A test for love
Who’s calls
Who’s visits
Do you want the most
Who do you want in your life
To ward off feelings of loneliness
When you go on vacation
Who do you want with you
Who would you most like to comfort you
In moments of pain
When you’re life is well
Who do you want to share the news with
Do you see their face?

Do you still talk to your old friends?
No
Because I don’t know what to say
We went from seeing each other daily
To once a week, a month, to never
Now they’ve left
So no, I don’t
Because we walked away from one another
And looking back causes me pain

Dark brown dripping into the ***
Plinking on the glass container
Steam streaming into the room
Filling the air with the bitter, delicious scent
Each drip closer to being ready
Drip, drip, drip

I have ways
To hold myself
I have ways
To keep my mind in eternal check
But sometimes
The wall breaks
Not water but thoughts
No, emotion
Emotion floods my actions
Then the dam is repaired
I am back in check
I hold myself
Cradling myself
Keeping myself safe
But not from you
The floods take me over
These dams
Protect me
From me
Only one thing
Can reinforce that wall
Her
Seeing her
Hearing her voice
****
Even reading a text from her
Just thinking about me and her
I grow calm
I just stop
The waters lower
And the process starts over
But
She has removed that
She took the reinforcement
She took my happiness
It’s not her fault though
I guess
BF
Stands for
Best friend
And nothing else

I feel empty
Not sad or depressed
Not happy
Just empty
Void of all emotion
As I lay here and wonder
“What am I doing here?”

I know I’m not writing the great American novel
I’m not a poet who’s words will be sung out for centuries
I know that just a handful out there even hear the words I say
But it’s enough for me to know that I’ve told my story to anyone who decided to listen

Wake up
Drink coffee
Let the dog into the yard
Looking at my phone for hours on end
Hoping that someone wants to talk to me
Wants to be with me
But only one person does
Every day
“Wyd?” “Want to hang out?” “**** my life”
**** your life? **** my life.
Your life is just beginning
Mine has yet to start
Shackled by a lack of money
A lack of resources
Living miles away from friends...
Every day I want someone to say to me
“Let’s spend time helping you.”
“Let’s spend time where you don’t have to pay $5 to listen to me complain about how I want to have ***”
I don’t care if you’re *****
Unless you want me to do something about it
Stop telling me every day
I want someone to help me
I want someone to talk with me
Not at me
Every day
I wish I had someone


But I’m to scared to look

Every morning
I follow a routine
The same one I’ve followed for years
Alarm goes off
Get dressed
Walk the dog
Skip breakfast
Grab coffee
Run to catch my bus
Every morning
It’s the same

Every though
Every outfit
Every moment
Judged by everyone
Causing nothing but anxiety
Pain
Depression
All the hate gets thrown at us
For us to hear
For us to add to the pile of hate
But that pile grows
Crushing us
Until we can’t hold it anymore
And we snap

Just once I’d like to her a goodnight sleep
One empty of panic attacks
Worrying about how to pay for college
Or what I have to do before graduation,
Hell even something like whether to go to prom or not
It’s all happening at once
Here I am
About to be an adult
No clue what’ll happen next
I just hope someone will catch me when I fall
I just need a goodnight sleep
And hopefully these worries go away

That state
Wher
         e
            y
              ou
                    jus
                         t
                           Stop

You can’t fight fire with fire
It’ll only burn quicker
Just like you can’t fight depression with sad shows
Sad songs
Pictures
Poems
Or people that remind you why your sad
Because in the end
All your left with
Are bitter memories
And tears cried for those who don’t deserve them

He told me to forget him
He’s moving away
So I have to move on
Kind of hard to forget
When all I want to do
Is remembered every kiss
Every cuddle
Every stroke of every hand on mine
But I have to forget
I know I do

I need something to help forget the pain
All of my friends scattering over the country
And I’m stuck here
I won’t even get to see them go
I need something to forget the pain
Of knowing they’re leaving without saying goodbye
I’m gonna miss them when they’re gone
And there’s nothing I can do

I thought I saw you in the park today
Walking with her
Talking with her
Laying in the grass in the shade of the tall trees
I wondered if you ever read what I wrote about you
If you remember the words as clearly as I
If you can hear the crunches of leaves I described
Or did you forget it all?
Would seeing me bring the words back?

I am Ross
Without my Charlie

Don’t you love being reminded of someone you can’t have
When their pictures pop up
After you’ve done everything to forget them
When you get told you might want to follow their band, then their closest friends
Eventually the algorithm decides you want to follow their girlfriend
It does all it can to keep the pain alive
The pain of wanting someone you can never have

It’s what I got called today
By one I considered a friend
Just because I beat him at a video game

There is no going back
He’s had his chances
Each started with “I’m sorry for the stupid ******* I said.”
But this time it’s too far

I’m not a “******* fa- -ot *****”
I’m a ******* human
And deserve to be treated as such

You told me
“Take the class
Show up once a week
Do four hours of work
In forty five minutes.”
I said
“Okay”
And we shook
I knew it wouldn’t work
Taking two classes
Scheduled for the same time
I wanted to drop it
You forced me not to
Here we are
Nine weeks later
I’m failing the class
You wouldn’t let me drop
And now you tell me
My only choices are to fail
To fail
Or to fail
You set me up for failure
When you should’ve set me for success.
*******

“We’re two sides of the same coin”
Says the “villain” as the “hero” saves the day
But who’s the real villain of my story?
What if I were both sides of my coin?
Hate
Depression
Bitterness
Scoring the back
Empathy
Pep
Loyalty
Stamped on the front
For I am Gemini Man —the hero and the villain
Fighting myself and the world

Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
To bring flowers
To bring chocolates
To bring happiness
Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
To show you my love
To show you who I am
To show you how kind I can be
Give me a chance to be your boyfriend
I know the situation
I know you broke up
With my friend
I am the one
That talked you through it
Almost every night
That reminded you that
You’re perfect
That kept him away
Even if it ruined our friendship
I put everything on the line
I have told you
“I’m all in”
Give me a chance?

“It’s been fun
Don’t come back.”

Months ago, though it feels like years, I told him of three dreams
Dreams that should've been forgotten
Pushed back to the darkest recesses of my mind

I had wanted to talk in person,
But the world went to ****
so I put it off
Until I decided I had to tell him
Typed in a note on my phone I sent him all three and said
"Read this... I need to talk to you"
After that I saw him in class every once in a while
but he always ignored me when I waved

Now an awkward pall hangs over us
He was my first friend at a new school
And now he won't say a word to me
So I guess that note was goodbye...

“Hands down
This is the best day
I can
Ever remember
Always remember
The sound of the stereo
Dim of the soft lights
Scent of her hair
That
She twirled in her fingers
and
the time on the clock”
But I’ll only remember
If I can ask
Why can’t I ask

My fingers typed in your name before my brain had a chance to realize
I clicked on your profile, the picture the car you drove daily
And before I knew what I was doing I had already scrolled through
Unable to control myself, I read through your posts
Seeing your new girl
Seeing how happy you were
Seeing that you were living your Happily Ever After

Have you noticed that the ones wearing a mask
Avoiding leaving the house
Not talking to people
Are the ones who need to?
We haven’t left
Save for protesting against inequity in our world
Because we need this to be over
We need to be able to leave
Without worrying about harming those around us
We are the ones that never talked
That now have something to say
We are the ones that never went outside
That now want to experience the world
We are the ones that need our friends
That now can’t talk to them without a ******* phone
We are the ones that need help
That we can’t reach
We put on the mask so that this ends
We seldom leave so that this ends
We keep minimizing our lives so that you can live yours, but you can’t do the same?

So...
I guess we broke up
Pain strikes
Sharp as a knife
It’s true what they say
Your first relationship
Hurts the most

Like Atlas, the sky rests on my shoulders
I’m told that I don’t have to bear the weight
But who else is there to talk to her
We have other friends, yes
But none of them have helped take the weight
Instead adding on to it their own problems
I need to rest
But who will take my place?

I need someone to hold me in their arms
Until the tears flow down my cheeks
And as I weep they brush my hair
And whisper
“It’s gonna be okay”

The silence creeps in
Until even the voices of shows are quieted
Until you are completely alone

I am not the worlds best poet
Yet
Everyone calls me
A great writer
They say I’m emotional
But
Maybe it’s just them

I got asked today
“How do you create?”
I write at night when nothing but the truth flows through me
I write in the dark where nothing can see me
I write alone so nobody can read over my shoulder
Critiquing my every word
I write in silence so I can hear every word
Or maybe a playlist subtly infusing itself in my words
But most of all I write the truth, because **** those who have a problem with me

Thank you
For all those who know
Who stepped foreword
Who are trying to comfort me
Thank you

It’s so fresh in my mind though
I haven’t had time to think
To comprehend
To wallow in my self pity

Sixth period
I sat there
In front of a pig
It’s stomach open
And on view for the world to see
My phone buzzes
It’s him
I pull off those blue surgical gloves
Whip out my phone
Wait for the dot dot dot
to turn into actual words
They turn all right
They speak that you don’t feel right
That you may have rushed into this
That maybe you mixed friendship
And attraction
You take responsibility for it
But that doesn’t dull the pain
I suddenly feel as though the pig
Is better than I am
With its guts exposed and all
I want to cry
But I try to keep it together
I grab the knife
Start cutting into the guts
Tears welling in my eyes as I try to keep strong
I wanted to cry
I just leave after that
It doesn’t matter that I had class
It doesn’t matter that I had friends waiting
I just leave
I go home to wallow
To think
To cry the bitter tears that push up against my eyes
I hoped that this was all a dream

You all warned me
And I ignored you
I told myself that we wouldn’t break up
I told myself that we had a relationship
Stronger than his last one
Which crumbled like mine did today
You told me he’d use me
And toss me aside like a human ******
I feel stupid for not heeding the words you spoke
I was naïve to think that we could last
The three months he had left here

You all are here for me
And I love you all
When I’m ready to shed these bitter salty tears
I know you’ll be here to dry my cheeks
And hold me in your collective arms
The way he did last week

I thought he could put me back together
But he only stole the pieces
I hope I can get them back

How long will we all be separated
Connected only by screens and internet that gets ******* daily
How long until we can go outside
And talk to each other like normal people
How long until I can feel the grass beneath my feet
Walking through the park
How long will we not be able to see each other’s unobstructed faces
Without fear of dying
How long until we can leave?

The years pass quick
I forget who I was until I remember I wrote it down
I was a man
I am no longer
I was single
I am no longer
I was unhappy
I am no longer
I wasn’t me
I am no longer

I look through photos and barely recognize the face
Because I am no longer the one I once was

I can’t be your friend
Not anymore
It pains me to greatly to see you wasting your life
You sit on your couch
In an empty room
Save the ashes of your last bowl
You smoke your life away
Begging me for handouts as you lazily play your game
“**** my job”
“I don’t want to work, so I’m quitting”
Well what are you going to do now?
Because I can’t support us both from now until our deaths
I can’t sacrifice myself for someone who won’t wake up to have a meal with me
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore

You were wondering yesterday
What am I talking about?
Karol told me
Rewind to Thursday

I sent her a text
Asking to set me up
She didn’t know who
Instead she said
“Four guys I’m with
They all want to smash you.”
“Who”
She wouldn’t tell me

I was stupid
I trusted the one you should never trust
Damon
We talked
Asked about the other
Who they would ****
My top 5 flew out of my fingers

Friday
I wear her down
I get the list
You’re on it
Also on mine

Once again
I was stupid
“Damon”
“”Accidentally“ mention to Jake
He’s on my list

As far as I know, he did

The Weekend
I was expecting a call
A snap
A text
Asking about the lists
Nothing

Monday
We hung out
Nothing

Tuesday
I sent you the question
“Are we just going to ignore it
Or are we going to use the weirdest solution
To the weirdest problem?
You didn’t know what I was talking about
My chest seized
I couldn’t bring myself to explain

So, I’ll  explain now
I have a crush on you
I don’t know if you were high
Or if Karol’s list was true
But if you do
I want you
You know how to contact me
Think
Let me know
Three months isn’t a lot
But it’s enough for me

I wanted to write something
So I’ll write this
I have no idea what it’s about
But does it have to be about anything
Couldn’t a poem be about
A puppy
A clown
A funny story about your life
Or even some mix of them all
Theses are all just random thoughts
That I’m putting in the poem
I have no idea how to get Her to like me
I know it’s over with She
But
I guess I’ll move on to Her
I guess that this is all for
My random chaos poem

If I want her to be mine
Why can’t I ask her
If she says no
What will happen to me
If my heart breaks
Will that be the end
If I can’t ask her
Will I ever know the answer

I snapped you today
I didn’t think that would happen
I said congratulations
I miss you
I hope to see you rule the world one day
You said you hoped to have someone like me by your side
You apologized for dumping me
For not answering my questions
For treating me horribly after
I know you don’t owe me anything
But do me one thing
Please, never change from the man I fell for

If you need an ear
To listen to your problems
If you need a shoulder
To cry all the bitter memories away
If you need someone
To sit by your side
If you need a friend
To show that life is worth living
If you need an outlet
to yell, call names, hit
If you need me
I’m just a phone call away

Her arms held me as we stood in the parking lot
Wind blowing in our hair
“I missed you so much” she tells me
“Oh you had no idea”
I don’t want to let go
To just stay there talking
Catching up on what I missed
In those three long months apart
Our voices carry across the football field
I finally get to talk to her alone
I finally got my chance to apologize
She and I click again
As we did before
Regret sets in as I realize I missed so much
We hug again
Her hair smells of strawberries as I tell her
Once again “I’m sorry for being an *******”
She gets into her car
Driving away as I stand there
Crying tears of relief
I had no idea how much I missed her

I know I have to tell them
But I can’t
I know they’d be fine with it
I just have to say it
“Mom, Dad,
I’m bisexual
I was dating a guy
And we are so cute together.”
That’s all I have to say
They’d be happy
They’d love me
But my brain just drifts
To the worst case scenario
Where they yell
And kick me out
Where I lose everything
That will never happen
But I’m still afraid

I learned something in my relationship
I learned it’s the small things I love
The flirting
The hand holding
The laying on a bed together
Sure I miss the kisses
The support
The affection I was shown
But I don’t miss the big things
The things people define relationships on
I prefer to just be together

Nine months
That’s when society says
“Hope you know what you want to do with your life.”
And throws you out into the world
I have no plan
I don’t know ****
And I’m afraid