This casing, is what I live in.
I am the glue holding the walls up.
and I am the hammer breaking them down.
and possibly, i'll be what pushes me over the edge, or i'll be the thing in which drags me even further down or maybe the thing in which spits in my own face.
but I do not want to be that anymore.
maybe I want to be more,
maybe anything else,
than my own destruction.
maybe possibly im not wrong, maybe possibly I am good enough.
but the thing is I do not care for what you want me to be because you do not matter in this little world in which humanity has discovered.
because your damage is done.
and I will not accept your cruelty any longer.
because dear me,
dear me,
I do not want you any longer.
love,
well me.
so say I am done, so say i continue down this new path,
will you forgive or have you already forgotten?
will you grow or have you already jumped?
or are you simply waiting to hit the ground, and finally crack?
or are you hoping that you can crawl up that wall, one last time?

i seek praise from you all.
i seek love from thy self.
i seek acceptance amoung society.
i seek to make you regret.
i seek to make you forget, i seek to make thy self forget,
i seek to not be you,
i seek to be all thy self can be.
i seek to simply be me.

you see,
i know im ****** up
you see i know im not perfect
you see i know im not you
you see i know im ruining myself
you see i know i need help
you see i know i cant do this
you see i know im sad too much.
you see i know you care
but i see that i can't be anything other than what i am because if i was something different, i would jump.
because what you dont see is that i like my views,
what you dont see,
is the real me, you assume im this other person,
what you don't see is what i hide because you dont deserve to see,
what you dont see is that i care to much what the world thinks of me,
you see that i dont care,
but what you dont see is what i need you to want,
because what i dont see is what you are hideing,
is who you really are,
because what i dont see,
will,
be,
the,
end,
for,
me.

my mind is whirling and comlexing,
my mind is becoming obssessed with you,
my brain has been manipulated and won't walk over the edge,
my mind is flipping, and screaming,
my mind is dictateing me,
and that little voice is you,
you are  killing me,
you are being you,
you are representing oh so many,
because you are what i need,
because you are me.

you see
if i were to be gone tommorro,
the world would still spin.
the sun would still
shine.
the snow would still
fall.
the laughter would
continue.
the insults would
keep
on
comin.
you see if i were not here tommorro, people would care,
yet people would
move
on.
you see if i were not here tommoro it would make a little difference,
but you see with my being here tommorro,
i can make a even bigger difference.
so why would i leave when i can prove you wrong,
why would i leave when i can be happy, and laugh,
why would i leave if you intrige me so,
why would i leave if i loved,
why would i leave if i wanted to be me,
why would i leave if i wanted to write,
why would i leave if i wanted to help you,
why would i leve if i wanted,
needed,
to prove myself wrong?

is it sad tht alli wish is for your acceptance
                                                             is it sad that i wish for you to look my way, and smile
                                                                                                    is it sad that i hate myself for likeing you
is it sad that youtake my breath away
                                                           is it sad that you mak me want to cry  out in pain
                                                                                                    is it sad that i got jealous when i saw you holding her hand
is it sad that you are the cause of thoose scars
                                                           is it sad that you are irresistable
                                                                                                    is it sad that when you defend me it makes me want to scream and laugh and cry at the same time
is it sad that you make me me
is it sad you are you
is it sad you are the one i love?
is it sad you are the one that makes me try?
is it sad that you are the one i hate?
is it sad
at all
one
bit
is
it
stupid of me to
care
?
is it dumb of me
one
little
bit?
is
it
posssible
that
i
co
ul
d
like and love and hate and need you
all
at
the
s
a
m
e

T
I
M
E
??????

sitting in class, perfectly silent, makes my teacher ask "are you sick, autumn?"
but you see mr. teacher you would not care even if i was. My mind said only deep to the bone, but you thought my normal obnoxiousness was normal for me. Yet this quietness inside me has been wanting to break out for oh so long and now it has. why must you believe i am the wau"i" am?
why couldn't you look deeper to find the real me?
i am not silent, nor am i what you all believe me to be.
so stop assuming i will do what oyu say,
so stop believeing i will say this not that,
so stop insulting me because your insults are so ridiculous you have no idea,
your insults don't even compare to me because you don't know me,
so i beg of you to please just stop.
so i beg of you to please just keep on going as if nothing will make a differnecr when im gone.
i beg of you to stop defending me.
i beg of you to stop saying i impressed you with my being quiet when thats who i aam, i beg of you to stop being so danm ignoraant.
i beg of you to open your eyes.
for thats all i want.
open your eyes, and seee that i am me and you are you,
and that that's
what it simply
is.
so
i
beg
of
you
to
p
l
e
a
s
e
open
your
EYES

let the wind carry the weight upoon your shoulders away,
let the wind blow new air in that gorgous hair,
let the sun shine into your skin, let it seep so deep your skin cells dance with it,
let the grass nible at your ankles, let it support you,
let the water show you the way to freedom, let it wash away the **** upon your soul,
let the wind carry your heart,
let it lead you to love,
let it let you forgive thoose you hate,
let the wind simply be the wind.....

"you are my ******* creature do as i say" shouted the heart wrenching beast
the girl could see the emotion the beast had hiden
" no, you may think you own me, you may have just wasted your money and pride but you will ask nicely. that paper means nothing your ignorance shines through your skin, my love, you will regret me. i promise you that"
but the girl couldn't truly honestly believe that he would regret it for all she knew this purchase was the smartest thing the beast had ever done
" you know nothing! Do not dare call me your love for that thing, that revolting emotion is worthless, the world would be better off without it"
"what do you know of love, beast?"
and with that the beast stormed of to his jungle, knowing the girl was smart enough to keep her mouth shut.
the girl walked back to herr corrider the beast said was hers earlier, and fell asleep in her doorway, not wanting to enter the room. the girl ponderd her thoughts while her eyes were shut. had the beast once been something more? once felt love, once gave sympathy? Once cared? Once wrote of happiness, not just death? was the beast something she could fix? Something she dared want?

once upon a time there was a girl,
she was purely happy,
and she was a young one to,
she had little friends but they were the best of best friend friends,
that girl lived everyday to the fullest,
the girl explored her brain,
but one day the girl brroke that door down in her brain,
one day that girl tore the blindfold off her eyes,
one day that girl decided she wasn't what she wanted ti be,
wanted to represent,
one day that girl changed
that girl became the one to be told to shut her mouth,
but that girl shall express her opiion, no matter what you tell her what o do,
no matter how hard you punch,
no matter how  sharp your knife is,
no matter how much your pathetic words sting,
that irl changed,
that girl wanted to BE somehing,
because she could,
that girl isn't as happy anymore, at all, but the price of happiness for the lpeasureof seeing the world for what it really is is more than justifiable,
that girl see's the lie behind your eyes now,
she see's people for who they are now,
including herself.
and that girl now, has many more flaws than before,
but that girl has oh so much more pride in herself, for that girl,
see's.

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

love

m
e

?

w
h
y

d
o

y
o
u

hate

m
e

?
­

a
n
d

w
h
y

d
o

i

care
?

you expect me to care what you do,what you say, what you think,
why?
because you are so use to being judged, because you are so use to being told that that's wrong, not right for you to say, for you to think that,
you expect me to me botherd by your threats,
why?
because you are so use to being scared yourself, because you are so use to not being you out of simple cowardicity, because you are so use to feeding off thoose of the weak you expect us to back down,
you  expect me to scream back in your face,
why?
because so many do that regularly, because you want me to sinnk to your level, because you simply want someone to relate to, someone to be in the same boat as you,
you expect me to rrun away,
why?
because you think you don't deserve what every human does, because you think that if you get help, that if i wanted to help, that you would let me down, because that is what you have been trained to do your entire life, let people down, because you have said no so many times wishing someone would say i know you want to say yes, because you yourself have ran away,
you expect me to stop, and look, and ask what's wrong?
why?
because you think you deserve help, because you think you are lower than i, because you think that i should simply pity you because you are the way you are, because you are in the circumstances you think you are in, because you assume i am a good person,
you expect me to do the right thing,to not betray you,
why?
because you have been cradeld, because you are so naieve, because you have been taught that people in my position ofpower are all good, are to be trusted, are to be romodels to look up to, because you simply want to be right,
you expect me to be loyal, to not lie, to want to be responsible,
why?
because that is what you have been taught is morally correct, because that is what you have been taught is what you must be to go far in life,
you think you are ugly, disgusting,
why?
because you have been told that you are ugly, because you have beentold that people who say you are oretty are lying, because you have been trained, forced, to believe that this is what' s beautiful, that this is whats ugly,
you expect people to care, people to be "good", people to betray you, you expect people to think your ugly, you expect people to say no, to say yes, you expect people to want to strive for better, you expect to be or not to be disapointed,
why?
because your brain was set that opne thing is ight one thing is worng, that you must reach standards to be "good" or to be "bad, because that is wat you have only ever known, because human's are human's. and we are our future death, and we are what will **** this earth, and we are what kills each other, and we are what makes each other happy, and whether we think we are good or bad, whether we need this or thtt it is ecause of society's standards, because of society's rules inwhich "must be obeyed" but what if the true fun part of life is breaking thoose rules, crushing thoose standards, an recreating something that isn't what we have known always.

dear noah,
      i do not understand you, nor do i comprehend you
i do not understand why you are smileing, nor do i understand why you are crying,
i do not understand what i have done to you,
i do not understand why you despise me so,
i do not understand why i seek your approval,
i do not understand what thoose things called words are coming out of your mouth, i do not understand why they cut me so deep with such venom?
is it because i cannot fix you?
is it because there may be nothing to fix and you simply truly are oh so very you?
i do not understand why you do not understand me,
is it because i do not let you see all of what i wanted you to know?
is it because i built that wall too high?
or do you understand and simply dont want to?
oh boy, you are my light that nearly suffocated itself within the dark,
you are my tears that are to strong, to cowardly to fall down my face,
you are my smile, that see's, hear's, no critisizeme,
you are the thing that makes me want to think,
want to care,
you are the thing inwhich i love.
you are what defines what i want, and because of that i will never have you.
because oh boy, it isn't because we are in two seperate worlds,
it isn't because we are so different,
it isn't because i cannot tell you what i have been screaming at you forever,
oh boy, could it be because you are what would give me happiness?
could it be because a single day without you drives me nuts?
could it be because we are both cowards, hiding behind smiles and yeah no problem's?
could it be because you cannot leave your sacred playground, while i create my own, while i make what i want, and do what i want in it?
could it be because you are still obeying thoose flimsy rules, because you want to obey thoose rules?
could it be because we both are trying to hard to live up to expectations?
could it be because we both are so **** close to what will **** us?
                                                                                                                                                 love,
                                                                                                                                          me.

want leads to greed
want leads to obesity
want leads to death
want leads to determination
want leads to the fake meaning of need
want leads to people being naieve
if there was no want in the world wouldn't it be so much better?
But we can'thave a happy go luck world where everyone's content within what they have can we?
But if there was no want in the world there would be no drive to keep us going,
there would be no people out there who don't just want but truly need to see the world change, to make the world change,
there would be no people out there who will start the evolution,
there would be no people who want to honestly simply HELP,
even if theese people are rare,
even with theese people being scarce,
even with theese people still growing up,
even with theese people wasteing away of old age,
they are still out there.
because thoose people are the one's from every background, who have expierenced it all, who want to expierence it all simply so they can use it to be better to become what the world needs, thrives for, can't keep spinning without.
we the people have the power to change to revolutionize to be different
we the people can shut thoose voices out,
we the people will be better than thoose who can't comprehend, than thoose too weak at the moment,
we the people will help thoose at the bottom screaming for help,
we the people will help thoose in the middle, thoose at the very top, thoose down in the ground that are screaming for our helpping hands,
because we the people simply can,
because we the people have to change the world,
because we the people have to try not for music, not for your parents, not for your future childeren, not for your religion, not because people think it's the right thing to do, But simply because we CAN do what we want simply because we have the POWER to make changes, so my friends take this chance as this world spins to stop it yank it out of the governements fragile, cowardly hands,
and ****** it in the air
Simply because we
CAN

if you think our society is civilized, i ask you why?
because we have clean clothes?
because we have homes made of wood and metal and not branches and mud?
because we dont tear each other's skin off dailey?
because we speak english?
society is the least civilized thing i have ever expierenced.
we drive each other to the point of insanity, we drive each other to slit knife's across our own fllesh, we cause each other to jump over that ledge,
we destroy other things for our own pleasure,
we ****, torture things and laugh,
we ruin a planet that gives us the "pleasure" of liveing,
we are cruel, beautiful, suicidal, most of us ignorant, judgemental, mind blowing, intricate, creatures. but the thing 98% of human's are not is civilized.

is privacy a right or a privalege?
is it something to anticipate, is it something you expect your fellow people to respect?
is it something you thought your government respected?
is privacy something you are willing to rid yourself of?
is privacy something you feel should be handed to you, not earned?
or is privacy, in your eyes, something that a 'civilized society" deserves?
is it something you deserve no matter what your charecter?
shouldyou be able to have it, without people thinking your keeping secerets?
but what happens once you abuse your privacy?
can you earn it back or will it always be something all to far away?
if you abuse your privacy, do you change your views upon whether it should be handed to you or whether it should be earned?
do you trust yourself with privacy?
do you trust anyone with privacy but, what if, in privacy is when the real you shines?
then is privacy all you are made of and without it you would be nothign at all but a human carcous inwhich talks?
at which all you are becomes you within privacy, your views will change or will they not?
privacy is a right, but it is a right abused and overlooked more than it being used appropriately. like most things in this here country.

i see you smilen at me, but your eyes are pure anguish,
i see you looking down at the floor, wishing something i cant hear because you won't say it aloud,
i sneak a look at your face and it'spure cowardice,
i look you in the eyes and see smething that i know you can't handle by yourself,
i look your way and see you for you, not the person you portray,
because all i want is for you to take your guard down,
to take off that fake show,
to trust me with your true self,
to let me help,
because all i want is the real you.

that girl walks down the hallways owning the show,
that girl acts as if thoose voices in the background dont even phase her,
that girl walks on with a smile, laughing at thoose voices in the background encouraging them even,
that girl raises her hand in class and answers correctly, getting the answer right, with claps in her ears she still acts as if the things in the backgound don't matter,
that girl goes to all thoose clubs and participates more than anyone else,
that girl acts as if the daggers slung at her are simply something to laugh at, something to enjoy,
but when no one's looking that girl cares, that girl becomes exactly who she truly is.
when no ones looking the grl can be quiet without people wondering "what the **** happend to her?"
when no ones looking that girl becomes mellow and lets things sink in,
when that girls by herself she let's thoose daggers slice through her flesh leaving thoose awfully noticable scars,
when no ones looking that girl can become obnoxious with thoose who society judges the most, without getting crtisized,
when that girl is alone she can't help but wonder "what the **** happend to the world? i thought this was once a place to be proud of? once a place to have pride in?"

what is wrong with me? to think that i can talk to you?to think that i can say the things i say? For you know more than i, for i miss thoose who told me no. For talking to a 19 year old at the age of 14 is revolting, so what the hell caused me to want what is true revoltation?

So if you knew i wear spike jewerly,
if you only knew how obnoxious i really am,
if you only knew the mistakes ive made,
if you only knew half the people i hang out with,
if you only knew the scars i show'd you,
how would you think of me?
If you only knew my grades, sports, and all the activities ive done,
if you only knew the times i've stood up for thoose people labeld as friends,
if you only knew the smiles upon my face,
how would you think of me?
So when i enter your sight i beg of you, no that would be a lie i expect you to not label me, because for all you know, i could be just as good,
or just as bad,
or even worse,
or even better,
than you.

when you are hit with that insult you fantasize about 24/7 i will try and laugh, and maybe a giggle escapes. With all my efforts of trying to escape, trying to hide how much damage you have enduced, how much of my soul you have just stolen from me, i will disasterly fail. And the pain will seep through my eyes. and i will once again fail to surprise myself. For all your insults havent made me stronger, oh all your insults have just stripped my confidence, away. Fo all your insults have done is make yourself a bigger ******, all your insults just let everyone see how unworthy of a life you really are. But that statement would be a lie. For all your insults have done is damage me to a lce no ne will be able to repair but me. nd when you wonder, mother, why i am the way i am. Please do not look at me for answer's look in the mirror and, then, i beg of you glance at society. Because when society has reached the point of utter disgustance that suicide is something you simply insult someone with is funny, when society reaches the point of utter dissapointment that so mny people feel the need to die to escape, you should not be blaming anyone. Society itself should be looking at what we have made of ourselves. society itself should be looking at how the bad parenting reflects so much. because it only takes one insult, to send so many people over the edge.

is it odd that  i care about everything you say?
is it normal to analyze every word, every smirk out of or on your face?
                          is
                             it
                                pathetic
                                       that i honestly can't stop fixating over you?
is it normal to care about what exactly isn't what he said and think?
                                                                                                                                                  is
                                                                                                                                           it
                                                                                                                          wrong
                                                                                        to feel emotions i despise creeping into my soul,
                                              creeping into what i stand for,
creeping into what i am now made of?
it is WRONG to become something you hate,
but then again
        what if what you hate is what you were truly all along?
              what if what you hate is what other's wish for,
                     what others think is what is just fine?
so is it right or wrong to simply show your feelings every moment of every second, to show him what you have become or to show him whaat you've been this whole time?
                       or....
are you simply a coward, complicating things into a poem for others to analyze?
writing things out to run away from what you honestly can't deal with anymore, can't take anymore?
                  or are you simply writing in the past?

some can say hope is beutiful maybe it is in times of when hope is your last reason for taking that last breath, or of not jumping off that bridge,
maybe it is in thoose circumstances,
but when you you hope for oh so long,
hope becomes nothing but you believeing in some pathetic idea,
and maybe when you tell someone this pathetic idea they say
" that's so normal though! how can you  hope for that?"
that's when you  know you arn't right anymore. That somethings wrong with you.
when relizing that hope for you is something the average person thinks is normal, something the avergae person feels every day.
expierences everyday.
when you relize hope, is truly some pathetic overused idea of your.
Your hope has turned into something disgusting,
when you hope for a true smile, one that you don't have to fake ,
a true laugh just once,
that is what hope does to some people. ey are at the end of their to short rope and they hope.
but you can only hope for so long.
and after you are done hoping what is left?
faking everyday for the rest of your life to fulfil someone elses idea's expectations for you?
inwhich at this point death becomes so exotic and wonderful.
and after you first think that thought, of death being the true answer,
you don't care anymore or you just start caring about EVERYTHING and every point off of a one hundred kills you,
when every inisult from him starts tearing at your flesh,
when evert thought of yours isn't "good" starts to ich ever so much more, when every glance that isn't a good one makes you feel o so ******.
death really does become your most faverable topic then, and people wonder why you are the way you are.
stop wondering and simply look at their ****** expressions,
simply listen to what they say,
simply try for them.

would you rather feel the sting of somebody not remembering you when they could not leave your mind even if you wanted them too?
or
forgooten, and glad that you were because of the awful tings youv'e done?
or
would you want to be recalled and here the dissapointment in their voice as to what they remember you as?
or
would you want to be recalled for the only good things you'vr done making your whole life, look like something out of an all to sweet fairytail?

You got me smilen boy, the thought of you lifts my spirit and im excited,
you got me boy, im smilen when you arn't even present, and within the sight of you boy you got me blushing,
boy you got me to smile, after such a long time, it's actually a purely happy one, that has no tinged pain hideing behind my heart,
and i just can't stop cause this smile is not stoppen no matter how many people try to tear it off this beutiful face.
because boy i think you got me.

people say trust isn't something simply givin, that it's something earned just like with respect right?
then why would we simplly hand out trust and respect to thoose above us?
to the goverment? we put our entire life in their hands. our entire future. We put our entire country in the hands or a stranger and trust them to not mess it up. Why would we simply trust that that police officer isn't lying about what truly happend? And why do we simply hand out respect to our elders? is it because it is the right thing to do? but who made up what was wrong and right? who or what has that power? no one and nothing. Therefore everyone's right and wrong are totally different. we don't know what our elder's do when we arn't looking, do we? So why is it expected of us to hand out respect? Sure it's polite, but yet, who made up what is and/or isn't polite?



Many people will answer this with god. Simply give god the power thaat he made us all. If i were god, i do believe he would regret his actions of creating human's, why create something so disgusting? So he has things to ackknowledge the beuty of earth? While we are ruining it? I do believe if there is a god he would have commited suicide. There is no reason to be proud of us human's in my eyes. We do terribe unforgiveable things, things that ruin, tear apart, demolish other's life. IN just one day it all could come crumbling down. It all did. It has multiple times before. And it will inevitably happen again.

with every smile you do not relize what it takes out of me,
                                                       with every wod something is taken away without my concent,
with every waking up in the morning you do not relize the war it induces throughout my thriving viens, throughout my skull,
                                                         with every word you say, every word i hear from you, i crumble to pieces, yet to the eye, im perfectly fine,
                                                      with every "Are you ok?"
i crumble.
                                                          yYou do not relize how much i have screamed for you,
that now my throat is raw,
                                                      that now i cannot function as i use to or could i simply never function.


Was it all just one big delusion?