“Supposed to be a happy new year!”
But then why does it feel even more depressing than the last one
Happy New Years

Only a few of you remember this
Me being Chicken Little
but those of you who need a reminder, here’s the tale

Scrolling through Netflix
we crammed onto that tiny couch
Into those tiny chairs
We put on a movie we thought was just memories

We did what we all do when we watch movies with friends
We decided who was who
Talib was that fish
Dre was Chicken Little’s dad
Kiera was the goose
That left me, Chicken Little

From then on
I was Chicken Little

Here I sit
One day from the new year
Remembering all the fun we had
The tears shed
The laughter shared
The hugs given and received
The pain healed
And I wish I could do it all again

I don’t have many regrets
But my biggest one
Is saying no to you

Why can’t I keep it together
Long enough
To get together

I was told once
“Wash your face after you cry
If nothing else
It hides the tears”

You can’t fight fire with fire
It’ll only burn quicker
Just like you can’t fight depression with sad shows
Sad songs
Pictures
Poems
Or people that remind you why your sad
Because in the end
All your left with
Are bitter memories
And tears cried for those who don’t deserve them

It’s proven that you need 8 hugs a day
That’s all
But some people get a lot less
Leaving them starving for contact
Wishing they had a hand to hold
A person to hug
A set of arms to hold them
Just 8 a day to stay happy
That explains everything

What a ******* year

How is it
That my day is ending
With less people around
Than there were at the beginning?

So many mistakes
From things I did
To people I spent time with
So many mistakes
I wish that I could take back
Yet for every one of those moments,
There are some I’m glad to have had

I wake up
Take the dog
Go to school and see my fabulous friends
We talk and work then after I go see my boyfriend
We all spend time together,
Promising we won’t let one another feel alone
I feel bliss as I feel his arms wrap around me
Nuzzling his face in my neck
I go to kiss him,
And I wake up
It was all a dream
And I realize how alone I am

For 9 years
It’s sat on my desk,
Through a move,
Through winters with windows open
For 9 years,
sitting, watching

Tonight I take it down
Remember the girl who made it
Way back in 3rd grade
I unfold it
For the first time
Scribbled in the wings
She had scrawled a note

I have a crush on you

Nine years,
This declaration has sat on my desk
Watching me
Letting me look back to better times
All the while
Telling me she liked me
On the wings of a sticky note crane

Here I am
For the second time this week
Wishing I could get a good nights sleep

That state
Wher
         e
            y
              ou
                    jus
                         t
                           Stop

I’m me
A 17 year old, bisexual man
Just because I have long hair
Just because I paint my nails
That’s no excuse to tell me
“I think you’re going into the wrong bathroom”
Or ask me
“Are you shopping for your boyfriend?”
When I walk into a store
I’m me
And I don’t care what you believe
Just don’t yell at me about something as trivial as which bathroom I use
Because I’m a man
I’ve known that for 17 years
Just because I’m bi
I’m no less a man

What the ****

Because if I do
I’ll fall apart
And I want to be strong
For whenever you need a shoulder

Yet another problem solved
Yet another ******* solution given
Yet another friend helped
Any other problems?
I may be 17,
But what the hell, I’ll take a shot

After three months of no contact
Except that one high text
Suddenly he DM’s me
Then blocks me before I can see the message
What did he say
Why text me
What does it mean?

“Send me love
I need it”
I don’t ask for much
Just for you to be there when I need you
And you all left me
To fall into the abyss—
A place I’ve dragged each of you from
Without being asked—
I thought I could expect the same from you
I guess I was dumb enough to believe

If I could be crying right now
I would
For no ******* reason at all

All the fake smiles
Can’t hide how I feel
All the fake smiles
Can’t make me feel better
All the fake smiles
Make me miss when I smiled for real

Everyday is the same
Sleep, skip meals, snap, sleep, repeat
Everyday I’m in the same loop
And I need
To break free

I don’t think I knew
How much I would miss you
Until you left

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekil­lmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmeki­llmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmek­illmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme­killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillm­ekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekill­mekillmekillmekillmekillme

I need to stop watching people’s stories
It’s all the same
Party here, party there
Nothing I was invited to
Even if I know everyone there
Here I am at home on my Saturday night
Same as last week
Same as next week

We sat and cried tears
Both happy and sad
In the mourning of the one we held dear

All I want
Is to be held in someone’s arms

I got asked today
“How do you create?”
I write at night when nothing but the truth flows through me
I write in the dark where nothing can see me
I write alone so nobody can read over my shoulder
Critiquing my every word
I write in silence so I can hear every word
Or maybe a playlist subtly infusing itself in my words
But most of all I write the truth, because **** those who have a problem with me

You’ve seen me through so many things
And now you can ask me anything
Flip through the poems
The questions you’ve had will finally be answered
Ask me
And I’ll tell you the truth

We’ve all had that one dream
The one that mixes together all your thoughts
All your regrets
All your impulses
And makes a movie from it
Your own private “what if”

Just imagine, if you will,
Me
Just me
On walks a disaster
On walks problems
On walks impulses mixed with memories and regret
Putting on an awkward show
Mixing friends with ***
Mixing bullies and bigots with weapons aimed for your insecurities
All tied together in a neat little show

I remember this vividly
More so than any dream I’ve ever had
I smelt the clean park air,
I heard the squawks of birds overhead
Felt their heat on my skin
Saw the light filtering through the trees
Saw them
Felt them
Heard them

People have these dreams with hopes they come true
With hopes they can live out the scenes of content
People say they will
That dreams are glimpses of the future
I don’t believe it though
At least, not this one dream

The silence creeps in
Until even the voices of shows are quieted
Until you are completely alone

And so our show continues
With essays to be written
Forms to fill out
Applications to be submitted
Letters to be written
All while you try to balance other things—
Homework,
A social life,
Sleep
From now on
We get no time for those

Cold breeze chills me to the bone
pitter patter
Pitter patter
The skys grey above
People shuffling about
pitter patter
Pitter patter
A sea of umbrellas
Yet I stand out
pitter patter
Pitter patter
Looking up
And the rain hides my tears
pitter patter
Pitter patter
As they stream down my cheeks

Every though
Every outfit
Every moment
Judged by everyone
Causing nothing but anxiety
Pain
Depression
All the hate gets thrown at us
For us to hear
For us to add to the pile of hate
But that pile grows
Crushing us
Until we can’t hold it anymore
And we snap

“Why are you alive”
“You don’t deserve this”
“They would be better off without you”
“Leave and don’t come back”
“Push everyone away”

At least a quarter million words in english
And not one describes me

You know me
Here I am wanting love
And here I am telling them no
And I don’t know why
Except that I do
The people I reject are friends
People that I have brought close to me
People that I can’t stand to lose
I know that if we date, there will be an end
And then you disappear
And we leave each other wishing nothing had happened between us

Writing would help the pain go away
Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told
But really,
All it did was reopen wounds long healed
Given me a place to turn bitter
Giving me a place to ***** about this and that
“Why didn’t he like me?”
“Why did she say no?”
People are facing real problems
And here I am
******* about why I’m not happy
Even though there are much bigger problems around

We were apart for too long, you and I
I have no idea what caused that separation
But it’s fixed now
And I can finally write again
I held do many words behind my teeth
Rather than saying them to you
By losing all of you
I lost a piece of myself
Every morning when I awake
I do four things
1: check Snapchat
2: check my email
3: check to see what you said
4: double check to make sure I heard you
I lost myself without you all
You tether me
Without you — all of you— I would float away
Away from sanity
Away from reason

The last thing I wrote was so many words
Because each line marks me
Speaks of what I felt over the last months
But I’m moving on
Not forgetting,
Rising, learning, moving
Doing stupid things
I just did something really stupid
And immediately I wish I could take it back
****
And so there I go,
A tether snapped
So I start floating
Until someone can pull me back down

Sick enough that I can’t talk
I want to sleep
I can’t stay home
I have to go to school
Even with my throat on fire
My head pounding a steady beat
My nose on the edge of sneezing
How much is enough to stay home?

”So this is odd,
A painful realization,
That all has gone wrong”
It starts when I put on my headphones
Every time
Sane songs
Each word carrying a message
Straight into me
“I’m missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we have to speak”
Every word striking a realization
That I had to avoid the people I loved the most
Her, and her, and her
But not him
“I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us”
I’ve apologized
She’s accepted
But we no longer have the energy we did
Devoted to each other
Empty looks are shared
“Cause you’re gone, I get nothing
And you’re off with barely a sigh
I never said “Goodbye””
And you left
I don’t blame you one bit
I wouldn’t want to have been around me either
Yelling out the falsehoods I was told
I was wrong
“Waiting here with hopes
The phone will ring
And I’m thinking awful things”
Mostly what caused me to hurt
Those reasons of *******
The man who ran
“The martyr is meaningless “
I think we all know why
I think we all know who
But still I say
“”I hope that you’re happy,
You really deserve it,
This will be best for us both in the end””
Because I don’t know what else to say
“Please send me anything
But signals that are mixed”
I miss you
But don’t know if you miss me
“These are the places I’ve come to fear the most”
The ones where we would see each other
Have to talk
Be civil
Because I don’t know you anymore
I used to tell you
“Take this bitter pill,
This medicine
Hope you swallow, choke, and die”
The music ends,
Instinctively
I reach up
Tap play
And move on

I found them today
Written in a notebook surrounded by math
Two letters
Four pages
5 post scripts
9 reasons, each starting with “*******”
I never sent them as I promised
But today I read them
And I cried
I cried for my stupidity
For the time lost
And for the pain I morphed into rage before
Out of that rage I got nothing but more pain
Out of that pain I got these letters
Seeping with insults
Seeping with “how could you”s
Seeping with anger
Asking him if “your sadistic goals were filled”
And asking her “how could you play with my emotions?”
Something that never happened,
But was whispered in my ear
Two letters
I promised to send them
I told you both to “check your mailbox
In about a week
There should be a letter”
But I never sent it
And I’m glad I didn’t

Thank you to all who have helped me grow
Thank you to all who have given me struggle
Thank you to all who have believed in me
When I didn’t believe in myself
Thank you for giving me strength
Thank you for showing me my mistakes
Thank you for yelling at me
Thank you everyone I ever knew
For teaching me about a piece of myself
I may not have even known was there
And to most of those I’ve fought with,
I’m sorry
To most of those who wronged me,
It’s okay

Thank you to all of you
I’m sorry to most of you
And I am trying to move on
To become someone new
Because I don’t like where I have ended up
Let’s find out where my road leads

As if nothing happened
You walk in
Asking to play Monopoly
You’re civil
No longer giving me a look
As if you’re saying with your eyes
“I’ll **** you”
As if nothing happened
You ask me how my summer was
You make idle conversation
You make jokes you made before
Even some at his expense
As if nothing happened
We played our game
No emotion across your face
As you sit next to me
Laughing as we roll a six and a nine
A four and two tens
As if nothing happened
We sit
We laugh
We play