You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,

wanting or needing a relationship.

Don't get me wrong I was on many sites, still talking it up

to those who'd seem genuinely interested,

yet I've as you now know, went through a lot of disappointments

with the opposite ***, from cheating, abuse, games,

lies and so much more,

well you now know, so no need for more details.

You've come at a time where & when I only needed a friend,

I should of been clear about that instead of continuing
late night conversations of whose ex's hurt who
the most & the things we'd do differently
"if " only(s)....

"If" only you'd come at a time where DBT- counseling,
was almost complete & these insecurity's
left by the lies,doubts, mistrust or broken down communications
from past experiences didn't have me questioning
every single word you say,
plus every one of your actions made.

I've been keeping to myself,
becoming a recluse,
but
from the
Mental Disorders handbook,
I'm listed as
a afflicting person since I've display
a person with a pervasive pattern of  social inhibition,
feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation,
with my avoidance of social interaction.

I'm afflicted with the disorder & I tend to describe me
as ill at ease, anxious, lonely, and generally feel unwanted
plus I fell I'm isolated from others.

I used to go out a lot,
I had a plethora of friends well very good acquaintances,
I've allowed exes to push me into giving them up & now
I find it hard to just open up, find it so difficult to trust.

My supposed best friend slept with my husband
and another of these so called best-friends lied to a few men
that could of become my man.

So women or man- I find it hard to be myself now round them,
round you it was easy to talk to laugh and be completely free,
but I should of told you, I wasn't ready for
late night trips to your home, showers or baths to relax me,
back rubs until you put me to sleep.

Wasn't ready for you and those powerful hugs,
the encouragements
or
pats on the back
for the countless hours studying & getting my 4.0
with all my college classes .

You're a friend well you were & still are,
I should of left it at that.
Should of...

I should of told you,
that I doubt I know what loves is
or 
 if I've ever really owned it, I think I've rented it- a time or so,
but to say that I've been truly loved?

Naw I doubt it,
been infatuated & lusted a lot but love?
again
Naw I doubt it...
You already know I ain't speaking of my children,
pets or family.

Well let us exclude
my mama
cause she's always said to me
"who could ever love you"?

Most of my life I've tried to fill in the blanks of "who"?
"who could ever love me"

I thought I knew, *
but in recent events plus theses last 15 years
I've notice those who came to say they loved me
showed me different & treated me so ugly!

You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,
wanting or needing a relationship.

Your friendship is comforting,
I guess I'm scared, worried of the unknown, all those
"ifs"
and what could be, but I'm afraid, worried-
I already said worried, so worried in fact I've sometimes
put space between us.

I'm so painfully bruised & scarred from inside plus out,
from the age of 6 to now that's 30 years of being  bruised & scarred.

This was pose to be a poem and now it's more like a letter,
You know like "Dear John" or to whom ever,
but the ever only person whose made me make sense of me
seems to be you.

Somehow your in this deeper than I think I am
I'm conflicted, confused,
even though you've yet to do what others have done to me
or what others have put me through.

Think I should say: what I've allowed them to do-
"sometimes"
I've allowed them to do.

I seem to NO- I know I make you pay for what they've done to me,
guess I shall say I've allowed them to do to me knowingly or not...
I'm so disappointed by life & all it's had to offer me,
I've known & at times unbeknown to myself
have taken it out on you,
on others too by staying out their lives...

I apologize, but I'm not sorry,
that to me is something I don't think
I could ever be...

Saying sorry for me means- I'm a sorry person,
flawed-
*YES,
*very much so, becoming a recluse ok
but to be "sorry"    no,
therefore I apologize.

Through  all the ******* and all the mess
you've supported me.

I'm screaming or yelling at you & you've accepted me,
from the nightmares, that wake me & you've heard
my siren crying yelps of despair,
you've held me tightly,
reassuring me it's just a dream that my ex's
along with my childhood/teen molesters plus them ******
can't harm me no more...

You've left the lights on since I'm afraid of the dark
walking me to my room and locking the house up tight,
even at times checking under my bed
see your comforting for me,
at 36 I should be ashamed, yet with you I finally feel free
feel a bit good about me & about you,
says a lot since for a while I've yet to feel ANYTHING!

You've come along during a time where I wasn't expecting,

wanting or needing a relationship.

But now that your
*here" can you please stay?


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I know you heard me

when I told you come here

Your looking at me
from downcast eyes

I'm the cannery so kitty cat

come pounce on your prize

smile go on & giggle

as you act like you don't know

but listen up man

I'm ready

been waiting
so hurry up

Open me roughly-

NO!,

don't take your time hurry

yea hurry up

rip off my dress

that's it man now swiftly

shove your ****

between my thighs

sigh out your enjoyment-

you've found the mark

move deeper a little faster

now stop & **** my mouth

I'm on my knees

letting you pound your ****
deep down this throat

pound it faster baby
keep going

**** it even if I gag

that's it baby

mmm
I love how you taste

move deeper  come on hurry up

I feel you swelling
like your about to erupt

Help me to my feet
*bend me over this table

I need a release & only your able

Your massive ****'s swollen
it's hungry just like me

Shove it in deeply

please me to my core

**** me,

YESSSS

****    *meeee

Baby keep going

******* move deeper,

harder- faster,

I'm delirious-

craving every inch
of your massive ****

spread me wide
wider

hold me fast to your lustful ******

hurt me

make me scream out
my ******* release

Yess

I'm *******

Keep it up

ooo
mmhmm

**** me give me more

over & over

YESSS!

baby

**** me

mmm ahhh

more..............

Oh ****
*how'd we end up on the floor

(ouch)*


Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

I ain't gots no words for you,

none you can take with you as you turn & walk out my life,

but while you be on ya way

how about you tell me

how is it

you expect me to
give up my life & watch my heart bleed,

laid on the ground

stomped on & mashed

in to tiny little pieces?

I ain't gots no words for you,

none to boost your manly ego

so you can strut

strut like a *******
two legged jack-assed' peacock,

but how about you tell me

why you're a liar & think to get mad

when I don't believe you

& even more upset- I'd say *******

now that I no longer trust your action

or whatever it is you

be yapping about

these days

but member

I ain't gots no words

not for you

or your misogynistic bull

on how
I'm pose to cook, clean & never voice a need,

want or desires

long as

I birth your hate and give into your twisted commands.

Hell Naw!!!

I ain't gots no words for you,

not  when your

fist- I've tasted as it collided with my lips,

guessing for me a lovers kiss

was dismissive & none of me got your affection

Not when you've given all you had & shut *****

was the only thing you had left to me

Nor
when I'm down in

womb-like form

holding my knees to chest

while

your standing slightly bent

over me

talking bout

say another motha-******* word

your
hand's balled up

cocked back

ready to strike

I ain't have no words then for you

cuz'

you nearly choked out my life

I ain't gots no words for you,

I ain't gots no words for you,

I
just
ain't gots no words for you,  

  not when you,   

  when you, 

you

Say falsely you "love" me
& I longing for just this fall prey once more
as
I let you
climb in bed & hold me,

spread wide my legs    

Ooo  mmmmm
mmmm aahh oooo

* I know I'm living in your lies
Your My demise.

This life's fading

from my view

which is why

I ain't gots no words for you



(Cuz' finally-You killed me.)*

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
K.A.C.L.N ©
All right reserved ®

Feeling like quicksands surrounding me,
trapped here sinking into the unknown,

grasping at flimsy vines- like branches
from this willow tree near by.

The more I move to catch a hold
of it's long flowery vine- like branch,

the more I'm swallowed up
in this murky quicksand...

I need to get out & move on from here.

It's not so cold & a bit comforting to me,
scary as it is to be sinking to my death.

Like those strong arms
which once held me closely- so tightly,
I almost suffocated...   almost.

I had a dipsomania for those arms,
like those vine- like flowery branches.

A curiosity brooding over me
for a need I'd hardly allow,

like the longing to move out of this pitted hole
where slowly I'm being devoured...

Sadly for me, I seem to have a lack of
romantic-relationship acumen.

I've fell into your trap yet noticed you were
a master at excogitating reasons not to do

the assigned requirements for what would
of been a everlasting affair.

You've sinking me faster into the depths of loneliness
lies welling up and surrounding me in darkness.

Sandy banks seems with in reach,
yet I can't get a firm grip on this branch- like vines,
omnipresent swinging gently in the breeze.

Like those strong arms
which once held me closely- so tightly,
I almost suffocated...   almost.

I had this painful self-injected
craving for you like taken ******
for the first time,
only drug of choice though was you.

In my mind eyes, your succumbing
to my wicked desires where

I put you into un-rational thoughts,
guess you'd say it was
irrational

to think of you in such a poisonous,
concupiscent way.

Knowing as I do that you've
yet to quench me or fulfill this

wrongful,
painful  burden of need,
not of late and not for a long time now.

I'm stretching out my arms,
all the while the slightest movements causes me to
descend deeper into this murky slushy quicksand...

Seemingly it's rising up,to cover my chest
I'm finding it hard to concentrate,  

I guess it's the same for you
with your  irascible disposition,
ever since you've found out,

I'm no longer willing to be your victim .

I'm not going to let you swallow me whole
leaving my bones to surface later

once you've dried up
from the magnitude of your collections,
with in your murky lugubrious quicksand.

I've fought this long & I'm winning,
I have the willow's finger-like viney flowery
branch,  firmly with in my hands.

I've grasped on so tight, because,
because- I know what it's like to be free,
to live and not be ****** in,

to forever & never able to reach
that bank which always seemed more like
a mirage,

I knew to be more real then the many sandy
"I love you's"
you've plead & fibbed out to me,

I felt what it's like to laugh & dance
as the sun beats humidly down on me,

I know what I want & it's not to be with you
or die in your*

QUICKSAND!

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

Airbrushed watercolors

steal tonight,

Majestic acrylics
like royal purple,
lavender & reds-
silken sheets a mess

boldly he  molds
her to his skillful hands,

browns & blues, pinks & greys.

Flesh tones meshed in silhouettes

Lips

touching in the sweetest embrace,

as his body joins with hers.

Slowly
masculine hands
hold her tightly

while his ramrod manhood finds it's mark.

Her
tulips open moist for him

&

his honey dew kisses scorch her coco skin,

leaving her heated with each caress of his lips,

burning with each touch of his fingers,

she's never tasted such desire,

from sun up to sun down,

he's ready & willing.

Her
tiny whimpers & plea's escape her

as
his tantalizing assault

causes her to convulse inside & out..

Her
release continues to intensify

and

he's like a caged beast

trapped- with her tightly

pinned beneath him
as
he pounds deeply
within her velvet walls.

She's moaning, clinging,

legs wrapped round his waist,

nails digging deeply

in & down

his back with each stroke

with

each ******

she's moving in sync crying out

as

he causes such havoc

on her body,

scorning her skin

with

each lavish

flick of his tongue.

It's morning and the day breaks

rays of sunlight

streams into

their bedroom,

he's yet to be done

and

for hours now

her body's been

his canvas.

He's painted her

wild & wanton

seductive & brazenly wicked

he's stroked her

rose bud ****** assorted colors

against her velvet walls,

masterfully opened

and

vigorously

he strummed

her tulips to spread widely

on his canvas.

He's melted her to him

and

there's no other place she'd rather be

than on-*

His Canvas.

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I need to find the words,

It's hard to say all I long to tell you,

I need to find the words,

A way to express what's inside

of me.

I need to find the words,

Anything would be better

than not opening up at all.

But, how do I tell you

I want you to go slowly-

swiftly into my dewy throbbing

velvety soft petals & take my nectar,

and as you do so, I'd like for you to

kiss my lips making them part on their own

As your tongue rules it's assault  within my mouth,

so seductively & tantalizingly good...

I need to find the words,

It's hard to say all I long to tell you,

I need to find the words,

A way to express what's inside

of me.


I need to find the words,

Anything would be better

than not opening up at all.

But, how do I tell you I want you to

move in sync with me,make the beat

flow & speed up the tempo
just a little, as we dance horizontal.

slip out betwixt my  limbs & spread me wide
with your massive fingers, slide 1, 2 maybe even 3-
inside of what's now become your permanent
playground,

& move in&out; deeply keep up that tempo
and my hips will follow your lead.

As you do this, move your tongue over my rosebud
& lavishly **** the nectar from me.

Lick & flicker over my swollen bud,
a bit faster than before,
mmmm,

I'm longing for you to enter me again,
I long for you to bend me over
& let your will be done...

I need to find the words,

It's hard to say all I long to tell you,


I need to find the words,

A way to express what's inside

of me.


I need to find the words,

Anything would be better

than not opening up at all.


But, how do I tell you


I want you?!!*
(more than air it self?)

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®

I never been on

Verses & Flow or Poetry Slam

don't get me wrong

I'd love to be

but me sharing like that on "mic"

scares the ******* life outta me

yet I admit

I want to in fact would love it

But right now-

I can only tell you how I feel
&
this is how I let **** out

express me&sometimes; let you in

so this is a poem I've made about this dude.

A dude whose comforting and new

a dude whose lenient

and beautiful inward & outward.

He talks to me of so many thing

and he has a mind that speak more

volume then money....

I've been know to deal with them  baller's

those who'd spend on me-

the moment I call em.

He's gentle and kind,

mindful of me & my needs

even

funny even at times

when he's joking round with me.

He lights my way and makes me see

not of everything physical,or ****** either

but of inspiring dreams

for me to do better

than what I've been told I could barely achieve

from listening to past assaults

and dead weighted-ended relationships...

To opening the ******* door

& letting me just be ME....

My hair weaves

he complimented

and my braiding techniques too

from my beautiful big lips

plus this luscious **** hours glass phat *** shape

he says baby your amazing

then kisses my forehead

like Taye Diggs did in both The Best Man movies.

When he touched my breast- not in a ****** way

I felt finally safe-

cuz I asked did you feel the lump there

he kisses me on my cheek

tells me it's ok even if my hair falls out

and all my weaves went away,

he's seen me without em,

seen me with out makeup too.

No need to worry since there isn't even a lump,

so he says & I smile widely.

but if it was I'd still be the most beautiful

this he promises me

and looks me right in my eyes.

This dude says he watched me sleep

sometimes until the early morn

and looked at me like I've never

looked at myself.

Mind you I know I'm fine

but barely was I ever able to know my wealth,

to even ******* know myself worth

or who I really was.

Sadly so beautiful but yet I'm so tainted & insecure

He's seen this about me long ago

yet I thought before him-

that love had to hurt

that the pain I've caused me-

from dealing with other types of "love"

from dudes due their share was somehow real

Other dude's who'd spend

and who'd **** me deep & put my *** to sleep

was what love meant

this "love" I was so used to-

was pose to be fist knocking back my head

eyes black in their sockets,

clothes ripped off

and me being slammed to the ground ******

and left bleeding

Left, deserted, abandon

and me sore bruised-

from ever part of me

cops coming once a month

or when he ****** his boss & I went the *******.

Or love was him- telling ole girl in Chi Town

how much he couldn't live with out her

while sitting on the toilet in my house-

in my bathroom after ******* me

and calling it making love.

Or love was pose to be in my head

when he let his cousin get away with ****** me-

yet I was the who got her *** beat.

I thought from

the age of 6

that I was pose to lay there

just spread wide for you

and let you use me

pinch

poke and rule me!

I didn't know this kind of man

so every time dude came around-

I'd chase him away.

telling him

NAW man I don't date white boi

(that's slang for boy)

but
I've dated the Italian and he liked them easy women

the ones he could change and manipulate

I've dated the Natives born of this "America" land

he showed me what my mother tried to hide-

like a drunkard father beating her at night

this was the Native

who wasn't taught how to eve3r be a man

Then there was Paul-

a mixed up race/breed Native too-

Apache yet Mexican and yet American

in New Mexico they're called Chicano's

so guess that what the **** he was

he had the short man complex

and couldn't bother to talk

he thought *** would be pleasurable

but sadly for me & him

his baby toddler *****

just didn't do the trick.

So hurting worded voices loudly spoke

caused me abuse,

I guess it's still my fault-

I allowed them to hurt me.

The smooth talker,

Casanova,

The Ballers,

The players with the nice whips

(That means cars y'all)

The man who could **** out my mind & my brains

get my ***** wet before he even got to my house

The Mr. Fix it-

whose good at fixing ****

but not for being committed

cuz his check wasn't enough to even put a dent in my rent

and his habit of scathing his *****

and calling me ***** just didn't work.

So these are them type motha fuckas

I'm used to-

like ole boy

who'd carry my books

and help me with all my assignments in college

for a peek yet talk and brag about the *** he hadn't ever hit

not me but that's the story he told

lying since his reputation depended on it.

Sorry but this was my thinking this was how it went

& how it was meant or pose to be

yet
the Egyptian had it best

on top of all these dudes.

His was the ultimate

because his lies where centered

by half truths

which I know

know were more lies

than his word sworn on a Qur'an,

he'd **** his best friends wife

then beat me into submission,

**** me- buy me....

BUY Me,

Bought me

like a slave from way back when

buy me

love me

then buy me some mo

He'd buy all kinds of **** to keep me claiming for me

houses, cars, jewelry,

and name brand items- I'd have a black eye,

ribs smashed to pieces,

but **** I looked real cute

limping round  in my new **** from

Sax 5th Avenue, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada & Versace.

**** name it & I maybe already had it

this is the same man who saved me from

being ***** by my foster father,

yet he became like the foster father

he saved me from

seemingly

after we've became husband & wife...

So when dude comes calling

I hold back built higher walls,

push him away,

fight and get in his face,

waiting for the monster to come out

waiting for him

to slam me to the floor or ground

I never believe a word he says

always looking for a reason or excuse

calling him lair and fake

telling him to ******* & go away

never really given him a

chance for him to be my man.

I be mean and I make him wait

but he says I know your pain

and together we can make it

just let's take it day by day.

He kisses me lightly,

caresses me tenderly

massages me to sleep

listen to my every word

and gives great advise,

has been a friend and part of the family

he has opened me

to expressing his own

pains trails & tribulations

never judgmental or abrasive

not even abusive

not even a little bit.

But
my ****** up mind is so scared

so afraid and ****** I'm worried

.

Honestly my hearts succumbed to his un-willful ways

but I can't fathom

once more being hurt

and I don't know if I even want to

yet I think I do.

So tell me help me please

explain

give advise and tell me

how do I say no when for many months now

he's been making me the center of

His Universe?!

Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®