Do
you ever notice how
the patterns on
the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns
start to make shapes-
You
ever stare out
and watch
yourself from
another
point of view?...
Sometimes
I still do this,
we tend to be
at odds with our
perception of life,
seems what
I'm able to see
isn't pleasant or reality-
looking down
at myself.
They
call this,
an outer body
experience
when your
looking up
watch me
watching you.
Do
you feel the pain
I was feeling,
Do
you see yourself
as if in a movie,
I keep the aftermath
& the many
"before's"
steeped in secrecy,
continuing-
obscuring the facts.
Like
these DCF workers
& Court's,
Supposedly
this "System"
was set up to
rescue us
children from
terrible situations
in our
families lives
give them
a chance
at a normal
healthy life.
As
I lay here floating
above myself,
I can see
from up here
what I'm feeling
& he's more
horrific than
the one's
they sent me
to before.
Can
you imagine
the daily living
nightmare
of being
a child assuming &
thinking you
are saved
once placed
within a new home.
Only
to find the situation
worse,
I was torn from
my loving yet very
dysfunctional family,
my siblings,
not so politically correct
but SAFETY was in
our numbers.
We
were strong even
brave as we're
placed with monsters.
monsters
in my closet,
in my room,
under my bed,
in my shower,
monsters
hiding behind the
bedroom door...
He's
coming,
his footsteps-
heard on the stairs
he'll know
I'm recently
fresh out the shower,
I can smell his stickiness-
he's yet to do anything
tonight.
The monsters,
hiding in plain sight,
in daylight-
always, always at midnight
watching me,
watching, always watching
watching me eat,
watching me sleep,
touching me in my sleep,
this monster....
Do
you ever notice
how the patterns
on the ceiling looks
and ever focus so long
the patterns start to
make
shapes

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Good girl's don't tell,
You should do as I say & not as I do.

Mama said
respect my elders so respectfully
I'll lay here and not make a sound.

You've told me
God
rewards good girls when they obey their parents and being my foster parent I must do as

God

tells me so obey you I do,
I brush my teeth and let you brush my hair,
you lift a trestle
to your nose ,
smell deeply then brush my hair some more.

I must be a sacrificial lamb and let your will be done.

The pink lace type  nightgown fits me a bit big, the perfume makes me
sneeze
- -
ahchoo ahchoo
I don't like the rouge on my cheeks and this light brown powdery stuff
smell like old women and itches,
but
I smile cause it hides the swelling purplish bruises
on my eye and right cheek.

It also makes me feel so beautiful,
specially cause of  the look in your eyes,
I know that
You

like how I look from
the smirk on your face.

I sit down as you've instructed,
watching you as you go to the door
locking it,
I don't know what to think or how you feel
but you tell me that
I'm special,
magically so and you'd die
if you can't have me.

I don't know what you mean
still
I come up to you and rub your back.

It  always worked
when my
Nana
did this to me,
giving me comfort as any good parent should.

You on the other hand
hold

me and tell me I am so lovely
Yet your
not accepting the
father/ daughter comforts I wish to give you.

My naivete's got you looking at me
strangely
and in this fortress- locked room you take it upon yourself
to demonstrate just what I truly mean to you ,
you kiss,
you  kiss my lips
, touch my chest,
sliding your hand down
my
underdeveloped
body
with a hunger in your eyes of which
I can't place,
I'm frighten and worried
yet you tell  me
to relax and lay on the bed,
repeating to me  that
Good Girl's Don't Tell.*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

These silent
walls
palpitates
like echoed Doppler
heart beats
& cacophony cries
I've longed for
& yet to hear.

Entangling
sticky loosened like sinews
with a crimson rope
trailing, tied to me
a hanging noose
from genitalia to abdomen.

metaphorical blindfolded
eyes never open
mouths sealed shut,
slippery-jelly wetness
cascading from limbs
unmoving,
warm arms hold me & try hard
to calm my wails.


I feel discombobulated
in this peril of darkness
with this injustice
the savage way life's ****** away my chance
of fulfillment, the radiant glow my whole being once held
O'how my soul's been stolen away,
                                

                                             each push
                                          

                                                            * each breath
                                                      

                                                               ­                *each heart


                    breaking   pain.


It's a invisible beating,
which keeps me flailing
& screaming
as consumptive
waves mistreat
my hoarding womb
wrecking havoc
in the
  
    most brutal
way.

Unyielding
pain deep within me
White coated sleeve
red bright metallic stains.

Masked faces
& eyes who can't
match my tearful stare
sound of
regret & sympathetic
mournful apologizes-

left  me defeated
               cheated
             out of the most
important things,

which matters
        only to me.

I'm never going to be
the same
not after this
*Miscarriage

I'm going to be quick
about what I need to say;

You always complimenting me,
admiration shows in your eyes

when you look at me

but I hardly ever express how
I feel or think when it comes to you.

Baby this innocence
about you drives me wild,

the child-like look you give
me makes me giggle and smile

you're so sweet, so very endearing.

Papi do you know that
when your talking to me sometimes

I don't even hear what you've said,
since I'm so busy watching your lips

watching your smile...

I get worried a bit frighten sometimes

because I never wish to lose you

can't fathom the
idea of you not being here with me

I go off the handle and
with out thinking I end up hurting you.

I'm too rough round the edges,
to harsh & brash with my words

I honestly forget your not like them.

You've never said one
bad thing to me or
done anything to wrong me,

always dedicated and upfront,
surge-coated but honest in all your doings

so much so
I even have access to your cell phone but,

I must explain.

I know this yet when we argue
over the smallest things

I forget, really I do,
forget the way you hold me so close & tight

especially when I've had a nightmare,

I forget the times you've stayed up
with me because I couldn't sleep.

Yet I can never for the
countless times you've apologized

on bended knees, tears streaming down your face.

Or how about when I've tried to leave,
you'd beg of me to stay, carry me to your room

and just hold me  or rock
even rubbing me  to sleep & wiping my tears away.

Can't forget the way you kiss me
so slow but deep causing my head to become dizzy,

the way you make love to me or how you
just touch me even the slightest bit,

how you'll spend on me and give me everything.

Baby from the moment I saw you and we
walked down the street talking,

I knew you'd be good for me.

Your protective strong and so ****
determined to provide for me

all the things I've been left with out for so long.

I cry sometimes,
because
I'm not sure I can handle
the type of man that you clearly are,

I cry too, because
I worry that one day my PSTD mind will take it to far...

So far I'll lose you,
lose us and all the great things we've become.

But Baby I can't forget the times before you,
the unhappiness- my life once held

the lonely nights and helplessness
that no longer exists.

Your everything to me and a Godsend

because of this plus so much more

I'll do my best to remember but

seriously how can I ever*

Forget!?!


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®