Autumn

Autumn Feb 2021

Your lips on my lips
They were infused, hot, connected, deep, fulfilling, sensual
Something I hadn’t felt in a long time,
Like I could not get enough of them.

Your body on mine
You inside me
You all around me
Your caress
Your hug
Your energy

You had the ability to drown out the background noise,
the connection to make my depression feel heard and seen and valid.

And now you are gone
And now i am left with the knowledge of what you told me
And the reality of what you did
And the impact of not knowing for sure
And the fact that you overdid it
And the question of the intent

And I am left wondering if you are happy wherever you are or if you are still in pain?
And I am left wondering if there is a way I could be with you?
And I am left fantasizing of a way for no pain for me too?

And I am left missing you
I am left crying every day when I never cried before
I am left knowing I could have done more if I had realized sooner
I am left with myself and a pit in my stomach
I am left in a world with laughter and sunshine and chocolate and freedom and hikes
A world that you are no longer in
But a world that maybe you hadn’t enjoyed in too long
A world I take a trip to once in a while
A world I can hold on for
Even if that is a world without you

Autumn Dec 2020

22 and still sad

My first poem on here is from 2012.
I did not begin writing online until my entire journal was full of sad poems already.
8 years ago, I was already 1-2 years deep in that journal.
did you ever think at 11 or 12 you would still be this sad?
****,
it is really hitting me. I am 22 and time and time again
it gets me.
it comes back for me.
This is what I wonder when you hear of middle aged men and women committing suicide.
Did they make it that far just for it to climb up the walls and drag them down again?

Autumn Dec 2020

quarantine life

I have not had to quarantine this entire pandemic until now
In the beginning I was an essential worker
working 40 hour weeks with my own apartment
Now I am stuck at home
in a non-essential position
quarantining because my bf had Covid.
test and test and test
and how do I not have it?
how do you go from being productive with depression to in a house with nowhere to go, nothing to do depression
So here I sit wondering how others made it through alive?

Autumn Nov 2020

Am I worth it

Life has so many moments-
And I just want you to know that
The laughter and smiles are worth it.
They’re worth the times when you cry in the corner,
Or the times you only crave to hurt yourself.
It’s all worth it.
The wind in your face,
The sun in your eyes,
The view of your happy sister,
The freedom of a jog before you,
The opportunity to just be.
I promise you are worth it.
Just remember that.

Autumn May 2020

To live

What an exhilarating experience life is
What a privilege I have to smile
And laugh
And be free
How the colors twinkle
How the music plays in the bumpy car ride with the one I love sitting next to me
My gratitude is out of this world
And this is why it so sad
When I am
Sitting In the car with the hand of the one I love on my thigh
And I still think
It is okay if I die

Autumn Apr 2020

Untitled

He pays me for the night.
He gifts me with a present.
He asks for a show and tell.
He asks for a season and no ***.
He reminds me of whose bed this is.
He reminds me of what we are.
He reminds me of what we are not.
He does not pay me and do I ask?
He will soon have another gift for me.
He asks for a cuddle and sleep night over.
He asks for a kiss.
I am unsure of this new playground.