tear down the wall crush them with the same heavy stones.
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