I look around
And I wonder
How did I make it here
To a life I seem to be happy in
To a life I haven’t thought of leaving in so long
A life I wouldn’t want to leave
A me, I love
I remember how it use to be
And fear fills me
Insatiable hunger for more
Fills me
Every open space tingles
Feeling as though I am not doing enough
Feeling as though I am lost
I walk to his door
And for a moment
I wonder what am I doing?
Who am I?
Who have I become?
Would I recognize myself?
I call out to her-
And she smiles and nods at me.
I think you continue to walk
Maybe never knowing
And maybe they just say they know
But I don’t feel the dirt under my nails
I don’t feel the ache in the back of my throat
I don’t feel the passion burning and escaping and filling the room
I don’t feel the warmth on my hands
I feel the weight
Heavy on my heart-yet somehow basked in peace
And I do not know which path to take
So I will continue to live with the uncertainty
Until I feel
Feel it all

You wouldn’t know it
But if you look at my highlight reel
You would have no idea I lost so much in 2021
But you’ll see a trip to Montana, Maui, a college graduation, a commissioning, a BOLC graduation, new friends, and many smiles
That when I think of 2021 I think of those-
But I think of you
The one I fell in love with
And lost.
I think of the partner I had and grew out of.
I think of all of the decisions at night I took.
I think of so much more
And if you look back- you would have no clue.
And then I realized
That is my entire life.
If you look in 2017 you wouldn’t see the challenges
Or 2012 the self harm
And in 2018 you wouldn’t see me trying to leave a school
And in 2019 you would see me in China and Morocco- smiling and laughing and living
Being free
But every day
I do not forget where I came from
I do not let the growth live without acknowledgment
I applaud those that chase the wind until they feel it sweep them up
I embrace those that make the climb
And I reach out to those who are searching
And I save a place for when I return
To the dark places again
I savor a little light with me
To make the next journey
A step easier