There’s a war inside me
Between creation and destruction
Chaos and Law
Good and evil
Yin and yang

At any moment one force grabs my mind
Destroying the thoughts in its path
Hatred, fear, gone in a flash
Kindness, humor, love, ran through by recklessness

My mind is the battlefield
Soaking in the leftovers of a never ceasing war
Wanting nothing but piece
But the rain of violence continues

Wishing the weapons to turn to flowers
For trenches of hatred to become flowing rivers
For light to shine on the bleak hellscape
But the battle continues

Chaos beats Law
Good defeats evil
Destruction obliterates creation
But from chaos comes order
From good darkness arises
From nothing comes something
Yin from yang
Yang from yin

The war continues, a shadow of darkness ever encroaching
Until light is snuffed from the sky
The war lost

A flood of thoughts fill my head
Giving me moments of clarity before vanishing again
I want to write but can only think of math,
Want to code but can only find words,
Try to game and all I think of are chores I need to do
Believe me when I say I’m doing my best
Even if you’ve seen me do better
Cause my body is there
But my mind wanders
Seldom do they meet

Why do you hate us?
We are people, human ******* beings
Just like you, we look for love
Only, we don’t always follow the rules society gave us
Because those rules say that we can’t love
Without love, we wouldn’t be happy

People wonder why depression is worse—
Why suicide is worse—
In the LGBTQ+ community— my community
It’s because people like you tell us we can’t love

Do me a favor, and really try to focus
Imagine one day, you wake up, just like normal
Your crush, partner, fiancé, spouse, whoever
Is gone... only, you can still see them
They sit on a bench across the street
You run outside to get to them
But a wave of people start yelling at you
Telling you to *******
That you’re a *******
That you don’t deserve to live
Because you are in love with them

Do you feel that pain?
That sharp stabbing pain, right in the heart
To be an arms reach away from each other
But never able to touch?
That pain is what I feel
Because I get told
“You ******* f_ggot.
You piece of ******* ****.
******* *******.”
Just for loving the person I do

Next time you want to come up to me
And tell me to go die,
Just remember that pain
Remember what it was like
To be so close, yet so far away

Just remember I’m human too

To all of those insulting people for being gay
calling them “***”
or are otherwise homophobic
you don’t have to answer, just read
How many of you are gay yourselves? How many of you have a gay family member or close friend?
How many of you have known what it’s like to come out?
To know that you may not be welcomed by your friends or family?
To have to keep your mouth shut about a piece of yourself
out of fear of being rejected over something you can’t control?
If you don’t know the pain that festers inside
You have no right
To insult those who feel that pain
Every
Single
Day

Today’s the day
I move the tassel left
I get the paper in my hand saying it’s over
Today’s the day we wait for 13 years to see
Every one is excited, but I feel empty
Today’s the day
I leave every I knew behind
The schedule I dreaded following is now over
And I can only wonder
What now?
Today’s the day
I made jokes about how happy I would be today
Yet sadness takes over as I realize
I may never see these classmates—these friends— again
Today’s the day
And I want to go back

He sat at the bar
She sat next to him
They talked and drank till closing
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night he sat at the bar
She walked in
They had a laugh and a drink
He asked her back to his place
She declined and took a cab home

The next night she walked in
And he was gone
She asked if the bartender had seen him
He said “not tonight”
She had a drink and waited
After an hour he hadn’t shown up
She took a cab home
A man was sitting on her porch
A bouquet of roses drooped in his hand

“How did you know where I lived?”
“You took a cab” he explains
“When you told him your address
I wrote it down
Because there’s no way in hell I’ll let you,
The prettiest woman,
Walk away without trying
So here I am,
Dinner?”
He held out his hand
She took it and pulled him inside

We don’t speak anymore
As school closes, and we move on
I wanted to thank you
For being there for me
Being my person
The one who we could talk and ***** and in the end
None of it mattered

Thank you for being there at my best and worst moments
Ready to console me if you could
For putting up with me
Even though I could be annoying

Thank you for being there
To ground me to reality
For being the first to know
For so many things

After all we went through
I never thought it would end like this — with naught but a poem to say
Thank you

There’s too much heartbreak in people’s lives
Souring our moods
Changing us from ourselves
Love only made me vulnerable
Love only made me stupid
Love only made me open to pain
I am not ready to feel that pain
I am not ready to feel that stupid
I am not ready to feel that vulnerable
I am not ready to feel love

It’s proven that you need 8 hugs a day
That’s all
But some people get a lot less
Leaving them starving for contact
Wishing they had a hand to hold
A person to hug
A set of arms to hold them
Just 8 a day to stay happy
That explains everything

I’m trapped in this house
Day in day out
All I see are the same four walls
The same two people
Every ******* day

Nothing to fill my time 5 days a week
The other two I spend talking to the same people
Hoping we have something new to say
But we never do

I fill my time with frustrating lines of code
Never doing what I say
Because of one misplaced semicolon
Slowly going insane
Insaner

Everyday the once large house grows smaller
As I get the diploma
Turn 18
And I can’t leave
I can’t do ****

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Give me something— anything— other to do
I need something
please

At one point
You are set down
And never picked back up
At one point
You never talk
To your childhood friends again
You are never the best
At every task you acomplish
You will have a pet
For part of your life
But all of theirs
Now is the oldest you’ve been
Yet the youngest you’ll be again
You’ve never directly seen
Your own face

Check your mail in a week
You should find a letter
One that tells you everything
Both of you should sit down
And read them
Dissect every word
Read the hate
Read the pain
That will be my last contact to both of you
So savor it
Realize what you left behind
When you started dating

I don’t write to make you feel pain
I write with hope you may better understand my soul

I was told once
“Wash your face after you cry
If nothing else
It hides the tears”

At least a quarter million words in english
And not one describes me

“Life’s a *****, and then you die”
“Yeah. But sometimes, life’s a ***** and you keep living”
The point is simple
Life’s a *****
And we all have to find a way to cope
But some people can’t
Life just keeps ******* them over
So more and more they draw back
Waiting for society to lend a hand
To pick them up
Some people need a hug
But everyone turns their back
Creating a wall that further shuts them into a corner
Huddling and waiting for someone to come...
Waiting....
Until they give up
And succumb to the darkness beyond
And all they can hope is the next step isn’t as hopeless

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

I’m tired of the repetition
Of waking up just to feel...
empty
Of going through the meaningless movements
In, out
Step, step,
Scrub, rinse
Type, delete
Because that’s all that life is
****...
I’m sick of it, but I don’t want to move on
I just want something different

Don’t waste any time with friends
Before you know it, they’ll be gone
And you’ll wish you had more time

Writing would help the pain go away
Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told
But really,
All it did was reopen wounds long healed
Given me a place to turn bitter
Giving me a place to ***** about this and that
“Why didn’t he like me?”
“Why did she say no?”
People are facing real problems
And here I am
******* about why I’m not happy
Even though there are much bigger problems around

I just want to sleep a peaceful slumber
As the rain pitters against my window pane
My bed warm and the lights off
My brain wandering into pleasant dreams
Where flowing fields and whistling birds fly
My friends sitting at a table with pots of never-ending tea
Sweet scones and berry muffins sitting just so
We talk nothings as we drink and laugh
The sun setting next to us filling the skies
Purples, reds, and pinks flowing like water
An eternal party for temporary bliss

How is it possible to hate someone
Yet care so much for them

If I could be crying right now
I would
For no ******* reason at all

I hate growing apart from those you held dear
Watching them fade from real to figures on a screen barely recognizable
You shared your secrets, helped each other through your dark and twisted moments
But none of that matters as their face becomes one you no longer know
Soon all you can do is let them go

I wish I had someone
Someone to hold and share a blanket
As we look up to the stars
Listening
Living

Why can’t I keep it together
Long enough
To get together

I’m glad you’re still here
That my words have brought you back
Brought the knife from your wrist
That my words kept you alive
You say that you don’t want to jeopardize this
By telling me everything
And I understand
We’ve both been through ****
But I’ve had to be talked through the same thing
I’ve had that hurt before
And I don’t want the people I care about
To be in the place I was
So tell me everything
Tell me why you hurt
So that I can help make it better
I’m here for you
Until you tell me to leave

I stand there in the shower
Music playing as I contemplate next year
My pulse quickens
My vision blurs
Hands numb I sit on the shower floor
The water pouring onto my back
Mixing with my tears as they run into the drain
I see my future
Swirling down with my tears
Beck singing faintly in my ears
I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you **** me
...

“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. What’s wrong?”
Said nobody ever

I need something
It’s on the tip of my tongue
But the words can’t form
So I guess I’ll live without

Who knew you didn’t need a heart to live?
Mine was torn up
Torn out
Thrown away

Left on ...
After the declaration
Then it pops up
You are my best friend

She yells at you
Not out of anger
But
Because you’re there to be yelled at
To give advice
To give your soul

My heart was stolen
I guess I don’t need it
But
I didn’t even see the theif

Wanted: a new friend
Lives nearby,
Will be open with me
Will quickly realize that I want them, and will feel the same
Wanted: a new friend
Strike that
Wanted: a new partner
Someone to cuddle
Someone to hold
Someone to kiss
Someone to run my hands through their hair
Someone to do all the little things I miss

We all wish we had the love
That Jim and Pam shared
That Westley and Buttercup shared
But as well all know
“This is true love, you think it happens every day?”

If we look at what’s the same
Between you and me
You’ll see that we aren’t that different
Sure we may be from different places
Love different people
Act different
Look different
Talk different
Think different
Be different
But
Look at what’s the same
We are human
We are made of cells
Of molocules
Of atoms
Of electrons protrons nuclei
We live in the universe
We live the solar system
We live on Earth
We orbit Sol together
We are the same
We are equal
So why
Do we get treated unfairly?

“I’m sorry, we have to let you go.”
“It’s fine
I understand”
“When there are no diners, there’s no need for a dishwasher”
“I get it. See you around.”
I want to cry as I walk through the restaurant doors
My glasses fogging as I take a shaky breath
****. What now?

I was in that group chat yesterday
And I saw that you read her poem,
But do you still read mine?
Do they **** you off more?
Do they make you wish you were still with me
Do they make you think about how big a deal it was to me
That someone who I wanted to be with wanted to be with me?
Or does it make you think that I just wanted to know what it was like to be loved?

I don’t know why you chose me
But my guess is,
I was just another person
Another time marker
Another notch on the bedpost

I’m sorry for the lie I told you
That it was fine you started dating
But you have to realize how weird it is
How much it hurt
The proposal more than the aftermath
It was my ex best friend,
Someone who told me all the reasons not to be with you
Then said I told you so when you broke up with me,
Who took your hand next
I told you not to contact me
I even deleted your number
I even blocked you both online
But regardless
I find myself wondering why
What was I to you?

I find myself wondering
What are you thinking right now?

We lay in a bed
Hopefully surrounded by those we love
By those who love us
We close our eyes
We breathe in
But not out
What comes next?
Darkness?
A skeletal hand guiding us?
A scale?
Perhaps a boat rowing us over the river Styx
Or maybe, it’s another life
Whatever it is
I’m ready to take that leap
But not quite yet

After three months of no contact
Except that one high text
Suddenly he DM’s me
Then blocks me before I can see the message
What did he say
Why text me
What does it mean?

What if something didn’t happen?
Pick a poem I have written
And I’ll write a story where the events in it
Never happened
Where the feelings were never felt
Or maybe where I never met someone
Your choice

I don’t have money
I don’t have power
I don’t have status
But what I have
I’ll give to you

Why does she not see me
The way I see her?
What is wrong with me
Do I not make her
Laugh
Smile
comforted
Am I
Ugly
Rude
Insensitive
What is wrong with me
That I find
An amazing
Beautiful
Smart friend
And I ruin it
By trying to be more
By trying to find happiness
By trying to explore ourselves
By trying to be an us
Rather than a
Me
And a you
I don’t care if people know
I need to express my pain
I need to express my love
I need to express me
I love you
And nothing can change that
Now do you see
How much I care?

What I would give to wake up tomorrow
If tomorrow were back in 2016
The first day of high school
Where I decided who I was going to be
If only I knew what would happen
I would’ve taken more chances
I would’ve done more

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
To sit in those cold plastic chairs at 8 in the morning
It felt like torture
But it really was better than my life now
Cause at least then I had a chance to make myself into something

Honestly I would have done most of it the same
I mean, I would’ve been more social
I would’nt’ve tried so hard to fit in
And I would have been more impulsive
But I would fail in the same classes
Join the same clubs
Go the same places
Because the mistakes made me more than success

What I would give to have a chance to do it again
So that I didn’t become a disappointment

What’s the point of life?
In our broken world it’s to find happiness
Happiness... a rare feeling
But how do you find it
The system we live in
One forced upon us in the name of Order
Makes it near impossible to find
So I ask again, what’s the point of life?
If it’s no longer happiness,
Is it just to survive?
But what is the point of survival if we have nothing to look forward to?
Sure we have moments where we can bear the pain
We look forward to those moments every ******* day
But if there’s no happiness to gain
Why should we keep trying to live?
To give money to a richer *******?
To pay for the right to have our friends and family killed by people who are supposed to protect us?
To make the system that oppresses us last longer?
What’s the point if all I’m doing is marching on
Happiness dangling on a string, just out of reach
Like a donkey chasing a carrot to pull a cart
What’s the point?
Why am I here?
Can anyone tell me?

What will it take
For you to be mine
What will it take
For me to hold you in my embrace
Time
Money
Power
I cannot give
All I can are
Love
Support
Me