(TW: Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation)

If you could see into the riot that is my mind
You would not begrudge me my knife
You would not withhold from me the ledge
Which I only cling to for your sake
Unsure if letting go would help or harm you
I’ve read the statistics
Would my departure bring about your ruin?
Or am I truly the baggage you are forced to carry
The burden you bear out of a sense of obligation
So I stay, forever uncertain
Indecision is not a comfort that is granted me

My pastor told me:
This world’s as close to heaven as you’ll ever get
I don’t even care that he’s right
I’ve spent enough years begging the sky for answers
To know that clouds don’t speak
The one thing I know for certain
Is my demons are incredibly devoted
And the devil is more attentive than the angels

Keep the burdens hidden deeply
A hard and bittersweet refrain
A tide that washes over sand
With cold that triumphs over rain
Which freezes over memories
But even that couldn't hinder pain

The times will change, the soul is fickle
Not just one more thing and one still
But multitudes that will overcome
A sooty glass that light can't fill
Yes, times will change and places too
A clock with chime sharp and shrill

The world’s no longer in my grasp
I find the darkness is within
But the light is gone outside as well
Elbow on my desk, hand cradling my chin
While cold and multicolored figures
Come to gaze upon me for then

I am a black and white shadow
A gray that cannot be unbroken
Opaque as ever years and years
A fog born forever as this token
But nothing that passed brings forth emotion
I will stand forever with words unspoken

The world is different from the other side
I draw the curtains, shut out the night
But with that I shut out the day
Beautiful colors, lovely and bright
Bolted door and comfort lonely
Safe and far away from sight

(TW: Eating Disorder and Self-Harm)

1. Wash the tears from your face before going outside
2. Always wear long-sleeves and pants to conceal the scars
3. And wear gloves to hide the bruises on your knuckles
4. Put on makeup to cover the insomnia
5. Always smile and laugh so they think nothing’s wrong
6. Throw-up the food you ate to avoid their worry
7. Cover all the holes in the wall with picture frames
8. Only cry after everyone has gone to bed
9. Scream into the pillow so no one can hear you
10. Wipe the blood off the bathroom floor before morning
11. Repeat

I drive across a sunlit bridge over shining water
so deep
so beautiful
yet deadly as well
A reflection beside me?
Am I haunted by a sleeping past that causes doubt within my mind?
Yet now I imagine there is nothing
beside or behind me
now there is only the future and death.
My family has such certainty in these things
I do not understand
I am not like them
They see a man where I see only an empty seat
if there were a ghost he would do well to fasten his seatbelt

(TW: Suicidal Ideation and Self Harm)

Enjoy what life you have now, child, though it may not seem like much,
but those bottles won't always be filled with your favourite soda.
The lighters won’t only be for scented candles or bonfires.
The sharpeners will not be used for your brightly coloured pencils.
Those bottles of pills won’t just be for stomach aches or allergies.
The knifes you use to make your meals will have so much more to offer.
You will look enthralled from skyscrapers, but not to see the city.
Pray you die young, child, before all your demons come to find you.