Here we are
Another Friday full of parties
And I’m all alone
Sitting on my couch with my phone and my thoughts
And all I can think of is a single question:
Who the **** did I *******?

I see story after story
Post after post
Of people eating drinking and being merry,
People I know
People I thought would invite me to ****
Yet here I am alone
And my thoughts grow darker the more my screen lights up
And all I can wonder is
Why am I alone?

I am utterly and completely alone
No amount of jokes or conversation will change that
I guess some cosmic being said “**** him”
And wandered off
Leaving me to fend off giants of depression
With but a few witty remarks
But it’s too strong
And as it beats me people stand by and watch
Because I’m damaged goods now
And I don’t deserve any ******* help
No matter how much I plead
And I ask over and over
Why won’t you do something?
Why are you just standing there?

The beast holds me down
Pushing me deep into the earth
And people watch from the edge of the crater depression made
As I claw and struggle to free myself from its grasp
And I give up
Because no matter how much I try
How much I beg
What jokes I make
I can’t win alone
And nobody’s there to help

We threw our stuff in the back of the car
Backpacks
Jackets
Skateboards
Firewood
I reach for my phone and it’s not there
I left it at the beach site we used
We shut the trunk and climb in
“Where are the keys?”
“Aw, ****”
We dig through pockets and consoles
Nothing
“They’re in the ******* trunk!”
An hour after of trying to pry open the trunk
Of his old mercedes
“What if we open up the panel in the back?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I just noticed it, but it goes to the trunk!”
So I pull out my small knife
Pry open the panel
And we drive to my buried phone

Something I’ve caught myself asking
Especially when I tell someone
“I don’t care anymore”
But where is he now?
Is he still planning on being a prison guard?
Is he still with that girl he met when he got there?
Does he were wish he had stayed here?
Over 2000 miles apart
And months since we spoke
But it would be nice
Just to hear his voice

I keep thinking
Is there more to life than this
More that I can do
Here I am 4 months away from graduation
And all I can do is wonder
Is there more to life than this?
Sitting in my parent’s house
Writing ******* that will be read by only a few
Worrying about **** like “what do I need to do?”
Is there more than just hoping I survive each day?
Is there more that I would have done
If I were someone else?
In every class I hear
“Did you see what happened at the party”
Or
“You can stay over right?”
Every story I see party after party
Bowl smoked after bowl
And I wonder
What did I do to be home alone
In bed at 10 o’clock
Is there more than this that I can be
Is there more than this that I can experience
Is there more than this to being alive?

A room full of people
Will never make me feel welcome
No matter who they are
What they’re doing
I’m always out of place

I stand at the back of the room
Desperately clinging to the one person I know
But they find someone else
And there I am
Alone in a sea of faces

So I sit down on the empty couch
Sitting and watching chaos unfold around me
People wandering in and out
Sitting down and making polite conversation
But their posture says it all
They don’t want to talk to me
They just wanted to sit
But there I was

So I sit
And wait for someone to leave
For someone to walk out that door
Making it okay to walk out
And be in the silence
Where I can wander freely
Without having to speak to anyone but myself
While cars whoosh past and city lights flicker
Blocking out the beauty of the sky

Sure, apologize for calling me a Fa++ot
Doesn’t do you any good
Not gonna say
“Oh, you apologized
Guess the homophobic remark to the bi guy is forgiven”
Because your apologies are *******

You’ve called others fa+s before,
And I fought against it
But you didn’t change
What hope is there for me to wish for now?
Nothing is forgiven,
******