I may not have money
I may not have power
I may not have the strongest willpower
But
I have heart
I have brains
I have my poetry
All I have
I offer
To you
To “She”
I hope it’s enough
To keep you happy
All I need is you

We know who we are
We have a filter around family
Cutting out the curses and the ***** jokes
We have facades for our different groups
We put it on like a costume
Covering our feelings
Covering our emotions
Changing who we are
We only realize we had it on when we take it off
By then it’s too late
It’s become us

We say what comes to mind
No filter for our thoughts
But we don’t need one
We haven’t yet discovered who we are
We discover our feet
Our hands
Our mouth
Our tongue
We discover how to walk
To talk
To ride a bike
We have no sense of urgency
The hardest pain may be when we fall
May be when someone leaves
May be when someone dies
But we always got back up
We always filled the gap the person left
We always recovered

All the songs of my relationship with you all come on while I’m writing something to you. All it does is fuel my writing

You said “would you date me and why?”
Using the anonymous app, I said I would
You are beautiful, kind, and smart
We’ve helped each other
We’ve talked through our separate problems
we’ve become friends
I speak no lies
I said I wouldn’t as well
That I was not in a place to date
Emotionally, and physically
I still need time
And that is true as well
For I speak no lies

If you find me
Just know something
I have lost everything I love in life
I have lost family
I have lost friends
I have lost special moments that make life worth living

I don't write this to make you pity me
I write it so that you understand that I am broken
I write it so that you understand that I may seem cheerful
But underneath lies the wreckage that has been wrought

Even as I sit here I wonder
What if I had gone to prom tonight
What if I had taken that puff on Wednesday
What if the man I love realized that I am fine with three months
Because any time I can spend in his arms
Will make me feel safe
Will make me feel happy
Will make me whole again

The tears stream down my face though
The music plays in the background
The words flow out of me
All congealing into a poem of regrets
Into a poem of disappointment
Into a poem of longing
Into a poem of sadness

It says this is by another author
That much is true
The author isn't me
The author is my soul
pouring out my life
Reaching out for something
For someone
Reaching out to feel an embrace

Please...
If you find me
Make me whole again

Everyone says it gets better
But does it?

Take me out
Three words
Two meanings

Take me out
**** me
Stab me in the heart
Throw me off a cliff
Stop my pain

Take me out
Date me
Fill my heart
Look at the city on the cliff tops
Stop my pain

Take me out
Either way
I win

Every though
Every outfit
Every moment
Judged by everyone
Causing nothing but anxiety
Pain
Depression
All the hate gets thrown at us
For us to hear
For us to add to the pile of hate
But that pile grows
Crushing us
Until we can’t hold it anymore
And we snap

All I want in life
Is for my friends to be successful
I want them to be able to come to me in 20 years
I want them happy, healthy, doing things on their own terms
And that one friend who doesn’t
I want them to be able to say to me one day
“I need help”
Because I don’t care about myself anymore
I only care that the people I love are doing perfect

I saw an old friend on Monday
Ran into her at the bookstore
She was my first crush
We had so many memories
We read The Fault in Our Stars together
We would often say
Okay?
Okay
Not out of love
Out of a willing that what we had
Would never end
That changed when I told her
What I really felt
We have so many good memories
Of us texting till 3 in the morning
Describing our dream life
Eating lunch together  
But all of them were blocked by
Her response
We were walking home together
We lived a block away from eachother
Hey
Yeah
I have to tell you something
She turned her head to the right
Her expression as if she knew
Her black hair dragging
Across her shoulder
Her white shirt blocked by hair
Her tan shoulder with
her blue backpack strap
Her left foot leads as I say it
I have a crush on you
My sentence trailing
A pause of complete awkwardness
Oh... I
I don’t
I’m so sorry
I like
Someone else
Then she moves away
That was three years ago
But
All this floods back
In the second I hear her voice behind me
Excuse me... Atticus?

Until I don’t have to go around in fear

I feel like there’s
A new her
I feel that feeling but
I’m so dead that
She would have to say
“Hey, you”
I would say
“Hey her”
She would have to tell me
She loves me
I would have to
Believe
Heal
Move on
I can do that
Right?

Every day I’m reminded where I was in years past
Whether it was at the beach
Scouring the sand for full dollar shells
Or simply sitting with a friend
Skipping the class we all hate
But those days are passed, now just memories waiting to be forgotten

I snapped you today
I didn’t think that would happen
I said congratulations
I miss you
I hope to see you rule the world one day
You said you hoped to have someone like me by your side
You apologized for dumping me
For not answering my questions
For treating me horribly after
I know you don’t owe me anything
But do me one thing
Please, never change from the man I fell for

The alarm has been sounded
“Abandon ship, before we sink into a sea
Full of broken code
Connection errors
And unusable links”
Yet I say, let us stay
Let us go down with the ship
This ship is one built of words
Many have bonded quickly to each other
A community that will flourish despite a lack of home
We may not have much time left together,
But the time spent will be cherished
We are more than a website,
We are poets
And I say
We go down writing

It’s all I feel anymore
I no longer feel happy
I no longer enjoy the moments I did a few weeks ago
It all lands in an empty void
Souring memories
Taking ahold of me
I try to escape it
But I claw at the walls of the abyss
My fingers grow ******
My legs grow weak
Until I lie there
Crying for release from the hole I dug
People tried to save me before
Tried to get me to put down the shovel
Tried to get me to climb out while I still could
But here I am
Alone
In the dark
Wishing for anyone to help me
But everyone already left

We met under the pretense it would be you and me
I walk up, and there’s someone with you
“Atticus, this is Jamie”
I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you meant two
You and your girlfriend
I know you wanted me to meet her
But still you could have told me
That way I would know and it wouldn’t be as rude to go away
When she reached down
Giving you a ******* ******* under the table
But there I am
Awkwardly sitting
Watching everything but the two of you
As you try to connect us
Join another into our inside jokes
I wanted to get up and ask
“Is there a table for third wheels?”

I’ll say it
I miss him
I miss the way he held me
Close to his chest
I could hear his heart beat
Ba-dum Ba-dum Ba-dum
I thought they were drums of love
I felt safe when he held me
And stroked my arm
I felt like time stood still
I miss his lips
So soft
So firm
I miss his tongue
As it wrestled it’s way into my mouth
I miss his smile
His mischievous look
As we gazed into eachother’s eyes
At the end of every kiss
I would give everything
To be with him for one more day

I can’t wait

I am not the worlds best poet
Yet
Everyone calls me
A great writer
They say I’m emotional
But
Maybe it’s just them

In the silence of the night I sit and meditate
Let my mind wander through distant thoughts
Explore the chaos of my own mind

Between the whirring of the fan’s blades
I could only think one though
To a poem dark and twisted

“You’re flying now
You see things much more clear than the ground
It’s all okay
Or it would be
Were you not now halfway down”

My mind shuts off
“Erase this from my thoughts” I whisper
But there it stayed, louder, quicker
Until it’s all I could hear

Thank you
For all those who know
Who stepped foreword
Who are trying to comfort me
Thank you

It’s so fresh in my mind though
I haven’t had time to think
To comprehend
To wallow in my self pity

Sixth period
I sat there
In front of a pig
It’s stomach open
And on view for the world to see
My phone buzzes
It’s him
I pull off those blue surgical gloves
Whip out my phone
Wait for the dot dot dot
to turn into actual words
They turn all right
They speak that you don’t feel right
That you may have rushed into this
That maybe you mixed friendship
And attraction
You take responsibility for it
But that doesn’t dull the pain
I suddenly feel as though the pig
Is better than I am
With its guts exposed and all
I want to cry
But I try to keep it together
I grab the knife
Start cutting into the guts
Tears welling in my eyes as I try to keep strong
I wanted to cry
I just leave after that
It doesn’t matter that I had class
It doesn’t matter that I had friends waiting
I just leave
I go home to wallow
To think
To cry the bitter tears that push up against my eyes
I hoped that this was all a dream

You all warned me
And I ignored you
I told myself that we wouldn’t break up
I told myself that we had a relationship
Stronger than his last one
Which crumbled like mine did today
You told me he’d use me
And toss me aside like a human ******
I feel stupid for not heeding the words you spoke
I was naïve to think that we could last
The three months he had left here

You all are here for me
And I love you all
When I’m ready to shed these bitter salty tears
I know you’ll be here to dry my cheeks
And hold me in your collective arms
The way he did last week

I thought he could put me back together
But he only stole the pieces
I hope I can get them back

After three months of no contact
Except that one high text
Suddenly he DM’s me
Then blocks me before I can see the message
What did he say
Why text me
What does it mean?

You were wondering yesterday
What am I talking about?
Karol told me
Rewind to Thursday

I sent her a text
Asking to set me up
She didn’t know who
Instead she said
“Four guys I’m with
They all want to smash you.”
“Who”
She wouldn’t tell me

I was stupid
I trusted the one you should never trust
Damon
We talked
Asked about the other
Who they would ****
My top 5 flew out of my fingers

Friday
I wear her down
I get the list
You’re on it
Also on mine

Once again
I was stupid
“Damon”
“”Accidentally“ mention to Jake
He’s on my list

As far as I know, he did

The Weekend
I was expecting a call
A snap
A text
Asking about the lists
Nothing

Monday
We hung out
Nothing

Tuesday
I sent you the question
“Are we just going to ignore it
Or are we going to use the weirdest solution
To the weirdest problem?
You didn’t know what I was talking about
My chest seized
I couldn’t bring myself to explain

So, I’ll  explain now
I have a crush on you
I don’t know if you were high
Or if Karol’s list was true
But if you do
I want you
You know how to contact me
Think
Let me know
Three months isn’t a lot
But it’s enough for me

Laying in a dark room with the faint glow of my phone in my hand
Scroll, taptap
Scroll, taptap
Reading memes on Instagram
Switching between the same three apps
Time crawling forward until it’s 4 am
Two hours left before my alarm
Scroll, taptap
Scroll taptap
Such is the curse of the midnight scroller

“Send me love
I need it”
I don’t ask for much
Just for you to be there when I need you
And you all left me
To fall into the abyss—
A place I’ve dragged each of you from
Without being asked—
I thought I could expect the same from you
I guess I was dumb enough to believe

It’s so easy to talk to a screen
To write little poems and complain about ****
Because we don’t know who’s listening
And nobody knows who’s talking

Well done
Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person."
That's what it says
We weren't even testing for that

Why am I the one my friends come to?
I have no experience with their problems
All I can say is that I’m there for them
Not always what they want to hear
Sometimes I can give them *******
Things viewed only in movies and tv
Yet they come back for more
Again and again
I get a text saying “can I ask you a question?”
I always respond the same
“Shoot”
As in “shoot for it”
Or maybe it means I was hoping you wouldn’t
Who knows

At one point
You are set down
And never picked back up
At one point
You never talk
To your childhood friends again
You are never the best
At every task you acomplish
You will have a pet
For part of your life
But all of theirs
Now is the oldest you’ve been
Yet the youngest you’ll be again
You’ve never directly seen
Your own face

On behalf of all men
We’re sorry
We’re sorry that we lie
When telling the truth would be better
We’re sorry that we demand
When simply asking would be easier
We’re sorry that we are *******
When simply talking about our problems is healthier
On behalf of all men
We’re sorry that we are complete idiots
But that’s because
We need you to help us be smarter

I can’t be your friend
Not anymore
It pains me to greatly to see you wasting your life
You sit on your couch
In an empty room
Save the ashes of your last bowl
You smoke your life away
Begging me for handouts as you lazily play your game
“**** my job”
“I don’t want to work, so I’m quitting”
Well what are you going to do now?
Because I can’t support us both from now until our deaths
I can’t sacrifice myself for someone who won’t wake up to have a meal with me
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore

You can memorize the face of a stranger
After seeing them for six seconds
Six months later they’re in your dream
Making you wonder what if you had talked to them
Your brain creates scenes of lifelong friendship
Another where they’re your nemesis
One where you go out a few times,
But they never call back
Then in a flash
Their face is gone
As if you’d never seen them
And life goes on

Why does she not see me
The way I see her?
What is wrong with me
Do I not make her
Laugh
Smile
comforted
Am I
Ugly
Rude
Insensitive
What is wrong with me
That I find
An amazing
Beautiful
Smart friend
And I ruin it
By trying to be more
By trying to find happiness
By trying to explore ourselves
By trying to be an us
Rather than a
Me
And a you
I don’t care if people know
I need to express my pain
I need to express my love
I need to express me
I love you
And nothing can change that
Now do you see
How much I care?

I found them today
Written in a notebook surrounded by math
Two letters
Four pages
5 post scripts
9 reasons, each starting with “*******”
I never sent them as I promised
But today I read them
And I cried
I cried for my stupidity
For the time lost
And for the pain I morphed into rage before
Out of that rage I got nothing but more pain
Out of that pain I got these letters
Seeping with insults
Seeping with “how could you”s
Seeping with anger
Asking him if “your sadistic goals were filled”
And asking her “how could you play with my emotions?”
Something that never happened,
But was whispered in my ear
Two letters
I promised to send them
I told you both to “check your mailbox
In about a week
There should be a letter”
But I never sent it
And I’m glad I didn’t

Do you still talk to your old friends?
No
Because I don’t know what to say
We went from seeing each other daily
To once a week, a month, to never
Now they’ve left
So no, I don’t
Because we walked away from one another
And looking back causes me pain

Don’t get me wrong
I love writing poetry
Especially on here
Where poems flow
Where inspiration strikes me
From the work of others
But I need a break
I need to sit
I need to focus
I need to meditate
Give me a few days
Maybe weeks
Maybe all summer
Just to think
I want you all to know though
I love you all
Especially one of you
Reading this right now
I just need a break
So goodbye for now
Check back later
Sayonara
Adiós
пока пока
Bene noche
Goodbye

You know me
Here I am wanting love
And here I am telling them no
And I don’t know why
Except that I do
The people I reject are friends
People that I have brought close to me
People that I can’t stand to lose
I know that if we date, there will be an end
And then you disappear
And we leave each other wishing nothing had happened between us

1
It’s only been two hours

They sit in my eyes
Blurring my vision
But they never fall
They never turn into sparkles in the wind
They just sit there
While I wish I could cry

If I could be crying right now
I would
For no ******* reason at all

Nine months
That’s when society says
“Hope you know what you want to do with your life.”
And throws you out into the world
I have no plan
I don’t know ****
And I’m afraid

Like Atlas, the sky rests on my shoulders
I’m told that I don’t have to bear the weight
But who else is there to talk to her
We have other friends, yes
But none of them have helped take the weight
Instead adding on to it their own problems
I need to rest
But who will take my place?

“We’re two sides of the same coin”
Says the “villain” as the “hero” saves the day
But who’s the real villain of my story?
What if I were both sides of my coin?
Hate
Depression
Bitterness
Scoring the back
Empathy
Pep
Loyalty
Stamped on the front
For I am Gemini Man —the hero and the villain
Fighting myself and the world

Until I don’t have to avoid parts of the city

Check your mail in a week
You should find a letter
One that tells you everything
Both of you should sit down
And read them
Dissect every word
Read the hate
Read the pain
That will be my last contact to both of you
So savor it
Realize what you left behind
When you started dating