I feel vagrant
Passing through this world on my way to nowhere
Of the world, but not in it

I feel invisible
Passing through busses, trains, hallways
Yelling out ideas and opinions
But nobody hears them
My stories echo through the crowded halls
Mixing with the cacophony of nothingness

I feel empty
Devoid of anything but ache and stress
I’ve given all I had already
Yet my life is just beginning
So I pick up the scraps left behind
Hoping to salvage enough to make a whole feeling
But the pieces don’t fit
So I leave them where they were

I feel like I was born of the Earth
But I’m not here
And I’m not sure if I ever will again

I keep thinking
Is there more to life than this
More that I can do
Here I am 4 months away from graduation
And all I can do is wonder
Is there more to life than this?
Sitting in my parent’s house
Writing ******* that will be read by only a few
Worrying about **** like “what do I need to do?”
Is there more than just hoping I survive each day?
Is there more that I would have done
If I were someone else?
In every class I hear
“Did you see what happened at the party”
Or
“You can stay over right?”
Every story I see party after party
Bowl smoked after bowl
And I wonder
What did I do to be home alone
In bed at 10 o’clock
Is there more than this that I can be
Is there more than this that I can experience
Is there more than this to being alive?

One question was asked:
“How can I develop and open myself to my personality and not be embarrassed?”
Just be you
If people truly care about you
They won’t leave, they’ll support you
This isn’t to say that you should go and do anything you want
But as long as it’s safe and you know it’s morally and lawfully right, I say go for it

Don’t hide behind a mask
Show yourself and all your beauty!
Love yourself!

I feel empty
Not sad or depressed
Not happy
Just empty
Void of all emotion
As I lay here and wonder
“What am I doing here?”

I stand there in the shower
Music playing as I contemplate next year
My pulse quickens
My vision blurs
Hands numb I sit on the shower floor
The water pouring onto my back
Mixing with my tears as they run into the drain
I see my future
Swirling down with my tears
Beck singing faintly in my ears
I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you **** me
...

Sure, apologize for calling me a Fa++ot
Doesn’t do you any good
Not gonna say
“Oh, you apologized
Guess the homophobic remark to the bi guy is forgiven”
Because your apologies are *******

You’ve called others fa+s before,
And I fought against it
But you didn’t change
What hope is there for me to wish for now?
Nothing is forgiven,
******

Here’s the thing
The largest pandemic
Is panic
When media take big stories
And don’t give facts
“CoVID-19 will **** you through money”
**** that, your money’s safe
“Deadlier than the flu”
Yeah, but we know what the flu is

People are panicking
“We’re all gonna die”
Calm down,
Most deaths are from those already sick
Or our elders
The immunocompromised

Bottom line:
If you’re healthy, you will live
But don’t just take my word for it
Do your research
Learn for yourself
And yes, wash your hands
But you should’ve been doing that anyway

I am now stuck here
Inside my home
With nothing to do but think
And all my thoughts have grown dark

You don’t want to read the long ones
You want the gist
You’re tired of hearing me *****
You want affirmation
Well here it is
Short, sweet, and to the ******* point

“Every body is a temple”
Something that gets said often
But my temple is old
Moss grows on the windows
And weathered steps lead to oaken doors
Laying off their hinges

With the right care,
The right exercise,
The dilapidated temple that is my body
Can grow stronger once again

I’ve run out of things to say
Sure I could tell you simple things,
I got into college,
No idea how to pay
But that’s boring

I want to be able to say
“I went to so and so’s party
Where we all got so ******* wasted”
But that’s not me

I want to be able to say
How much all of this helps me
Not just emotionally,
But physically too
Without this
I couldn’t sleep
I would be too hung up on stupid *******
But here I am
About to fall asleep
Wishing I had something to say

I hadn’t spoken in days
I was home alone
And nobody called
When I parted my lips to cry out
They slowly stuck, cracked and dry
I gathered the shards of the mug from the floor
Sticking my wounded finger in my mouth
Searching for a bandage
Dragging the coffee across the floor with every step

Yet another dream about him and I

A few months ago was the first
Where in class we planned an art heist
Leading us to some “alone time”

Last night I had another
Just as vivid as the first
I could smell the wood of the pencils
Be blinded by the classroom projector
Hear the footsteps of the approaching teacher
Feel the cold plastic of the chairs on my skin

Here I am
Wondering why I dream of him
When we’ve grown so far apart

It’s all we want out of life
We don’t want to have to worry
“Did I do this right?”
“Do they actually like me?”
“Did I do all of my work?”
We want to be able to sit and relax
We want life to be simple
That way
We can stop giving a ****