I was that person
The one who didn’t belong to a group
To nerdy to be cool,
To cool to be a nerd,
To smart to hang with the *******,
To lazy to study with the studiers

It took me 16 years to find a group,
At least larger than the handful of friends I made here and there,
But they were all seniors
Quickly they gathered their things and left
And once again, I was alone

It took me 16 ******* years to be happy
It took me 16 ******* years of crying myself to sleep,
Because I didn’t know who to call my people
It took me 16 ******* years to belong
But only two weeks for it to fall apart

I was always that person
Who didn’t belong
The puzzle piece to a different set,
The plate that was replaced,
The socks that ruin the outfit
And now I’m here
Wishing I fit in

I want an island
All that’s there is a house
My friends live inside
Every day we toil in the gardens
Working to eat
Working to live
But because we want it

Once a fortnight a boat docks
Bringing some supplies from the mainland
Bringing workers to fix what we cannot
No technology
No need for money
No need to get ahead

We can come and go as we please
But we choose to stay
Not because we’re afraid,
But because it’s nice
We live in peace without worrying

We wouldn’t worry about war
We wouldn’t worry about famine
We could just grow old,
Until we pass
And a new group arrives
Picking up where we left off

I’m rambling
Because I need to
But I can’t ramble with those I normally would
So I will with you
But who said you want to read my rambles?
Who said that what I’m going through is more important— important enough to be read?
Why am I writing this? Will it be— is it what I need— what I feel I need to be accepted— heard— just to be?
What am I doing this for? I was told it was nice to just write
But all it reveals is more pain
Scratching old woulds open
So I sit “bleeding out”
And I can’t stop it
What am I doing this for? ******* it
What is the ******* point?
Why the **** is this **** happening? WHAT THE ****
All I can do is sit as my ******* life falls apart
But it’s not just about me
I know I need to be about me every once in a while but how can I
I feel like I’m not worth it to be worked up over
But here I am
******* anxious because I didn’t care about myself enough
****
I miss last year when none of this **** happened
When all I had to ******* worry about was whether my parents would find out why I was skipping chemistry
Even though I ******* aced that class
Not showing up for a month
And I still aced that final
******* it... no... just stop talking about that
Nobody ******* cares
Nobody cares
And I’m alone— I FEEL alone
People are here for me
People are there... but I can’t... tell them ****
I need someone here
I need my person to be here. In my room. And we could just talk and talk and talk
I need human connection
I’m need people
Xudhdhujsdjeudj!
Dudnxumeisjdksojdidujddudud!
Rudhdrjxensj­dinrjxudnenisnzm!
God ******* **** it why can’t **** just get fixed!
Why aren’t I happy?
why aren’t i happy?

“Make a wish on a shooting star
And it’ll take it beyond the horizon”
I only wish I wasn’t alone

Today was the first time in 9 years
I didn’t think about school
Count down on my fingers how long until I had to go back
Today was the first day I wished I could
Just to say a proper goodbye

We got robbed of many things this year
Celebrations of milestones
Excitedly telling friends and teachers “I GOT IN!” or “I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP!”
Walking through the halls as our classmates cheered us on
Walking across the stage as hundreds congratulated you at the same time
The final moment when you could say goodbye to all the people you know you’ll never see again

Today was the first time I wished I hadn’t rushed off everyday
Who would have thought I’d miss the musty halls
The chatter of students in the halls during tests
The constant ringing of fire alarms
And the safe feeling of a community behind you

Today was the first time I looked at my diploma
And thought about how much I would give
For just one day more with all of them
People come and go, I know
But these people were more than classmates
We were a family

Today was the first time
But it won’t be the last

He told me to forget him
He’s moving away
So I have to move on
Kind of hard to forget
When all I want to do
Is remembered every kiss
Every cuddle
Every stroke of every hand on mine
But I have to forget
I know I do

We judge ourselves by the likes that we get
By a digital heart that lights up
We judge if we're liked by whether other people
Click of a ******* button

People want to know why we hate ourselves
Why when we don't have our stories seen by that one person
we think that we're worthless
And it's because we want to be liked
No,
We need to be liked
We need to be told that it doesn't matter who we are
It doesn't matter what we do
We need to be told that you will always be with us

We judge our self worth not by the things we've accomplished
But by the failures we've had
Because we're told from day one that people will remember them
And sure we're told that it's part of the learning process
But we know it's *******

We judge ourselves by how others act
And we see all the wonderful things that they do
We see the perfect world that people live in,
Full of vacations, pretty pictures, and date nights around the fire
But we never see the lows that people have
So we think that they never failed
And we think that when we fail, we can never recover

We judge our self worth by the click of a button
By the failures we've had, but never the accomplishments
By the vacation photos that others post
by the words that we hear
by the actions that you take

We never judge our self worth by what we think of ourselves
But by what you think of us

Nothing to say other than I made a mistake
And no words can fix it,
No words can fix me

Mistakes were made
I was naïve enough to think that I could fix it
That I wouldn't walk around with a weight on my chest

I thought that I could be open
To show my underbelly and that I wouldn't get hurt
That I would be relieved of all the pain I have
But it was only made worse

I made a mistake
And it was to trust that I'd be happy

We’ve all been there
Where you just can’t sleep
So you toss and turn
Listening to that song stuck in your head
Mouthing the lyrics as to not wake up others

You scroll through countless apps
Often reopening the same three
Checking to see if anyone has messaged you
Even though you know they’re all asleep
So you lay there
Bored with nothing to do

So you count the bubbles in the popcorn ceiling
Imagining what you would do in situations;
A fire, meeting a celebrity, if you finally meet that special someone
Hoping that you’ll sleep soon
Until you look at the time— an hour till the alarm

No sleep tonight

A **** fruit awaits
If only you can get past my thorns

There’s a mystery behind these words
“Tomorrow, can we talk?”
Do they wish to tell me secrets
Or do they just want to tell me
Once again
“I got head”
Do they wish to tell me that they’re not happy
Something I’ve known for weeks now
Tomorrow I’ll find out
But the mystery of the words lives on

You were the best friend I had over the last three years
We had our ups and downs
But you didn’t walk away when my arrogance, narcissism, naïveté blinded me
Instead you waited until I healed
Had said the awful things I needed
And had moved on before you let me apologize
There’s nothing left to say but this:
Live your life
And I’ll be there to catch you should you fall

We always took small things for granted
The smile of a stranger walking by
The wave of a friend from across the hall
The small talk with the cashier
It was these nothings
That made our day whole
And now we are without them
Wondering when we’ll get more

A year ago I sent a text
Telling of something I had written without remembering
I must’ve been blinded by insecurity and naïveté

As I wrote of the days after
Where I compared myself to characters in a tv show
I wrote of my hatred
Of my pain
Never realizing that I wasn’t writing against him
But attacking myself in turn
For falling under a spell
For allowing myself to be tricked
For looking through those ******* rose colored glasses

I wanted to be stronger than I was
I was ready to hate myself over my stupidity
I was missing everything that I had spent years building and in two weeks got ******* destroyed

There was no cure, no easy solution
Because I read the last line
And knew it was true
“The next time we saw each other
Everything had gone to ****”

I’m not as innocent as people believe
My friends, my family
Most see me as pure
Incapable of harm, but it’s just a mask

They see me as a straight seventeen year old kid
Who’s never gotten high or drunk
Never had a girlfriend, much less a boyfriend
Someone who’s never stolen
But you all see the real me

They see what I allow them to
Because I can’t be seen as the child who failed
The child who got lost along the way
They see me as innocent
Because I can’t deal with what they might say

We all keep truths
Because it’s easier to lie, hide behind a story,
Than it is to face the reality of our lives

They see me as innocent
But I can assure you,
I’m not

My whole life I’ve been a piece to a different puzzle
I’ve been the extra piece
Found in the bottom of the box
A piece from a different set wanting so desperately to belong
So I cut pieces from myself
Warped and mangled who I am so I fit into spots left vacant by lost pieces
But those pieces get found
So I have to leave the place I called home
Surrounded by people I called friends
But the wounds never heal
So warped and mangled I move on
Hoping I belong somewhere
Hoping I’m not just a piece destined to be forgotten when dropped on the floor
To be forever lost and alone
Warped and mangled I wait
Hoping for my true home
But I may not fit anymore

Something I’ve caught myself asking
Especially when I tell someone
“I don’t care anymore”
But where is he now?
Is he still planning on being a prison guard?
Is he still with that girl he met when he got there?
Does he were wish he had stayed here?
Over 2000 miles apart
And months since we spoke
But it would be nice
Just to hear his voice

When I say “I’m fine” what I really mean is
I didn’t get a prom
I didn’t get to experience the last half of my senior year
I didn’t get a “proper” graduation
I didn’t get to celebrate my 18th birthday with my friends and family
I got hired just for the business to shut down indefinitely due to ******* gang activity
I don’t get to say goodbye to my friends as they leave to start their lives
And I’m stuck here because I can’t afford college, but my parents make to much for financial aid
Life keeps ******* ******* on me
So when I say “I’m fine”
Just know that I’m ****** up inside
But I just don’t want to bother you
Cause I’m a man, and we aren’t supposed to feel

Months ago, though it feels like years, I told him of three dreams
Dreams that should've been forgotten
Pushed back to the darkest recesses of my mind

I had wanted to talk in person,
But the world went to ****
so I put it off
Until I decided I had to tell him
Typed in a note on my phone I sent him all three and said
"Read this... I need to talk to you"
After that I saw him in class every once in a while
but he always ignored me when I waved

Now an awkward pall hangs over us
He was my first friend at a new school
And now he won't say a word to me
So I guess that note was goodbye...

Here it is, the oh so important letter
The white paper marked with the district seal
I unfold the trifolded letter inside, hands shaking
Dear Atticus Wilson,
We wish to offer congratulations,
Though you miss many milestones,
We are happy to announce that you will graduate this year.
Congratulations,
Stay safe.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in
That’s it — the farewell I get
I’m done with high school,
And am ready to move on with my life

I learned something in my relationship
I learned it’s the small things I love
The flirting
The hand holding
The laying on a bed together
Sure I miss the kisses
The support
The affection I was shown
But I don’t miss the big things
The things people define relationships on
I prefer to just be together

“Life’s a *****, and then you die”
“Yeah. But sometimes, life’s a ***** and you keep living”
The point is simple
Life’s a *****
And we all have to find a way to cope
But some people can’t
Life just keeps ******* them over
So more and more they draw back
Waiting for society to lend a hand
To pick them up
Some people need a hug
But everyone turns their back
Creating a wall that further shuts them into a corner
Huddling and waiting for someone to come...
Waiting....
Until they give up
And succumb to the darkness beyond
And all they can hope is the next step isn’t as hopeless

Why do we torture ourselves so?
We listen to our sad music
Making us depressed
Leading to overeating and intoxicants
Intoxicated we think of when we were happy in our ex’s arms
Even if you’re happier in your new relationship than you were with them
Your ex leads you to guilt
Where you feel like calling them
Just to say hello, and hear their voice again
But if you do that
You know it will only end in tears
Yet you pick up the phone instead
And call the number you swore you would never touch
But there you are
The phone ringing
Until they pick up, call you a ******* *******
And hang up
So you call the next one as a new song plays in the background

We don’t speak anymore
As school closes, and we move on
I wanted to thank you
For being there for me
Being my person
The one who we could talk and ***** and in the end
None of it mattered

Thank you for being there at my best and worst moments
Ready to console me if you could
For putting up with me
Even though I could be annoying

Thank you for being there
To ground me to reality
For being the first to know
For so many things

After all we went through
I never thought it would end like this — with naught but a poem to say
Thank you

Why is it always the boys who are dumb as ****
Why are they the popular ones?
The ones who are smart are always alone
Left to wonder why
Yet the dull ones, the ones without a brain
are swarmed with people
Why are they always chosen first
Why am I the outcast?

I look left, then right
The signal clicking behind the plastic sheet
I pull out
And look left again
I see it and slam on the brakes
THUMP!

“What the **** is wrong with you?
Do you know how to ******* drive?”
“Yes ma’am. I’m sorry this happened.”
“Back the **** up and give me your information”
So I do
Keeping calm and respectful

“Can I have your phone number?
I can send my insurance to you”
She closes the door and drives off
*****
Dad, call me ASAP
The phone rings
“I was just in an accident. Sending you pictures now.”
“Okay, but are you hurt? What happened?”
I’m fine
I tell him the story
And I break down
“Take your time. Calm down and drive home.
You’re okay, that’s all that matters.”

I sit in my freezing car
Tears and snot flowing down my face
I punch the visor
Crying, I wipe my face
Signal,
And drive off

Kept in a house
And sure I have a phone
But it can’t help me

We’ve been separated for to long
We’ve lost the fire in our hearts
And replaced it with fury
But that can’t help me

I have a voice that cannot speak
I have a heart that cannot sing
I have a hand that cannot draw
And a brain that cannot think
None of those can help me

We’ve been alone for so long
That we dream of nothing but outside
Yet we fear that we won’t survive
So we just draw the curtains
Blocking out the world

We can’t reconnect quite yet
Though we wish we could
We can’t talk without a cloth in the way
But we need it if we want to stay

We wish we could enter another’s house
We wish we could just talk
But there’s nothing to talk about

A soul is a gateway to our true intentions
Usually clear, bright, reflecting what we feel
But pain warps it
Blurring the window
Dimming the light
Absorbing the suffering of those around
To cleanse it
We write
We draw the darkness from inside
Using the pain as the ink
The suffering as the pen
The honesty as the paper
Until we can see light again

We threw our stuff in the back of the car
Backpacks
Jackets
Skateboards
Firewood
I reach for my phone and it’s not there
I left it at the beach site we used
We shut the trunk and climb in
“Where are the keys?”
“Aw, ****”
We dig through pockets and consoles
Nothing
“They’re in the ******* trunk!”
An hour after of trying to pry open the trunk
Of his old mercedes
“What if we open up the panel in the back?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I just noticed it, but it goes to the trunk!”
So I pull out my small knife
Pry open the panel
And we drive to my buried phone

So
I hear you’re moving back
I just wanna say one thing
Let’s keep it civil
If we run into each other
No “I hate you”
No “You *******”
No anything
We just pass
Because otherwise
**** gets ugly
Fast
...
...
...
So see ya around, maybe



Oh, and by the way,
Don’t **** with me or my friends
We’ve had enough ******* for a while

The flame quivers
A bead of was slowly drips down the side
Onto my waiting hand
I sit there
Finger burning
As the droplet hardens
Becoming slowly more opaque
And I do it again

With each drop I think
What am I doing on this planet?
Who am I going to be?
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
A thousand questions as the flame flickers
Until slowly
Like my spirit
It dies
And darkness closes in

I tell people I have a normal life
What I mean is
I don’t go to parties, I never sneak out
I don’t just leave without saying goodbye
Then I look at some of my friends
I see their version of “normal”

Every night is another night of getting high
Sitting in moonlit parks until the sun starts to rise
I see groups I don’t belong in
Crawling out from under bridges
Running from rats that infest the playgrounds
And I wonder, how much did I miss?

16 years
It took me 16 years to find someone
It took me 16 years to live
It took me 16 years to ******* belong
And just like that
It all disappeared

I look at others and their “normal” lives
And I wonder
Why wasn’t that me?

One question was asked:
“How can I develop and open myself to my personality and not be embarrassed?”
Just be you
If people truly care about you
They won’t leave, they’ll support you
This isn’t to say that you should go and do anything you want
But as long as it’s safe and you know it’s morally and lawfully right, I say go for it

Don’t hide behind a mask
Show yourself and all your beauty!
Love yourself!

Every adult does it
Some major event happens
“Oh you don’t need to worry about it!
You’re too young to need to know about this!”

Actually, I do need to know
I need to know **** that affects me
“Govn. To Close Schools 7 Weeks”
7 weeks without school
Stuck in my house
What’s the plan for my education?
How long is my graduation delayed?
Will school be closed for longer?
I need to know this

“Don’t worry about it!”
It’s affecting my life
I need to know what’s happening
I’m smart enough to know
That we aren’t 100% ******, but just how ****** are we?
Don’t brush me off
Inform me
Without knowledge, how am I to survive

I am now stuck here
Inside my home
With nothing to do but think
And all my thoughts have grown dark

It’s what I got called today
By one I considered a friend
Just because I beat him at a video game

There is no going back
He’s had his chances
Each started with “I’m sorry for the stupid ******* I said.”
But this time it’s too far

I’m not a “******* fa- -ot *****”
I’m a ******* human
And deserve to be treated as such

A date
**** me
Either way
I stopped caring a long time ago

My family heard that I’m graduating early
They sent a card, a cap, gown, and lei

The card full of love
Best wishes
And hopes that I can celebrate soon

The cap made of cardboard
With my great grandma’s Micky Mouse cap
A tassel attached
Found in the street with a copper ”2020”

The gown so old
My grandma doesn’t remember who’s it is
With a lei —a family tradition— ready to be worn

I stand there in the shower
Music playing as I contemplate next year
My pulse quickens
My vision blurs
Hands numb I sit on the shower floor
The water pouring onto my back
Mixing with my tears as they run into the drain
I see my future
Swirling down with my tears
Beck singing faintly in my ears
I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you **** me
...

Here’s the thing
The largest pandemic
Is panic
When media take big stories
And don’t give facts
“CoVID-19 will **** you through money”
**** that, your money’s safe
“Deadlier than the flu”
Yeah, but we know what the flu is

People are panicking
“We’re all gonna die”
Calm down,
Most deaths are from those already sick
Or our elders
The immunocompromised

Bottom line:
If you’re healthy, you will live
But don’t just take my word for it
Do your research
Learn for yourself
And yes, wash your hands
But you should’ve been doing that anyway

Sure, apologize for calling me a Fa++ot
Doesn’t do you any good
Not gonna say
“Oh, you apologized
Guess the homophobic remark to the bi guy is forgiven”
Because your apologies are *******

You’ve called others fa+s before,
And I fought against it
But you didn’t change
What hope is there for me to wish for now?
Nothing is forgiven,
******

I hadn’t spoken in days
I was home alone
And nobody called
When I parted my lips to cry out
They slowly stuck, cracked and dry
I gathered the shards of the mug from the floor
Sticking my wounded finger in my mouth
Searching for a bandage
Dragging the coffee across the floor with every step

Yet another dream about him and I

A few months ago was the first
Where in class we planned an art heist
Leading us to some “alone time”

Last night I had another
Just as vivid as the first
I could smell the wood of the pencils
Be blinded by the classroom projector
Hear the footsteps of the approaching teacher
Feel the cold plastic of the chairs on my skin

Here I am
Wondering why I dream of him
When we’ve grown so far apart