My eyes full with tears
The joy I feel
Reflects in my smile for days
I am so proud of you
For being brave enough to want to see another day
For being here with me
For facing the darkness and choosing to fight your way to see a glimmer of light
I am so proud of you for getting out of bed and coming to work and showing up and being able to sit here and laugh with me today
I am so proud of you for existing

I do not know
Which is harder for me to accept
That you do not miss me
Or that I miss you so much?

I don’t need you but I wanted you.

To be enough
It is an odd feeling
To feel enough
And not be enough for someone
To know that as great as I am
There is nothing that could change their heart
Or maybe there is
A person
A laugh
A breath
A moment
That could have changed their mind
I do not know
But it is evident
It will not be from me
In their own time perhaps
But not now
Not with me
And it is hard to accept that
To be there for myself
To hug myself

I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there

I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You

I wish you had called me. I wish you were more clear that morning. I wish you had stopped me. I wish you cared as much as I did. I wish I was good enough for you.