What the ****

All I want in life
Is for my friends to be successful
I want them to be able to come to me in 20 years
I want them happy, healthy, doing things on their own terms
And that one friend who doesn’t
I want them to be able to say to me one day
“I need help”
Because I don’t care about myself anymore
I only care that the people I love are doing perfect

In the silence of the night I sit and meditate
Let my mind wander through distant thoughts
Explore the chaos of my own mind

Between the whirring of the fan’s blades
I could only think one though
To a poem dark and twisted

“You’re flying now
You see things much more clear than the ground
It’s all okay
Or it would be
Were you not now halfway down”

My mind shuts off
“Erase this from my thoughts” I whisper
But there it stayed, louder, quicker
Until it’s all I could hear

I may not have money
I may not have power
I may not have the strongest willpower
But
I have heart
I have brains
I have my poetry
All I have
I offer
To you
To “She”
I hope it’s enough
To keep you happy
All I need is you

We met under the pretense it would be you and me
I walk up, and there’s someone with you
“Atticus, this is Jamie”
I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you meant two
You and your girlfriend
I know you wanted me to meet her
But still you could have told me
That way I would know and it wouldn’t be as rude to go away
When she reached down
Giving you a ******* ******* under the table
But there I am
Awkwardly sitting
Watching everything but the two of you
As you try to connect us
Join another into our inside jokes
I wanted to get up and ask
“Is there a table for third wheels?”

You can memorize the face of a stranger
After seeing them for six seconds
Six months later they’re in your dream
Making you wonder what if you had talked to them
Your brain creates scenes of lifelong friendship
Another where they’re your nemesis
One where you go out a few times,
But they never call back
Then in a flash
Their face is gone
As if you’d never seen them
And life goes on

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekil­lmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmeki­llmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmek­illmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme­killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillme

Geek
Nerd
Me
I am whoever you want me to be

Until I don’t have to go around in fear

I have no clue what you look like
Or what your voice sounds like
But you care
We’ve both been hurt
But together we can pick up the pieces,
And fix our broken selves

Though I’ve never truly met you,
Seen your face,
Heard your voice,
Felt your touch,
I feel better knowing you’re there

You were wondering yesterday
What am I talking about?
Karol told me
Rewind to Thursday

I sent her a text
Asking to set me up
She didn’t know who
Instead she said
“Four guys I’m with
They all want to smash you.”
“Who”
She wouldn’t tell me

I was stupid
I trusted the one you should never trust
Damon
We talked
Asked about the other
Who they would ****
My top 5 flew out of my fingers

Friday
I wear her down
I get the list
You’re on it
Also on mine

Once again
I was stupid
“Damon”
“”Accidentally“ mention to Jake
He’s on my list

As far as I know, he did

The Weekend
I was expecting a call
A snap
A text
Asking about the lists
Nothing

Monday
We hung out
Nothing

Tuesday
I sent you the question
“Are we just going to ignore it
Or are we going to use the weirdest solution
To the weirdest problem?
You didn’t know what I was talking about
My chest seized
I couldn’t bring myself to explain

So, I’ll  explain now
I have a crush on you
I don’t know if you were high
Or if Karol’s list was true
But if you do
I want you
You know how to contact me
Think
Let me know
Three months isn’t a lot
But it’s enough for me

All the songs of my relationship with you all come on while I’m writing something to you. All it does is fuel my writing

The alarm has been sounded
“Abandon ship, before we sink into a sea
Full of broken code
Connection errors
And unusable links”
Yet I say, let us stay
Let us go down with the ship
This ship is one built of words
Many have bonded quickly to each other
A community that will flourish despite a lack of home
We may not have much time left together,
But the time spent will be cherished
We are more than a website,
We are poets
And I say
We go down writing

I can’t wait

Every day I’m reminded where I was in years past
Whether it was at the beach
Scouring the sand for full dollar shells
Or simply sitting with a friend
Skipping the class we all hate
But those days are passed, now just memories waiting to be forgotten

I wanted to write something
So I’ll write this
I have no idea what it’s about
But does it have to be about anything
Couldn’t a poem be about
A puppy
A clown
A funny story about your life
Or even some mix of them all
Theses are all just random thoughts
That I’m putting in the poem
I have no idea how to get Her to like me
I know it’s over with She
But
I guess I’ll move on to Her
I guess that this is all for
My random chaos poem

Wanted: a new friend
Lives nearby,
Will be open with me
Will quickly realize that I want them, and will feel the same
Wanted: a new friend
Strike that
Wanted: a new partner
Someone to cuddle
Someone to hold
Someone to kiss
Someone to run my hands through their hair
Someone to do all the little things I miss

All I want to do is sit and write
Ignore all the other **** in the world
I have a story waiting to be told
But no time to tell it

Yeah I get your texts
No I don’t respond
Yeah I want to tell you to go fück yourself
No I don’t forget you
But you know why?
Because I don’t want to forget you
I want to remember when you held me in your arms
I want to remember when you kissed me
I want to remember just sitting in your car with you when I should’ve been in class
I want to remember the look on your face when you laughed at my dumb jokes
Yeah I know you’re never going to be mine
No I don’t give a fück
Yeah you’re right I have fücking problems
But you know what, so do you
You say it’s creepy that I still write about you?
It’s creepy that you bother keeping tabs on me
It’s creepy that every time I do something related to you, you send me 10 texts saying I’m creepy and disturbing and that I have fücking problems
You told me to let you go, well this is how I’m dealing with my shït
By doing what I fücking do
By writing out how I feel because I have nobody to talk about it with
Because this is how I fücking deal
So yeah, 8 more fücking days
Then I never want to fücking hear from you again
8 more fücking days
Then I never have to worry about running into you and her
8 more fücking days
Then you’re gone

At midnight my mind switches
From me
To honesty
I drop the facade and reveal myself
I give out the truth
No sugarcoat
Just the bitter truth
And the truth is: I don’t care

I saw an old friend on Monday
Ran into her at the bookstore
She was my first crush
We had so many memories
We read The Fault in Our Stars together
We would often say
Okay?
Okay
Not out of love
Out of a willing that what we had
Would never end
That changed when I told her
What I really felt
We have so many good memories
Of us texting till 3 in the morning
Describing our dream life
Eating lunch together  
But all of them were blocked by
Her response
We were walking home together
We lived a block away from eachother
Hey
Yeah
I have to tell you something
She turned her head to the right
Her expression as if she knew
Her black hair dragging
Across her shoulder
Her white shirt blocked by hair
Her tan shoulder with
her blue backpack strap
Her left foot leads as I say it
I have a crush on you
My sentence trailing
A pause of complete awkwardness
Oh... I
I don’t
I’m so sorry
I like
Someone else
Then she moves away
That was three years ago
But
All this floods back
In the second I hear her voice behind me
Excuse me... Atticus?

So bitter
So wonderful
Every morning you wake me
Every morning you call out
You horrible
Wonderful habit

Why am I the one my friends come to?
I have no experience with their problems
All I can say is that I’m there for them
Not always what they want to hear
Sometimes I can give them *******
Things viewed only in movies and tv
Yet they come back for more
Again and again
I get a text saying “can I ask you a question?”
I always respond the same
“Shoot”
As in “shoot for it”
Or maybe it means I was hoping you wouldn’t
Who knows

1
It’s only been two hours

How is it
That my day is ending
With less people around
Than there were at the beginning?

I know I’m not writing the great American novel
I’m not a poet who’s words will be sung out for centuries
I know that just a handful out there even hear the words I say
But it’s enough for me to know that I’ve told my story to anyone who decided to listen

Every though
Every outfit
Every moment
Judged by everyone
Causing nothing but anxiety
Pain
Depression
All the hate gets thrown at us
For us to hear
For us to add to the pile of hate
But that pile grows
Crushing us
Until we can’t hold it anymore
And we snap

“We’re two sides of the same coin”
Says the “villain” as the “hero” saves the day
But who’s the real villain of my story?
What if I were both sides of my coin?
Hate
Depression
Bitterness
Scoring the back
Empathy
Pep
Loyalty
Stamped on the front
For I am Gemini Man —the hero and the villain
Fighting myself and the world

This was unexpected
A sudden break between acts
The stage goes dark
The curtain falls
And nobody knows when it will rise again

I feel like there’s
A new her
I feel that feeling but
I’m so dead that
She would have to say
“Hey, you”
I would say
“Hey her”
She would have to tell me
She loves me
I would have to
Believe
Heal
Move on
I can do that
Right?

Never read through old texts
Memories that linger in those digital words hurt more than they did the first time around
**** from old friends
Discussions about your now alma mater
An awkward conversation that left you on read
All that waits in those buried messages is pain

If you find me
Just know something
I have lost everything I love in life
I have lost family
I have lost friends
I have lost special moments that make life worth living

I don't write this to make you pity me
I write it so that you understand that I am broken
I write it so that you understand that I may seem cheerful
But underneath lies the wreckage that has been wrought

Even as I sit here I wonder
What if I had gone to prom tonight
What if I had taken that puff on Wednesday
What if the man I love realized that I am fine with three months
Because any time I can spend in his arms
Will make me feel safe
Will make me feel happy
Will make me whole again

The tears stream down my face though
The music plays in the background
The words flow out of me
All congealing into a poem of regrets
Into a poem of disappointment
Into a poem of longing
Into a poem of sadness

It says this is by another author
That much is true
The author isn't me
The author is my soul
pouring out my life
Reaching out for something
For someone
Reaching out to feel an embrace

Please...
If you find me
Make me whole again

You said “would you date me and why?”
Using the anonymous app, I said I would
You are beautiful, kind, and smart
We’ve helped each other
We’ve talked through our separate problems
we’ve become friends
I speak no lies
I said I wouldn’t as well
That I was not in a place to date
Emotionally, and physically
I still need time
And that is true as well
For I speak no lies

The night is dark
Lit only by the stars and a single streetlight
A short stout man stumbles down the deserted road
He stops under the light and puts a cigarette to his lips
He takes a long drag, enjoying the silence
“Got a light?”
The man turns to a figure beyond the light’s reach
He steps forward, arm outstretched
The flickering flame reveals a woman
Beautiful, long dark hair shuffling in a light breeze
“You found me,” she says plainly, “so what do you want?”
The man stops to think
“I want... someone” he finally says
Smoke billows from her nose “Someone? You came all this way, for ‘someone?’
You know the cost?”
He nods
The woman sighs, exhaling smoke
When the cloud clears she’s gone
The man goes home
Someone is waiting

I snapped you today
I didn’t think that would happen
I said congratulations
I miss you
I hope to see you rule the world one day
You said you hoped to have someone like me by your side
You apologized for dumping me
For not answering my questions
For treating me horribly after
I know you don’t owe me anything
But do me one thing
Please, never change from the man I fell for

A test for love
Who’s calls
Who’s visits
Do you want the most
Who do you want in your life
To ward off feelings of loneliness
When you go on vacation
Who do you want with you
Who would you most like to comfort you
In moments of pain
When you’re life is well
Who do you want to share the news with
Do you see their face?

At one point
You are set down
And never picked back up
At one point
You never talk
To your childhood friends again
You are never the best
At every task you acomplish
You will have a pet
For part of your life
But all of theirs
Now is the oldest you’ve been
Yet the youngest you’ll be again
You’ve never directly seen
Your own face

What a ******* year

What’s the point of life?
In our broken world it’s to find happiness
Happiness... a rare feeling
But how do you find it
The system we live in
One forced upon us in the name of Order
Makes it near impossible to find
So I ask again, what’s the point of life?
If it’s no longer happiness,
Is it just to survive?
But what is the point of survival if we have nothing to look forward to?
Sure we have moments where we can bear the pain
We look forward to those moments every ******* day
But if there’s no happiness to gain
Why should we keep trying to live?
To give money to a richer *******?
To pay for the right to have our friends and family killed by people who are supposed to protect us?
To make the system that oppresses us last longer?
What’s the point if all I’m doing is marching on
Happiness dangling on a string, just out of reach
Like a donkey chasing a carrot to pull a cart
What’s the point?
Why am I here?
Can anyone tell me?

Until I don’t have to avoid parts of the city

I’ll say it
I miss him
I miss the way he held me
Close to his chest
I could hear his heart beat
Ba-dum Ba-dum Ba-dum
I thought they were drums of love
I felt safe when he held me
And stroked my arm
I felt like time stood still
I miss his lips
So soft
So firm
I miss his tongue
As it wrestled it’s way into my mouth
I miss his smile
His mischievous look
As we gazed into eachother’s eyes
At the end of every kiss
I would give everything
To be with him for one more day

After three months of no contact
Except that one high text
Suddenly he DM’s me
Then blocks me before I can see the message
What did he say
Why text me
What does it mean?

They sit in my eyes
Blurring my vision
But they never fall
They never turn into sparkles in the wind
They just sit there
While I wish I could cry

Smoke is thick in the air
You can’t see to the end of the block
But I still go to work

I stand in the yellowed, dulled sunlight
Trying to to breathe too deeply
Lest the ash fill my lungs
But I still go to work

I miss my connection and walk
Through the empty streets
Passed the old neighborhood
My eyes and throat burning
But I still go to work

Six hours I stand by a window in a hot room
Wishing I could smell anything but fire
Checking over and over
Anxiously reloading the alerts
“Am I evacuated now?”
But I still finish my shift

I’m only a few dozen miles from flames
In a state that’s being razed
City by city
Town by town
We’re disappearing
Returning to ashen shells where homes once stood
But still I finished my shift

The restaurant dead
Air painful to breath
Homes shuttered
Bags packed
Fingers crossed
Prayers muttering from atheist lips
“May our loved ones houses stand through disasters, amen”
And I head home

Everyday I hope I don’t have to leave
Everyday I doubt that everything will be fine
Every single ******* day I pray to the gods that you believe in, even if I’m not sure they’re there

What does the afterlife hold?
Is it splendors for all
Individualized little worlds for us to live?
Do we get to go back and relive our best days?
Are we reunited with old friends
Waiting to swap life stories like no time had passed?
What does the afterlife hold?
Are we reborn?
Walking the world eternally
Each reincarnation slightly different from the last
Taking the form of our truest love from the last life we lived
Our memories mostly forgotten, but a few hanging on to guide our new body
What does the afterlife hold?
What if there isn’t one?
This is it, and all there ever will be
Short spans of consciousness with nothing before and nothing after
Our bodies and souls dying together
What does the afterlife hold?
A question asked for centuries, but you can only die to know

A flood of thoughts fill my head
Giving me moments of clarity before vanishing again
I want to write but can only think of math,
Want to code but can only find words,
Try to game and all I think of are chores I need to do
Believe me when I say I’m doing my best
Even if you’ve seen me do better
Cause my body is there
But my mind wanders
Seldom do they meet

“Send me love
I need it”
I don’t ask for much
Just for you to be there when I need you
And you all left me
To fall into the abyss—
A place I’ve dragged each of you from
Without being asked—
I thought I could expect the same from you
I guess I was dumb enough to believe

If we look at what’s the same
Between you and me
You’ll see that we aren’t that different
Sure we may be from different places
Love different people
Act different
Look different
Talk different
Think different
Be different
But
Look at what’s the same
We are human
We are made of cells
Of molocules
Of atoms
Of electrons protrons nuclei
We live in the universe
We live the solar system
We live on Earth
We orbit Sol together
We are the same
We are equal
So why
Do we get treated unfairly?

The years pass quick
I forget who I was until I remember I wrote it down
I was a man
I am no longer
I was single
I am no longer
I was unhappy
I am no longer
I wasn’t me
I am no longer

I look through photos and barely recognize the face
Because I am no longer the one I once was