He talks of love and trust and a future.
But every time he goes out,
All I can remember is that he cheated on his ex of 5 years.
All I can remember is how he shared an apple with a flirty girl right in front of me. How he yells to the strangers on the sidewalks to say “hello”.
How he yelled at me when I did not share my bed.
How he becomes mean and aggressive when he takes too many sips,
How he is a new person when alcohol is mixed.
In the moments or hours rather of silence,
All I think of is the girls attempting to flirt with him.
The girls that said I was not good enough for him.
The friends that said he could do better than me.
His voice talking to another girl other than me saying he is friendly but not seeing the glint in her eyes.
All I can think of is him cheating on me even though he has done no such thing.
I know he loves me.
I know I am good enough, I know I am The best girlfriend he could ever have.
******* it I know I am the best thing that ever happened to him.
But is he the best thing that ever happened to me?
The thought in my head says yes.
The darkness hides when we are together and he gives me moments of happiness.
And maybe this is why I am so afraid to lose him.
Is this why I tell him to leave?
Is this why I try to leave?
So I can say I left and was not left behind?
I know I am the best.
I do not know if intoxicated him is as trustworthy as sober him.
I do not know if all the worry is worth it.
If I am a chore to him what does that say about me?
Is it all my trust issues?
Even if it is should he not be accommodating to my feelings?
It has almost been 3 years.
Will we even get to 3 years?
Almost is such a bitter word.

And I wonder,
Late at night,
Are these tears worth it?

Pain does not derive from strangers, but from those you thought were friends.

Give yourself the value you see in everyone else for once
Love yourself the way you want to be loved
Praise yourself the way you praise your friend
Be proud the way you are of your little sister
Respect yourself the way you respect your God or Idol
Learn to Love Yourself the way you deserve it
You are not less than anyone else
You are everything

life is passing by,
am i living it?
am i leading it?
am i a passerby in my dreams?
am i a spectator to the ambitions of a ghost?

life is slipping into the sunset,
have i enjoyed my accomplishments?
was i truly in the moment whilst trying to be?
did i let the depression overpower the happiness?

Will I get everything I wanted and continue to feel this way?

A beautiful smile empowers infinite possibilities
and hides minuscule imperfections.

Depression is the reason you think I am so successful.
I am never good enough.
My grades are never perfect enough
My weight is never low enough
My comments are never witty enough
My photographs are never the best
My poems are never decent
My life is meaningless unless I create massive change.
My life is disposable with each second that passes.
And that is why you think I am such a success.
How odd it is for people to compliment you and be jealous of some things when you youself only do these things because of your depression?
What a conundrum.
How odd it is to inspire another when you are the biggest disappointment you know?
How odd it is to have someone give your life value when you cannot?